NC Journal Log - #2

[LonelyJedi]

Today marks 60 days from when our break-up occurred. I am shocked to see my ex's progress (or lack thereof) and my lack of progress. I have been so incredibly hurt & sad after she left. And after I found out about this new BF (I was actively avoiding her), I literally could not breathe.

 

My ex has pushed me over the edge...

 

I have never drank alcohol before, I made that pledge to myself. When I found out about her new BF/rebound, I sunk so low to break that promise to myself and began drinking.

I used to be such an emotionally strong person, but she has destroyed me so much that I was prescribed anti-depressants during the day and Xanax for the night.

 

My ex was literally the first thought in my head this morning when I woke up. I did not plan on thinking about her. I literally woke up, turned off my alarm, and she popped into my head. It is like I had no control over it.

 

 

Rachel, stop haunting me! I need to let you go... I have been sticking to my No Contact well. I have not contacted you since you left on that god awful day, literally two months ago today. Yet you still control my thoughts & feelings. I know that you aren't coming back, it hurts to admit that. After all that we have been through, all of the progress you had made in your life... you still want to throw it all away.

 

Each day is better than the next, but this past Saturday has set me back a lot. It is almost like I am starting from Day #1.

[LonelyJedi]

I am not sure if I can keep going like this....

 

I wake up every morning thinking about her and the life we shared. I get so afraid of going back to my house, the memories & pain is becoming excruciating. Just thinking about the future and realizing that she won't be a part of it is almost unbearable.

 

 

I don't understand why I can't let her go... I think I developed such a deep attachment to her that I can't just break it overnight.

 

 

I haven't smiled in days. When I see friends, I feel better, but of course they can go home & back to their lives at the end of the day. I still have been living with my parents and the sadness is almost becoming overwhelming. I did not want my life to be like this... there must be a way out of this. I don't think I can do it on my own.

 

I used to be such a strong person. I think I gave my ex-fiance everything I had and I have now have nothing left.

Suicidal thoughts creep into my mind, as a way for my mind & heart to cope with this pain. I am still attracted to my ex, still love her, still miss her, etc.

 

I can't shake these feelings.

[hrb23]

I am not sure if I can keep going like this....

 

I wake up every morning thinking about her and the life we shared. I get so afraid of going back to my house, the memories & pain is becoming excruciating. Just thinking about the future and realizing that she won't be a part of it is almost unbearable.

 

 

I don't understand why I can't let her go... I think I developed such a deep attachment to her that I can't just break it overnight.

 

 

I haven't smiled in days. When I see friends, I feel better, but of course they can go home & back to their lives at the end of the day. I still have been living with my parents and the sadness is almost becoming overwhelming. I did not want my life to be like this... there must be a way out of this. I don't think I can do it on my own.

 

I used to be such a strong person. I think I gave my ex-fiance everything I had and I have now have nothing left.

Suicidal thoughts creep into my mind, as a way for my mind & heart to cope with this pain. I am still attracted to my ex, still love her, still miss her, etc.

 

I can't shake these feelings.

 

So don't, go and see a therapist or call someone that can help you (there are many hotlines), you sound like you need it.

[LonelyJedi]

So I slept again in my own house last night... it was horrible.

Getting up repeatedly throughout the night, visions of her & I, thinking this reality is just a dream... then I wake up and realize this harsh reality.

 

I know I need to move on, but for some reason I still want her to come back and talk with me. How can she have no respect for all of our time together??

 

My therapist said that once I am OK with the image of me & my ex together is gone, then I begin healing. Maybe I am afraid of dealing with those emotions... because it has been 6yrs since I faced these emotions.

[alejandro79]

I am approaching the 2 month mark of when my ex-fiance left me (24th day).

 

Despite what my therapist, friends and family all say, I still miss her and want her back. I miss the life we had.

But, I think I am conveniently forgetting all of the bad times we had too. I always thought that if we gave enough love & faith, we could conquer anything. I thought that we had made it this far, we could do anything.

 

Why am I still in denial? Why do I still think that she will contact me soon, why do I still believe that it isn't over?

 

I think... becauase I don't want to believe it.

 

Perhaps -I don't want to believe it is over.

I'm hitting my 5th month being separated. I still think about her and my children. I'm giving her space but she text me regarding our children I answer then go back to NC, giving space. The universe is working on her as much as its working on me. I go for ling walks, alone. I started to ride a bike, alone. I get up early and go for a run before work, alone. I'm enjoy my time for me, yes, I miss my family dearly but I can't force her. She needs to come all on her own. I do pray thru the day for her but I'm doing what I can control and that's me, my decision, my time, ME.

[Dominique]

So I slept again in my own house last night... it was horrible.

Getting up repeatedly throughout the night, visions of her & I, thinking this reality is just a dream... then I wake up and realize this harsh reality.

