Some Simple Advice For The Recently "Dumped".

[Fun Boater 1]

Active on this site again after a few years. This forum is a great resource and it has helped me put things in perspective at times. I've been through a few "dumpings", some easier than others, and I've been the "dumper" a few times myself. Just wanted to share a few simple doctrines to remember if you are experiencing being broken up with. They hold true under ANY circumstances. Not a guide to "get he/her back" - just a few key things I believe are important to realize in order to get your head straight so you can 1. Move on 2. Heal 3. Or even consider getting back together. Detachment is the key!

 

1. Realize that what was, WAS, but isn't anymore.

2. If someone can walk away from you, you let them walk! Your destiny and future is never connected to someone who can leave you - Never!

3. Share your feelings with the "dumper" - all of them. Hold nothing back and tell them exactly how you feel. "Empty the tank" of your feelings. THEN WALK AWAY and STAY AWAY.

 

Keep these three items in mind if you are being dumped. They will help you focus on moving forward. In my opinion anyway!

[jah123]

I agree with 1 and 2, but third one seems well..interesting =)

Of course in some cases this might be a good idea. For instance, let's say you cheated and your girlfriend dumped you. Then it's a good idea to tell her how you feel, but in my opinion when there's a situation in which you are being left for somebody else out of the blue, or there's this "I need space" thing going around then, I think, it's just better to walk away without sharing any feelings etc. That's what I would do. Somebody dumps you out of the blue, you leave, cut the contact and never respond. Sooner or later they regret and even want to reconcile, but then you're yourself again and you don't care about them.

 

Yeah, I 100% agree with you. This forum is just great. It's just such a relief to see that there're people who are going through the same sh!!t with their lives as you. In my opinion, break-up patterns tend to repeat. I've seen like 100+ situations like "She left me, because she needed space". So you can definitely learn from those stories and help other people at the same time. I don't know where would I be now without this forum.

[DancingFool]

Agree with 1 and 2, but not so much with 3. Venting and dumping all on your ex seems compulsive and may feel great at that moment, but later on....once your head is clear, might not feel so good to know you totally lost it. Even worse if you look your ex in the face and see this written all over "wow....what an unhinged loser, sooo glad I dumped them."

 

Besides that, if the dumper respects themselves and dumpee is going overboard, they will walk away from the dumpee and will not subject themselves to a barrage of emotions from an angry ex that they no longer want in their life anyway. The latter I have actually done, when a guy I dated briefly and dumped kept harassing me to meet up for closure. Humored him and agreed to meet up, he opened the floodgates, I was not interested in listening to all that and literally stood up, wished him well and told him point blank to never contact me again and consider therapy for himself. He turned red, humiliated. For me, it was just validation that dumping him was absolutely the correct decision. No I didn't feel bad about his humiliation, he was doing it all to himself. I think this is also why so many people prefer to fade out, break up over phone or text and otherwise quickly distance themselves so they are not subjected to abuse and drama.

[Fun Boater 1]

Okay, I guess I need to clarify the #3 part. I"m not suggesting - begging, pleading, over-dramatizing...etc..etc... What I meant by "empty the tank" was to just make sure your partner (the dumper) knows how you feel at some point. NOT crying, whining, "emotional floodgates"....or any of that classic MISBEHAVIOR dumpees may be tempted to exhibit. I meant share your feelings from a position of confidence. Don't leave anything unsaid that you feel should be said. That way you will have no regrets looking back. THAT'S what I meant by that, but I can see how that can be misinterpreted.

[Dahl]

I quite like your #3, but my caveat would be to do this perhaps in an unsent letter manner.

 

Welcome back!

[Wiseman2]

I'm ok with 3 also, because you're saying speak your piece at the time of the breakup not send or communicate anything post breakup.

3. Share your feelings with the "dumper" - all of them. Hold nothing back and tell them exactly how you feel. "Empty the tank" of your feelings. THEN WALK AWAY and STAY AWAY.

[Jeffbobo]

I'm ok with 3 also, because you're saying speak your piece at the time of the breakup not send or communicate anything post breakup.

 

Other than saying, "Well, that kinda sucks. I wish you the best.", what more is there to say? For sure you can hear them out and listen so as to learn going forward.

 

My "Empty the tank" is reserved for *before* a breakup and we're attempting to work it out so that hopefully we work through our differences and it doesn't come to that point. But in the end, they get nothing from my tank.

[J Miracle]

I like #3. This way, you won't feel like there was anything left unsaid, and its one less reason to reach out again for closure.

[Dahl]

But in the end, they get nothing from my tank.

 

I think this is dead bang brilliant advice. You really can't go wrong conducting yourself with this kind of dignity.

[DrkHrt]

I don't agree that expressing your feelings is bad- and I don't agree that it basically makes you look desperate and silly- I just think there's a way to do it appropriately.

In my experience, honesty is often the best policy and most exes HEAR what you are saying- even if they react badly, most of the time, it's sunk in.

By the time a relationship has reached that point anyway, you have nothing left to lose. Expressing how you feel simply reflects that you cared enough to say these things before walking away. Even if you do walk away looking a fool, you can rest easily knowing you got it off of your chest.

