baftis Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 So I've posted here before about my situation and things went in a situation I don't like and quite frankly don't know about. So after ending the 2 month NC, I've started talking to my ex again, escalated slowly but surely, dropped pleasant stuff about her past (our issue was that she didn't feel like a priority in my life, or important, so I've tried to demonstrate that by remembering details about her favorite things that were mentioned once). For the first 3 days, it went along nice, but when I asked her if we can hang out or something, she said no. I would've left it at that, but then she told me that us having small talk would be weird and talking about anything else would be weird, and she asked why would I want to meet with her. And I thought for a moment if I should answer this question or not. In the end, I answered the next day with this. "Why would I want to meet you? To finally give you a few hours together where things would be about you. Out of respect, not guilt (I've dealt with that). To prove to you (note, prove) that your importance to me was bigger than you thought. I've tried everything I had at hand to prove this to you: that I've remembered your favorite toy as a kid, that I remembered the names of most favorite things in the world to you, that I was 100% certain you never told me a certain preference of yours. There's more where that came from, but words are cheap, showing you matters more. I can't do that now, and it is what it is. I've showed you as much as possible in the few conversations we've had since our breakup. Being fair, if everything turned out OK and we would have a good time, I would've asked to see you again. Whether or not you accepted to do that, I would've been at least grateful that I could offer you the respect and attention you deserved. You didn't felt the woman in my life, you didn't felt a priority, you didn't felt like you're number 1. And you were right. I was too busy tending to MY needs in the relationship. It was very hard to admit this to myself, Mi-a fost foarte greu sa-mi recunosc chiar mie insumi asta, and I've been grossed out by this, but it is the truth. When we were together, remember when you told me you didn't know we had a psychologist at work and I told you I should go to the psychologist? Well, I've been going there ofr 2 months. When I told you this then, back in my mind something told me that if I continue to do the things I've done up until now, it wouldn't work out between us. And I wanted to prevent and fix my stuff before this could happen. But little did I know, it was too late. Nevertheless, I still went. That's how important you were to me, but I couldn't show it. I was too busy tending to my past wounds rather than showing you 100% the importance you deserved. I was too busy protecting myself from irrational fears rather than protecting you or making you feel safe with me. I was so busy being sure I will not repeat the past that I've actually repeated it. I didn't allow myself to show you how much you meant to me because of my issues of generally feeling unlovable or undeserving of love. And in a twisted kind of way, secretly I was looking to confirm thiseven though it's complete fiction. I've been so busy with the thought that nobody would love such an imperfect man like myself and I hated myself for it, without realising that actually there is no such thing as perfect and everyone...well, they are how they are and that does not make them imperfect. And I was too busy hiding all this from you, because I couldn't bare the thought of you seeing all this, although again, it was pure fiction in my head. This is what I wanted to get rid of when I told you I should visit the psychologist, although at that time I didn't know exactly what I should fix. When I told you that you make me want to be a better man for me, for you, for us, I was telling the truth. That's it, in a nutshell. Something like this would've gone down on the second date. I've learned my lesson the very hard way and I know everything will be OK between us . If you also see this, then great, we could wipe the slate clean and start over again. If not, then great too." It's been 10 days since I've yet to receive any reply and have not contacted her since. And this kills me on the inside and I feel conflicted. On one hand, if she really wanted to say no to this, she would have flat out said it as soon as she read the entire thing. On the other hand, I feel that she will not answer this at all, it's been too long a time to leave this unanswered. I'm moving on with my life, still having hope that she will. And I find myself often having conflicting thoughts (though as of late the conflictual nature died down). At times I feel she just needs more time and space, at times I feel victimized in the thought that I need at least an answer, if not reconciliation. I'm also aware that she might not forgive or reconcile, she might also forgive but not reconcile and that she might also consider both. But as entitled as I feel to this, I'm very well aware that it is also wrong for me to have such expectations, because this is how life goes: sometimes you get closure, sometimes you don't. And this form of entitlement is kinda child-like, if not out-right wrong. Right now, I don't know squat for certain, so I'll just stop assuming stuff and move on. Although scared if reconciliation ever happens, I do believe every word I said to be true and that I'm genuinely sorry for what I did. At the same time, I'm starting to 100% accept the situation as it is and move on with my life. I know what I've said was the right thing and I know deep down in my heart that it would've been OK. But how things are now is beyond my control. I've done all I can, took every opportunity I had at hand. If she doesn't see this...then it's out of my hands. Any thoughts you guys might have would be deeply appreciated. Link to comment
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