Accepting my responsibility

[Dominique]

I am so glad you posted this. Ur insights are really positive.

 

I realize that because I used to be very against serious relationships and falling in love... I have no balance. I don't fall in love easily. But when I do, I am very long suffering. I try too hard once I know things are not right, all in the name of showing my person real love and true supprt.

 

Nothing wrong with trying but when someone doesn't give me the effort in return, I need to let go. Let go!

 

I stayed with my husband when he wasn't working on his issues. If he was actively working on them, my support would have been justified. But he wasn't. All he did was blame me and make excuses. I could have left him 7 years ago. I knew then he was insincere.

[Annia]

Today I did something kind of petty and very immature. I saw a picture of him with her (in a trip he told me when we used to talk that he would be going with a friend... granted he was with the friend too but...). I was taking the NC mature root but seeing that hurt me and I just deleted him from my social media. We said we would talk when I was ready and that he'd talk to me before I went away to my new country. But I just felt like he was a ghost there and just felt like deleting him totally from my life. He's great and I'd really love to be his friend in the future and now this is probably irreversible and maybe I'll regret later... but seeing that just made me cry and I simply needed him out more than the "unfollow" and "turn off chat". I was going so well and improving so much but today I just cried and cried and cried. I feel like a teenager now lol

[Annia]

Let me just add that I didn't even want to provoque a reaction in him. I'm sure he won't notice I deleted him or anything. I even hope that he doesn't notice or talks to me at this point. I feel petty and that I destroyed any chances of a future friendship and I hope not to see him through our common friends, though I miss him. Does this even make sense?

[catfeeder]

I'm sure he won't notice I deleted him or anything. [...] I feel petty and that I destroyed any chances of a future friendship ...

 

The word 'destroy' is such a dramatic, overkill word to assign to cutting one social media account. At the same time you believe he probably won't notice. So then, what's so destructive, exactly?

 

Be careful about overdramatizing. As you've noticed, it sets you back, and for no reason beyond an outcome you've assigned to an action when you're feeling lousy--which likely isn't even accurate.

 

Skip that. Anybody who's been through a breakup can relate to a need to shut out reminders of that person, and if the guy holds any kind of friendship value in the future, he's not going to fault you for cutting him out of an account.

 

It's social media. You didn't 'destroy' anything.

 

Head high.

[jennylove]

Step 1: recognizing any of your shortcomings. Check.

Step 2: learning and growing from past mistakes. Check

Step 3: recognizing red flags in future partners. Check.

 

You are on the right track, momma. I think you should take the solo trip & stay at hostels, take public transportation, talk to strangers, get comfortable being with yourself, not to mention the awesome memories and stories you'll be able to tell. And please join the private FB group "Solo women travelers" and post ANY questions, fears, anxiety over there for excellent support and advice from thousands of women of all ages.

[Annia]

Update:

 

He noticed and came to talk to me. We were talking for some hours (it's very late here) and he told me lots of things and apologized for making me feel bad and for acting the way he did and hurting me (even though I know he did the best for him). He also told me that he felt bad but he respected my decision of deleting him and he totally respected what I was doing and understood what I was feeling and told me that he thinks if it was him he probably wouldn't have handled it so good. He told me thought a thousand times before talking to me but decided to so because he wanted to know if I was angry at him and that he thought a thousand times before posting the picture because he was afraid of hurting me if I saw it.

 

Then he went on all over again about how special I am, how he values me and how he really wants to be my friend in the future when I'm ready but he understands that everything is still very fresh. He also once again explained to me why he did things like he did and admitted to have been selfish and that he thinks that he could have done better. He said that he admired the way I handled all this and that he wishes he had never hurt me. Some things made me feel better but then as I told him it didn't feel right for him to try to "appease" me and tell me how much special and unforgetable to him all this that we had was like it was some consolation prize. He thanked me a lot for having been in his life.

