Accepting my responsibility

[Annia]

I think all of this is great as long as you stay very specific on what it means to work on yourself because you believe that working on yourself requires not dating or looking for someone compatiblectovdate. I actually think hey can coexist and that people get too broad about what it means to work on oneself or to take care of oneself properly. I like how you have specific goals as to how to do that.

 

Maybe while I don't date I can work on myself. If I start doing the work now while I'm single it'll be easier not to put myself in situations that reenforce my narratives or needy tendencies and that will end up hurting me.

 

When I say that I need to take a break from dating and "chasing" relationships it's because my usual pattern would be to find a "replacement" to fill the void of feeling like this again... I don't want to keep on doing it. I want to sit on this discomfort and if I find someone while I'm still working on myself then fine... I shouldn't even stop working on myself if I enter a relationship. What I mean is that I want to stop "using" people to fill my void and go mindlessly from relationship to relationship as mechanism of avoiding being alone. I want to choose better and do better if I happen to meet someone again.

[Batya33]

Maybe while I don't date I can work on myself. If I start doing the work now while I'm single it'll be easier not to put myself in situations that reenforce my narratives or needy tendencies and that will end up hurting me.

 

When I say that I need to take a break from dating and "chasing" relationships it's because my usual pattern would be to find a "replacement" to fill the void of feeling like this again... I don't want to keep on doing it. I want to sit on this discomfort and if I find someone while I'm still working on myself then fine... I shouldn't even stop working on myself if I enter a relationship. What I mean is that I want to stop "using" people to fill my void and go mindlessly from relationship to relationship as mechanism of avoiding being alone. I want to choose better and do better if I happen to meet someone again.

 

You are single when you're going on dates. I applaud your self-awareness. I think you can be out there meeting people -men and women -and going on dates - and simultaneously being aware that those people are not there to fill a void. You'll recognize the warning signs I'm sure.

[Annia]

One of the recurring conversation with my child self has been to teach her to detach from her faulty perception that being in a (happy) relationship is everything. Trying to tell her that the interpretation that being loved means that you have value is not correct. That people who are happy in relationships don't have to necessary be happier than her, because it depends on what she does with her life and not with someone else. That being or not being with someone shouldn't paralyze our life. That betting everything on that and neglecting everything else is not the best course of action.

 

Anyway, I know that most people tell you to be hopeful that you'll find someone and be happy again and all that. But today I thought something different...

 

What if I had a way of knowing for sure that I will never love and/or be loved again? That I'll never be in a relationship again? That I'll never have the family and life I dreamed of? Would I prefer live the rest of my life in pain, crying for what I could have had, crying for being unlucky, crying for the broken expectation, wallowing at home in pain? Or try to live my life the best way possible trying to evolve and improve it in every other way non related to relationships? Of course I'd be sad, but then wouldn't be better to enjoy my friends more, travel more, learn more, evolve more, meet more people and live more so that I can have a fulfilled life in every other way besides that? I think he'd be wiser to pick the second one. We never know the future. People come and go and they don't owe us live up to our expectations, people move on and life goes on... the earth doesn't stop moving just because we don't get what we want. Life doesn't stop being beautiful and miraculous just because we didn't get something. Losses hurt and maybe they always will, but stagnating in pain is probably worse than readjusting our life to a new reality. And what's stronger than pushing through and not giving up despite the fear and pain?

[Batya33]

Of course we never know the future and it's fun to imagine otherwise. It circles back to your priorities, goals and standards and the risk-benefit balance. Of course life is beautiful without a relationship. Will that work for you as a mantra so you'll be content with being single to the extent that you are not interested in looking for a long term relationship or marriage? It is to strong to push through but not if it includes rationalizing away your dreams and goals IMO. No need to stagnate in pain. No need to give up a goal of a relationship unless you don't want that anymore.

