Dating a girl, but her ex is well on the scene

[Opportunity9]

Hey.

Both 27yo FYI.

 

I have been dating a girl, seen her 4 times. Shared kisses after most of these and she's already gave me a date to see her again. Which is all good. She's my type and we get on so well.

 

The flip side.. I've heard from a mutual today she still goes out with her ex (of 4 years whom she lived with) and they are going out tomorrow for a meal.

 

What the hell ?? What game is she playing, she seems so keen but why would she if she's dating her ex. She did tell me she was still friends with him. But a meal out together.. really?

[Andrina]

I'd never date someone who stayed friends with an ex, meaning they regularly talked on the phone and got together. It's either a deal breaker for you or not. There are single women out there who you can have chemistry and don't do this. I'd suggest moving on and finding one.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately either she's cheating or not ready to date and on/off with the bf.

 

After 4 dates you may want to cut your losses rather than get caught in their game.

 

Sounds like they are trying to work it out, not "friends".

seen her 4 times. I've heard from a mutual today she still goes out with her ex and they are going out tomorrow for a meal. She did tell me she was still friends with him.

[Tanzi]

Their situation sounds like a typical eNA story ... ex's who hang on as friends. In most cases there is an agenda on both sides. One likes the idea of hanging onto the familiarity, security and comfort of a relationship without having the commitment. The other is hanging on because they are hoping it will lead to reconciliation.

 

I think that it's a red flag that she's already discussed her ex with you and told you that they're still friends. She's already warning you that he's going to be a presence in her life and that you'll have to accept that.

 

I am making the presumption that she is the one who was dumped and not ready to let go. Whichever way, however, I would still steer clear. It's just not worth getting involved in someone else's romantic muddle. The chances are she is looking for a rebound or hoping to make her ex jealous. It could be all very innocent but, generally speaking, when there are ex's very much still in the picture, there's an emotional tie or two. It's just not worth the risk. Why would you want to waste your time getting to know (and getting more attached to) someone who you have to share with their ex?

[WithLove]

There are people that say exes are completely capable of being friends after dating. But I am not one of them. Once you're intimate with someone, there's no going back. That's my opinion. In any case, OP, they are still going to be in each other's lives. You have to decide if it's something you'll be okay with (doesn't sound like it). So I'd go ahead and bow out. You're only 4 dates in.

[Opportunity9]

Thanks for replies

 

Interestingly I bought it up in conversation who was the dumper in her relationship and she explained she was and that was because thy argued all the time and it wasn't working

 

My problem, I never really get too attached to girls, it's usually no strings attached and fun. But I'm strangely quickly becoming attached to her and it's really frustrating.

I have no right to mention this to her. She can speak to who she wants. It's hard one.

[Wiseman2]

True you can't say much but you can certainly see it and have an opinion about in order to make your decisions as to whether to proceed or cut it off.

I have no right to mention this to her. She can speak to who she wants. It's hard one.

[abitbroken]

I would just ask about it.

 

What if they are meeting at a neutral location for a meal to settle up some bills they have not yet settled or a bank account they have not settled? And remember, some people might just say this to create trouble and its not true.

 

I would go on a second date with her. If you seem to be having a good time, I would ask her what she is looking for - is she looking to date for fun, or to find a relationship? If she is dating not to be too serious and is not looking for a relationship and you are - you have an answer. If she says she wants a relationship, then you can ask her about her ex if she still sees him.

[JaggerJim]

Yes, sounds dodgy. I wouldn't invest in someone who's still going to dinner with their ex. She either moves on from him, or I move on from her.

[boltnrun]

You have no right to tell her who she can talk to and have dinner with.

 

You DO have the right to step away if you're uncomfortable with the situation.

[Salty]

I personally don't throw away good people because we were once intimate and I have moved on to someone else and I wouldn't tolerate someone who tried to dictate who I can and can not be friends with but you have to be true to what you are comfortable with. Do what makes you happy and comfortable but do not try to force her to get rid of someone she sees as a friend because you don't get it.

[ManyDates]

7 or 8 years ago I did the same thing as you, but had no idea the guy was still in the picture. She would go from super hot to GONE and then come back hot with super shady know-its-a-lie stories about her absences. It was well after we broke up that I realized what she had done - she basically didn't let go of one branch until she had her other hand on another. Vile human being, for all I know she did the same thing to me when we suddenly broke up one day.

[happyfrank]

I wouldn't invest time with girl who still hangs out with ex.

 

They could have dinner and after have sex.

 

Find a girl that is truly single.

[SoulTaker]

I have been dating a girl, seen her 4 times. Shared kisses after most of these and she's already gave me a date to see her again. Which is all good. She's my type and we get on so well. The flip side.. I've heard from a mutual today she still goes out with her ex (of 4 years whom she lived with) and they are going out tomorrow for a meal.

 

What the hell ?? What game is she playing, she seems so keen but why would she if she's dating her ex. She did tell me she was still friends with him. But a meal out together.. really?

 

It's good that you know what the deal is. Now, it's a matter of what you're going to do about it? It's the simple matter of why are you dating her, and why she is dating you (casual, LTR,..). If she just wants someone to hangout with, and that's you're goal, then so be it. If she's looking for something else, then she's not being truthful with herself.

 

There's nothing wrong with clearing the air with her on the next date, if you decide to further proceed.

[nsolo]

I'll tell you exactly what I'd do: I'd put her on the backburner while pursuing better prospects. I'd maybe see this chick once every two weeks. But she would in no way take precedence in my rotation.