 

I know I need to move on, but for some reason I still want her to come back and talk with me. How can she have no respect for all of our time together??

 

My therapist said that once I am OK with the image of me & my ex together is gone, then I begin healing. Maybe I am afraid of dealing with those emotions... because it has been 6yrs since I faced these emotions.

 

i am sending you love and light.... watching you struggle for acceptance of your current relationship status breaks my heart. i want you to let go and find happiness. i have you in my thoughts today.

[LonelyJedi]

Today was a bit better. I hung out with my ex & I's old mutual friends. They are just my friends now.

 

After speaking with them for awhile, I am starting to think that my ex was a two-face liar. She would talk crap about me to our friend, which made the friend get a negative opinion of me and treat me abrasively. Which, in turn, made me not like the friend.

 

My sadness is slowly evolving into anger. I can feel it bubbling in my body.

 

But we'll see how I am in the morning.... the mornings are the worst for me.

[LonelyJedi]

I woke uo this morning missing my ex-fiance, but then my head eventually became clear.

 

Last night I went to a party with an very old friend of mine from elementary school. He was so excited to see me there. He told me that I was his first friend when he moved to our school. That was 14yrs ago.

 

It made me realize how much of an impact I have made on people's lives. I have also made a couple new friends as well. I feel good knowing that I helped my old friend be inspired for what he wanted to become.

[LonelyJedi]

This morning was rough.

I had a dream where these new girls were talking to me, but I still had my ex on my mind, then my ex contacted me. I was so nervous to respond, what should I say? Would she respond? What can I say that will make her mine again?

 

Reality is not as good as my dreams. Soon, my life will be back on track and I won't miss her anymore.

[LonelyJedi]

Today was my first day back to work after the holiday weekend.

 

All I did yesterday was do yardwork outside with my father. It made me sad because my ex-fiance said that she would help me with all of our yardwork "this upcoming spring", last year. It made me realize how alone I really am. My parents will be leaving for good come next year and I will be left alone. I need to get my life to where it was 3 months ago in order for myself to feel better.

 

Even when I try to forget it and hang out with friends (like I did last night), she still creeps into my head. The intense feelings of guilt and regret creep up on me..

"If only I didn't do this.... if only I didn't say this... etc". I am a shell of the man I once was.

 

I try to rationalize her behavior by saying that I cannot save her, I cannot turn her back to the light... I cannot make her mine again. But my heart still doesn't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that our 5yrs together & engagement went to waste and was thrown out so quickly.

 

I still wake up every day with my ex-fiance on my mind... I can't take it.

[LonelyJedi]

This morning was better. Facebook reminded me today that 3yrs ago our mutual friends got married, it showed a picture of me & my ex. It is one of my favorite pictures of us. I can't bear to delete it because she is a part of my history, I love her and I will never forget her. Guess she could care less.

 

I saw a "new" friend last night, Vini. I met him at a party last Saturday, at my elementary school friend's house. We have only spoken twice (once at the party and second time yesterday). We hit it off well and have become good friends. I told him a brief history of my ex and he told me that he views me as a leader, while my ex is a follower. I told him I appreciate that, but how does he know that I'm a leader when he doesn't know me that well.

 

He said: "Take a look at the things you have accomplished in your life. You took risks, knew what you wanted and got all of them. She, on the other hand, is a follower. She just follows what other people tell her to do. She will also make excuses for everything to avoid facing the consequences. She takes the easy path, which will hurt her in the long run."

 

It made me feel good to talk to my new friend, especially since he has a dream of becoming a pro wrestler or becoming an actor. I told him that I look forward to the day where I see him on TV and I can tell my wife (my ex or not) & kid that "I know that guy!". It feels good to inspire people like that, like how I would always try to inspire my ex to achieve her dream and live the life I thought she deserved.

[LonelyJedi]

My ex is STILL the first thought on my mind when I wake up... why can't this pain stop?

Doesn't she feel ANY pain, any remorse? I'm sure we can just talk and figure something out... I still miss her deeply.

 

Perhaps I miss the good times we shared, the "good" version of my ex. The person who I proposed to, the person who I imagined a life with.

Maybe I need to tell myself that she is dead... the girl I proposed to and the girl I loved is no more. She is gone forever and has been consumed by evil.

 

Our (mine now) mutual friends, including myself, don't recognize who she is anymore. Was the "true" version of my ex with me, or is this her "true" version now?

Everyone is confused... just like me.

[LonelyJedi]

My mornings are getting better, but I still miss your time together.

Perhaps I had my rose-color glasses on for so long, I didn't realize that my ex has ever had a mature decision (by herself) in her life.

I talked with my mutual friend, who has known my ex for longer than I have. She told me that my ex needs to vilify me in her head to justify her actions towards me. She makes impulsive and irrational decisions and now that I am no longer there to save her, she is destroying her life.

