Any positive stories at all after cheating occurred?

[bottled1111]

I know the majority of people that have been cheated on or even the cheaters always say once a cheater , always a cheater . Just wondering if there are any positive stories after cheating has occurred? I really had felt like our relationship was stronger having made it thru the cheating ...

[WombatShadow]

Couples survive cheating and emotional affairs all the time (not that I believe them to be different, but some do). Not all or even most couples, but many. I'm loathe to say "once a cheater, always a cheater", because people do make mistakes. However, it does seem more systemic with your husband...but he immediately took steps to get help for himself because he knew full well that he was in the wrong and what he needed to do to fix it.

 

Many of the people in your other thread were right about needing to slog through therapy with your husband and possibly on your own. He hurt you, and just like a broken bone you need to heal your heart. You can try to let it heal on its own, but unless it's "set" it could bring up problems down the road. It could be that what you need to heal is to leave him, but it could also be sticking with him and repairing the damage together.

 

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck. It will take a lot of effort, strength, and tears to make it through this situation regardless of which route you take, but you can always find some friendly ears/eyes here on ENA.

[j.man]

There are no absolutes. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't a universal truth. That said, past behavior is most often the best predictor of future behavior.

 

There are success stories of relationships and marriages coming back from infidelity. It typically involves extensive professional mediation and therapy, both for each partner individually and the couple. I'd say the most significant factor in successes being so rare is the fact trust cannot be, as much as we'd like to be, "earned" back. Trust is something given, and after such a betrayal, it's a very rare soul who can give it again. I'll be the first to admit I am not one of those people who could.

 

I believe in your previous thread you mentioned your husband having ended his most recent emotional affair and entered into therapy for himself and you two having entered couples therapy. That's a great start to any potential reconciliation. Do you have access to your own therapist who could individually help you navigate through your feelings around this?

[lostandhurt]

Speaking for myself and my experience:

 

It forced me to confront things in my life I needed to improve and accept instead of ignoring them and hoping they got better.

 

I learned a great deal about myself and people in general because my eyes were opened and not shielded by perception or hope.

 

I grew as a person and father and my relationship with my son is better than I could have ever imagined.

 

I am happier now than I was before the cheating.

 

I am content, confident, secure, healthy, have great friends, not fearful, know what I want my life to be like and most importantly know that no matter what happens in my life I will be okay.

 

 

These are all good things that came out of the hurt and betrayal and to me are a positive story.

 

She cheated after 20 years together. I caught her, tried to make it work but I caught her going back to him so the marriage ended. It may not be what you wanted to hear but for me at least it turned out to be a positive story.

 

Sometimes the best story is the one we don't think we want when it is all falling down around us...

 

Lost

 

Just remember cheating is not a mistake, it is a selfish choice that is done with only one person in mind...themselves.

[DancingFool]

Yes, I know a couple where cheating occurred, their marriage was on the rocks for all kinds of reasons in addition to cheating. The cheating finally drove them into marital counseling and they were mutually dedicated to make it work for them. It worked. They are still together, but like totally different people in that they are actually happy, their marriage is good and they are moving forward with their life as a team now. They've bought a house, their business is growing by leaps and bounds, etc. However, they were in heavy duty counseling for I believe a year or maybe even more. It's not a quick fix, but they were both very determined to clean up their life.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully this isn't more platitudes from that therapist who excused your husbands chronic cheating on 'not being close to his family'?. Yes he'll be on lovey-dovey behavior for a while to avoid an expensive divorce.

I really had felt like our relationship was stronger having made it thru the cheating ...

[Vicky89]

You need to stop what you are doing.

 

Looking through your other posts, this guy has stepped out on you several times and all it takes is a "sorry" and you stay with him.

 

You went to a therapist and the therapist makes excuses to why he cheated on you saying it's because he isn't close to his family ? What a load of BULL, and you are wasting your time and money on this therapist.

 

Now you get on here looking for positive outcomes to a cheating spouse, again, you refuse to come to terms that he is a lousy husband and a cheater.

