Best friend feels hopelessly single and wonders why she keeps going.

[Rusty60]

My best friend and I are 37 years of age and in slightly different places in life. I am increasingly worried about her and for at least a couple of years now, have been at a loss as to how to help her. Her problems are beyond my capabilities and it may be up to her to seek help or otherwise make changes.

 

She had planned her life's milestones as a young adult and of course, you can't really plan life--to some extent it has to just happen on its own time. At 37, she has gone well past the age at which she expected to be married with children and is finding it very difficult to find a significant other. She has all of the material trappings of a successful life but feels that the lack of a significant other strongly reflects on her worth and character. Outwardly, she has done all of the right things to help her case: getting active in local politics, participating in hobbies and interests that get her out among other people, taking classes after work, and going to block parties that sound like a good time. None of it has yielded any single men, though. She has expended considerable energy over the years dating and pursuing men but they turn out to be uninterested or they keep her in the friend zone indefinitely. She has developed a complex in which she is convinced that she is inherently unlovable in a romantic way by heterosexual men.

 

I wonder if experiences in her background may be somehow affecting her love life, in addition to her considerable self-consciousness over her physical appearance. Sometimes I wonder if any of her behaviors or interactions are proving self-defeating but I don't know because I live on the other side of the country and don't get to witness them. In our early twenties, she appeared quite confident with men and well-liked by them and I don't know if that was just an act or if something changed over time. (We have not lived near each other since we were in our mid-twenties.) What is especially worrisome about this is that she increasingly feels that her life is meaningless and expresses doubts about why she continues on each day. She insists that she wouldn't commit suicide but I'm now wondering if I should be encouraging her to seek professional help. She does not want professional help because she's been through it before and didn't find it useful. Compounding the situation is that she reports that friends have become more distant in the last year or so as they bear children or find significant others, making her feel still more alone. I used to find it easy to blame the ways of the universe or the perceived shallowness of men for her problems but have since seen enough successful couples of all shapes and sizes to think that there surely must be someone out there for her and wonder if there's just one little thing she needs to do differently to change the situation. I don't know and my rambling post reflects my befuddlement.

 

Has anyone been through this, either as the unhappy singleton or the friend who wants to help?

[LostNtheDark]

While I am about ten years younger, I am experiencing exactly what your friend is going through and I am the unhappy singleton desperately searching for a husband and to start a family. To give you her perspective, each failed romance and each time she goes out and fails to find the right guy may be triggering all the insecurities and failures of the past. I know as time has gone on I got worse because I felt more and more hopeless with each failure. I suffer from PTSD so my case may be extreme, but I notice when something reminds me of a past event or the fact that I'm single and have such a hard time finding someone, I just lose it. It's a very emotional, painful battle. Over time I've become worse and worse too as my options have dwindled and my trust has depleted (from guys who were not sincere and lead me on). Each failure makes me feel less likely to reach that goal and the more I see my friends moving on and finding love, the more I just want to retreat and disappear from everything too. It becomes an embarrassment when you want something like that so bad and can't make it happen. You don't feel like you fit in anymore with your own friends and family because it's hard to relate and when you hear their stories of their success/family, it's a painful reminder you aren't there and can't get there.

 

This post was really important for me to find as I feel in the last few months, I too have been pushing all of my friends away. I'm glad I can understand the other perspective. I have a feeling a close friend of mine who has seen my trial and tribulations since I was a teenager feels very similarly to you. I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to listen and be there the best you can. Unfortunately you can't do much more and she will have to do her best to seek out support and help for herself. I know when my friends disappear with me while I'm in despair, I feel like I have absolutely nobody, especially since I don't have my own family to fall back on. And yes, i too was like your friend where I was confident and had a lot of men interested, but when you start realizing they are interested for all the wrong reasons, it ruins your belief that anyone will ever want anything real. My advice to you though is to watch her behavior and makes sure if she is spiraling out of control (reckless behavior, distancing herself from you, etc) that you do encourage her to get therapy or seek further help.