 

I'm not used for someone who makes me feel hurt and moves on for someone else to have the consideration for me to try to explain things and make me feel better.

 

I was also brutally honest with him. I told him exactly how I felt, why I deleted him and reenforced that I can't be his friend for now and that I need to heal and move on without knowing what he's up to.

 

Somehow I think this breaking of no contact kind of helped me to move on. It hurts but I think I'm starting to let go for real. I think I've shed gallons of tears but it was cathartic lol

 

Needless to say that I'll engage in full non contact from now on.

[Annia]

The word 'destroy' is such a dramatic, overkill word to assign to cutting one social media account. At the same time you believe he probably won't notice. So then, what's so destructive, exactly?

 

Be careful about overdramatizing. As you've noticed, it sets you back, and for no reason beyond an outcome you've assigned to an action when you're feeling lousy--which likely isn't even accurate.

 

Skip that. Anybody who's been through a breakup can relate to a need to shut out reminders of that person, and if the guy holds any kind of friendship value in the future, he's not going to fault you for cutting him out of an account.

 

It's social media. You didn't 'destroy' anything.

 

Head high.

 

Step 1: recognizing any of your shortcomings. Check.

Step 2: learning and growing from past mistakes. Check

Step 3: recognizing red flags in future partners. Check.

 

You are on the right track, momma. I think you should take the solo trip & stay at hostels, take public transportation, talk to strangers, get comfortable being with yourself, not to mention the awesome memories and stories you'll be able to tell. And please join the private FB group "Solo women travelers" and post ANY questions, fears, anxiety over there for excellent support and advice from thousands of women of all ages.

 

Thank you very much for your kind words. I never thought that a forum with so many kind strangers could help me so much dealing with my issues.

 

My next step is really letting go of what I thought we could have had and of what I wanted us to have. Is accepting the reality and letting go. I hope I can break my abandonment issues pattern with this one.

[Annia]

Woke up after not much sleep feeling like "sh*t", but somehow I feel better. I think that now without his ghost over my head and without a chance to see his new life, it'll be much easier for me to move on. Also having told him everything I felt, why I was hurt and what I thought about all this, helped. I don't care if I looked like an idiot actually... I really needed to let it all out I suppose and he gave me that chance. I miss him a lot but I don't want to get back to him.

[catfeeder]

I hope I can break my abandonment issues pattern with this one.

 

You can, and I'd start with addressing your 4/28 post about the bullying. You ended it with this:

 

I act like I'm undesirable and I attach more than I should just because I feel or want to feel wanted. I never really consciously realized I had this pattern until later on. I always acted like the young girl I was when it happened, though I had grown up and become more attractive inside and out. But the insecurities were always there.

 

Knowing this will make it easier so that I don't attach so much to people for reasons related to my insecurities. As I said, using people like band aids for my insecurities isn't fair to anyone.

 

That's great work. Next step would be to challenge your assumption that your insecurities are a fixed, inert 'thing' that you must carry like a weight into your future. You're aware of what caused this and how you misuse it to interpret your relationships as lifelines out of the discomfort, and you want to change this. So your next step is to learn how to comfort yourself.

 

Self soothing is a skill, and mastering it will free you from a perceived need to seek that comfort from someone else. Consider adopting an exercise where you create a mental division between two parts of yourself: the adult you are today, and the child who suffered the bullying.

 

This allows you to review your past through a new lens that brings all the powers and skills you've developed ever since into the picture as you comfort your child-self in ways that would have been valuable if someone had stepped in to offer them back then.

 

This is how we change our past influences. We stop reliving those through a fixed lens that only continues to reproduce and reinforce the same impacts. Instead, we use our adult lens to show our younger selves how to reinterpret the experiences in ways that serve us. We not only rewrite our own walks through history, we are able to 'see' the strides we've made since then, and we anchor those into our past stories in order to add value to how our brain processes them today.

