Tough Breakup, please help?

[Breakupbois]

Met a woman online a year ago. We become good friends and occasionally gamed together. She had a boyfriend at the time, long distance for 3 years (with a minor break between somewhere)

 

Anyway, we became really close near the end of this year. She was unhappy with him for some reasons that I won't get much into because I don't really remember myself. Anyway, we started developing feelings for eachother, and she broke up with him. Problem here being is that, she jumped right into us after. She considered taking a break before us but we both decided we didn't want to wait. Every night we would get on call and fall asleep and wake up together, truly something I looked forward to every night, it became a ritual and habit. Nights without it (when she was on vacation with family) or when her internet was down were really tough for me to sleep. We played games often and watched Netflix together. We updated eachother throughout the day while on lunch breaks. It was going fantastic until she would mention talking to her ex, just to check up on him. It upsetted me because he was an ex for a reason. She's too kind and wanted to check on him, I allowed it even though she knew I was uncomfortable with it. They got into a texting arugment and she left him alone.

 

Anywho, she got accepted to a college, and was so happy. Then she became stressed and depressed due to lacking financially. When she gets like that, she tends to isolate herself and just think. I am one who loves constent affection and attention so she knew it slightly upsetted me because she wasn't being sweet/attentive to me. (I understood but it still got to me sometimes) Then we started talking about college and how busy she might get, and how we might talk much less and we wouldn't sleep on call every night because she would be rooming with other people. I was planning to visit her this summer as well, and all of this stress and depression just hit her and she called off the relationship saying we rushed into this and she needs time to work on herself? But how and why? I was thrown off guard and cried like crazy. She even said when we first started dating she was so happy and I made her feel amazing, and now it's just gone, and she wasn't sure if it was her stress or what (she was also pmsing at this time) That broke me.

 

Also, might I mention that her ex (not me) tried to get with another girl after they split and she rejected him too? He said he was over her and happy that I was dating her.

 

A week before our breakup, she tried contacting her ex and he basically said he didn't want to talk and he was trying to get over her still.

 

After we broke up, she started talking to him again, and he let her back in his life despite saying "I'm not over you please dont contact me I am trying to get over you" Now he's right back on her I'm sure.

 

My ex removed me on a few things, but not everything. (FB, IG, SKYPE, DISCORD she kept me on) She removed all of our mutual friends (my friends) but kept me.

 

We tried texting and it turned into a little heated discussion about her talking to her ex again, I mostly asked if the reason she dumped me was that she could go back to talking to him without making me feel uncomfortable, and she said no. I even asked if she was seeing him again and she said no, just as friends. The conversation ended saying that she needs time and that we shouldn't message for awhile. I'm sure she has the intent of messaging me when she misses me, or when she is no longer upset with me (I messaged her best friend about it after we broke up) but who knows when that is?

 

Last thing, I have been checking and snooping (I hate to admit it, I hate doing it, I have no self control) on Discord. All night she is labeled online, even though I know she is asleep because of her job. I looked into this and found out if you're in a call, but afk, you're still labeled as online. Which leads me to believe she is on call with him as she sleeps. Again tonight that further could confirm this, her ex was in a game with his friends, and she was on idle. He gets off the game, and she is now online, and still is an hour later as I type this.

 

I feel like she is slowly going back to him, or using him in place of me and our routine we had developed in 3 months. I even remember her being active on an app she only used to call me on her lunch breaks, leading me to believe she calls him instead of me on her lunch breaks.

 

It pains me to make these assumptions, they could be all false after all, right? I miss her, but also hate her if she is doing this to me. Why? When she was still dating him, we played games together and even slept on call together. Is this karma?

 

I just need help on how to get rid of these feelings I have and try to move on. It's been 1 week as of today. I haven't cried since Wednesday so that's good, but it is still hard on me. I am exhausted, and will update more later, or if there are any other questions you want to ask then let me know.

[Dominique]

Try not to dwell on why it happened.

Try to focus on how u will survive and move forward as a better person.

[JustinPonders]

Honestly, your best bet is to not contact her AT ALL. You cannot force someone to talk to you. I know it's easier said than done, believe me. But if you want a chance with this woman you need to be strong and lay low, like all the way low. Let her miss you. It will happen. So as long as you didn't end things on a bad note, trust me, she will eventually miss you. If she goes back to her bf then you can't do anything about it. He's got more of a connection with her than you so you gotta let their relationship run its course. The good news is most likely their relationship will not last. Trust me. Especially at their age, which I'm guessing are in the 20s. Once their old bad habits start up again then they'll breakup and guess where she'll be running too? Yup, you guessed it, you! So just hang back, enjoy your life. Play games, work on yourself. Try not to snoop on her even though you will but try not too and in due time things might turn up. But you gotta play it cool man. Don't put any pressure on her whatsoever. Once she feels your pressure she's going to back off more and more and all you'll be doing is driving her faster to her ex so play your cards right. Be a cool dude and don't talk about their relationship at all. It's not your business. If you play it cool and fun, happy guy she'll love you more for it so work this all in your favor. It's not over. And if it is, no worries, you'll eventually find someone else. Look, it's tough okay, I won't deny that but this is life for ya. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she was using you as a rebound and shoulder to cry on. And you haven't even met. It would be best to get on dating apps and meet real live women in person locally. She sounds shady at best.

