Break ups much harder for men?

[Jy1986usa]

Hey everyone. Four in a half months post break up. Life still sucks. Still think about her way too much. Still in the "everything reminds me of her" stage. Still in the "I might not ever find someone as good or someone else at all" stage.

 

Today I was bored and started reading articles about break ups and the general consensus was they're much harder on men. There's lots of logical, emotional, and even scientific reasons why but there's too many to start listing them out.

 

Disclaimer- much of below is my opinion but it's based off experience and research.

 

But essentially it comes down to dating/relationships are much different for men because we are the ones who have to compete for your affection. We spend most of our single lives awkwardly approaching you at bars, sending countless online dating messages, and asking all our friends girlfriends/wife's to hook us up with their single friends and mostly get rejected. So when we finally find that special someone that will give us their affection and commit to us it's such a relief because that single life that some people romanticize actually can be very stressful and disheartening especially when you desire a relationship. So when you break up with us among a multitude of other reasons it sucks because once we get over you (if we ever do) we're back to square one and starting over with the cycle of rejection and loneliness.

 

Where with women you go back to being pursued and having the luxury of being able to be selective choosing a new romantic partner. Because the blatant truth is women especially attractive women can get a boyfriend whenever they want. They can get laid whenever they want. Come on it's no secret that thing between your legs gives you the power! Before any women freak out on me I'm not saying break ups can't be difficult for you as well but because of this in my opinion is why you ladies move on easier and faster. And that's why dating/relationships/break ups and everything involved are harder for men because of these drastically different dynamics.

 

And again this is my opinion of course so men and women please feel free to disagree.

 

Anyway I know that was kind of a long rant but my concern now is that I'm going to have a much more difficult and longer time getting over this than I thought. Guys can any of you relate to this? Any success stories that might make me feel better? I really just want to be over all this already. This sucks.

 

Thanks....

[Wiseman2]

Ok if this is your theory, you should be on dating apps talking to and meeting women who want that bf. women especially attractive women can get a boyfriend whenever they want.

[Dominique]

I'm crying about my ex daily and won't let anyone touch me. He is having sex with his receptionist 2 months later.

 

I think the pain is all in the eye of the beholder/dumpee.

[Dominique]

Ps. I'm an attractive woman.

 

 

Pps. I'm sorry you are hurting. Truly. It doesn't matter if you are male or female. It's excruciating

[saluk]

Anyway I know that was kind of a long rant but my concern now is that I'm going to have a much more difficult and longer time getting over this than I thought. Guys can any of you relate to this? Any success stories that might make me feel better? I really just want to be over all this already. This sucks.

 

A random smattering of articles don't dictate what your healing process will be like or how long it will take.

 

You are the only one who dictates that.

 

If there is any truth to "men have a harder time in a breakup than women", it is still only a statistical truth. Say a man in a break up is *70% more likely to have the hard time compared to the woman (in a hetero couple). That still means in *30% of couples it's the woman who has the hard time. I don't know how many couples there are, but I think it's safe to say it is higher than the number of marriages*. With 60 million marriages* in the US, that equates to at least 18 million couples* where the female has a harder time.

 

Why don't you make a deal with yourself that you will be in that 18 million. See if you can do better than your ex.

 

Try to have as much fun getting over her as you can! Sure it will be tough. But your a man right? You are built for tough things.

 

 

 

*All numbers estimates; number of marriages looked up at /

[Bob2526]

I agree with most of what you wrote. I think break ups are hard for both parties involved. I did feel like my ex seemed to move on pretty quickly from me. I look back on it now and I'm sure she was preparing herself for several weeks until she decided to do it. I saw her several weeks after the break up and we talked at the time about what she was up to and she seemed like I was nothing to her and that we didn't have a history. and at the time I was falling into a depression I never thought I'd recover from. Several months later she did ask co workers about me and how I was doing. She also mentioned to them that she was seeing someone else. That set me back a couple more days. It's been over four months for me and I'm the middle of April something for me just turned around. I didn't think of her that much anymore, and I started feeling like myself again. I always told myself that I was fine before I met here and that I would be fine without her. During the last couple months I saw what I did wrong in the relationship and there were so many things that I learned about myself. I also thought the longer I continued to dwell on this pain, the longer it would take to meet a better suitable partner.