 

You can apply this to anything you regret or fear from your past. Use your adult vision to speak through that lens to the parts of yourself that you still carry with you. So instead of reverting into someone who allows earlier interpretations to drive your current and future behaviors, you're introducing insight, compassion, encouragement and forgiveness to the past parts of yourself that didn't know then what you know now.

 

While a therapist is useful as a sounding board for this practice, you can do it on your own at any time, and with any memory. Teach your child self what nurturing feels like, and you will change that child's influence over your present and future--and you will make yourself proud.

[Annia]

You can, and I'd start with addressing your 4/28 post about the bullying. You ended it with this:

 

 

 

That's great work. Next step would be to challenge your assumption that your insecurities are a fixed, inert 'thing' that you must carry like a weight into your future. You're aware of what caused this and how you misuse it to interpret your relationships as lifelines out of the discomfort, and you want to change this. So your next step is to learn how to comfort yourself.

 

Self soothing is a skill, and mastering it will free you from a perceived need to seek that comfort from someone else. Consider adopting an exercise where you create a mental division between two parts of yourself: the adult you are today, and the child who suffered the bullying.

 

This allows you to review your past through a new lens that brings all the powers and skills you've developed ever since into the picture as you comfort your child-self in ways that would have been valuable if someone had stepped in to offer them back then.

 

This is how we change our past influences. We stop reliving those through a fixed lens that only continues to reproduce and reinforce the same impacts. Instead, we use our adult lens to show our younger selves how to reinterpret the experiences in ways that serve us. We not only rewrite our own walks through history, we are able to 'see' the strides we've made since then, and we anchor those into our past stories in order to add value to how our brain processes them today.

 

You can apply this to anything you regret or fear from your past. Use your adult vision to speak through that lens to the parts of yourself that you still carry with you. So instead of reverting into someone who allows earlier interpretations to drive your current and future behaviors, you're introducing insight, compassion, encouragement and forgiveness to the past parts of yourself that didn't know then what you know now.

 

While a therapist is useful as a sounding board for this practice, you can do it on your own at any time, and with any memory. Teach your child self what nurturing feels like, and you will change that child's influence over your present and future--and you will make yourself proud.

 

Thank you so much, this really helped me.

 

I kind of intuitively know that I have something special and valuable within me, even though I don't know exactly what it is. Sometimes people tell me that but I don't believe them because I've lived glued to wrong beliefs of self loath for such a long time. But as you say I'm starting to take the steps to fix my issues and realize that I'm not faulty nor are my bad beliefs something eternal and not fixable.

 

I rarely read self help books, I don't usually buy into it, but I heard this one was very good: "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life".

 

I just bought it on amazon and I hope it can shed some light. Does anyone know about the book? If so, what do you think of it?

 

I'm also thinking about taking meditation seriously. I know there's a group where I live where they meet every week in gardens and such. I think I'll join them. Anyone heard of Chan meditation? I tried the other day at an event that was organized here. Lets just say it was a painful and violent meditation, but I felt something I never felt before... I felt exhausted but "cleaned" after it.

 

I had to stop gym for a while because I have a back problem. Actually that's another thing that has been stressing me out among other things. I feel a weird pain in my back and numbness and tingling on my legs. I've been very nervous and have an appointment scheduled with a neurologist. Lets just say that I've been also very dramatic about my health. I need to calm down the hell up, that's why I'm considering meditation very seriously since I don't want to take anxiolytics and sleeping pills.

 

Once again thank you so much for your support. Catfeeder I don't know you but I can see that you are an amazing person full of insight and wisdom.

