Downton1212 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hello. I met a wonderful man several months ago. I was sure that he was gay (I don't have anything against gay people, and I know that's stereotypical, but it was my gut feeling), because of his mannerisms. Actually he told me that his coworkers all thought he was gay, and my friends who have met him thought he was too. I know that he isn't, and he treats me wonderfully, is kind, very intelligent, and a gentleman. However, I just don't know if I can get beyond his mannerisms. He sways his hips in a weird manner when he's excited about something, he gives a little jump, claps and squeals like a girl when he's excited about something, he clasps his hands on the side of his face dramatically and his head when he thinks something is sweet. Plus he uses his hands a lot, in a feminine way, and when he's talking about something that he's passionate about he flings his head and emotes in such a way that he seems very flamboyant. Even the bartender, when we went out, asked a friend who was there (who knew him) if he was gay. I finally broke down and told him about this stuff, because it bothered me so much, and I figured it was better to tell him than break up, for no reason. He was very hurt and extremely shocked. He thought that people only thought that because he's well groomed. Well, it was better for a little while, and I started to think that maybe things would work out. But then last week he started talking about something, and the mannerisms came out full forced. I'll admit it completely turned me off, to the point where I couldn't wait for him to leave, and I haven't wanted to see him since. I just don't think I can get by this, but then I'll be throwing the baby out with the bathwater...turning away an awesome man because of something he obviously can't help. I'm wondering about other women who have been in this situation, did it get any better with time? Did you notice it less, or did he just act less feminine? If there are any men on here who have had people think that you have feminine mannerisms would you please help me with this? I truly do love him, and he's a wonderful man, but I can't help the way I feel about this, even though I want to. Thank you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Acting masculine or feminine is a social construct. Don't tell him he's acting feminine. But it's his personality. If he were angry, or emotional, or clingy, or dirty, those would be reasons enough to break up. Why isn't this a reason too? My point is: don't feel shallow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 He sways his hips in a weird manner when he's excited about something, he gives a little jump, claps and squeals like a girl when he's excited about something, he clasps his hands on the side of his face dramatically and his head when he thinks something is sweet. Plus he uses his hands a lot, in a feminine way, and when he's talking about something that he's passionate about he flings his head and emotes in such a way that he seems very flamboyant Oh gosh, NO! He sounds like a really sweet guy but my girlfriends aren't this feminine. I couldn't do it. I don't think you can either. Besides, I would want to be the girl in the relationship. Now that you told him I don't think this is something either of you can get past. It's ok to feel disappointed. I would too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 He could be the nicest guy on earth but if he turns you off it's best to set him free rather than try to change or fix him or continue to hurt him. He may think he's metrosexual. I figured it was better to tell him than break up, for no reason. He was very hurt and extremely shocked. He thought that people only thought that because he's well groomed. I'll admit it completely turned me off, to the point where I couldn't wait for him to leave, and I haven't wanted to see him since. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Thank you, and you're right, I'm aware that I'm being shallow. I feel awful that it affects me in this way, and I know he's a wonderful man. But knowing that a person shouldn't feel shallow yet actually not feeling shallow is a huge hurdle. As far as being emotional, he's very emotional, as he cries easily, is very anxious, and gets nervous easily. I feel really bad for him with these things, but it is what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Lol, that's kind of what I think! If I wanted to be with a woman I would be, basically. Not that I want a super macho guy, just a regular guy I guess. He is super, super sweet, but I think I need to listen to my literal gut instinct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Hahaha, that's great! I've never seen that before. I actually do prefer metrosexual men, by far! However this is way beyond that, more almost into the Richard Simmons realm, not all the time, but enough. Love the poster though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks you're "shallow". Either you're attracted to him (ALL of him, including his mannerisms) or you're not. And if you're not, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABCABC123ABC Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Not everyone thinks you're being shallow. If you don't find it attractive, then you don't find it attractive. I'm not into tomboy's, but that doesn't make me shallow. Just not something I'm into Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABCABC123ABC Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Are you more embarrassed by the fact that ppl