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I have now moved back to my house, officially.

It is still lonely and quiet. I still miss waking up next to my ex-fiance and enjoying our day together.

 

But I know I can get through this... as my friends keep telling me, this is MY house that I bought on my own. She cant take it away from me.

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Every morning is a little trouble.

The memories of our relationship flood into my head and my mind is constantly trying to figure out what happened and where I went wrong and/or what her motives are/were.

 

So many unanswered questions... after all this time of 5yrs and engaged, she left and found someone new less than two months later. She also betrayed everything she stood for.

 

I miss my quiet life with her, but I guess she doesn't. Perhaps I need to "have fun", just like she is.

 

A small part of me still hopes she will return, but I doubt it. Our relationship wasn't all bad... was it? We had 5yrs and were going to get married at the end of the year!!

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Yesterday I went another date with the girl I like. She seems slightly more hyper than I am, but I think a little more "fun" is what I need.

 

I still miss my ex-fiance, I think I always will. The life we could have had, what could have been, what I should have done, where she walks now, etc. I have not physically seen her since she moved out and I have not heard a peep out of her since she texted me a week after she moved out.

 

I am pretty sure this new girl likes me too. The qualities I like about her is the fact that she is emotionally strong, unlike my ex-fiance. She can stand up to her friends, as she showed me yesterday. Taking it slow though... I wonder how long I need to wait until I ask her to be my official GF

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I too have such moments occasionally and it is hard, but you have to get rid of that hope. 7 months after my breakup I've gone a long way, but the sad moments appear every now and then - it's inevitable. Keep your head high and you will go through it.

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I am still unable to sleep fully throughout the night. Tossing, turning, constant nightmares of what happened.

 

I had a suspiscion throughout the night that my ex-fiance's new BF was a volunteer at the place that my ex volunteers(ed) at. I also volunteer here through my work. I checked the list of volunteers today and I was correct. He is a volunteer here.

 

Have been struggling this morning, makes me think she had this guy in the back of her mind.... just WAITING for me to set her off so she could leave and go with him.

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OP, I just want to ask, has anyone -- friends, family, therapist -- given you permission to just grieve this circumstance? Grief is not a three-month process. It probably can be, for a much lesser loss, but this relationship and person were your life for five years, and intended to be central in your whole future. If people (or you yourself) are pressuring you to get over it or move on already, they (or you) are really overlooking the deep importance of your relationship and your feelings about it. There's no real timeline for recovery, but in general my experience and observation is that a grief process can take up to at least two years to fully resolve. So if a few months into the first year, you are having trouble sleeping, or having nightmares, this is truly normal first year stuff. Once you pass the "first year" mark, something in you will relax, because you will know you survived it, and can look back and see how much you achieved and grew in that first terrible year, even as you grieved and grieved and thought at times that you couldn't take anymore.

 

Your relationship was not a fantasy. It was an actual set of agreements, routines, and affections, and some crucial ones, at the last, were broken. Yes we have to continue living, but no one should be expecting you to ?wake up and smell the coffee, get over it, find a replacement, move on. The key is to move forward, and just like when there is a shattering *physical* injury, it's essential to self-care, rest, listen to your own natural wisdom, and take it easy when you need to. Move through it slowly or quickly as your own feelings and limits dictate. You are growing through grieving and it's full of pain but also realization, especially SELF-realization. You are literally becoming a greater, wiser, emotionally stronger man through this process. That is the real gift of it, even as much as any of us might have preferred the growing we saw possible in the forfeited relationship.

 

Now is a time when your own heart and needs really count. Don't let anyone rush your process: if they are impatient with, or intimidated or annoyed by the intensity of your post-relationship grief, distance yourself a little from them when you need to. Because in saying or showing that to you, on some level they are making it about themselves. Up to you, whether to accommodate their preferences at this time. Up to you, whose relational or emotional needs are greater or more deserving of fulfillment.

 

You get to decide. Your continuing relationships may change because of this bereavement. But you *are* humanly entitled to be supported and understood as you go through this process. It's a death but also a slow rebirth.

 

I applaud you for moving back into your own house. I know that's hard, and it will take time for you to get used to it in this new way. But you now have so much opportunity to make it be and feel like a place where love will enter and stay.

 

First year can be really rough sailing. So one step at a time, as big or small as you decide, and fully at your own pace. I also like that you seem to remain functionally and enjoyably social; that can help so much. Second year will be far easier, and if you are still grieving then, guess what: still totally normal.

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Today was my first day back to work while living in the house since my ex-fiance left.

 

I am still very hurt and suicidal thoughts creep into my mind constantly.

