NC Journal Log - #2

[LonelyJedi]

Today I woke up and had a horrible nightmare about my ex-fiance.

 

The dream consisted of us sleeping in our bed together, cuddling as we would every night.

She told me that she had a compromise in place in regards to seeing her family, working on our problems, etc.

 

In the dream, I told her... "That is a great compromise! That sounds good, I'll go along with that!" But much to my shock & hurt, my ex said "I know. But I didn't want to tell you those things because I wanted to break-up." She began crying and I reached out to give her a hug and bring her close. She pushed me away and said "I'm sorry", I couldn't breathe and looked at her in such shock. How could she be so heartless?

 

I then woke up to my alarm and gasped again.

These days suck....

[LonelyJedi]

Today I woke up with slightly less shock. All of our plans together have been destroyed.

 

But I need to press on... I need to keep my confidence. I need to become the person I was before I met my ex-fiance.

[LordRorek]

Today I woke up with slightly less shock. All of our plans together have been destroyed.

 

But I need to press on... I need to keep my confidence. I need to become the person I was before I met my ex-fiance.

 

No you won't be the person you were before her....You'll be even better. 😊

[LonelyJedi]

I saw that new movie, Wonder Woman, yesterday with my friend Vini.

I met him at a party a few weeks ago and he hit it off well. He is a dreamer, like me.

 

When I was watching the movie, it reminded me of my ex. We watched the previews together and said we were going to see the movie together when it came out in June. But then a week or two later, she left. Was she lying? Was she really believing that we'd be fine but then made an impulsive decision (like she does for all of her other decisions?).

In the beginning of movie, Wonder Woman shared the same philosophy of me. "I can help these people!", "I can save them!" But towards the end of the movie, she realized that some people cannot be saved. Some people are just the way they are, forever. Not even a GOD can help them...

 

I still wake up with a state of shock and disbelief as to what happened. But every day is a single step towards progress.

[LonelyJedi]

Today I woke up missing what we had, but for some reason my gut keeps whispering to me... "This isn't over". I have not been able to shake that voice since my ex-fiance was leaving that night and began packing up all of her stuff.

 

Perhaps I am still in denial.

 

I also get VERY depressed when I start to think that I no longer have anymore long-term plans for this year, or for the rest of my life. We planned on getting married in October, going on a mini-vacation in November and eventually going on our month-long honeymoon in December. I now have nothing... and I have no idea what she is doing. I want to know if she is missing me, but of course I don't want to know anything that won't benefit me (i.e. she moved on, doesn't care about me, etc).

[EternalOptimis]

I always read your updates. And I feel your pain.

 

Even if she's moved on, trust me she still thinks about you. Even while with her new guy, her friends, her family. And of course it's normal to want the ex to feel miserable. If they didn't, it validates our worst fears we didn't mean that much to them..

 

But you do need to address your potential denial. That can eat you up. I assume you're still going to counselling. It's important that you continue. Believe deep down that it's over, so you can really begin to heal.

 

Hang in there

[LonelyJedi]

Yesterday I went on another date with this girl that likes me. I like her, but she usually isn't the type of girl I go after....

Ever since my ex-fiance left me, I have been doubting my perception of reality. Am I really this cruel person she thinks I am? Did I overstep my boundaries with her family? Did she lie to me this whole time?

 

Thoughts of suicide creep into my mind, they only serve as a "way out" of this miserable life I now live. The only family I have left are my parents and they are leaving for good beginning next year. I will be truly alone next year, unless I get my life to the point it was at the beginning of this year (wedding set, honeymoon booked, living with wife, etc).

 

I am afraid of what the future holds. I am afraid that she will never talk to me again, never attempt to make amends, never attempt to make things right.

Was she truly unhappy with me, or did she just side with her family? For some reason, I have been doubting myself, my reality and my personality.

 

I don't know what it will take for me to stop doubting myself and my perception of reality.

[LonelyJedi]

Today marks the 1yr anniversary of when I bought mg house. Funny how much has changed in a single year.

I did not imagine my life to turn out this way... without my ex.

 

I will be volunteering today with a friend, in hopes to drown my sorrows with helping kids.

[LonelyJedi]

Yesterday I volunteered at a daycare center for Autistic children with a friend. It made me realize that angels do live on this Earth.

 

However, my thoughts still dwell on my ex. I still cannot believe she can switch so quickly. I woke up this morning heartbroken she wasn't by my side.

 

Every morning is a struggle. I don't know what the truth is.