[Annia]

I still think I should get therapy, but the fact that I'm leaving my country in some months makes me think if I should start therapy here or in the new country... assuming I can find a therapist with whom I can speak in English since I doubt anyone there speaks my language and I can't talk about my feelings in the language of that country lol

[catfeeder]

I still think I should get therapy, but the fact that I'm leaving my country in some months makes me think if I should start therapy here or in the new country... assuming I can find a therapist with whom I can speak in English since I doubt anyone there speaks my language and I can't talk about my feelings in the language of that country lol

 

Yes. If you can find a therapist, I'd do it. It makes no sense to delay the work in order to find someone 'fixed' (and there's that word again) when you're going through the grief of a breakup NOW. The sooner you start your work, the better. You can take your progress onto another therapist, or the one you find might work with you over the phone after you move--or you might find yourself healed and progressed enough to table therapy after your move.

 

I'd make the effort to seek an English speaking therapist who can start work with you quickly. If those elements don't fall into place, then you can delay such work knowing that you gave the attempt your best shot. Otherwise, you'll never know what you could have gained by avoiding a delay.

[Annia]

Yes. If you can find a therapist, I'd do it. It makes no sense to delay the work in order to find someone 'fixed' (and there's that word again) when you're going through the grief of a breakup NOW. The sooner you start your work, the better. You can take your progress onto another therapist, or the one you find might work with you over the phone after you move--or you might find yourself healed and progressed enough to table therapy after your move.

 

I'd make the effort to seek an English speaking therapist who can start work with you quickly. If those elements don't fall into place, then you can delay such work knowing that you gave the attempt your best shot. Otherwise, you'll never know what you could have gained by avoiding a delay.

 

You're right. I think I'll look for one at my country while I'm still at it. And then if I still need I'll find another one that speaks English in the other country. I feel a little better but I still have lots of issues to work on.

[catfeeder]

You're right. I think I'll look for one at my country while I'm still at it. And then if I still need I'll find another one that speaks English in the other country. I feel a little better but I still have lots of issues to work on.

 

Start with the walk through your history with your adult lens as suggested above. Don't skip over that. Your 'child' self is running the show right now, so teach that child some nurturing and change your past 'story' with empowering suggestions that 'forgive' the child for doing the best she could. Teach her how valuable she is regardless of that, and show her new ways to cope that you will want 'her' to adopt as you grow into your future.

 

I can't stress enough the power of this exercise. Changing your fixed views of your history moves the first brick in the wall, and you'll thank yourself for how easily changes start to come about after that. If you need help with this, we're here.

[Annia]

Start with the walk through your history with your adult lens as suggested above. Don't skip over that. Your 'child' self is running the show right now, so teach that child some nurturing and change your past 'story' with empowering suggestions that 'forgive' the child for doing the best she could. Teach her how valuable she is regardless of that, and show her new ways to cope that you will want 'her' to adopt as you grow into your future.

 

I can't stress enough the power of this exercise. Changing your fixed views of your history moves the first brick in the wall, and you'll thank yourself for how easily changes start to come about after that. If you need help with this, we're here.

 

Thanks a lot, I've never done that.

 

Do you suggest I imagine myself as a child in front of me and what I would tell them now? Or is there another better way of doing this exercise?

[catfeeder]

Thanks a lot, I've never done that.

 

Do you suggest I imagine myself as a child in front of me and what I would tell them now? Or is there another better way of doing this exercise?

 

You don't need to invent any visuals unless those spring to mind naturally. The idea is to change the narrative of your memories. You walked through them in your earlier post as fixed in your memory in a certain way that has solidified over time. Each time you do that, you build a stronger mental construct that has served to keep you feeling lousy, and you assume that this 'must' be the only way to perceive those memories.

 

Consider instead observing them as a movie where your child self narrates for you her feelings and fears about them along with the ways she attempted to cope. Stop the movie at times to comfort the child and help her to cope in more sophisticated ways that were not available to her then. Raise assurances that would have helped you back then if you had known what you know today. Voice forgiveness to the child for her perceived failings and teach her why she couldn't have known how to navigate any better back then--but she can know it now, and she's permitted to adopt the coping skills you now own together.

 

You can also apply this to any issues you face today. When your 'child' self is the driver who reverts to ways of coping that don't serve you, teach her more effective ideas for coping that she can adopt.