 

I have two girls in my "queue" right now. One girl is very attractive and she is very fun to hang out with and the other one I am not so attracted to but our personalities match. I want to date and "have fun" with the first girl, but would like to see how things would go with the second.

 

I am not "dating" them simultaneously.... I am dating the first one for sure, but just talking to the second one in passing (not serious talking).

 

But for some reason, I STILL want my ex-fiance to come back. I still want to marry her... I still want her in my life. Despite EVERYONE (my therapist, family, friends, ENA posters, etc). What is wrong with me?!

 

My mind keeps saying, "If I am not with someone by the end of the year (when I was supposed to be married), I will leave this world. I can't keep living like this every day."

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Well, the girl I have been talking to the last month or so split up with me...

 

I just got the text of "We should talk to other people" text message and said that she didn't think this was going anywhere. I am slightly hurt, but not too terribly. I had my doubts about her, but I liked hanging out with her. I could tell that we were different people (she was hyper I wasn't, she was slightly reckless I wasn't, etc).

 

Still hurts to know another girl rejected me.

 

Onward & upward I guess...

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I still get waves of heavy guilt throughout my life, they hit the hardest in the morning time.

 

I shouldn't have said these things, I should have done this, etc etc...

The guilt is almost eating me alive. I wish I could just talk with her again and we could work this out and get our life together back. But I fear I will never hear from her again... I am so messed up right now. I feel so depressed when I think about my life, especially the life I COULD have had. Everyone is telling me that my ex-fiance would have continued to mess me up, but I can't seem to move on!

 

I still love her and miss her... what has she done to me?!

I feel so ashamed that she has been able to move on (or at the very least hide her feelings very well) so easily and I am unable to.

I still am unable to really get mad at her... I want to, but I can't. Do I love her too much? Do I feel too guilty to get mad? Am I afraid to get angry, much like how I was in the relationship?

 

I just don't know... every day & night alone has been a constant struggle since she left.

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Mornings are still tough... still wake up in disbelief.

 

I am ashamed that I still have feelings for this person... do I miss the PERSON or my IDEA of the person who I thought she was?

Too many memories... too much time... too lonely... it really sucks.

 

I am ashamed of the person I have become since she left. Maybe it is because I defined myself based on her.

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Part of it is because of what you said - you defined yourself based on her and that's not healthy! Don't be ashamed of yourself! Treat the situation like an addiction. You miss the idea of her. She is not the same person anymore, probably. So you have to move on!

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I can't move on.. I can't keep living like this.

 

Every morning is a struggle and I miss her and the life we had even more. I have been hanging out with old friends, but they always take me to bars and clubs to "pick up women"... these are not the type of women I want and I keep thinking to myself everyday, "This is not the way I wanted my life to turn out".

 

This reality is painful to wake up to everyday... perhaps I need additional therapy or have a mental institution evaluate me. I am at a loss... mentally, emotionally and physically.

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When I volunteered this past Saturday at a kid's autism daycare center, I noticed some bags in a backroom. Some very familiar stuffed animals peered out of the bag. I walked closer and started getting flashbacks. I looked deeper into the bag and realized that all of these stuffed animals & plush toys were my ex-fiance's. Every time we went to the Zoo together, I would buy her a different animal (one that she loved during that visit). She would always tell me that she could never throw them away because each one has its own special meaning to her. There was one in particular that she loved, a baby husky plush. This was the very first stuffed animal I gave her, a month or two before we started dating. She cherished it since that day and would always get tear up when we talked about the meaning behind it.

But on Saturday I reached inside the bag, pulled my hand out and there it was... the baby husky plush.

 

That is when the pain came rushing back, that is when I couldn't breathe. The realization that she donated/threw away EVERY stuffed animal that I gave her stung very badly. What did I do that was so bad? And despite all of this... I still wish she would talk to me again. What is wrong with me?!

 

 

Thinking towards the future, I am not sure if I even want another relationship ever again with a new person. I can't afford to get hurt again, maybe I am too picky? Maybe I am too petty? Maybe I am not as tolerant as I need to be? Which is what caused the destruction of my previous relationship.

 

I am dreading the end of this year. We were supposed to get married at the end of this year....

I keep thinking that one day I will wake up from this awful reality and the nightmare of her being gone will stop. But the days keep moving forward and I don't want them to. As this year closes, the more sad I get.

 

It will be exactly 4 months a week from today.... and I feel like she has made much more progress than I have.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You may think that your ex is making much more progress because that's what your mind wants you to believe. In reality, you're getting there, recovering. Yes, you finding those plush toys is definitely painful, I understand. That's an obstacle that appeared that you need to push through, I know it's painful, I really do.

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I met this really great girl this past Sunday..

