Can I Convince Him Long Distance Is Okay?

[ClaireDarling]

So there's a guy I met. He asked me on a date. We've been on three so far. Between the first and the second he told me that he's moving after graduation. It's about 5 hours away.

 

After the last time we hung out, he hasn't messaged me as much. It's only been two days, and he's been pretty busy so it makes sense. But where we were talking like morning to night, the past two days have been a few messages here and there.

 

He's strange guy. Not who I would normally go for but I really feel quite comfortable just talking to him.

 

Anyway, today I wanted to see where we stood and asked him flat out if he likes me. I don't know if he thinks I'm asking if he likes me as a person or if he likes me as more than a friend, but either way he said that he does like me. But he said he doesn't see it turning into dating because he is moving in about a month and a half or so.

 

Right now, I'm wondering if I should continue to hang out with him while he's here, call whatever this is off because I am getting pretty attached already, or if I should try to convince him that long distance isn't that bad?

 

To be honest, since I've met him he's been driving everywhere! But I understand because his family loves the 5 hours away. So, it could just be that he doesn't want to date me. He's also not very good at expressing emotions or talking about things in depth. He thinks he's boring and doesn't know why I like him.

 

Opinions on what I should do?

[boltnrun]

Three dates in isn't nearly enough to try a long-distance relationship. Usually those work only when a strong foundation has been set. My friend is currently in a long-distance marriage...but she has been married to her husband for over 20 years.

 

If you have to "convince" him, and he's already said he doesn't see it turning into dating because he's moving, I'd say don't bother asking.

 

If you can't continue to see him without getting attached, I recommend you wish him well and then let him go on his way.

[limichelle]

I don't see it working for long distance because he doesn't sound invested or wanting a relationship with you. If he really liked you and wanted to be with you he wouldnt mind being five hours away. Yeah either let him fade or just wish him the best of luck and date someone more settled where you are.

 

Lisa

[Wolfboy702]

This guy seems quite shy and has a lot of self-doubt from your description, I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks you don't really like him and is worried about getting too attached. Make it clear to him how you feel and that you want to move forward with the relationship (if that's what you want of course). Open-ended questions are very good when trying to get answers and be sure to reinforce positives if he's doubting himself, he may not say it verbally but try and read what he's feeling.

 

If he doesn't want a long-distance relationship I wouldn't advise trying. Even if he initially agrees his reasons for not wanting one will persist and will gradually form a wedge between the two of you. That said he could just be afraid of it not working and just needs encouragement, try and discern which of the two it is and go from there. You need to take the initiative with things like this because although he might be thinking about them he is likely not confident enough to start a conversation about them.

[ClaireDarling]

Oh, boy! I knew I'd get mixed answers. So, I'm getting not to press long distance.

 

I'm getting the vibe that he either doesn't find this serious af all and isn't invested or he doesn't really know how to tell me or what to do if he is.

 

We just aren't really talking as much but he keeps saying he likes me. I even asked him to tell me honestly because it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but he insists.

 

I'm thinking I'm not going to pursue conversation at all, which will suck because this felt really nice. But if he chooses to continue conversation and asks if we're going to hang out again on my days off, then I might say yes and just tell him in person. I can't get much out of him otherwise with anything like this. The only time I did was when he was home and was having a pretty heated convo with his mom and he told me everything about that.

He was also drunk and talked to me most of the day. Today he's at a bar with friends for someone's birthday and intoxicated as well, but we haven't really talked at all.

[randomperson13]

I don't think that he's looking for a relationship right now and if you get yourself too attached to him I feel you will just get hurt. If a guy says he's not looking for a relationship you should believe him. However I do think that if you just wanted to be friends and talk via text or phone he probably would be okay with that. But I wouldn't go looking for a relationship or to be intimate with this individual. Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

[Tanzi]

If you are getting pretty attached already it would be better for you to call it quits now. If he doesn't see it turning into dating then he doesn't see it turning into dating. It doesn't matter why. He is most likely using the distance as an excuse. If he liked you enough he would be willing to give it a go - as you are.