It has always worked for me, and actually, I know my ex respects my honesty rather than pretending I'm okay with the breakup.

Life is sometimes too short for pride- I have learnt it's sometimes better to put it out there on a plate rather than holding it in and saying it 6 months down the line when it is no longer relevant.

My tip is- say it ONCE- if you keeping repeating it, that's when it starts to look desperate and unattractive. 'Empty the tank' and leave it at that.

[DrkHrt]

FunBoater1 your advice makes a lot of sense.

[missocean]

Not sure I agree with #3. Definitely not "empty the tank", but maybe a short statement of where you stand emotionally at the point of breakup.

 

My 16yo daughter who was unexpectedly dumped by her boyfriend of 1yr just two weeks ago, showed me the last text she sent him the night he broke up w her (via text). I can't remember verbatim, but something like -- "I still love you a lot. But I understand that you want to hook up with other girls. There is no need for us to talk in person tomorrow. We are broken up as of now. Sorry I can't stay friends, it just hurts too much. Thank you for a beautiful experience. I mean it. Heart emojis." NC since, on her part.

 

Or as Dahl said, maybe "empty the tank" in an unsent letter. IMO, the dumpter doesn't deserve to know anything in your tank.

[Dahl]

Not sure I agree with #3. Definitely not "empty the tank", but maybe a short statement of where you stand emotionally at the point of breakup.

 

My 16yo daughter who was unexpectedly dumped by her boyfriend of 1yr just two weeks ago, showed me the last text she sent him the night he broke up w her (via text). I can't remember verbatim, but something like -- "I still love you a lot. But I understand that you want to hook up with other girls. There is no need for us to talk in person tomorrow. We are broken up as of now. Sorry I can't stay friends, it just hurts too much. Thank you for a beautiful experience. I mean it. Heart emojis." NC since, on her part.

 

Or as Dahl said, maybe "empty the tank" in an unsent letter. IMO, the dumpter doesn't deserve to know anything in your tank.

 

I have been thinking of you and your daughter and hoping all was well (or as well as is reasonable to expect, of course)! How are you guys faring?

[DancingFool]

Not sure I agree with #3. Definitely not "empty the tank", but maybe a short statement of where you stand emotionally at the point of breakup.

 

My 16yo daughter who was unexpectedly dumped by her boyfriend of 1yr just two weeks ago, showed me the last text she sent him the night he broke up w her (via text). I can't remember verbatim, but something like -- "I still love you a lot. But I understand that you want to hook up with other girls. There is no need for us to talk in person tomorrow. We are broken up as of now. Sorry I can't stay friends, it just hurts too much. Thank you for a beautiful experience. I mean it. Heart emojis." NC since, on her part.

 

Or as Dahl said, maybe "empty the tank" in an unsent letter. IMO, the dumpter doesn't deserve to know anything in your tank.

 

From the mouths of babes...... If only adults could manage to be so classy and mature as your daughter. Then again, I wouldn't call this emptying the tank, just a very dignified farewell along with giving herself closure and cutting off the ex from any stringing along games. Wow.....need to pin that to the top of the boards under "this is closure after a break up"

[missocean]

Hi Dahl, thanks for asking! When I ask her how she is doing, she says "meh" and I know she still cries in private. But you wouldn't know by looking at her though. She continues to go to school and ace her tests (5 AP classes!), go to practice, go to her part time job, and fulfill her obligations as the ascending captain of her HS varsity team. Her friendship circle seems to be expanding too. She used to go to lunch with him, but since the breakup, she's been going with different groups of kids everyday. Also small gestures from different kids seem to make a difference. Like a couple nights ago, a younger HS teammate came over to our house with her mom to drop off a gift for her -- for "being so nice" to the girl. My daughter has no idea what she did that was "so nice", but made her happy anyway. She still sees her ex almost everyday at school and at practice. So it's hard. I send her little messages during the day to remind her to stay strong and stay NC.

 

The strange thing is that I miss her ex! Lovely boy, definitely going places. They were both at a sports awards dinner last night where parents were invited. So sad seeing them in the same room and acting like total strangers. My daughter is "queen b", so he was a little sidelined now that he is no longer with her. I just felt bad for both of them

[jennylove]

Love this! Good to see you back Funboater!!

[TiredOfDating]

I dont' think #3 is about the dumper deserving to know what's in your tank. It's about YOU, as the dumpee, deserving to express how you feel about his/her actions, in a healthy, sane way.

 

I feel when my one month break period ended that night at dinner, I finally let him know everything I had kept to myself that month. I needed to tell him that he handled things poorly and was hurtful. It was for my own peace of mind to let him know how I felt about things. It wasn't done as any favor to him.

[jennylove]

I don't see anything wrong with number 3 either. It's not about them, it's about you.

 

Say what you want to say without insulting them, I.e., don't mention things they cannot help or things that make them unique: performance, size, looks, career, weight, style. Do mention: lies, deception, if they disrespected you, never listened, drank too much, irresponsible, etc.

 

Don't mention these things out of anger. Just put it out there gracefully and walk away, never to look back. You'll be happy, you'll have closure, you may even give him/her something to ponder.