True love....effortless?

[kudos]

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I'm struggling to decide if my ex just wasnt the one or if we both put walls up (I know I certainly did) and didn't try hard enough to push through them.

Does true love just happen, should it be effortless?

 

1 month on from the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn't 'let him in', he tried to help me with this but i was way too careful about protecting myself. Now I've got nothing left to lose I realise I should have trusted him to, And opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself though but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication, I think he was more aware if this than me, at the time anyway.

 

Those in loving relationships, did true love just make the relationship easy, or did you still have to work through some issues?

 

When i last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said I know I didn't try hard enough but I was scared. He replied you shouldn't have to try. Do you agree?

 

Thanks 😀

[rosephase]

Ha! Ha! Ouch... hahahahaha. No. Long term committed Relationships are not effortless. 'True Love ' doesn't change that.

[Seraphim]

Um,no. True love and long-term commitment are NOT effortless . They require work to stay committed and true.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to be yourself and have boundaries from day one. That way there are no walls and nothing to 'break down'. Breaking down walls indicates a lack of boundaries. Putting up walls indicates a lack of sincerity.

[kudos]

Hi Wiseman. Your comments got my attention but I'm not sure what you mean. Could you explain further?

[Annia]

Relationships take work and dedication. I think that initially interest on both parties should be effortless (not trying to make someone like you who doesn't want you), but after that there needs to be work put in the relationship.The thing is knowing which relationships are worth working on or the ones that are not worth it and where it's better to cut our losses.

 

I'd say that the best relationships to work on are relationships that are healthy (this is subjective, I know), that add positive things to our already good life, that the partner also puts work and effort into the relationship, where the partner is interested, respectful and caring on a consistent basis and where both are compatible. There are relationships where both partners are great respectful persons to each other, but somehow there are incompatibilities that can't be solved, even with all the love in the world. All the relationships, even the most loving ones will have ups and downs and difficult times regardless of the love both feel for each other, then it's up to each one of us to choose our battles.

[Dreamfunk]

True love will always find it's way.... Effortlessly or with its ups and downs, you can work it out.

Call me old fashioned but if you love someone and they love you then it's easy to communicate and get through bad times.

Unfortunately we are not always on the same page and sometimes things don't go to plan!

[kudos]

Thank you all.

 

I guess my next question is....

How did you know if it's one to work on or walk away from?

 

 

It's weird I've come back to this question, as it was very much my thoughts immediately after the break up.

[Annia]

Thank you all.

 

I guess my next question is....

How did you know if it's one to work on or walk away from?

 

 

It's weird I've come back to this question, as it was very much my thoughts immediately after the break up.

 

It's hard to know... I'd just tell you not to fall into the addictive hole of the "what ifs". You did the best you could at the time.

 

Sometimes it doesn't work and there aren't many specifics... sometimes it's just a sign that it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason or for certain incompatibilities or different ways of communicating and approaching problems without finding a middle ground.

 

I think it's a good thing that you're trying to learn about what failed and it's good that you take it in a constructive manner so that it helps you in future relationships, but as a said don't stay for too long in "what if" land and accept that sometimes there are layers of the relationship that we have no control on. We can control our actions, but we can't control how they are perceived by our partner or their actions and thoughts.

[kudos]

Thanks Annia. Your replies are much appreciated.

[Dreamfunk]

Time to walk is when you have put your heart into trying to make things work. Trust your gutt and think about how it makes you feel and if you feel like walking then your question has been answered by you. Be happy in you and the rest comes easy 😊

[thornz]

Thank you all.

 

I guess my next question is....

How did you know if it's one to work on or walk away from?

 

 

It's weird I've come back to this question, as it was very much my thoughts immediately after the break up.

 

You know it's one to walk away from when there is no progress, your issues are never resolved and you go around in circles arguing about the same problems.

[Wiseman2]

I think infatuation is 'effortless'. 'She's so amazing even her farts smell too good to be true", etc. Real love that evolves from that takes effort but it should be a battle or a chore.