 

You can't - and neither should you want to - convince someone to go out with you. You should want them to want to.

[boltnrun]

I'm sure he does like you. But three dates is not enough to base a long distance relationship, especially if he's already indicated he doesn't see the point of dating when he's leaving.

 

And I definitely would not "press" long distance! I don't think anyone would respond well to being "pressed", again because he already said there was no point in getting involved when he's leaving.

 

If you can enjoy spending time with him knowing there's an end date, go ahead. But if it's going to make you feel sad and hurt when he leaves, it's probably better to just stop seeing him now.

[Tanzi]

Oh, boy! I knew I'd get mixed answers.

 

It seems pretty unanimous to me!

[catfeeder]

Can I Convince Him Long Distance Is Okay?

 

If you feel a need to 'convince' a new date of anything, then he's not your guy.

 

Dating isn't about making a sale, it's about finding someone who is RIGHT for you. Anyone who's not interested in sticking around for the kind of relationship you want and deserve isn't necessarily a villain, but he's not your match.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early.

[katrina1980]

If you feel a need to 'convince' a new date of anything, then he's not your guy.

 

Dating isn't about making a sale, it's about finding someone who is RIGHT for you. Anyone who's not interested in sticking around for the kind of relationship you want and deserve isn't necessarily a villain, but he's not your match.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early.

 

Agree with catfeeder (as per usual), what's confusing though is since he doesn't want 'it' to turn into 'dating' because he is moving (or so he claims), why did he ever ask you out on a 'date' in the first place? And then take you out on three more 'dates' after that? Was there any physical intimacy (sex, kissing) on these 'dates' that he doesn't want to turn into 'dating' because he's moving?

 

No do not try to convince him a LDR is okay. Not only because of what catfeeder and others have said but also because he is full of s***, if he were into you, he'd have no problem 'dating' you, five hours is not far and he knows this. He knew it going in, otherwise he would not have asked you out on a 'date' in the first place, let alone take you out on three more dates.

 

Sorry he is just not into you. He may have been at first but after three dates he is not 'feeling it' as they say. The moving thing is his way of letting you down easy. Best to move on.

[ClaireDarling]

Yeah. I talked to him a bit last night. He's a great guy, but he's not very...open. Emotion isn't his thing. Smarts aren't his thing, he's very smart as far as some things go.

 

But, he's just not exactly what I thought he was.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he sees an end to this when he leaves. Best to start letting go.

he said he doesn't see it turning into dating because he is moving in about a month and a half or so.

[chitown9]

I see this as a matter of "be careful of what you wish for." I think if you really got to know him, you would not like him so much. This guy clearly has a drinking problem. I can guarantee you that it would be an issue with you down the line. chi

[ClaireDarling]

I did like him. We actually had a lot in common. He felt like he was boring, but I liked the simplicity.

 

I genuinely felt like things were fine, but I kind of messed things up by assuming on the days he wasn't talking much. He was on the go a lot and I assumed he wasn't talking because he didn't want to. Which he might have anyway.

 

Anyway, we talked about yesterday and turns out his last relationship was long distance and he said it was bad from day one. Plus this is the ex he had that was quite obsessive and crazy, so I can see why he doesn't want to. And he mentioned that they'd known each other a long time before that, so that makes sense as well.

 

I'm not putting it all on the fact that he had a bad LDR, because a portion, if not all of it, probably has to do with just feelings not matching up. I just don't know why he would insist on liking me if he doesn't. He also mentioned that if it weren't for moving, he could see it turning into dating down the road.

 

Oh well. I guess we can't always get what we want.

[chitown9]

I guess we can't always get what we want.

 

Like I said, "Be careful of what you wish for." You are totally overlooking his drinking problem. chi