 

My father made an interesting point to me yesterday. I told him that I just wanted to give my ex the life that I thought she deserved, the life my parents gave me. One full of happiness, comfort and stability. My father said "You give that life to your kids, NOT to your wife. You and your wife provide that life TOGETHER for your child. Your ex is a child herself."

 

I do still hope that she thinks about me and eventually reaches out to me. To show respect for our time together, but maybe I need to stop hoping for that. I have seen what she is capable of with our friends... and what she did to me.

[goleta805]

Today is Friday, I hate fridays. It's when everyone goes out and party's. Especially, my ex. I don't know what she plans to do, but I hope she is safe as always.

[LonelyJedi]

Today I volunteered at a police organization 5k run.

 

I just greeted people, no big deal. After I was done, I approached one of the police officers and struck up a conversation.

 

One of my best friends, John, has had a dream of becoming a police officer. The officer gave me his card and number and offered to take my friend in a "ride along", to help him start his career.

 

I will be seeing my friend on Sunday and can't wait to tell him the good news.

 

I know if I can't help myself, I can help others. I am being the change I want to see in the world. This break-up has caused me to become more selfless to others, more than I already was.

[LonelyJedi]

I didn't have time to journal out for this weekend.

 

I am starting to talk to this girl on Friday and I am starting to like her. I am pretty sure she likes me back, we will be meeting each other on Tuesday after work. Perhaps this could be considered a "date"? lol. We have been talking non-stop since Friday.

 

When I went to my therapist on Friday, we discussed my ex more and my emotions. I told her that the previous week, from the suggestion of a friend, I demolished the last reminder that my ex left at the house, it was a storage unit that my ex kept all of her art supplies in. On the day she moved out, she told me that "everything left can be thrown out". She always liked to do artsy things, but she had a tendency to buy all of these things but then never finish them. I emptied out the storage unit and threw it all away. I then took a hammer and started re-enacting the scene from "Office Space" with the printer.... then we burned the pieces in a bonfire.

 

My therapist told me that this was symbolic of the relationship I had with my ex. There were so many things invested into the relationship (art supplies) that my ex just left behind for me to deal with (my emotions = storage unit). The destruction of this storage unit represented the destruction of our relationship, which left me in pieces. There was an unfinished painting that my ex started a few years ago, but never finished. Before I threw it in the fire, I looked at it and felt bad that I was destroying it. I said outloud, "I'm sorry ", then threw it in. My friends insisted that I don't "apologize to that b****!", but I felt that I needed to pay respect to the time we had together. My therapist said that is the difference between my ex & I, that I respected our time together instead of just throwing it away and becoming cruel about the break-up.

 

 

On Sunday, I saw my friend who wanted to be a police officer. I told him the good news from the previous night, about the police officer offering my friend a ride-along to jump start his dream career. Obviously, he was very thankful & appreciative for me helping him out. It felt very good to help a friend out, much like how my friends have helped me with the trauma of this terrible break-up.

[MissCanuck]

You're on the right track, OP.

 

My only caution would be dating much in the near future. There is certainly nothing wrong with meeting new girls and having fun, but you likely won't be ready to take it much further for a while. And that's perfectly okay!

[LonelyJedi]

Today is the day I am going to see this girl I like (she think shes like me) after work. I am excited to start dating again and she seems like a promising prospect hahaha.

 

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see my friend, Barney. I told him a brief synposis of what happened with my life and he also agreed that I had "dodged a bullet". He told me that everybody, including himself, doesn't even recognize who my ex is anymore. She has become a completely different person (for the worst) then when she was with me. Nobody likes her anymore.

 

After he went home, I got to hangout with some of my other friends to celebrate Eric's new job. The night went on and my single friend, Mike, ex & my ex came up. Eric just got married and they know both of our stories. Eric and his wife had told me that they had been praying for me every time they went to church and firmly believed that God got me out of this toxic relationship. They said that my ex poisoned me and is a very selfish person who does not care about anybody but herself. It made me realize even more that I dodged a bullet.

 

 

I am starting to think clearer now. I am starting to regain my vision back. I am starting to realize all of the tar that my ex had built up inside me, I am beginning to detox. I do still miss the good times with my ex, of course.... but she just took from me while I gave her everything I had. She was broken before I met her and she is broken again now.

[hrb23]

Today is the day I am going to see this girl I like (she think shes like me) after work. I am excited to start dating again and she seems like a promising prospect hahaha.

 

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see my friend, Barney. I told him a brief synposis of what happened with my life and he also agreed that I had "dodged a bullet". He told me that everybody, including himself, doesn't even recognize who my ex is anymore. She has become a completely different person (for the worst) then when she was with me. Nobody likes her anymore.