[hopeparis]

8 days NC. The tears came out of nowhere today and I can't stop thinking about you, although I know I don't love you anymore, although I don't want you in my life, although I know you don't deserve me, it still hurts. It hurts so much to HAVE loved you, to have given you a second chance and you blew it again. You had "doubts" again. I didn't deserve this.

I'm sad I wasted so much time for someone who came back, only for you to let me go so easily.

[LonelyJedi]

Yesterday was a stressful Father's Day.... I thought about my ex all day.

 

I don't think I am able to deny my feelings any longer. I want her back, for some reason...

I cannot figure out why! Perhaps my therapist will know, or anyone on here can shed some light on this?

 

The break-up is approaching it's 3 month mark... and I have healed, but not to family/friends' expectations. Which makes me feel like I am falling behind and not making good progress.

 

The first thing that popped into my head this morning was, "I am surprised that you could have forgotten me so easily after all we have been through. I will NEVER forget you."

[hopeparis]

Day 9 of NC. It already seems like it has been months since we broke up.

Why is it harder than in the beginning? Isn't it supposed to get easier with time? I can't take this pain any longer.

[LonelyJedi]

Yesterday I found out my ex did not drop out of school completely.

 

It is almost like I started back from Day 1... I have been living in another illusion.

She told our mutual friend that she dropped out of school to be a teacher because "they don't make any money" and she didn't "want to depend on a man" like she was. But now it is OK again?

 

What do I believe? What is true? What is going on?!

[LonelyJedi]

I went on a spontaneous road trip with my friend Vini.

 

We traveled to Belle Isle, which is in Detroit. We also decided to walk around the Renaissance Center, the building where I want to eventually work in. This is also the same building that I went to Comic-Con with my ex-fiance for the past 4 years. It was painful, to say the least. As we walked around, I could see the ghosts of us walking through. We stood right here when we were talking about this, we took a picture here, we bonded here, etc.

 

Why can't I erase these flashbacks? Isn't she going through the same trauma as I am?

She still has not reached out to me.... but I think she never will. Probably because she, by her own admission, avoids confrontation. I don't think she can handle ever being the bad guy and admitting her faults. If and when she would apologize to me, I never made her feel bad. If she did something wrong that upset me, I would accept her apology and forgive her.

 

I don't think she would do the same for me.

[LonelyJedi]

I am afraid to look towards the future, I become incredibly sad when I think "I don't have any plans anymore".

I don't like doing things alone, especially now when I am fragile & broken. This is not how I wanted my life to be...

 

I feel like my parents are becoming impatient with me, wondering why I am not over this break-up and not over her. I feel like I need to get over this breakup soon... feeling pressured to do it quickly.

I will speak with my therapist about this today.

 

I will admit, I have lost myself. This breakup has destroyed me. While I am not as bad as I was when it happened, I still feel incomplete.

I do not know who I am anymore, I lost sight of who I was.

[LonelyJedi]

The memories & flashbacks need to stop! They are becoming unbearable & exhausting.

 

I have been in a constant state of depression, guilt, denial & self-doubt since she left. What is true? What isn't true?

I have been seeing my therapist, and she says that she sees progress. I feel like I have been getting better, but not at the rate I want to.

 

How can my ex-fiance forget me so easily? How can she move on so easily? Or has she not forgotten me, has she not moved on? I don't know!

 

I am trying to focus on myself, but everywhere I go is a memory of her or a memory of what might have been.

This break-up is horrible, it has taken a toll on all of us.

 

I would do anything to go back in time and resolve some of the mistakes I made. But then I always ask myself, would my ex want to undo some of the mistakes she made? According to her, she had done nothing wrong and I was to blame for everything.

[LonelyJedi]

I had another date with this girl Iike, she was very much attracted to me.

 

It is only the second date and we are acting like boyfriend/girlfriend. I keep comparing her to my ex. My ex was better with this, this new girl is better with this... etc.

 

I keep thinking, "I am dating this girl and we are kissing, cuddling, etc. Is this what my ex did shortly after the breakup? And waited two months to update her relationship status? Or did she just make another impulsive and reckless decision?

[Dominique]

It's hard to stop

Obsessing about the past. But moving on is your only choice.

[bbogdanov]

Concentrate on your new girl, free yourself from the past and see if something new and beautiful can come out of it.

[LonelyJedi]

I do like this girl I am hanging out with, she currently lives with an ex in a bad area and will be moving out at the end of this week.

