Need support and an answer.

[mandeelove]

My ex and I dated over 2 years ago..together for a year. Broken up now 1 year and 1 month. Since the initial breakup we stayed in touch a few months, then NC for 6 months, and now recently started to speak for a good 7 weeks now. He never had a new gf in this time but I did for a few months...never fell in love. It was kind of a rebound I can say that now.

 

When my ex contacted me 7 weeks ago I was very happy about it. I made the choice to answer him bcuz he came off very sweet and also like hes been thinking of me. It didnt seem fake. He was trying to make ammends bcuz we left off very badly 6 months prior. As things went on it went from every 5 days of texting to nearly everyday. He tected me first. We got along. I got excited inside. I realize Im not fully over him and I thought maybe we could rekindle. He was showing all those signs and even saying hes not saying "never". He was very caring and interested...Anyways I finally asked him direct whats going on here? He acted like it was nothing. Like he contacted me to be cordial !! Never had intentions to work it out. Im like huh? Number one we had gotten along and he even hung out with me praising me after. He even gave me sob stories how nothing worked out with women since me.

 

He said hes scared of the past. He feels it will always be a fear of his so he cant go out with me. He just wants to be friends and hes sorry but he loves me. He wants to stay cordial. This stumped me. Totally not the vibe i got.

 

My wounds are open like the first day of breakup. Im mad. Im sad. Im acting foolish. I regret answering his initial email. I feel like he led me to the bait and then left me there like I made it all up in my head. We still have contact but it hurts me. I dont act normal with him bcuz feelings run hot. Whats the best way to handle this? Its obv i cant be his friend . Should i block him? Verbally tell him goodbye? Im so lost. I also feel like losing him all over again will be painful. All progress I made went out the window.

 

Please tell me someone on this site has been through this ? Does it ever get better. Its over a year and Im still doing the same old mistakes.

[vesper]

Just distance yourself anyway you can, people rarely get back to a friendship or getting back together place after a break-up . Block him, purge him out of your life. Time will heal, It will get better.

[happysnappy]

I have an ex that resurfaces every 6 months or so for an ego boost. I really don't care since I'm happy with my life the way it is. It used to upset me. It doesn't any more. If it's upsetting you I'd block him

[Heart of gold]

I think you still love him and I think he still knows it.

Sorry you are feeling sad..just block him and you'll feel better after a while because u will have regained control of your own emotions.

I think he is either unsure about how he feels or wants an ego boost. I can't understand the logic behind coming back to an ex partner to 'be friends.'

Surely if an ex was friend material, they wouldn't have been a boyf or gf, but maybe that's just me!

You need to say to him Iv got enough friends thank you I don't have a need for anymore. Then block and delete.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like he got dumped and was backtracking through the black book fishing for a hookup.

I finally asked him direct whats going on here? He acted like it was nothing. Like he contacted me to be cordial !! Never had intentions to work it out. He even gave me sob stories how nothing worked out with women since me.

[mandeelove]

He dumped me and I didnt want it. But he kept coming back so I always let him in only to hear "Im not sure still". This time 6 months passed so I figured if hes coming back maybe it meant more than any other time which was usually within 2 days or something. But nope...same old I dont know yet nonsense and c Im too scared". All that while he continued to date around every night. He was signing on dating site every second.. hiw can u be clear about me if u have so many women you talk to? Its just a very hurtful situation in all ways and I find myself so weak. Like I cant just move on emotionally.

[Heart of gold]

He dumped me and I didnt want it. But he kept coming back so I always let him in only to hear "Im not sure still". This time 6 months passed so I figured if hes coming back maybe it meant more than any other time which was usually within 2 days or something. But nope...same old I dont know yet nonsense and c Im too scared". All that while he continued to date around every night. He was signing on dating site every second.. hiw can u be clear about me if u have so many women you talk to? Its just a very hurtful situation in all ways and I find myself so weak. Like I cant just move on emotionally.

It's hard but u will move on emotionally. Only when you cut him out of your life altogether though. U know how u feel about him and by the sounds of it, him being around is not doing you any good. He thinks he can swan in and out of your life whenever he feels like it but please don't let him.

SHOW him your self worth by going no contact and let him mess about with whoever he likes without having you as a fallback!

[mandeelove]

Thank you right now it seems like the hardest thing to do. Especially since I was moving on for 6 months and he came back. I will be telling him we cant be friends..but quietly its def gonna be hard with being NC. I have to get used to it all over again .

[mandeelove]

Another thing he does is when I do say we cant be friends etc he suddenly disappears from the text. We'll be talking fine and then I get into separating and hes gone. No final goodbye its so dumb. He says he dont want to try with me but final goodbyes sends him running.