[saluk]

True love is effortless at being willing and able to put in the effort.

[Annia]

I think infatuation is 'effortless'. 'She's so amazing even her farts smell too good to be true", etc. Real love that evolves from that takes effort but it should be a battle or a chore.

 

Hahaha thanks for the laugh!

[used2blue]

It is work in a sense. It is caring at every level. It is not being afraid to say the things that needs to be said.

It is not sweeping things under the rug. It is doing whatever needs to be done in order to not have resentments.

It is always asking "have you said all that needs to be said" or "are we good"

You are never going to meet eye to eye on everything.

It's about being open and vulnerable.

Vulnerable is scary, but oh so good in the long run.

You don't have to hide or suppress YOUR FEELINGS OR DESIRES.

You open to becoming the most authentic person you can be.

You can support the other person at their most vulnerable spots.

Anyone can be in love and happy when things are going well.

Unconditional love comes when you are open and there is no ego.

Bottom line, it is not effortless.

[catfeeder]

Love is an emotion, while loving acts are a behavior. The two don't always translate, as demo'd by parents who may love their kids but don't know how to raise them in a loving, encouraging way.

 

While relationships take work, some couples find this easier than others. I'd consider it time to walk away if I find myself unhealthier inside the relationship than I would be on my own. In my book, relationships either enhance my life in some important way, or I recognize that some people are best loved from far away.

 

I don't find finger pointing, especially after the fact, to be useful--at all. It makes no sense to say, "WE failed because YOU didn't (this or that)." It's just as easy to say, "YOU didn't (that or this)." It's an endless loop of useless blame, because when two people don't blend well, they don't bring out the best in one another, and that's not necessarily either person's 'fault'. Bad chemistry between any given two people is an actual phenomenon, and it's more common than a good match--which is the rare needle in the haystack we all search for.

 

So I'd quit belaboring what went wrong and trust that when you're ready to 'see' what you could have done differently at the time, it will come to you based on some ascent in your own healing and learning. That will occur as you progress through your own private growth. We can only gain that perspective in hindsight from a far enough distance away from it, so staying stuck on trying to see it NOW is just a form of stagnation. That won't move us into any giant epiphanies because by definition, stagnation it not movement.

 

I'd look forward and go there. Lessons from the past will show up when we've moved beyond them well enough to see them through loving and forgiving eyes.

[Annia]

Love is an emotion, while loving acts are a behavior. The two don't always translate, as demo'd by parents who may love their kids but don't know how to raise them in a loving, encouraging way.

 

While relationships take work, some couples find this easier than others. I'd consider it time to walk away if I find myself unhealthier inside the relationship than I would be on my own. In my book, relationships either enhance my life in some important way, or I recognize that some people are best loved from far away.

 

I don't find finger pointing, especially after the fact, to be useful--at all. It makes no sense to say, "WE failed because YOU didn't (this or that)." It's just as easy to say, "YOU didn't (that or this)." It's an endless loop of useless blame, because when two people don't blend well, they don't bring out the best in one another, and that's not necessarily either person's 'fault'. Bad chemistry between any given two people is an actual phenomenon, and it's more common than a good match--which is the rare needle in the haystack we all search for.

 

So I'd quit belaboring what went wrong and trust that when you're ready to 'see' what you could have done differently at the time, it will come to you based on some ascent in your own healing and learning. That will occur as you progress through your own private growth. We can only gain that perspective in hindsight from a far enough distance away from it, so staying stuck on trying to see it NOW is just a form of stagnation. That won't move us into any giant epiphanies because by definition, stagnation it not movement.

 

I'd look forward and go there. Lessons from the past will show up when we've moved beyond them well enough to see them through loving and forgiving eyes.

 

I'm not the OP but reading this helped me a lot. Thanks.

[kudos]

Cat feeder you are amazing! Thank you once again!