 

Above all though, I think you need to know that there's not much you can do for a person in this situation other than be a friend and listen. Sometimes offering advice makes me feel like someone is downplaying my pain and emotions, so be weary of that. Best of luck. I know I'm not easy and it does hurt to realize my friends (especially the one I mentioned earlier) are feeling the same as you. Unfortunately I've pushed a lot of my friends away as a result and that makes the pain hurt even worse. Best of luck to you and your friend. You sound like a wonderful friend and I hope she appreciates you.

[j.man]

Not to sound too cold, but if she's 37, living an all around social life, putting herself out there, even pursuing on occasion, it sounds like in some way or another, she's the common denominator.

 

It really could be a myriad of things. Her insecurities coming through, her pursuing or only being willing to entertain men who are out of her league, having a more standoffish demeanor, etc. Is she overweight? Does she take care of herself? Or, who knows, maybe she just is that unlucky. No way to really know. Not really your place or benefit to help navigate it, especially if she's not open to honest critique. Listening is fine and well, but before long, it'll get toxic just soaking up her woes of singlehood.

 

If she's truly worried about being single forever, she may want to seek professional help, whether through therapy to become happy while single and likewise attract healthy and happy guys, or some kind of relationship coach who can serve as a third party to help with appearance, demeanor, expectations, whatever.

[nutbrownhare]

Unfortunately - and this really is one of life's great ironies - people who are really desperate to have a partner exude a vibe which other people will pick up, and it's very, very offputting.

 

Sometimes they'll come over as desperate and over-anxious to please - which is very scary because others will sense the unconscious manipulation behind it - or sometimes they get cynical. A friend of mine once described a mutual acquaintance as having a demeanour which said "All men are b******s. Why haven't I got one?" Despite being very physically attractive, intelligent, funny and glamorous, she's been single for 15 years.

 

She has developed a complex in which she is convinced that she is inherently unlovable in a romantic way by heterosexual men.

This is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy for reasons I've shared above. Going into therapy would be a good start, to boost her self esteem and stop regarding her activities as a means of yielding a relationship.

[DancingFool]

Would she consider working with a life coach rather than therapy. Basically someone who would actively navigate the issues of social/romantic interactions with her and help her change whatever off putting behaviors or demeanor she has. Literally coach her through things. As someone else pointed out, given all she is doing, she is the common denominator in her woes. It's not that she is unlovable - there is no such thing. It's most likely that there is somewhere a disconnect in her behavior when it comes to romance. Something akin to stage fright where a person can sing perfectly off stage, but the moment they are on stage and it "matters" they choke. It's possible something similar is going on with your friend - she is putting so much pressure on herself that likely her behavior when it "matters" goes all weird and of course men will walk away from that.

[Wiseman2]

She sounds quite draining and it would be best to distance yourself. Only entertain it briefly, change the subject and do not offer advice since it will be rejected.

 

People who want to help themselves do. People who want to be a victim, complain, etc for attention and sympathy do that instead.

 

She has the ways and means to afford physical and mental healthcare as well as work on her appearance by getting in shape, new clothes, hairstyle, whatever.

 

She also can afford to get a profile up on dating apps and start dating men this way. It sounds like her whiny, desperate, maudlin personality is turning off men even more so than whatever perceived appearance issues.

She has all of the material trappings of a successful life but feels that the lack of a significant other strongly reflects on her worth and character. considerable self-consciousness over her physical appearance.

[Matt3939]

I'm even older and male. Found myself single a year ago. Sometimes it's just life. Things happen out of your control. I'd say if she's 37 and never been in a long term relationship of some kind she might want to look at herself. If she has hay people get divorced/breakup everyday.

[tattoobunnie]

Have her take - I'm not kidding either. It will get down to the root of what's blocking her, and why she is choosing partners, how to communicate. A lot of fortune 500 send key personnel to it. I took it 10 years ago along, had my managers and family take it (not together), it's a life change that stays with you. Sorty, not trying to sound so pitchy - I don't get anything for promoting them. But if she wants love, this course will get down and dirty to the nitty gritty of what's going on.