[MissCanuck]

Just stop communicating with him. There's no need for a final goodbye. Just walk away and don't respond to him anymore. I agree with whomever wrote that he probably recently got dumped so he came sniffing around to see if his Back-Up Plan (i.e., you) would give him attention and validation. He didn't come back for the right reasons, so you need to extricate yourself from this situation.

[Heart of gold]

Another thing he does is when I do say we cant be friends etc he suddenly disappears from the text. We'll be talking fine and then I get into separating and hes gone. No final goodbye its so dumb. He says he dont want to try with me but final goodbyes sends him running.

 

It's not about sending him running, my ex used to do things like that, it's because they are so sure u won't let it go without getting a final word in so they leave you "hanging."

He thinks by doing that, you won't go anywhere because it hasn't officially ended. But just cut him off block him he's playing with your emotions. Trust me when I say no one could be more scared of going NC than me. Now i have and he hasn't made any effort to find me or get in touch but you know what, I feel empowered in a way too because he doesn't have that control that he usually has. Yes I still think about him and still get angry but at least I'm not running after him, trying to find out where he has disappeared to.

Moral of the story: go NC and u WILL feel better.

[mandeelove]

Just stop communicating with him. There's no need for a final goodbye. Just walk away and don't respond to him anymore. I agree with whomever wrote that he probably recently got dumped so he came sniffing around to see if his Back-Up Plan (i.e., you) would give him attention and validation. He didn't come back for the right reasons, so you need to extricate yourself from this situation.

I agree I think he came back for ego and no other girl was working out since me. But once he saw he had me he didnt want me. It was just an ego boost. Thanks I am going to not answer him ever again. No final goodbye.

[mandeelove]

It's not about sending him running, my ex used to do things like that, it's because they are so sure u won't let it go without getting a final word in so they leave you "hanging."

He thinks by doing that, you won't go anywhere because it hasn't officially ended. But just cut him off block him he's playing with your emotions. Trust me when I say no one could be more scared of going NC than me. Now i have and he hasn't made any effort to find me or get in touch but you know what, I feel empowered in a way too because he doesn't have that control that he usually has. Yes I still think about him and still get angry but at least I'm not running after him, trying to find out where he has disappeared to.

Moral of the story: go NC and u WILL feel better.

Thank you so much. I agree with what u said that not getting the final word makes him feel I'll still be there. Its a hanging thing. I can totally see him thinking that bcuz I am a final word type of girl .. he has me and he knows it. How long did it take u to start feeling better ? Thats true..even though its hard , atleast nc gives u back control. Im sure it will be very hard...I just have to be strong and prepare for it. Yesterday was the last time we spoke where he ran when I started talking about goodbyes and no friendship. Poof he was gone. So I blocked him and today is my first day actually doing nc. Like a previous poster said, this requires no goodbye. Plus I tried that a million times.

[Heart of gold]

Thank you so much. I agree with what u said that not getting the final word makes him feel I'll still be there. Its a hanging thing. I can totally see him thinking that bcuz I am a final word type of girl .. he has me and he knows it. How long did it take u to start feeling better ? Thats true..even though its hard , atleast nc gives u back control. Im sure it will be very hard...I just have to be strong and prepare for it. Yesterday was the last time we spoke where he ran when I started talking about goodbyes and no friendship. Poof he was gone. So I blocked him and today is my first day actually doing nc. Like a previous poster said, this requires no goodbye. Plus I tried that a million times.

 

I tried it loads aswell and each time, we'd get back together. Even when I broke NC and went to see him and explained why I didn't want to be with him or marry him, he refused to acknowledge anything I said. And on the phone kept saying il speak to you inabit.

They think we love them so much that we aren't going anywhere.

Today I am meeting a potentional(through family introduction) a week after NC with my ex. This guy came once when I was with my ex and at that time he said don't u meet him, I am going to marry u! Fast forward 6 months and I'm meeting him and all my feelings of sadness have taken over my heart.

Just be strong and be selfish and take each day as it comes. That's the best thing I can say to u.

They don't say goodbye because they know they've got someone who loves them and they don't want to let that go.

[mandeelove]

I tried it loads aswell and each time, we'd get back together. Even when I broke NC and went to see him and explained why I didn't want to be with him or marry him, he refused to acknowledge anything I said. And on the phone kept saying il speak to you inabit.

They think we love them so much that we aren't going anywhere.