are noticing it and bringing it to your attention? Seemed like you were semi-okay with it before everyone started bringing it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 That's a good question. I was embarrassed about it right away, actually, but I tried to push it aside, and wondered if it was just me. However, when others brought it up, then I realized it wasn't just me. I'll admit it embarrasses me when we're out and he does feminine things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtyu4567 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I once dated a guy similar to what you described. In the back of my mind, I always questioned it. After we broke up, little did I know that those around me also questioned it. He threw tantrums, almost like a some teenage girls, swayed his hips when he walked or got upset, very vain, liked looking in the mirror, I think more than me. Anyhow, I dismissed it because I did fall in love with him and I also thought that maybe it was something that rubbed off from him being an interior designer but, it always bothered me and I believe one of the reasons we broke up, on my part anyway, was because many times I felt like there were two women in the relationship instead of one, ME. But, nonetheless it was an issue with me the whole time, I just brushed it off and truthfully I probably shouldn't have. Live and learn. Good luck with what ever you choose to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Thank you. It's true, it has to be his and my relationship. It wouldn't be a hard decision at all, except he's sweet and kind in so many things. I've vacillated about it quite a bit, but lately I'm feeling more that I just can't do it. I keep hoping the feeling will pass, but I'm not sure that it will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 He does sound similar for sure! I too have fallen in love with him, and I know he'd love a future together, but if the feelings don't pass on my end of feeling embarrassed and turned off by him then I don't see the hope for it. Lol about two women in the relationship; when he's upset and weepy about something, or worried (he's a huge worrier) I feel the same! I love him, very much, but I think this stuff would always be a conflict. Thanks for replying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nina95 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 You are not being shallow. Something similar to this happened to me once. The guy wasn't my boyfriend officially, we only went on some dates for a couple months, during which I did not see anyone else and I believe (hope) he didnt either. No meeting of friends or family on either side, and we did sleep together using protection a couple times. Sex was ok, not bad nor great. Conversation was great and very stimulating, I did like him as a person very much, I actually wished he hadn't pursued me as a partner so we could have become friends. But he did pursue me insistently, even though I frankly wasn't that into him. I should have followed my gut and just decline from the get go. But he was a charming and kind person and I went along with it. I ended it after a short while because I couldn't take his mannerisms and the way he spoke, the faces he would make and how he would twitch his mouth, or use his hands expressively when talking. Jeez. I almost felt masculine next to this guy, and I am not. He was hurt when I ended it or so it seemed, but I never told him the whole detailed truth, just that I wasnt feeling it (true) and didnt want any of us to waste our times not finding the right person for each other, etc. We didnt keep in touch much after that, he was a little hurt at first I think and I never reached out again. About two years after we broke up, I heard through a mutual friend that he had come out bisexual. Maybe in a couple years he might discover he is exclusively gay and just hasn't realized it yet, who knows. Not saying this your case, but in any case, you are not shallow, this is just not attractive for you like it wasn't for me and that is fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nina95 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Reading you again, I think yours has even more marked mannerisms, jumping and squealing and hip movements do seem like a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I don't understand why you started dating him and continued to knowing his mannerisms. Don't get me wrong. Man or woman, that behavior is just weird to me. But I'd also recognize it puts me off and not date them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I'd "smell blood in the water" if I ever saw a man behave the way he did. He's a Beta male. I'd run him out with my personality. Strong alpha men only, or gtfo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Yeah I've wondered that myself. I think I just tried to concentrate on his good qualities, and I hoped that the things that bothered me would fade into the background with time. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be true. I say that he really pursued me, and I really did just want to be friends, but as we hung out more a relationship just happened. I will not make the same mistake again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 That's interesting...I've wondered the same thing, if he's at least bi, but he says no. Of course there are plenty of straight guys who act feminine, and gay guys who act straight, so I know that's not really a good way to tell, but it's what a person instinctively thinks. I totally agree about the conversation being stimulating! He's very interesting, and has a mind like a steel trap insofar as obscure facts and history. I do love to talk with him, and if he and I were just friends I think we'd be best friends, and I'd really enjoy time with him. As far as an LTR though, well that's a different story. I'm glad that you were able to find the strength to end things when you realized he wasn't for you. (I do believe, as far out as this may seem, that I could tolerate better having a bi, straight acting bf than a straight one who acts feminine. It's just a huge turn off to me!