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Is she really my friend?


ConfusedY

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This may seem like a minor issue to those who are abit older, but I am clearly still too young and naive to determine my "friend's" real intentions in this particular situation.

So I had been friends with this girl for 4 years now but I had always felt something weird in my gut when it came to her. Like after spending a day with her I would feel drained because of her negativity (she would make little jabs at me, try to compete with me, and even mimic things that i did sometimes). And even if I would go out my way to help her out, she would always complain about helping me when I need her to (if she even helps me at all). The only time she wouldn't complain about helping me was when she could use it as an opportunity to seem better than me. I have no problem with anyone being better than me at anything but she would always be belittling about the things that she knew I couldn't do as well as she could. Instead of trying to help me get better or something.

 

So I have been trying to ditch her for years, and I had finally succeeded in doing so by cutting contact with her until one day her boyfriend came up to me at a party telling me about how lonely she is and how worried about her he is. He than asked me if I could hang out with her again cz she has no friends and he doesn't think it's healthy. I told him that I really have no interest in being friends with his girl but that I would reach out if it would help her.

 

So I invited her to my house for drinks with my housemates on one weekend and once again she proved to me that she was not a good friend: we were all having drinks, getting a buzz on and talking when all of a sudden one of the boys brought up our messed up couch and how uncomfortable it must be to have sex on it. None of us was taking the conversation seriously (or so I thought) so we just laughed and agreed. I jokingly said that you could always use the carpet instead and my "friend" turns to be with such distaste on her face and says "why would you do that!? It's so dirty!". I had no problem with that, to each their own, so I just shrugged and said "you could stick it out. It's not a big deal anyway." Then she turns to me again and says "you still seem like you can't f***, to me", loud as hell, in front of everyone. I played it cool, shrugged and said "oh ok". But deep down I was so offended. Isn't this supposed to be MY friend!?! And when I confronted her about it later in private she told me to "okaaay just shut the f*** up". That's when I went off on her and told her off. The next day I let her know that the friendship was over, not just cz of that night but because our whole friendship seemed like a competition that only she was in.

My question is, do you think I overreacted or do you agree that she was clearly not a person who had my best interests at heart?

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Unfortunately she wasn't a friend. If the bf was so "worried" he should suggest a therapist, not pawn her off to friends to continue her mental vampirism. Go no contact delete and block her from all messaging and social media and avoid her.

I would feel drained because of her negativity. I had finally succeeded in doing so by cutting contact with her until one day her boyfriend came up to me at a party telling me about how lonely she is and how worried about her he is.
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"He than asked me if I could hang out with her again cz she has no friends"

 

First and foremost, I highly doubt that's coincidental. She sounds like a snot who only knows how to dish it out.

 

That said, you did previously "successfully cut off contact with her." And you explicitly told her boyfriend that you had "no interest in being friends with her." There's no telling whether he ever said anything to her or if you perhaps emanated the feeling of unfriendliness you described to us, even if unintentionally. It sounds like she went in already not being thrilled with you and alcohol turned her into a pure grade A1 ***hole.

 

I don't say that because I think she's a gem worth keeping around. Simply to leave it for good this time. I wouldn't be giving someone like that a second chance, much less a third. And I think the whole plan and execution intrinsically lent itself to a bad outcome.

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I think the larger question is why you keep trying to be friends with someone who is so verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Seriously, what is up with that?

 

Cut her out of your life for good, call it done, the next time her boyfriend approaches politely tell him you'll give her a call, take her number, don't give yours, then when you're out of sight toss the number away. From then on be "too busy."

 

But also you need to look at why you have stayed friends for so long and keep going back to someone who you describe as a pretty awful person. It's like owning a snake that you keep complaining about being bitten by, and yet its' a snake, what did you expect? You may want to work on your own personal boundaries, being able to say no to people, and upgrading the type of people you feel you deserve in your life.

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Honestly, I stayed friends with her for longer than was healthy for me because I felt sorry for her. She was clearly an insecure girl, it was apparent with everything she did, even the way she carried herself. So I thought I could help her out. Look how that turned out. Lesson learnt. Thanks for the advice guys. I am not speaking to her ever again.

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Pity is an emotion that often turns back to bite you. Remember that. It's different than empathy, which is about being able to understand and put yourself in another's shoes. People who engender empathy are usually trying to meet others halfway at least. But when you have to feel sorry for someone over the way they treat others and the resulting, unsurprising fallout, nuh-uh. She is in control of her emotions and how she treats others. She will either finally realize that having no friends is what happens when you are emotionally abusive to them OR she will spend her life miserable, but it's not on you to fix that. And you can't.

 

When you enable and put up with bad behaviors in people, then bad behaviors are all you get back. Because why should they change, someone accepts them for the way they act, so in their universe that's proof enough it's acceptable.

 

Move on, find healthier relationships. You shouldn't have to play savior to anyone beyond an immediate helping someone in a dangerous situation.

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one day her boyfriend came up to me at a party telling me about how lonely she is and how worried about her he is. He than asked me if I could hang out with her again cz she has no friends and he doesn't think it's healthy.

 

I think you went into this with good intentions, but your first indication that nothing had changed was her boyfriends own words.

Steer clear of loners with no friends. They have no friends for valid reasons.

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