jnr586 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm a 34 year old gay man. I've been in a 'relationship' with a guy for nearly a year which can best be described as 'friends with benefits'. We talk every day, hang out either alone or with a group of friends multiple times a week, flirt on text messages, and hook up maybe once a month. The connection is probably more emotional than physical. There's no pretense of a long-term relationship although I'd admittedly be open to more and he knows that. He freely admits that he's unhappy with himself- his body, his career trajectory- he's always looking to the future rather than enjoying the present. He's a social butterfly but privately a bit of a loner due to a hostile relationship with his parents and general lack of support structure. He seems extremely slow to trust and be vulnerable. We've grown close and I think I've earned more trust than nearly anyone else has from him, but he's still guarded. He's surprisingly sensitive and seems easily hurt. I've been told and read time and time again that someone can't truly love if they don't truly love themselves. I'm trying to understand that statement better. I care about this guy, and I want to be someone that he feels he can fully trust. Link to comment
Dahl Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Hello, jnr, and welcome to the forum. I think I missed something - please clarify which statement you are referring to? Thanks! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Stick with your "enjoying the present" philosophy and don't try to change or fix him. I've been told and read time and time again that someone can't truly love if they don't truly love themselves Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 It's a really nice and polite way of saying that emotionally damaged people are not capable of being good romantic partners unless they actually seek appropriate counseling and fix themselves..... Except that they usually never do because they don't see themselves as damaged or broken and are actually content with how they are living their lives, including finding steady hook ups to simulate a relationship while at the same time keeping a very comfortable emotional distance for themselves along with their freedom. In short, they win and you, a normal person with normal emotional attachment, lose out, as you will get attached and desire more and it's not forthcoming. However, before you realize that, you will spend a lot of your time and energy hoping for it and trying to fix them. Link to comment
randomer2000 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I too think you should currently just go with the flow as long as it is not emotionally damaging you. However you should openly let him know and ask him if he is looking for more as well, talk about how you can support him make his life better and how you believe that everything will be alright. Make him realize that you can be part of his support structure. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 It sounds like you want more than he is capable of. Don't look for projects! Find someone without so much baggage, or you take on the position of therapist, and parent. Link to comment
Person1001 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm a 34 year old gay man. I've been in a 'relationship' with a guy for nearly a year which can best be described as 'friends with benefits'. We talk every day, hang out either alone or with a group of friends multiple times a week, flirt on text messages, and hook up maybe once a month. The connection is probably more emotional than physical. There's no pretense of a long-term relationship although I'd admittedly be open to more and he knows that. He freely admits that he's unhappy with himself- his body, his career trajectory- he's always looking to the future rather than enjoying the present. He's a social butterfly but privately a bit of a loner due to a hostile relationship with his parents and general lack of support structure. He seems extremely slow to trust and be vulnerable. We've grown close and I think I've earned more trust than nearly anyone else has from him, but he's still guarded. He's surprisingly sensitive and seems easily hurt. I've been told and read time and time again that someone can't truly love if they don't truly love themselves. I'm trying to understand that statement better. I care about this guy, and I want to be someone that he feels he can fully trust. He is not ready for a relationship and may never be. If he has told you that he can't give you more. he won't. Eventually he will get tired about you asking or waiting and leave you. That's what my ex did and I know its because he doesn't love himself enough. In order for someone to have a good relationship, they need to be happy w/themselves, if they aren't giving themselves that, they can't give it to you. Link to comment
jnr586 Posted March 11, 2017 Author Share Posted March 11, 2017 [deleted]. Redundant post, sorry. Link to comment
jnr586 Posted March 11, 2017 Author Share Posted March 11, 2017 You phrased this well. It's very helpful to hear it put that way. I struggle to divert my attention from him although I'm not sure why. I probably need to put more effort into breaking the attachment. Thank you. It's a really nice and polite way of saying that emotionally damaged people are not capable of being good romantic partners unless they actually seek appropriate counseling and fix themselves..... Except that they usually never do because they don't see themselves as damaged or broken and are actually content with how they are living their lives, including finding steady hook ups to simulate a relationship while at the same time keeping a very comfortable emotional distance for themselves along with their freedom. In short, they win and you, a normal person with normal emotional attachment, lose out, as you will get attached and desire more and it's not forthcoming. However, before you realize that, you will spend a lot of your time and energy hoping for it and trying to fix them. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted March 11, 2017 Share Posted March 11, 2017 Hello, jnr, and welcome to the forum. I think I missed something - please clarify which statement you are referring to? Thanks! Dahl, I think he might mean the statement "one can't truly love someone else unless they love themselves first." Which I agree with. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 12, 2017 Share Posted March 12, 2017 When we learn to accept ouraelves as the flawed works in progress we all are, we are able to accept our loved ones with their flaws as well. The inverse also is true, hence the saying that we have to love ourselves before loving someone else. -- You describe being attached, and also clearly are focused on his path and wellness. I suggest you read about codependence as a tool of intimacy avoidance. When you shine the spotlight on others, it protects you from being in the light yourself. With regards to attachment, i suggest you focus on and trust in the process of getting to know someone, knowing that you are enough and lovable as you are. The path you are on will lead you where you are going. If it feels like the wrong direction, change your path. Trust in your path and you can let go of the destination. You can let go of him. If he is supposed to be there he will be, if he isnt, holding on to him won't change that. The attachment reflects your need for security. Recognize it is a false source of security. Find that within yourself by accepting youraelf as you are, same as he needs to do. We attract a mirror image of ourselves. You both have the same.core issue, and it is manifesting itself in complementary ways, allowing for the attachment that has developed like two puzzle pieces. It is your crutch and your cage. You will need to find your strength within. Link to comment
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