 

This dialog between your child and adult selves can become an automatic habit. You'll more clearly see the ways your child drives your emotions and behaviors, even while your adult self knows how you could handle things better. You avoid getting swept away by the habits of the child, and over time your adult self takes the lead. Your child self becomes more cooperative as she comes to learn and trust the benefits of the alternatives you've offered.

 

Most of what your child self needs is nurturing. Well, who better to give her exactly what she needs, given that you're the one who understands her intimately? Allow her to teach you how she's been driving your life, and negotiate a transfer of power to your adult self over time. This is a form of 'loving yourself' that everyone talks about but nobody explains any techniques for doing (beyond taking a bubble bath or something. Hah!)

[Annia]

Thank you so much for your explanation. I'm starting this today!

 

I loved the "bubble bath" reference haha. It's true... people tell us to love ourselves, but then we never know exactly how to do it, especially those of us who don't know how to love ourselves due to that child self "dominance".

[Annia]

Catfeeder, I don't know what I could do to thank you...

 

I'm still at the beginning of the process but I feel that I had a major breakthrough just by trying what you said yesterday night. I need to keep doing this.

 

There were several things that suddenly hit me:

 

- Knowing where my wounds come from is useful but that's not enough if I don't heal them, if I don't change anything. Like you said I was treating my issues from the past like fixed things and I wasn't exactly doing anything specific to "change my narrative". I was identifying with them. I was accepting that I was still that child self at core and that my adult self didn't exist/didn't have power.

 

- I've always been in a battle of my child self against my adult self. My child self would react on emotions and pain in the unhealthy way I used to cope with this sort of thing, while my adult self new better in theory and hated myself because the adult self thought I shouldn't be acting like this, I should be doing better than I was and all that. However by doing what you told me I finally understood that the child self was taking charge and because it's hard to be angry, hate and not forgive a child, a suddenly forgave myself on many things and felt accepting myself more.

 

- By telling the child self how to cope with things in the past and telling her what I know now and forgiving her made me feel a huge sense of relief. When I realised my child self was taking over by me engaging on old toxic patterns of thought again, I suddenly knew my child self was taking charge and I mentally talked her through and told her to do different and it calmed me a lot.

 

I don't know if I did it right, but I feel that what you told me totally shifted my perspective and is helping me cope with all this.

[Annia]

I'm also exhausted with the fact that all my life was so much centered in relationships and men in general. Always trying to fill some kind of void, trying to be happy again in a relationship, giving myself to people that weren't right for me and trying to prove them something. Even mWhy didn't I develop myself more? I know it's not late to start this, it's just that I feel that I lost so much time and energy in things that actually didn't matter in the great scheme of things. I've been living paralised for so long. I can't keep living like this. I really need to get out of this cycle and take charge of my life.

[catfeeder]

suddenly forgave myself on many things and felt accepting myself more.

 

- By telling the child self how to cope with things in the past and telling her what I know now and forgiving her made me feel a huge sense of relief. When I realised my child self was taking over by me engaging on old toxic patterns of thought again, I suddenly knew my child self was taking charge and I mentally talked her through and told her to do different and it calmed me a lot.

 

I don't know if I did it right, but I feel that what you told me totally shifted my perspective and is helping me cope with all this.

 

Yep, you did it right. So glad you noted the forgiveness, because that's another key element that's commonly misunderstood. People assume that forgiveness is only useful when applied to someone who has harmed us. But that skips steps, because the first person we must learn how to forgive for faulty coping skills is The Self. From there, we can 'see' how everyone reaches for the only outlets for pain that we know at any given time.

 

So by learning to forgive yourself, you also learn how to extend forgiveness to others, including mean kids who held faulty beliefs about making someone else feel lousy because they were damaged enough to 'need' to feel superior. Your adult vision can apply forgiveness to not only your child self, but to all of the children involved in your past, because that heals YOU.