Nights without it when she was on vacation with family or when her internet was down were really tough for me to sleep. We played games often and watched Netflix together.

[MissCanuck]

OP, is it correct that you have never met her?

 

Please, for your own happiness and well-being, take Wiseman's advice and focus on meeting local girls instead. This type of attachment to a person you've never met isn't healthy and often doesn't reflect reality. I know you two got to know each other well, but it's impossible to really know someone unless you're spending time with them in person. You know her online activities and what she presents to you, but you have no idea what she does or who she does it with when she's offline. In other words, you really only know part of her.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, in any event. Her being fresh out of a relationship and still in communication with her ex were both significant red flags. Don't monitor her online activity as it will only make you feel worse. Remember that a virtual relationship can never be as fulfilling a real-life one, so you will move on to happier pastures when you date locally.

[RomansEmpire]

I know how hard it can be; I'm struggling with my own breakup currently. It may be a good idea for you to block her on anything she hasn't already blocked you on. It gives a bit of control back and at least makes it harder for you to try to snoop. I wish there was an easy answer or some magic pill to make it all go away but you just have to work through the pain. I am terrible at NC and make it about 30 days each time before I reach out hoping for a reply; it only hurts. Try to take the advice of the members here. They really are speaking from experience and want to help.

[Dominique]

I know how hard it can be; I'm struggling with my own breakup currently. It may be a good idea for you to block her on anything she hasn't already blocked you on. It gives a bit of control back and at least makes it harder for you to try to snoop. I wish there was an easy answer or some magic pill to make it all go away but you just have to work through the pain. I am terrible at NC and make it about 30 days each time before I reach out hoping for a reply; it only hurts. Try to take the advice of the members here. They really are speaking from experience and want to help.

U r so right.

[boltnrun]

Have you ever met in person?

[Breakupbois]

To answer a couple of questions asked by you guys- no, we hadn't met. We were planning on it in the next two months or so, before she was heading off to college. And yes we are both 20s. I just felt that our connection was strong the entire relationship. She sent me gifts for valentines and my birthday (within the same week) she sent me a letter in the mail, and bought me some other things as well. I find it hard to believe I was a rebound if she did buy me things and more to show that she was caring and cared for me. I still feel she doesn't realize she ed up. I still HOPE she messages me again, at least in a friendly manner.

 

She told me that she felt she couldn't give me the attention I deserved, which feels like the blame and downfall of the relationship was my needs and what I liked. I am an insecure person when it comes to relationships, she was okay with that. She was willing to work through our problems and then when we ran into them she just sort of bailed and went back to chatting with her ex, which still doesn't make sense. They have an emotional connection where if something bad happens to one of them, the other person gets an uneasy feeling. A few weeks before the breakup she told me she felt like something had happened to him. When she talked to him after we broke up, she told me that she was right and that something did happen to him. We don't have that connection.

 

I appreciate all of the advice and comments, guys. Thank you so much. I was really close to texting her last night, but realized that it would have only pushed her away further or something else, which is how and why I stumbled upon this forum. I really do wish things were different, and I feel like had I not been so attention-needy, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. I just feel like it's my fault when it probably isn't.

 

Long distance is hard, yeah, but it could work. Honestly why this is probably hitting me so hard is that this is my first 'offical' relationship if you will. I've tried local dating believe me, (I was usually rejected!) and when I met this woman online, I had no intention of dating her. The feelings just developed over time.

 

I miss the company, I think, not so much being hers. It was great having someone genuinely ask about your day, and seem interested in how work was or what's new with my friends. (i.e making any weekend plans with them or how they were in general) We are both very anti-social, and don't do much aside from work and coming home to game and talk to one another on Skype, which is why I don't believe I met "one side of her" or her being shady.

 

She said she would contact me, she just needed time. I'm not sure how much that is, or if she will just forget about me eventually and never get in contact with me. Again with this being someone I really cared about, and my first relationship (first love, too?) I find it very hard to forget about her. I know I keep going around in circles but it feels good to type it out in general. If you've read both posts in full, thank you so much.

[MissCanuck]

The thing is, OP, you didn't date this girl either.

 

I don't say that to minimize the friendship you shared, but this wasn't dating. You've never taken her on a date, much less laid eyes on her in person. I think it's critical that you keep perspective on this, because it sounds like you both got carried away with something that never actually materialized.

 

The more you say, the more I believe she was feeding you some BS. She and her ex "sense" when the other is in need? Oh, please. No, they just weren't ready to cut the cord and were searching for reasons to contact each other. Her sending you gifts was thoughtful, but it doesn't mean you weren't a rebound, unfortunately. Sending a gift isn't difficult; emotional investment and true commitment is. That's where she couldn't live up to promises, because she's still emotionally attached to her ex.

 

I think in the future if you venture into online dating, you need to make sure you're connecting with women who: A) live relatively close by so you can meet frequently, and B) are not fresh out of relationships. This friendship was unlikely to develop into a real relationship because you chose someone who is unavailable on several levels. Seek out more for yourself next time.

 

When you do eventually meet that special woman who knocks your socks off, you will wonder why you wasted so much time and energy on an online fantasy. I promise! But you need to get offline and get out and meet girls in your area. Otherwise, you'll face similar disappointments in the future.