NC Journal Log - #2

[SleekAvocado]

This week sucked.

 

Almost all of the plans I made with my friends got cancelled, haven't heard a peep out of the girl I like and I got sick this weekend so I couldn't do anything.

Hopefully the weeks ahead will be better... but I still think about the end of the year and what could have been with my ex-fiance.

 

Will she come back? Probably not.. she has become evil & twisted by her mother.

Does she miss me? Probably not. She despises me for some reason.

 

 

This year has not been kind to me or my family...

 

Hang in there. This year might not be kind but always remember that life is not going against you. Life is just slapping you in the face. Then when you fell down, pull yourself back up. You can do it. We can do it together!

[LonelyJedi]

I know I am only 24yrs old and people keep telling me that I am "so young".... I still miss my ex-fiance. But perhaps I am just reminiscing the good times and not remembering the bad times. And when I do remember the bad times, I tend to take the blame for it or rationalize it away.

 

I guess it just feels so unfair that my ex found someone else SO quickly. According to all my friends (as well as my ex has admitted), she has trouble finding people because of all her mental/emotional problems. Why am I not able to find someone as quickly as she did?

[SleekAvocado]

I know I am only 24yrs old and people keep telling me that I am "so young".... I still miss my ex-fiance. But perhaps I am just reminiscing the good times and not remembering the bad times. And when I do remember the bad times, I tend to take the blame for it or rationalize it away.

 

I guess it just feels so unfair that my ex found someone else SO quickly. According to all my friends (as well as my ex has admitted), she has trouble finding people because of all her mental/emotional problems. Why am I not able to find someone as quickly as she did?

 

Oh hey, we are the same age! I just turned 24 last month, to be exact!

 

I am in a very similar to your situation too, saw my ex getting dropped by another guy just a few days after we broke up. Of course I was devastated for a few days, but now I am learning to let it just go. It doesn't matter how fast our ex found another partner quickly. It's just not worth it to crack our head thinking why. Having those thoughts or questions like "how did she move on so fast?" is nothing but wasteful to your energy. Sure, I feel a bit low too at times but I am slowly learning to "process" the information for a brief moment, then just let it go. I am 13 days into my NC and I am just gonna continue my NC journey because I know that's the only thing that can help me.

 

It must be hard for you too, LonelyJedi, I really do understand. Let's get on this journey and heal together. The best revenge is not to take any revenge, it is to move on and show the other person that life is so much better after they're gone.

[LonelyJedi]

I have been talking to other women on this new online dating app my friend referred me to, OkCupid.

 

There is one that I REALLY like, we have only talked a couple times. We match 99% on all of our questions and we have a lot in common (comparing our profiles & answers to compatibility questions). I have since asked her to meet for coffee and she "read" the message late Sunday night and hasn't been online since. I know I am probably just being paranoid, but the past couple girls I have talked to have flaked on me... not to mention the damage my ex-fiance has done to me.

 

I need to stop freaking out and worrying if she doesn't respond immediately.

[SleekAvocado]

I have been talking to other women on this new online dating app my friend referred me to, OkCupid.

 

There is one that I REALLY like, we have only talked a couple times. We match 99% on all of our questions and we have a lot in common (comparing our profiles & answers to compatibility questions). I have since asked her to meet for coffee and she "read" the message late Sunday night and hasn't been online since. I know I am probably just being paranoid, but the past couple girls I have talked to have flaked on me... not to mention the damage my ex-fiance has done to me.

 

I need to stop freaking out and worrying if she doesn't respond immediately.

 

I have been on OkCupid and Tinder too. Anddd similar case. At first, they will show interest in chatting and whatnot and the next day they might be just gone. You need to be prepared mentally if the girls suddenly stopped responding or does not seem to have any interest in the conversation anymore. It's okay if they don't show any interest anymore, you will just need to get on talking to other girls.

 

Also, day 18th on my NC. Things are feeling much better compared to the first few weeks. Though I still sometimes think about her, the pain is much lesser. I know I will get through this heartbreak slowly but surely!

[LonelyJedi]

Even though it has been almost 5 months since my ex-fiance left, I guess I am still not over her.

Facebook showed me all of the statuses/photos that I had posted "On This Day"... even though I have already blocked my ex on FB, her old previous comments still exist on my stuff. I saw that she changed her profile picture to her and her new BF.... even though I couldn't click on her name (since I blocked her), it still stung deep.

 

They have been together less than 3 months and we have been broken up less than 5 months. What is wrong with me? How can she move on SO quickly, destroy our entire relationship so quickly, eradicate every trace of me and destroy all of her feelings & memories of me?

 

While I am still bleeding on the side lines... single and living alone.

[LonelyJedi]

I had the weirdest dream last night, but it was oddly satisfying...

 

In my dream, my ex-fiance came to my house to talk about things. I don't remember if she was still with her current BF or not.

 

(names retracted)

She sat at my table and we talked about things. I then finally said, " knows EVERYTHING, as does "K" and "L". When you left me, I told them everything. They know how cruel you were. They know you lied to them and betrayed everything you stood for. They all know.. EVERYTHING."

 

She began crying. As bad as it sounds, I smiled a bit in my dream. I felt a sense that justice had been served, to a small degree. She then began apologizing, I responded by saying "How can I believe you? You have lied to me, hid things from me and DESTROYED my heart. Just like before, I can't trust what you tell me. I have learned that it is not your words that matter, it is what you do that defines you. Your actions tell me that you are a cruel person who has no regard for other people's feelings. You have allowed your mother to twist your mind until now, you have become the very thing you swore you would not be."

 

I remember waking up in the middle of this dream and felt a sense of relief, thinking that it was real. But of course, it was not. I was still alone in my house, still single, while she is still enjoying herself with her BF. I can only hope that one day the pain she has inflicted on me and our friends, will come back to haunt her.