 

If you want to stay with a guy that cheats on you that's fine that's your choice, but don't fool yourself into thinking he has changed, he hasn't. Hence, he keeps making the same decision to cheat on you time and time again. Also, you've caught him a couple of times, that doesn't mean those are the only times he has stepped out on you, that just means those were the times you caught.

[EternalOptimis]

Vicky89 is right. In everything she says. You are too scared of divorce you would rather live a lie and that's your choice.

 

There is next to no chance that the affairs you know about are the only affairs he's had or will have. And he will always rationalise them and justify them to himself.

 

You deserve better.

[bottled1111]

Hopefully this isn't more platitudes from that therapist who excused your husbands chronic cheating on 'not being close to his family'?. Yes he'll be on lovey-dovey behavior for a while to avoid an expensive divorce.

 

I am thankful for honest advice however a lot of this advice seems very judgemental. I asked an honest question & don't need people judging my issues or decisions . I honestly don't know what I am going to do . But I have 2 children that will also be impacted by my decisions so it's not just myself I have to think of . Nobody knows my life, nobody knows my husband & the kind of life he has lived. I am making no excuses for him as his choices have hurt me & I do not want to live my life like that . I just want to take all things into account , however, before giving up on a person I have spent the last 20 years with. People that have been cheated on & have moved on .. it is easy to say looking back what the right thing to do is . But that also doesn't mean it is the best decision for everybody . But where I am at now , it is hardly an easy decision . I really thought this app would give me some closure & good advice, instead I feel completely judged like I did something wrong . People hurt people everyday that they love. All of the time . What is most important is if a person is truly sorry & wants to get help & is willing to do anything to get there. And how much another person is willing to take . I don't know that I can get past this this time as I have given out my share of forgiveness . I just also do not want to regret not giving my marriage & family the chance it deserves. My own sister has done a lot of ty things to me over the years but she also has a lot of issues & I know that & try to remember that. Should I cut her off too - never to speak to her again ? It is never simple .

[LaHermes]

OP:

 

"People hurt people everyday that they love. All of the time "

 

No they don't.

 

Remember this:

 

"If it hurts it isn't love".

 

And btw I think you have got very good straightforward advice on here from the other posters.

 

It is, of course, your call.

 

 

And as Wombat said:

 

"but you can always find some friendly ears/eyes here on ENA."

[lostandhurt]

I know divorce and being on your own are scary but raising children in a home with a man that doesn't respect or truly love you is teaching them how to treat others when they are in a relationship and the lesson is a bad one.

 

I agree your therapist is not looking out for your best interests. Not all therapists are created equal and there are some really bad ones out there just like bad mechanics or waitress's.

 

If you read your words you can see that you are making excuses for his cheating. Cheating is a choice not a mistake, it is a selfish act that they get something out of with no regard for you, your children or your family. Continued cheating shows how little respect he has for you or the vows he took and just because you have been together 20 years doesn't mean you should tolerate cheating. It puts you at risk for STD's, teaches your children that it is okay to hurt people you love as long as you say your sorry and promise to change even though you won't and most of all it has chipped away at your self esteem and strength so much that you are unwilling to take a firm stand for your life.

 

Is your husband sorry? I doubt it. I am sure he is sorry he got caught again though. Many of us that have been here on ENA a while have seen and heard it all from cheaters justifying their betrayal and from their victims either blaming themselves or being utterly destroyed by the person they loved so much or both.

 

The only positive story as far as you are concerned is the one of your life. You cannot be your husbands conscience, you cannot be his keeper, you cannot police his behavior or whereabouts and you certainly cannot make him love and respect you. That all needs to come from him through choices. He didn't make a mistake, he made a choice over and over again. Will he choose differently next time? I hope he does and I hope in a few years this whole thing is nothing more than a terrible nightmare you lived through.

 

Unfortunately serial cheaters rarely stop their selfish ways.