[Batya33]

I had a friend who took the Landmark Forum and others who did the EST precursor. I think it works for some and for others it sounds/seems cult-like which counterbalances the positive impact.

 

I too would want to know if she's overweight.

 

Also the "distance" from married friends/parents - often that is also due to the single person making certain assumptions and/or not being able to go with the flow with changed schedules. I didn't start dating my husband until I was 39. I had many single years and many of those years watching friends "moving on". Some were smug married (annoying!) but since I was flexible about getting together the marital status most often didn't change anything. When I became a married mom at 42 here is what I found with certain friends (not all were single but most in this example were)

 

One dropped me immediately after I had the baby even though right before we had lunch and she sent me her info on her cleaning lady, offered to come over and help with anything I might need -and then, post-birth I reached out to her 3 times to invite her to a baby-related ceremony (not one where presents are given!) and -nada.

One flaked on me more than once about getting together even though I made it very clear that I had limited time to meet because of my infant's schedule - I juggled/raced to get ready and didn't appreciate the flaking. I left it to her to offer the next plan. Never happened.

One was inflexible about us not being able to get an appropriate babysitter. She wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and wanted us both there. I offered for us to take turns going to the nearby restaurant, to have them at our house for dessert after our son went to sleep, etc. As it turned out, baby was sick so we had to reschedule. She wouldn't reschedule.

 

One friend refused to get up early morning to meet up during my short trip to her town, and refused to meet for lunch or to travel 30 minutes to where I was staying, then blamed me for not trying hard enough to get together.

 

But the vast majority of people got that my schedule had completely changed and stayed in touch in various ways -meeting up or phone calls, etc. And if your friend is single she has to meet people halfway - certainly don't put up with people who expect you to cater to and accommodate 100% of the schedule change but if the plan used to be Saturday night drinks or theater it might now be a Sunday morning brunch or walk.

 

Having married friends is really important - in general and also because they might know a single guy and there's no "competition". I was set up a number of times by married friends.

[ladyinblack]

I have a friend with similar feelings like yours.. We're having a small close group, since junior high, 6 of us, and she is the only one who haven't married yet..

 

When I was engaged, she began getting more anxious because she didn't have solid boyfriend back then.. Then she started online dating, on and off with some people maybe every 3 months.. She became more upset and we (me and my other friends) always trying to cheer her up.

She is an aunt now, for a child from her big sister, and she still work at big company. So I guess it quite helped. We meet up when we have time and regularly chat on group chat.

 

So @rusty60 maybe your friend need that kind of support, from her family and close friends..

 

Oh ya, we are 10 years younger than you are. This happens to many woman.

[mustlovedogs]

The overweight comments kind of bother me. So bigger people can't find love?

 

If her friend does turn out to be overweight, does that immediately mean that is solely her issue and not any personality issues?

[nutbrownhare]

The overweight comments kind of bother me. So bigger people can't find love?

 

Yes - if she can't find love, it's highly unlikely to be because of her weight. I have friends who are hugely overweight but have no problems finding new partners and keeping them long term - but they're coming from a place of good self-esteem and self acceptance.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes - if she can't find love, it's highly unlikely to be because of her weight. I have friends who are hugely overweight but have no problems finding new partners and keeping them long term - but they're coming from a place of good self-esteem and self acceptance.

 

Oh I agree! But I feel like society just jumps to conclusion that's the worst thing someone can be when searching for love.

 

I would imagine your friend's insecurities are coming across more than she expects. She needs to have a fulfilling life - which it sounds like she does. Having more close friendships may heal some of the potential loneliness she feels, and filling the rest of her time with things she likes doing will help.

 

Also, FWIW, being active in politics does not find partners I don't think.

[nutbrownhare]

Also, FWIW, being active in politics does not find partners I don't think.

 

Gross generalisation I know, but many people who are active in politics do so because they want to change the world rather than look inside at their own emotional problems...

[Rusty60]

To LostNtheDark: Thanks for your perspective. I'm sorry to hear how much it permeates a person's being--not that I haven't spent large chunks of time single, since I've enjoyed precious few romantic relationships in my time. To think that primal biology and the urgency to spread our genes has brought us to such complex and all-consuming emotions.