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarielovesMark Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I can sort of relate n this situation. I've dated my ex, ALL my friends would tell me he's gay but I would always say he wasn't though he seemed a little feminine sometimes and more dramatic than I was. Then now the guy I'm kind of talking to is almost exactly what you've described. First time I met him I thought he was gay. He's very feminine (he even mentioned he used to tiptoe a lot — wth?! ) and i even think I'm more manly than he is. I was at one point feeling unsafe with him in terms of defending ourselves in case someone attacks us or something (I was in military and he's a corporate guy). My friends and a lot of people think he's gay. But you know what, I took time to get to know him, and is still getting to know him better. We had a rough start (long story).. but now I see past his "femininity" and starting to see his other qualities.. great qualities.. kind, smart, sweet, decisive, take-charge person. Lol But then I understand your situation that it's really hard when you're turned off by his feminine side. Maybe, just maybe, give it a little more time if you claim to love this person... love is afterall not just a word... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 I am trying...intellectually I know I should stay with him, because he's all the things you've described, but on the other hand I almost think I'd be better off alone. He unfortunately works at a very low paying job too, and I make three times what he does (which isn't that much), and I sure don't want to support someone, especially if I'm unsure about the relationship. On the other hand he's the only guy I've dated who will go to church with me every week, watch the British shows I love, and with whom I can discuss literature and other things we both love. So I will talk myself into it, and feel loving towards him, until suddenly the femininity comes out in full force and it seems we're back to square one, and I'm literally wanting to run. I do feel really bad about it, and I wish I wouldn't feel this way! Best wishes on your relationship, I hope it works out for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I am trying...intellectually I know I should stay with him, because he's all the things you've described, but on the other hand I almost think I'd be better off alone. He unfortunately works at a very low paying job too, and I make three times what he does (which isn't that much), and I sure don't want to support someone, especially if I'm unsure about the relationship. On the other hand he's the only guy I've dated who will go to church with me every week, watch the British shows I love, and with whom I can discuss literature and other things we both love. So I will talk myself into it, and feel loving towards him, until suddenly the femininity comes out in full force and it seems we're back to square one, and I'm literally wanting to run. I do feel really bad about it, and I wish I wouldn't feel this way! Best wishes on your relationship, I hope it works out for you! He sounds like a great friend. Not a lover/partner Just because someone has great qualities, it doesn't always make them the one for you. You want to feel like a woman, have your toes curl and feel safe in his arms. Don't settle for less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downton1212 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 He sounds like a great friend. Not a lover/partner Just because someone has great qualities, it doesn't always make them the one for you. You want to feel like a woman, have your toes curl and feel safe in his arms. Don't settle for less. Wow, I couldn't have put it better myself. I'm not looking for or expecting Prince Charming, but a man that I feel safe with, and where my femininity is a compliment to his masculinity...definitely. I do hope that I can continue to be great friends with him, will see. Thank you for your advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Wow, I couldn't have put it better myself. I'm not looking for or expecting Prince Charming, but a man that I feel safe with, and where my femininity is a compliment to his masculinity...definitely. I do hope that I can continue to be great friends with him, will see. Thank you for your advice! But instead you found a person whose humanity compliments your humanity and whose personality complements your personality. It's a strange dilemma isn't it. That's a guy who you love and are attracted to and has ways that are feminine. I think in time you wouldn't even see these things anymore. You would just see and accept him for who he is..as he is. What may not pass is your worry of what other people think. And that's understandable, I'm not judging that. I just think it's sad that men in particular cannot be expressive as females are without that being seen as unattractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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