[Jy1986usa]

Thank you for the response so far.

 

Wiseman2- point well taken. But I have female friends who use online dating and all have told me their inboxes are full of messages from guys which is my point...lots of options.

 

Dominique- sorry about that. Yes it certainly does suck being the dumpee. I would love yours or any other woman's perspective of my theory.

 

Saluk- I think that's a misconception though than men are "tough" and better equipped to deal with this stuff. I think emotionally women are the stronger sex. It seems backwards because in tv and movies they portray men that just go and hook up with a bunch of women in order to recover and women cry into their pillows when in real life it's the women that go out and have girls nights and men tend to isolate themselves more.

 

And to anyone who offers their opinion which I appreciate very much it's probably fair for me to point out that my perspective has been skewed by my recent experience so I'm probably not the most objective. That's why I would love others people's viewpoints.

[Jy1986usa]

Thanks Bob2526.

 

Pretty much same thing happened to me. Women leave men mentally long before they leave them physically. She seemingly moved on very quickly and never looked back while my life has been in complete disarray.

[Dominique]

I believe whomever makes the choice to end things, moves on faster. Regardless of sex.

 

I have definitely moved on faster when I decided the relationship was over.

 

I have moved on slower when he decided the relationship was over. In every case (in my life and those I know) the recovery card was held by the person who ended it.

[Hollyj]

" Because the blatant truth is women especially attractive women can get a boyfriend whenever they want."

I don't know where your sourcing is coming from, but it is a bunch of crap! Are we taking any man, or someone of quality with a good value system? I'm also an attractive woman.

 

It took me a long time to get over my ex. He seemed to move forward just fine.

[Jy1986usa]

Dominique- guess you're right. Being rejected by someone who you were so intimately close with and trusted is like you said excruciating. I still can't believe she just left me like that even though I know break ups happen all the time and are a part of life.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, your ex left you, but try not to think of it as an us vs. them. Both men and women have come to this site to understand our break ups, seek answers and deal with pain.

[Annia]

No, the capability of moving on isn't dependent on gender. I suffer like hell from break ups too. And I don't feel it's that easy to find a boyfriend whenever I want and that's it.

[Hollyj]

OP, just because the dating site inboxes are full, doesn't mean it isn't just a bunch of creeps looking for a lay. It's quality, not quantity that is important.

[Jy1986usa]

Hollyj-yes! Thank for the response!

 

Yes I understand how finding a quality man is probably a different situation and more difficult. And I'm still reeling from my break up so forgive me as I do have a "women are evil and cruel" perspective right now.

 

Again this is my perspective based on my own personal experience, being a guy, and the premise of my argument which is women have it easier because they're who is pursued.

 

But maybe I'm crazy. Love the feedback though. Thanks.

[Hollyj]

Hollyj-yes! Thank for the response!

 

Yes I understand how finding a quality man is probably a different situation and more difficult. And I'm still reeling from my break up so forgive me as I do have a "women are evil and cruel" perspective right now.

 

Again this is my perspective based on my own personal experience, being a guy, and the premise of my argument which is women have it easier because they're who is pursued.

 

But maybe I'm crazy. Love the feedback though. Thanks.

 

 

How is the job search? Are things looking up?

[Jy1986usa]

Maybe just to give you a little insight on why I'm thinking this way. My ex actually pursued me. We met at a fantasy football draft and she thought I was attractive and funny. Everyone went to a friends house to party afterwords and I originally did not want to go. But she talked me into it and then proceeded to seduce me. She made it clear she wanted me and basically initiated everything and had her way with me at the end of the night. After that we dated for two years and she used to brag about how she always gets what she wants and she wanted me and got me...fairly easily. And that's in part why I think you guys can do what you want when you want because I was a victim of it haha.

[Hollyj]

Hollyj-yes! Thank for the response!