Their relationship has been over for 2-3 months, she had to try to find a new place. The new place where she is going is closer to me and in a better area.

 

We'll see how this goes, just trying to go for a "test drive". I don't want to rush anything, but I also like this girl a lot. I am pretty sure she likes me a lot too. She is very... forward physically lol. She has a few characters I don't like though, such as having tattoos & smoking. However, she says she is trying to quit smoking.

[LonelyJedi]

I wasn't able to talk to the girl I like yesterday.... I sent her SnapChats throughout the day and she viewed them, but was never able to text me back.

She has told me from the get-go that she is a "terrible texter"... she said she gets distracted a lot and forgets to respond. She also works a lot at the hair salon.

 

I was going to try and text her again today and just ask straight up if she wanted to go on a third date.

 

In regards to my ex, I only think about her when I am all alone and if no new girls are talking to me... or if nobody is talking to me.

[EternalOptimis]

This is also the same building that I went to Comic-Con with my ex-fiance for the past 4 years. It was painful, to say the least. As we walked around, I could see the ghosts of us walking through. We stood right here when we were talking about this, we took a picture here, we bonded here, etc.

On our honeymoon, we spent a week in Cancun. 4.5 years later, at the start of a savage divorce, a good friend who's kindness I'll never forget, insisted I joined him and his family for a two weeks. Turned out his holiday apartment was.. in Cancun. That first night I stood on the balcony and looked down the strip at our hotel. There, but half a mile and a thousand years ago..

Often, it helps to "reform" the memory. To not activey avoid places from your past relationship

 

I have been seeing my therapist, and she says that she sees progress. I feel like I have been getting better, but not at the rate I want to.

It feels that way at the start and it's only later you realise it's quietly helping enormously. Keep at it

 

How can my ex-fiance forget me so easily? How can she move on so easily? Or has she not forgotten me, has she not moved on? I don't know!

She hasn't. I can guarantee she thinks about you often. But the relationship is over and in NC you don't know, and will gradually start to care less, how they are handling it

 

We'll see how this goes, just trying to go for a "test drive". I don't want to rush anything, but I also like this girl a lot. I am pretty sure she likes me a lot too.

It's very good you're doing this. But you're right not to rush

[LonelyJedi]

Yesterday I was able to get a hold of the girl I like...

 

She is moving out of her ex's condo starting today and this weekend. I asked if she wanted to come with me to trivia tonight (as she said she wanted to on our first date). She said that she is moving today but otherwise she would. She offered to try and see each other on tomorrow but she gets out of work a little later. Guess that's a good sign?

 

I offered to help her move this weekend and she said I could help her out.

We'll see how this goes...

 

I plan on taking her out on a "big" date for the weekend of July 21st-22nd. Hopefully by then everything will be aligned for that to happen.

 

I still miss my ex-fiance from time-to-time, but my over-analyzing thoughts are becoming less & less as the days progress. I feel that we could have great potential, but her emotional immaturity was too much for her apparently. My therapist has confirmed in my last session that she "hits all of the marks" of a person suffering from borderline personality disorder.

[LonelyJedi]

The girl I like texted me yesterday, so I was pretty excited.

 

We spoke for a little bit, but she had to work and is beginning the move out of her ex's place today and this weekend. I asked her if she wanted any help and I believe I will be helping her today and possibly this weekend. I think she still likes me? I guess I am doubting myself because I don't want to live a lie (thinking she does like me) and then find out I have been wrong this whole time.

 

In other news, FaceBook showed me some old posts of mine from years ago. Even though I blocked my ex-fiance, her old comments still remain on my old posts. I noticed that her profile picture changed and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. The feelings didn't spiral into depression, just shock and I shook my head and whispered, "What happened to you?"

[LonelyJedi]

I finalized some of the mid-July plans yesterday so it should be all ready to go. The girl I like (let's call her R) texted me for awhile but then went to work. I know she is busy moving out and working.

 

I saw another girl (let's call her N), who I know likes me... but I don't like her that much. Logically, she seems compatible with me. However, I am not really that attracted to her... physically or otherwise. My heart is still set on this other girl that I want to see ®. However, N invited me to her dad's wedding on August 5th. I did say I could go, but I sort of don't want to.... I'd rather go on more dates with R first.

 

*sigh* This is not how I wanted my life to be... I was perfectly content with how my life was with my ex-fiance. We had so many plans that have now been destroyed. I was meant to inspire good in both of our lives, not madness... not this life.