 

This adult/child exercise not only opens your awareness as you review your past, it fortifies self awareness as you move forward, AND it gives you a new and insightful lens into the behaviors of other people you'll encounter. You'll have xray vision into what drives others to say and do the things that will stand out to you as unhealthy, and while this will raise your compassion, it 'should' also prevent you from making faulty choices to continue engaging with those who are too damaged to become your equal partner in a healthy way.

 

That's one of the key ways we screen out bad matches in our love lives and friendships. We are no longer at the mercy of our our child drivers to choose people who are equally unconscious. This insight builds confidence in our control over our own future and aids mastery of smart decisions--provided that we don't adopt another unhealthy driver, a 'need' for our adult selves to play parental or therapeutic roles in others' lives to rehab them. That's toxic.

 

Our goal is to rehab ourselves and allow those who cannot offer us healthy and equal relationships to pass early. As we build a strong enough foundation in our own lives, we also fortify a need to surround ourselves with people who have already done enough of their own work to be good friends and good partners. Playing friendzies with exes beyond civility when we see them in public not only stagnates our own growth, it's not 'helpful' the them, either.

 

When we're kids in school, we're under peer pressure to engage with exes because we share the same classes, school grounds and social circles. As adults we learn healthier ways to 'decathect' from exes. Consider future scenarios where you both move onto new relationships, and this will teach you why keeping ties to an ex will sabotage your growth and keep you stuck in old, childish coping habits. Not to mention, most thinking people will not involve themselves in a new relationship with anyone who still has an ex in their picture--so holding onto an ex sabotages your ability to grow into a healthy enough partner for someone who is healthy.

[Annia]

You are so right about all you've said. This was indeed life changing. I think in time this will keep me "out of trouble" indeed.

 

As to being friends with exes, while I can't forgive and move on I can't be friends with them, it's too painful and masochist. Maybe in the future when what I feel for them becomes unconditional and if it wasn't a toxic relationship, I can be friends but I don't see that as an end goal or obligation... some people aren't meant to stay in our life anyway and it's good to accept it. I still talk to an ex of mine from time to time. I really became happy that he found and married the love of his life and I wish him well without pain and resentment at all. I love him, but not romantically. And he also cares for me.

 

That man was the only healthy relationship I had and he made me grow immensely and helped me become a better person. I also made the same for him. I realised that if my heart can feel this for him, then I can forgive and truly wish anyone well, even if I'm not friends with them. But here's the thing... and maybe that's the issue, he never made me feel rejected and he didn't break up with me or ignored me. I never felt replaced by him and I always knew we'd always have a special place on each other's heart. So maybe that's the issue here... because I have so much trouble with having the perception of being rejected and replaced, that I could only have an healthy attitude towards a man who didn't make me feel that. So is this really unconditional love?

 

I forgave people who hurt me a lot even though I'd never be their friends. But while I can't forgive and move on it just hurts so much.

[Annia]

Something weird also happened to me these last days. I feel this huge compassion for everyone that has ever hurt me. I realised that I've acted like a victim and I myself acted wrong (my child self taking charge) just because I felt victimized... like I felt entitled for validation and compensation because I couldn't bear to strip off my victim clothes. Every time I didn't respect people's choices, every time I persued them for answers, every time I felt entitled to an apologize or validation I was wearing victim clothes, I wasn't respecting them or myself either. I justified my self as "they did this... I'm acting like this because in the past (insert event that hurt me deeply)"...

 

My adult self wasn't taking charge, I wasn't accepting my responsibility and I was hiding myself behind my issues thinking that having awareness of them was enough. Because I was too afraid of breaking free from the victimhood mentality. That was my faulty way of coping. Because excusing myself with other people's behaviours was easier and that pain was more bearable and I was used to it, rather than facing the fear of being free, of thinking by myself, of accepting people's faults, of accepting mine, of being independent, of letting go of what no longer serves me, of staying alone rather than with people that are not good for me. I forgive myself, but I'm also tired of my excuses.