 

Yes I understand how finding a quality man is probably a different situation and more difficult. And I'm still reeling from my break up so forgive me as I do have a "women are evil and cruel" perspective right now.

 

Again this is my perspective based on my own personal experience, being a guy, and the premise of my argument which is women have it easier because they're who is pursued.

 

But maybe I'm crazy. Love the feedback though. Thanks.

 

I think you will read many stories on this site, where many have been royally screwed over by both sexes.

 

The negative generalization of women is not healthy.

[Jy1986usa]

The job search has improved. I had an interview this week and another one lined up for next. Thank you for asking.

[Hollyj]

Maybe just to give you a little insight on why I'm thinking this way. My ex actually pursued me. We met at a fantasy football draft and she thought I was attractive and funny. Everyone went to a friends house to party afterwords and I originally did not want to go. But she talked me into it and then proceeded to seduce me. She made it clear she wanted me and basically initiated everything and had her way with me at the end of the night. After that we dated for two years and she used to brag about how she always gets what she wants and she wanted me and got me...fairly easily. And that's in part why I think you guys can do what you want when you want because I was a victim of it haha.

 

How many situations does a one night stand end up i a relationship? Hardly ever. Your thinking about women and how easy it is for us, serves no purpose and is very unproductive. Focus on more important issues. You need to stop viewing yourself as a victim. It gets you nowhere.

[Hollyj]

The job search has improved. I had an interview this week and another one lined up for next. Thank you for asking.

 

Fantastic!!!!! Focus on that.

 

Good luck!!!

[Jy1986usa]

Hollyj - I know I have a messed up perspective right now and I admit it. But statistically 70% of break ups and divorces are initiated by women. Why is that? I think it's because of everything I've been saying. You got more options so you can be fickle in relationships. But I welcome your opinion on why breakups are so lopsided.

[Hollyj]

Hollyj - I know I have a messed up perspective right now and I admit it. But statistically 70% of break ups and divorces are initiated by women. Why is that? I think it's because of everything I've been saying. You got more options so you can be fickle in relationships. But I welcome your opinion on why breakups are so lopsided.

 

"“It supports the theory that sociologists refer to as ‘the stalled gender revolution,‘ meaning that as much as women’s roles in society have changed, women’s roles within the families have changed very slowly,” he said, citing husband’s expectation for wives to do the bulk of the housework and childcare, even when both spouses work. "

 

Sourced form Huffington Post.

 

It said that breakups were equal with men and women.

[Hollyj]

Honestly, what does it matter. I think you need to focus on getting healthy and moving forward. This negative talk serves no purpose.

[Dominique]

" Because the blatant truth is women especially attractive women can get a boyfriend whenever they want."

I don't know where your sourcing is coming from, but it is a bunch of crap! Are we taking any man, or someone of quality with a good value system? I'm also an attractive woman.

 

It took me a long time to get over my ex. He seemed to move forward just fine.

 

I can get "a boyfriend" right now but are we are talking about a connection and someone of substance? Or some creep looking for a lay for a few months, someone to abuse or harass me and my kid ....before he moves on to someone else and ruins my credit in the meantime?

 

If I wanted someone to "come over", probably I could have someone tonight.... I got two offers today. One from a 60 year old (I'm 36) that was clearly a weird predator. The other was trying to lure me into meeting him somewhere "private". I don't even know this person! He said hello and I said hello in return to be polite!

 

Please stop feeling like this is a man woman thing. Bottom line "rejection breeds obsession". When someone breaks up with you (male or female) it hurts! And you the "broken" one struggles to recover. This is why it is called the "broken heart". Someone "broke" it and now you have to fix it.

 

I know gorgeous women who have been dumped by men who were less than "average" attractive and were not nice to them and these women "who can have anyone they want" were in bed eating ice cream and crying for weeks. In one case it took a lady I know (a model) a year to even consider dating again because she was so broken.

 

(P. S. I don't care one wit about looks. I care about connection. I personally have always preferred a smart man no matter what his looks are. I mention looks in this example to make a point that these women could "have anyone" and these men "should have felt lucky" by traditional/superficial standards)