 

We all want you to be safe, happy, respected and loved and you have to admit you haven't been.

 

Lost

[danewillow]

My husband cheated. The positive that came out of it eventually is that I am now happily divorced! The negative is wasting so much of my life married to him. I wish I'd left sooner.

[bottled1111]

OP:

 

"People hurt people everyday that they love. All of the time "

 

No they don't.

 

Remember this:

 

"If it hurts it isn't love".

 

And btw I think you have got very good straightforward advice on here from the other posters.

 

It is, of course, your call.

 

 

And as Wombat said:

 

"but you can always find some friendly ears/eyes here on ENA."

 

Ok.. and as I said my sister has done some pretty ty , hurtful things to me as well.. so she doesn't love me either ?

[LaHermes]

OP. What are you talking about!!

 

"as I said my sister has done some pretty ty , hurtful things to me as well.. so she doesn't love me either ?"

 

This thread is not about your sister. It is about a cheating partner.

 

Re-read. please, what Lost said above.

 

"If you read your words you can see that you are making excuses for his cheating. Cheating is a choice not a mistake, it is a selfish act that they get something out of with no regard for you, your children or your family. Continued cheating shows how little respect he has for you or the vows he took and just because you have been together 20 years doesn't mean you should tolerate cheating. It puts you at risk for STD's, teaches your children that it is okay to hurt people you love as long as you say your sorry and promise to change even though you won't and most of all it has chipped away at your self esteem and strength so much that you are unwilling to take a firm stand for your life.

"

 

What exactly is it that YOU want US to say? What you want to hear?! No, you will not get that on here.....

 

As EternalO said in an earlier post:

 

"You are too scared of divorce you would rather live a lie and that's your choice.

"

 

And it looks like nothing we can say will stop you either.

[bottled1111]

OP. What are you talking about!!

 

"as I said my sister has done some pretty ty , hurtful things to me as well.. so she doesn't love me either ?"

 

This thread is not about your sister. It is about a cheating partner.

 

Re-read. please, what Lost said above.

 

"If you read your words you can see that you are making excuses for his cheating. Cheating is a choice not a mistake, it is a selfish act that they get something out of with no regard for you, your children or your family. Continued cheating shows how little respect he has for you or the vows he took and just because you have been together 20 years doesn't mean you should tolerate cheating. It puts you at risk for STD's, teaches your children that it is okay to hurt people you love as long as you say your sorry and promise to change even though you won't and most of all it has chipped away at your self esteem and strength so much that you are unwilling to take a firm stand for your life.

"

 

What exactly is it that YOU want US to say? What you want to hear?! No, you will not get that on here.....

 

As EternalO said in an earlier post:

 

"You are too scared of divorce you would rather live a lie and that's your choice.

"

 

And it looks like nothing we can say will stop you either.

 

No not at all. YOU are not listening at all. I don't know what I am going to do . I'm just saying it's not black & white . People that love you do hurt you - my sister is a prime example . And though this may not be about her - she is just an example for that statement . She has hurt me badly but I guess that means she doesn't love me . Got it . Divorce is definitely scary but I also have the support & financial means for it . I am just trying to make the right decision for me & my family . But obviously you are saying it's one decision & that's it . No therapy , your husband will DEFINITELY do it again ( because you know him & our relationship so well) & that's that . Yep got it. You need do get some listening skills

[Capricorn3]

OP, I think the big question you should be asking is ... "can I ever trust him again?". He's already shown you what he's made of. Several times. Do you feel you'll really 100%, confidently, trust him in the future? No doubts at all? Ever? Because if you have even the slightest doubt, and no real trust, then you have nothing.

[bottled1111]

OP, I think the big question you should be asking is ... "can I ever trust him again?". He's already shown you what he's made of. Several times. Do you feel you'll really 100%, confidently, trust him in the future? No doubts at all? Ever? Because if you have even the slightest doubt, and no real trust, then you have nothing.