 

After he went home, I got to hangout with some of my other friends to celebrate Eric's new job. The night went on and my single friend, Mike, ex & my ex came up. Eric just got married and they know both of our stories. Eric and his wife had told me that they had been praying for me every time they went to church and firmly believed that God got me out of this toxic relationship. They said that my ex poisoned me and is a very selfish person who does not care about anybody but herself. It made me realize even more that I dodged a bullet.

 

 

I am starting to think clearer now. I am starting to regain my vision back. I am starting to realize all of the tar that my ex had built up inside me, I am beginning to detox. I do still miss the good times with my ex, of course.... but she just took from me while I gave her everything I had. She was broken before I met her and she is broken again now.

 

Approach this with EXTREME caution. From what I've read it seems like you are taking a big risk by dating again so soon.

 

Your ex should be at the back of your mind before you do this and it seems like she's still at the front of yours. Make sure you protect not only your own heart but this new girl too.

 

You will find the right person one day I'm sure of it. Just make sure you have taken the time to fully heal and give yourself a fresh foundation to build upon.

 

If you lost your old house to a natural disaster would you start building the new house without clearing the rubble first? No. You would clear away the remnants of the disaster, take the memories and start on a brand new slate.

[LonelyJedi]

The date went well yesterday. We met after work and she is a very nice girl. We talked and hung out for hours, until 11pm!

 

I still would like to take things slowly, especially since I am still recovering from the bleeding wound my ex-fiance left. I am still in shock on how she could throw away our life so easy and move on (if she truly has moved on).... there is no way she could have thought about leaving a couple months before hand. Her actions/words didn't align with a person who wanted out.

 

But, perhaps I was being blind.

 

Today I am going to the weekly Trivia night with my single friend.

Tomorrow I will be going to my company's baseball game outing. There is another girl who I like that will be there, I'll be sure to strike up a conversation with her and find out more about her.

[LonelyJedi]

I am still talking to the girl I went on the date with, she seems like a nice person but I have my doubts.

 

I am not sure if these doubts are of her or my fear of getting hurt again, like my ex-fiance did to me. I still am trying to "pay respect" to my time together with my ex-fiance by not bad mouthing her in front of people or bringing her up. But then I remember my ex-fiance could care less about me, I am fairly certain. She has done this level of cruelty to other people I know, however, it was years ago. So they have had time to recover.

 

I still miss my ex and the plans we were going to have, but I suppose she isn't thinking about me at all.

 

How can she have forgotten about me so easily? We spent 5yrs together, were engaged and lived together?

[LonelyJedi]

I am still trying to find the secret to how my ex can move on so quickly... (if she really has moved on at all).

 

Yesterday, I went to my company's baseball game outing and it was fun. However, it was the first baseball game where my ex-fiance was not there with me. I remember walking into the baseball stadium with my team members but kept looking over and expected to see my ex looking at me and smiling. Of course, this was only an illusion.

 

All of the memories I had with my ex are painful to confront. Seeing places & things of where we WOULD have gone and/or things we WOULD have done is hard to accept.

 

I had a strange dream last night. I was on a "Dr. Phil"-like show in where I would try to explain why my ex behaved the way she has and the break-up analysis. The show knew the answer, much like my ex... but they would not tell me until I guessed correctly. I received more points if the explanation I gave the show was closer to the "real" answer.

 

I just remember one last thing I told the show before I woke up: "Perhaps she has acted this way because she has a part of her parents' abusive personalities within her. Regardless of whether a child was treated good or bad, the child will always exhibit pieces of their parents' personalities... intentionally or not."

[thealchemist]

Sounds like you ex is just a chameleon type person. Just latches on and becomes a person with a specific person. She probably moves on because she has to have that attachment because that's how she distinguishes herself.

 

People like that fake a lot about themselves. They don't show people their true selves because they don't have much to show. It is hard to get over a person that you loved bit didn't truely exist.

 

She got a new guy because she is a parasite and needs that.

 

You shouldnt think about any relationships until you have more time. You were in a LDR. Takes awhile to be in a healthy place.

[LonelyJedi]

Today I slept in my house again. Getting through the night is tough, especially when I wake up and she isn't by my side.

 

But I must perservere without you. I do hope you talk to me one day, but I doubt it. All of our friends never liked you if seems, you have caused too much pain. Instead of facing your pain, you run from it.

 

I can admit my mistakes, why can't you? I have so much to tell you, R.

[LonelyJedi]

Today I woke up with a huge sense of guilt and regret.

I still cannot shake the guilt my ex has put on me.

 

After talking with my parents, I have seemed to even out. My father assures me that it wasn't the last "argument" we had, but it was my ex's inability to be an adult and motivation to work out our problems together.

 

Instead she would place blame on me, never forgive me for anything and in the end, run off when things got too hard.