[Annia]

Of course we never know the future and it's fun to imagine otherwise. It circles back to your priorities, goals and standards and the risk-benefit balance. Of course life is beautiful without a relationship. Will that work for you as a mantra so you'll be content with being single to the extent that you are not interested in looking for a long term relationship or marriage? It is to strong to push through but not if it includes rationalizing away your dreams and goals IMO. No need to stagnate in pain. No need to give up a goal of a relationship unless you don't want that anymore.

 

I don't want to give up on that, I think it's just a coping mechanism to help me get back on track and to improve my life in every other way I can. I'm trying to change some faulty beliefs of mine. I intellectually know that relationships are not everything, of course, but my belief system and actions for that matter have been a lot skewed.

[Batya33]

I don't want to give up on that, I think it's just a coping mechanism to help me get back on track and to improve my life in every other way I can. I'm trying to change some faulty beliefs of mine. I intellectually know that relationships are not everything, of course, but my belief system and actions for that matter have been a lot skewed.

 

Coping mechanisms are great - when they are not based on rationalization. I also use those as well as lots of self-talk, but short of rationalization. For me personally I found that the broad truisms - life goes on/earth keeps moving/we only have ourselves at the end are at most a short term bandaid. What helped me personally the most was accepting and acknowledging every day what my goals were, that my goals were ok, that it was ok not to be content with being single as a long term status (despite the technicality that of course we can't know the future, no guarantees, etc). That way you're not constantly battling what you deeply want. And that gives more energy to figure out how to advance your goals. What also helps me is reevaluating reality -so, in my life, I get a bit complacent about expectations about my schedule/routine and I have to remind myself that having a young child means nothing is predictable in that way just like that was true when I had my unpredictable, intense career and it was like having a young child at times. But there's a fine line between reevaluating reality and devaluing your goals by relying on broad generalizations about fate/what we can know, what life means. JMHO.

[Annia]

Coping mechanisms are great - when they are not based on rationalization. I also use those as well as lots of self-talk, but short of rationalization. For me personally I found that the broad truisms - life goes on/earth keeps moving/we only have ourselves at the end are at most a short term bandaid. What helped me personally the most was accepting and acknowledging every day what my goals were, that my goals were ok, that it was ok not to be content with being single as a long term status (despite the technicality that of course we can't know the future, no guarantees, etc). That way you're not constantly battling what you deeply want. And that gives more energy to figure out how to advance your goals. What also helps me is reevaluating reality -so, in my life, I get a bit complacent about expectations about my schedule/routine and I have to remind myself that having a young child means nothing is predictable in that way just like that was true when I had my unpredictable, intense career and it was like having a young child at times. But there's a fine line between reevaluating reality and devaluing your goals by relying on broad generalizations about fate/what we can know, what life means. JMHO.

 

I totally agree with you that it's ok to want what we want and that it is better to accept it rather than devaluing ourselves for wanting it. I just think that my way of wanting it and acting on it wasn't healthy and wasn't doing me any favours.

[Batya33]

I totally agree with you that it's ok to want what we want and that it is better to accept it rather than devaluing ourselves for wanting it. I just think that my way of wanting it and acting on it wasn't healthy and wasn't doing me any favours.

 

Yes and that is insightful and specific. I would stick to specifics which is harder than the broad "life is beautiful" but more worthwhile in the long run. I never ever felt like I was guaranteed a husband, a baby, either or both. That didn't stop me from acting on my goal of wanting both, every single day. My husband and I married at 42 -first marriage for both.

[Annia]

Yes and that is insightful and specific. I would stick to specifics which is harder than the broad "life is beautiful" but more worthwhile in the long run. I never ever felt like I was guaranteed a husband, a baby, either or both. That didn't stop me from acting on my goal of wanting both, every single day. My husband and I married at 42 -first marriage for both.

 

You're right. Wanting is one thing and it's ok, it was just the way I was letting it consume me that was holding me back. I'm glad to hear that things turned out great!

[Batya33]

You're right. Wanting is one thing and it's ok, it was just the way I was letting it consume me that was holding me back. I'm glad to hear that things turned out great!

 

Yes - consuming is counterproductive. I dated in a major city for 24 years on and off so things turned out well but I certainly paid my dues.