 

And maybe that's why I chose moving alone to this other country in such challenge conditions... because maybe I just want to finally get out of my comfort zone and start taking responsibility and charge of my life. Taking risks instead of hiding in the comfort of my usual and familiar pain.

[catfeeder]

I still talk to an ex of mine from time to time. I really became happy that he found and married the love of his life and I wish him well without pain and resentment at all. I love him, but not romantically. And he also cares for me.

 

Happiness and fond memories are enough to move on with. Contact is not great for his marriage or for any future partnership you'll wish to form. Some people are best loved from far away. Dropping from his radar leaves you both with an internal mind connection that doesn't require any further dealings beyond kindness if your paths cross in public.

 

So maybe that's the issue here... because I have so much trouble with having the perception of being rejected and replaced, that I could only have an healthy attitude towards a man who didn't make me feel that. So is this really unconditional love?

 

Given that most people are not our match, most relationships need to end somehow. We all need to play the villain, at some point, to 'decathect' (look this up) and free both parties from an unsustainable relationship. While some people have learned the skill of kindness when doing, less sophisticated people tend to act out to cause a rift. They adopt the role of 'bad guy,' and this serves its intended purpose, albeit unnecessarily overboard at times.

 

So consider your signature line and walk your talk. Consider carefully how injured you 'must' perceive yourself after any of these breakups. Hindsight is a wonderful tool. In most cases you can just say, "Well, he was a jerk, and things weren't going anywhere good, anyway..."

 

It's your choice to use charged words like 'rejection' or 'abandonment,' or not. Be careful how you admittedly cater to a victim role, and decide how well that serves you. If you cast yourself as injured and sad, you'll make that your reality--and then you'll wonder why the lousiness you've cemented won't lift.

 

I forgave people who hurt me a lot even though I'd never be their friends. But while I can't forgive and move on it just hurts so much.

 

You get to decide how wounded you want to be as you move forward. This decision does not invalidate your feelings at the time, but rather, you can make the choice to be strengthened by your experiences or weakened by them. You can minimize their impacts or amplify those. These choices will impact your resilience going forward. Choose wisely.

[Batya33]

I think all of this is great as long as you stay very specific on what it means to work on yourself because you believe that working on yourself requires not dating or looking for someone compatiblectovdate. I actually think hey can coexist and that people get too broad about what it means to work on oneself or to take care of oneself properly. I like how you have specific goals as to how to do that.

[Annia]

Thanks a lot catfeeder. You've done wonders for me here. You're truly an angel. May I ask if you have a therapist background or something? Is just that everything you say is so spot on.

 

You're right... it's also about the magnitude that we give to our experiences and how we perceive they affected us. We hold on to that narrative, even though as pass time by if we look back they weren't as tragic or dramatic as we perceived them to be at that time. So we get stagnated in time... we use their "bad guy role" as another layer of our "victim clothes". It's another way of holding on to the faulty narrative.

 

Maybe that's what happens when we identify so long with something... our ego doesn't want to dissociate from those narratives because it feels the loss of that identity like death. It probably thinks "without this identity what do I have left?"

 

I think that I spent my life amplifying my experiences because I was too afraid of losing my "victim mentality"... of not having an excuse to let my "child self" take the wheel. It doesn't mean that they weren't bad experiences or that my pain wasn't valid at that time, but my interpretation of them was far from reality and I was giving them too much meaning. Maybe it was a mechanism so that I didn't have to grow up and own up to my responsibility for my actions. I stagnated in growth and evolution due to live constantly on the realm of "excuses". It was safe so I kept myself stuck due to it.

 

No, I don't have a curse, bad luck nor everyone abandons me and replaces me, I just keep on recreating that narrative because I made it so ingrained in the identity I created to myself. It has been subconsciously my "safety blanket"... a painful "safety blanket", but nevertheless that...