I can't seem to muster up any enthusiasm for dating.

[Krankor]

I'm a 40 year old man. Never married, no kids. Throughout my twenties and early 30s, that was how I wanted it. In my early to mid thirties I let myself get stuck in a bad relationship with a very controlling and at times verbally abusive woman. After that, I was just so glad to be rid of her and single again that I hardly dated for a couple of years. However, in the past just over a year now, I've been dumped twice after two really strong, promising starts. Just a little background which may or may not be relevant.

 

I thought I took the last one pretty well. Waited a couple of months, then got back on the app I met her on as well as a couple others--may as well cast as wide a net as possible, right? However, I'm finding that I just can't seem to muster any sort of enthusiasm. I'll message a woman or she'll message me, we'll start talking back and forth a bit, and then I'll just kind of lose steam and end up ghosting her. I don't like doing that--I think it's kind of rude, actually, though common--but I don't exactly mean to do it. I don't make the conscious decision that I'm not interested; I'm just not that motivated and don't end up getting back around to anyone. Also, when I message someone or whatever and get blown off I've found myself taking it really personally.

 

I'm finding that I don't seem to have the energy or will to date. When I think about taking the time to get to know a new person I just feel the energy draining from my body. It all came really easy and naturally with my last girlfriend. Now, nobody is really grabbing my interest. There was one who I was talking to before and liked, who hit me up when I came back on. Now, I'm just not feeling it.

 

The thing is, I WANT a girlfriend. I want a relationship. I want someone to talk to most days and to do things with and, frankly, to have that physical connection with. But I don't seem to be willing to put in the work.

 

So, I've taken down all my profiles, figuring I just need a break. But I don't know if that's the best thing. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. Maybe I just need to suck it up and keep trying until something sticks. Any thoughts?

[LaHermes]

Krankor. Juju said this on one of your earlier threads:

 

" Take a break from the dating scene until you are over your ex. Experience being single and not in a relationship all the time. You are just confusing yourself and you will do more harm than good."

 

I have to agree.

 

Sure, you want a relationship and all that goes with it, but IMO it would be best not to try too hard for a while. It is OK to be alone for a while, to socialise, get out and about, do other stuff.

[Cope]

It's like you feel dead inside?

I get that too. I'm 36,single, pretty much still loving it, but I had a crush recently that got me thinking about the future. It didn't work out, but every time I thought about getting to know him, getting into fights, meeting family, going out on coupes dates or whatever, I get nauseous. Not only with him, with anyone. It's like I've lost all hope.

 

This worried me a bit and I am considering counseling, as I do think this has to do with 2 of my abusive ex's. That was my second thought; my first was to stop dating all together and focus on myself again. It still does sound tempting, but I'm not really looking to start a family. You, I assume, are.

 

If you keep trying someone will stick,mathematically, and the right one will be effortlessly. This brings me to another question. My two exs came effortlessly, so maybe we really need to stop minding the effort? I mean maybe the effortlessly are bad for us? Makes sense?

[LaHermes]

Think "mindfulness".

 

The harder you try in your quest the less likely what you are seeking will come to you. "Trying hard" and "effort" come off you like an anxiety miasma. Not good.

 

 

"The challenge of mindfulness is to be present for your experience as it is rather than immediately jumping in to change it or try to force it to be different. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness for Beginners"

[Cope]

Think "mindfulness".

Hi

The harder you try in your quest the less likely what you are seeking will come to you. "Trying hard" and "effort" come off you like an anxiety miasma. Not good.

 

 

"The challenge of mindfulness is to be present for your experience as it is rather than immediately jumping in to change it or try to force it to be different. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness for Beginners"

 

Oh mindfulness! It saved my life! Haven't really applied it to dating tbh. Weird. I thought I had it nailed down.

Great advice! I will start!

[Krankor]

Thanks for the responses. I've decided that it's best to take a break for now and focus on other things.

[Starlight925]

I know exactly how you feel. I was in, what I thought, was the best relationship of my life, and after 2 1/2 years, he ghosted me. I had never even heard that word, but that's what happened. I dusted myself off and started dating immediately, which turned out to be a mistake.

 

I spent the next 4 years being single, with a bunch of online dates, but no connections. I would vacillate between wanting to find someone and just not having the energy, or the desire, for it. So I'd remove my profiles (I, too, cast a wide net lol), and then open them back up.

 

I suspect you're a lot like me: I wanted to just jump into the middle of a relationship. I wanted to just meet someone, and it would be like we'd known each other for years, already knew each other's family, etc., and could just wake up on a Saturday next to them and run errands with them, without putting "on". Once you're in a comfortable relationship, you can just hang out in shorts & a t-shirt, flipping channels together, making popcorn, and it can be the best day ever. I wanted that. But I just didn't have the energy to go through all the stupid steps it takes to get there.

 

I think you're doing the right thing: taking a break until you're ready to go back out there. Guess what it means: you're normal. And you seem like a really great guy, and some lucky girl will find that out one day. But not today....you're exhausted.