I didn't know we were broken up!

[Trammel]

I still have a lot of anger and confusion about this, so I have to share. About 2 years ago my long-term girlfriend and I broke up. We had a pretty strange situation. She has always been and always will be in the closet. And she has kids (who I still see almost every day, I'm a big part of their lives and I won't change that), but even the kids never knew we were in a relationship. I never lived with her, I had my own apartment 5 minutes away and spent a lot of time with her and the kids. But we never had much time alone and we couldn't show affection to each other when the kids were around.

 

So, around 2 years ago some issues that had always been problems (on both sides, I'm not blaming her), really came to a head all together and we had a fight. I felt completely misunderstood and like she was expecting too much of me, and she felt physically rejected by me (that was one of our ongoing problems), so after that fight, I kept spending the same amount of time with her and the kids, kept saying I love you and all, but she told me she needed time. Then, a little while after that conversation I told her that she wasn't even holding my hand, and she said that I had "killed" her desire for me, any desire to touch me (even holding hands). (Keep in mind this was a whispered conversation in her bathroom so that the kids wouldn't hear us.)

 

For the next few months I thought I was giving her time. I knew I had been unhappy for a while, but I thought that she would tell me when we could "try again?" or something like that. To make a long story short, it got to the point where nobody had even hugged me for months, and I was horribly depressed and realized that I couldn't go on like that (and had also realized before that the situation with her wasnt enough for me anymore, I needed something different), and I got the guts to have what I thought was a break-up conversation with her.

 

We had that conversation and at first I thought that was when our breakup happened. I couldn't eat or sleep for a few weeks, it was a really serious relationship and I really loved her. But a few weeks later, I don't remember how, but she told me that in her mind we broke up when we had that third conversation.

We are "friends" now and it wasn't an angry breakup and we've been able to talk about a lot of things since then. I am in a new relationship and I am very happy. With all the confusion though, it took me a long time to set healthy boundaries with her after I realized we were broken up.

 

The main anger I still have at her is about this issue. I've since talked her to about it and I pointed out that during that time (when she considered us already broken up) I was still telling her I love you and writing it in messages, and I didn't change the amount of time I spent with her and the kids. She just said "well, I didn't say it back". That makes no sense to me. It makes no sense how she could think I understood that she had broken up with me.

 

And we're also very different emotionally. She can hold in her emotions (I never saw her cry about the breakup, she said she would hold it in and cry at night when nobody could see her). I am unable to do that. When I'm upset the whole world knows  But that's another reason I didn't understand what was happening. I had told her many times in the past that she needed to be clearer about how she felt about things, because I couldn't "read" her. Not that she's cold in any way, just very different from me.

 

I guess I just need other people to confirm that I was not crazy not to understand that we were broken up. And I told her at some point that she should have had a real conversation with me if she wanted to break up, not just a whispered conversation in a bathroom. She said that our whole relationship was whispered conversations and that just made me really sad. I don't want to make her come out, but I feel I deserved at least a real conversation.

 

I'm just posting here hoping it will help getting over these feelings.

[yatsue]

To answer your question, she was not clear you two were broken up and, while strained, continued to have a relationship (spending time together, not stating how your ILY comments were unwanted). Basically she strung you along for emotional support.

 

If you are in a relationship with someone else, why? It is cruel to still have these feelings that show you aren't over your ex and date another.

[Wiseman2]

This sounds like the main problem. But it's her problem.

She has always been and always will be in the closet.

[DancingFool]

By your own admission you two are extremely emotionally different.....and therefore completely incompatible all the way down to communication and how. That doesn't make either one of you bad or wrong about what happened or how you feel. However, it is important that you don't try to bend her to your will and instead, accept that due to your extreme differences, miscommunication happened and it's all done and in the past now. Forgive, forget, and let it go. She didn't do anything to you intentionally or with some kind of ill will. Continuing at it isn't good or healthy for you. Accept it for what it is - miscommunication and let it go. It happens.

[Trammel]

I am over her. I was talking about when I thought we were still together, that's when I kept saying I love you. The breakup was over 2 years ago now and I'm not in love with her anymore. I just have some remaining anger about this.

[Trammel]

Thanks. I know she didn't do it on purpose. I'm trying to forgive and forget, I just needed to vent about this I think, to help me let it go.