 

I honestly don't know & I guess that is what makes this hard for me . I mean no one is a psychic & can tell you what will happen in the future . My parents had a similiar situation & my mom regrets the divorce now . My dad HAS made amends & become a better person . I completely appreciate people giving advice but there is a way to be helpful ( like you ) & a way that just comes across as judging & condescending which I guess I just don't need right now . And I guess I just don't believe there is one right answer for everyone . It completely depends on the people involved.

[Capricorn3]

I honestly don't know & I guess that is what makes this hard for me . I mean no one is a psychic & can tell you what will happen in the future . My parents had a similiar situation & my mom regrets the divorce now . My dad HAS made amends & become a better person . I completely appreciate people giving advice but there is a way to be helpful ( like you ) & a way that just comes across as judging & condescending which I guess I just don't need right now . And I guess I just don't believe there is one right answer for everyone . It completely depends on the people involved.

 

You're right, it depends on the people involved. This is not a "one size fits all" answer. But it doesn't change the fact that the vast majority of cheating relationships do not have a happy ending. Sure, some work it out. But the vast majority? No.

 

You can only go on what/who you know. YOU know your husband. He has shown you his true colours. If you like what you see, well that's up to you. Myself? If I was in your shoes right now, I would head for the hills and never look back, but that's just me.

[LaHermes]

Dear Bottled.

 

First of all there is no need to be so rude. From what I can see YOU are not listening to anyone. Obviously I touched a nerve...lol.

 

As Capricorn said and I concur:

 

"Myself? If I was in your shoes right now, I would head for the hills and never look back, but that's just me."

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, no. This is Not the way it's supposed to be. A "we hurt the ones we love" marathon. However you have kids have lived through cheating before,

etc.. so why get divorced?

People hurt people everyday that they love. All of the time . What is most important is if a person is truly sorry & wants to get help & is willing to do anything to get there.

[alejandro79]

I am thankful for honest advice however a lot of this advice seems very judgemental. I asked an honest question & don't need people judging my issues or decisions . I honestly don't know what I am going to do . But I have 2 children that will also be impacted by my decisions so it's not just myself I have to think of . Nobody knows my life, nobody knows my husband & the kind of life he has lived. I am making no excuses for him as his choices have hurt me & I do not want to live my life like that . I just want to take all things into account , however, before giving up on a person I have spent the last 20 years with. People that have been cheated on & have moved on .. it is easy to say looking back what the right thing to do is . But that also doesn't mean it is the best decision for everybody . But where I am at now , it is hardly an easy decision . I really thought this app would give me some closure & good advice, instead I feel completely judged like I did something wrong . People hurt people everyday that they love. All of the time . What is most important is if a person is truly sorry & wants to get help & is willing to do anything to get there. And how much another person is willing to take . I don't know that I can get past this this time as I have given out my share of forgiveness . I just also do not want to regret not giving my marriage & family the chance it deserves. My own sister has done a lot of ty things to me over the years but she also has a lot of issues & I know that & try to remember that. Should I cut her off too - never to speak to her again ? It is never simple .

I would give anything for ex (not divorce wife) to consider another chance to our relationship. We have 3 children (2 steps....8 yrs and 5 yrs then my biological son 2 yrs) but I love them all 3 as my own. There's a lot to my contribution into my marriage. I started to see a pastor on the 3rd she left the house then start attending church as well starting counseling to go deep into the roots why my behavior is/was. Now, I'm just giving her space as I text her, I'm walking away and giving you what you want, space. I don't put time on this because she does need time to heal. People judgment me even my mother and sisters to why do I continue to take care of my steps kids and I told them, it's my decesion either they support or it, it's my choice, they are my kids. I even told my separated wife that I will take care of the kids with or without her being romantic in my life!

[Ziggy123]

I think most of the people commenting are being a bit harsh. If you love him and believe that he wants to do better and is putting in the effort then it is worth giving him a chance. Having been in the position of someone who messed up and would do anything for another chance, I can understand how he might feel. But you know him best. You're right it's never black and white.