Today I am meeting a potentional(through family introduction) a week after NC with my ex. This guy came once when I was with my ex and at that time he said don't u meet him, I am going to marry u! Fast forward 6 months and I'm meeting him and all my feelings of sadness have taken over my heart.

Just be strong and be selfish and take each day as it comes. That's the best thing I can say to u.

They don't say goodbye because they know they've got someone who loves them and they don't want to let that go.

Thank you and you are right. They see a good type of loving girl who isnt going anywhere ..but we need to change that . Im glad to see Im not the only one who has been through it. I feel so foolish for being at his beckon call..but I guess this is the process. One day a time like u said...I wish u luck with your potential guy you are going to meet. Funny u say that about your ex saying dont meet him....when i was seeing a guy and my ex found out, he was acting jealous about it... Texting me alot..playing head games. But when I was saying I would stop seeing the guy to get back with him , he was suddenly saying "I dont know" again. "I wasnt trying to get back with u...u misread my signals" These guys play games and we really have to worry about us!....like u said be selfish! I made a full 24 hours of nc and hes blocked. Lol such a small accomplishment but little by little... Its not easy. But I know its for the best.

[Heart of gold]

It's not a little accomplishment, it is a big one! Be proud honestly. You are breaking away from him and that is something you should be proud of.

And you've hit the nail on the head, it's not easy but it's for the best-my sentiments exactly. That's what will get you through it.

When you want to text him, think-

What will I achieve?

What do I want from it?

How will I feel when he doesn't respond or he does with his usual mind games?

Do I want to give him that reassurance and confidence back?

And then hopefully all feelings of wanting to get in touch with him will diminish.

Good luck and let me know how you are getting on.

[mandeelove]

It's not a little accomplishment, it is a big one! Be proud honestly. You are breaking away from him and that is something you should be proud of.

And you've hit the nail on the head, it's not easy but it's for the best-my sentiments exactly. That's what will get you through it.

When you want to text him, think-

What will I achieve?

What do I want from it?

How will I feel when he doesn't respond or he does with his usual mind games?

Do I want to give him that reassurance and confidence back?

And then hopefully all feelings of wanting to get in touch with him will diminish.

Good luck and let me know how you are getting on.

Thank you!! Stay strong and good luck too. I asked myself those questions you wrote. Thanks...I will use them anytime I may get weak or if he contacts me. Be proud of yourself also . Keep me posted on your situation. I def will with mine.

[Heart of gold]

Having a bad day today...busy but it's there in my head and the same feelings of anger and sadness inside me. How are you getting on?

[Batya33]

I had a similar thing happen to be about 25 years ago. He broke up with me after 2 years together, abruptly. A week later I come home to find him in my living room (I lived at home and my father let him in as he'd been waiting for hours). He told me he'd made a big mistake, he loved me, he saw marriage in the future. I was thrilled. The next day he called me half in tears that he was taking it back, he didn't want me. Two months later he contacted me again having learned of a big accomplishment I'd had. We hung out again and again he changed his mind. Two months later, we actually got back together. I called him I think. He wanted me back ,too. we dated almost another year seriously but it never felt the same for me - I felt a distance, and as he got more serious I had a sense that I'd feel alone if I married him. He proposed -huge surprise -and I declined. We didn't stay in touch and I saw him briefly at a party about 5 years later. 5 years after that he had moved and I was visiting his new city. I think we'd been in occasional touch on email. He wanted to meet for coffee. I was really curious. At that meeting he told me he was gay and seriously involved with a man. I never had any signs of this, ever -the opposite. He said he hadn't come out until after we broke up (we were in our 20s) and had never been unfaithful (totally believe him, that was never an issue for us). It explained tons about why all the back and forth and why he was so emotionally distant.

 

We are both now happily married and got married in the same year actually. Obviously my situation was unusual (!) but it shows you that often there's a good reason why you're not a match, why going back and forth isn't the best plan. And, ironically, I married a different ex -we got back together 8 years later - the huge difference is that our breakup was fairly amicable, we had no back and forth stuff as "baggage" and we'd really made big changes in our lives that made us a far better match 8 years later.

 

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

[mandeelove]

Having a bad day today...busy but it's there in my head and the same feelings of anger and sadness inside me. How are you getting on?

I am sorry to hear that. Ive been NC 4 days now. I stay busy but like you it pops up in my head. It immediately makes me upset so I try to think of somethinng else. I am looking forward to the day I dont think about it but def have a ways to go. How long have u been nc now?

[Heart of gold]

I broke it after a week and since then it has been 10 days.

[mandeelove]

I broke it after a week and since then it has been 10 days.

Very good!!!! Day 5 for me and he has stayed away from me too.