 

We had been talking every day since then and met in person last Tuesday. We talked for 4 hours straight at our local coffee shop, I asked her out to the movies/dinner for the upcoming Friday. She agreed. Before we left we kissed a few times, hugged and then held hands and walked off to our cars.

The next morning she texted me and we had been texting all day.

 

Friday

Friday morning (the day of our date) I texted her and she said she wasn't feeling well but hoping she feels better. She eventually cancelled our date because she said she was feeling sick.... so I left it at that.

 

Saturday

The next morning, Saturday, she texted me with a "Hey and she said that she did end up getting sick and was glad we didn't go out because it would have been bad. We talked all day again. The next day, Sunday, I texted her and we talked all day... her texting was a bit more sporadic. She said she has been shopping for her new house that she is closing on Monday. She basically has to buy everything brand new for her place.

 

Sunday

I saw her briefly on Sunday. I did ask her if she still wanted to see that movie & go out to dinner... she said that we could do that but she will be busy this week and next week moving into her place as well as getting her place ready for all of the furniture getting delivered on the 4th. So I would believe this...

I had rented an exotic car for the weekend (for my friend's going away party) and I told her that I know it sounded last minute, but wondered if she wanted to see it/take a drive. She told me that she was at her cousin's house but said I could stop by. I stopped by and it was me, her and her two cousins. We all talked for a bit then it started to rain. Her cousins ran inside and she gave me a hug and said she would see me later.

 

Monday

I know today was the day she was closing on her house and I didn't reach out to her and she didn't reach out to me. I let it be.

 

Tuesday

I texted her in the morning with a simple, "Morning (we have said that same text to each other before). I did not get a response at all.

 

Wednesday: (today)

I am not going to reach out until she reaches out to me.... what the heck happened??

 

 

I am not trying to think about her too much, because then I will get myself worked up and get my hopes up.

I do really like this girl, we have A LOT in common... both superficial (favorite foods, interests) & deeper issues (financial stability, maturity).

She checks every mark for me...

 

 

My most recent ex has made me very paranoid in regarding new relationships and how people feel about me..... she showed me that nobody is safe!

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I haven't heard from the girl I like since Sunday... I know she just closed on her new place on Monday. I guess I need to stop being so paranoid.

My recent ex has made me doubtful of everything and not to get too comfortable with anyone.

 

Hope things get better in the next few weeks...

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Hi Lonelyjedi,

 

I hope ur feeling much better! Im a girl and basing from her actions, she's not that into you. If there's a guy a we really like, we always always respond no matter how busy we are.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say that your thread is great. I still have to read everything from the beggining and i cant imagine the pain ur in. Im currently at day 1 of nc and hopefully it will get better each passing day.

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Hi Lonelyjedi,

 

I hope ur feeling much better! Im a girl and basing from her actions, she's not that into you. If there's a guy a we really like, we always always respond no matter how busy we are.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say that your thread is great. I still have to read everything from the beggining and i cant imagine the pain ur in. Im currently at day 1 of nc and hopefully it will get better each passing day.

 

All the best in starting your journey of NC, Makii!

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Every day that passes I keep looking at my life in shock and thinking.... "This is not the life I had intended. This is not where I had envisioned my life would be."

 

I had everything lined up in my life, but my ex-fiance took it away from me. This has been a bad week....

 

Since this week started, I have not heard from the girl I like (she has closed on her condo/moving in/doing friend's wedding thing). Our weekly trivia got cancelled since my friend was sick, I went fishing with my friend and we didn't catch anything, my therapist didn't really help me this week....

 

I can only hope next week is better.

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Every day that passes I keep looking at my life in shock and thinking.... "This is not the life I had intended. This is not where I had envisioned my life would be."

 

I had everything lined up in my life, but my ex-fiance took it away from me. This has been a bad week....

 

Since this week started, I have not heard from the girl I like (she has closed on her condo/moving in/doing friend's wedding thing). Our weekly trivia got cancelled since my friend was sick, I went fishing with my friend and we didn't catch anything, my therapist didn't really help me this week....

 

I can only hope next week is better.

 

I cant imagine ur pain! I have never been in a long term relationship before. It must be difficult. Just remember, be thankful u are alive and blessed. Love will come at the right time. Everyone of us cope differently, so do what is best for you. Be a good person and you'll receive more blessings in life!

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This week sucked.

 

Almost all of the plans I made with my friends got cancelled, haven't heard a peep out of the girl I like and I got sick this weekend so I couldn't do anything.

Hopefully the weeks ahead will be better... but I still think about the end of the year and what could have been with my ex-fiance.

 

Will she come back? Probably not.. she has become evil & twisted by her mother.

Does she miss me? Probably not. She despises me for some reason.

 

 

This year has not been kind to me or my family...

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