Whats the best way to help a struggling husband?

[Pluglover]

Hi All,

 

I am facing a sligh dilemma in respect of my marriage, now I believe I have done what I can in the best way. However just looking for either some confirmation or additional pointers to consider.

 

Just a quick background so you can understand whats happening:

 

Been married for several years.

Used to live with my husband and my son (from a previous relationship) up until approximately one year ago as my husband is an alcoholic and drug user; which I didnt want around my son as I felt it was an unhealthy environment for him.

We all spend time together regularly, family days out, movie nights, he even stays over 2 nights per week etc. We all get along brilliantly. However approx every 3 weeks he will go on a drug and alcohol binge for about 2 weeks. During this time I am cursed to high heaven and accused of all sorts, blamed for not giving him money for more alcohol and being called selfish for doing so.... I am determined not to be his enabler. These binges usually result in suicide attempts and hospitalisation for alcohol posioning.

His lease on his property is coming to an end and he has asked if he can stay in the marital home for approximately one month in order to wait for his next property to be ready. I have said no; mainly due to the fact it is not the kind of environment I want to live in and I do not think it is healthy for my 12 year old son or myself. Only yesterday my husband was telling me he hated me because I wouldnt give him money for alcohol?!?!

 

Have I done the right thing by saying no to moving in for 4 weeks. I am worried that if I do I will have to deal with his irrational behaviour in the home and that my son may witness it.

He has been offered emergency accommodation by a rehabilitation group he attends however it is out of town - not sure how true this is as at present not able to believe everything he says.

 

Secretely thinking if he does move towns could this be my 'get out clause'

 

Opinions welcome!!

 

Thanks for your time

[DancingFool]

You are doing well to keep him out of your home. If you let him stay, you might get into a situation of good luck getting him out ever again.

 

Now the real question - why haven't you divorced him? What are you waiting on?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You are wise to remove your son from this toxic man. He's not your son's father so don't expose him at all to this.

 

It's unclear why you are subjecting yourself and your son to this volatility, abuse and drug use/alcoholism?

Your 'get out clause' is to file for divorce.

Used to live with my husband and my son (from a previous relationship) up until approximately one year ago as my husband is an alcoholic and drug user; which I didnt want around my son as I felt it was an unhealthy environment for him.

These binges usually result in suicide attempts and hospitalisation for alcohol posioning. I do not think it is healthy for my 12 year old son or myself.

[DancingFool]

I would also add that while you may be sheltering your son from the worst, your son is still fully aware to the fact that you married and are continuing to put up with an abusive drug addict who is drifting in and out of your life. This is truly not an example of a man and not an example of healthy relationships that your son needs in his life. Remember that children are way smarter and more observant and aware than adults and certainly more so than adults give them credit for. Don't fool yourself with this idea that he is oblivious so long as you shelter him from the worst of it.

 

File for divorce and make sure that you do not jump into another relationship or marriage with some man you need to save or help. You need to be single and actually work on yourself in terms of what choices you are making when it comes to relationships. You cannot fix a human.

[Pluglover]

Thanks guys for the open honesty and may I add that it is nothing I havent already thought.

I have just had a call from his support worker letting me know that he will not be homeless and that I was right not to let him move in with me. Was also offered support in managing the guilt trips he will inevitably try and put on me as he will believe it is my fault he is "homeless"

 

What a situation... God will never give us more than we can handle!

 

Luckily I am on the right path which will eventually end at the solicitors.

[Wiseman2]

Except for what you are doing to your son, in this case.

God will never give us more than we can handle!

[Sarahla023]

I am going through a relationship conflict right now as well involving drugs. You have every right to say no. That is the smartest and most responsible thing for you to do. Your a mother first. Don't let your son see anymore than he has to. Kids see everything even if you try not to let them. They know. They are smart. You are smart. You sound like you know what you need to do and have a good Handle on the logical part. But it's the emotions that's are getting in your way. Logically no way he can't move in. The proof is in the pudding. But emotionally it's hard to say no. You probably have a bunch of reasons in your head why you shouldn't say no. But the logical side is usually the side that makes the choices based on facts and evidence. Put your emotions into something good like your son's sports or music or baking or cooking or dancing ANYTHING but your ex or current husband. Just don't sacrifice your well being and the health of your loved ones for someone who is in the grasps of a condition that will not allow them to pick anything but the addiction. I really hope everything turns out for you my heart hurts for people in the situation. Its so painful.

[DancingFool]

Thanks guys for the open honesty and may I add that it is nothing I havent already thought.

I have just had a call from his support worker letting me know that he will not be homeless and that I was right not to let him move in with me. Was also offered support in managing the guilt trips he will inevitably try and put on me as he will believe it is my fault he is "homeless"

 

What a situation... God will never give us more than we can handle!

 

Luckily I am on the right path which will eventually end at the solicitors.

 

Make it today. Right now. You have no reason to continue delaying this. None.

 

Sounds like you need some counseling and support for yourself to push through with this and get that divorce. You can always post here and vent, also lean on friends, maybe actually go see a therapist to brace you up, or some support groups out there for families of addicts. Those groups will at least help you understand that you cannot save or fix people like your husband no matter what you do. You get it logically, but you need to get it emotionally as well.

[abitbroken]

I don't understand why you didn't kick him out and tell him that he can't see either of you until he's sober. The several times a week family visits are strongly enabling him and the child is not his - i get that he's the stepdad but he has no legal standing to "need" to see the child. You have not allowed him to hit rock bottom - you are keeping everything the same aside from actually living in the house. You know what you have to do now. He has to hit rock bottom to really, really, seek help and want to change sincerely. I wish you the best.