[Rusty60]

To nutbrownhare: You've articulated what I've been wondering about the situation. Not being there in person, I can only guess but I've seen some signs that there could be a vibe coming out that potential partners may pick up on.

[Rusty60]

Hi j.man, I don't think you sound overly cold, or at least I think your perspective makes sense. I appreciate what you said about it not necessarily being my place to critique her. It seems to be about striking a delicate balance between offering a sympathetic ear and suggesting that there may be better approaches to remedying the situation or interacting with potential partners.

[Rusty60]

Hi Wiseman2, I've known her for almost 19 years and her personality is otherwise one of kicking butt, taking names, and being a social butterfly. I would not use the words "whiny, desperate, and maudlin" to describe this otherwise strong and successful woman. But I do often wonder if she will need to realize on her own what she could to get out of her rut.

[Rusty60]

You know, DancingFool, I actually suggested as much, though she wasn't receptive at the time. I suspect you've nailed it regarding the "stage fright" of sorts.

[Rusty60]

tattoobunnie, I like that idea. I realize that there's no true magic bullet but since I'm so solution-oriented, I'll consider mentioning this.

[Rusty60]

mustlovedogs and nutbrownhare: I truly hadn't realized that love might not fit with politics. It's a passion of hers and I won't discourage it but thanks for the perspective.

[Batya33]

The overweight comments kind of bother me. So bigger people can't find love?

 

If her friend does turn out to be overweight, does that immediately mean that is solely her issue and not any personality issues?

 

Of course they can. And the reality is it depends where the person is doing most of her dating -if a major city, often it can be an impediment (or, at least, it was when I was dating). And yes- "her" -I didn't see it as much of an impediment for men (meaning my vicarious sense of it, that is). It also depends on how overweight, whether the person is physically fit and active, why the person is overweight, etc.

 

I'm not sure why you jumped to those conclusions to the extreme you did. No one wrote that -least of all me. If she is overweight, trying to date in a major city, and not physically fit/not into being physically active, her overweight can be an impediment -her issue- to meeting single, available men, including overweight men. I saw and heard that as an issue multiple times -dare I say hundreds of times when I was dating in a major city. Fair? No. Lots of dating/meeting people is not. It wasn't for me, either.

[mustlovedogs]

I know you didn't jump to that conclusion, but I don't like when society encourages that being overweight is the greatest crime in dating. It just discourages people from possibly being attracted to overweight people because of potential social stigma. So I am sensitive to it.

 

OP: politics can be a hindrance because, especially given the current political environment, strong opinions can be quite divisive.

[Batya33]

I know you didn't jump to that conclusion, but I don't like when society encourages that being overweight is the greatest crime in dating. It just discourages people from possibly being attracted to overweight people because of potential social stigma. So I am sensitive to it.

 

OP: politics can be a hindrance because, especially given the current political environment, strong opinions can be quite divisive.

 

I haven't really seen that with society at all as any kind of crime or greatest crime. I don't think most people are sheep and just follow what society tells them especially in terms of attraction (even if that were true) - I think the opposite is true and attraction is something mostly innate/instinctive. On the other hand, someone looking for arm candy or a trophy might focus on what their peer group might find attractive -but that has almost nothing to do with chemistry or attraction. I do know where I did all of my dating it was often a negative to be very overweight or even somewhat. I dated some overweight men -including very overweight -but not if the overweight was due to too many bad choices and not if they weren't into physical fitness/exercise/hiking/walking etc.

 

I think being very opinionated no matter what the political climate and presenting that in an off putting way can be problematic.

[zmw1976]

I think she's trying too hard. I am 40. Married 11 years - but think I married as I didn't want to be left on the shelf as most of my friend's were married with kids. Now not sure I even married for love or wether it was the right thing. She needs to relax when the right one comes, they come. Don't compare with friends and peers. Live life and enjoy it and be happy. Do the things you want to do and make you happy everything else will follow.