Boyfriend watching porn behind my back

[CW18999]

Hi everyone,

 

*Please note I do not have any issues with porn or people who watch it. I understand it's normal for men and women but when it becomes an issue and causes people to lie and hide then that's not okay so please no nasty comments.

 

This is my first time ever posting something so personal online but I really just don't have anyone to talk too and i'm sick of the same thoughts running through my head over and over again driving me crazy.

 

At the start of mine and my partners relationship I assumed he watched porn and as we didn't live together but our sex life was great when we did see each other it didn't bother me, however as the relationship developed and we spent more time together I did notice that he was still watching porn and told him that I personally don't like the idea of him watching other women online when we have plenty of sex daily. He agreed and said he would't like the idea of me getting off to other people either (he can be very possessive and jealous over me, this includes men I work with and if anybody looks at me in public) so we agreed and that was that.

 

About a year and half later I slowly noticed him not initiating sex and not "finishing" while we have sex or at least finding it difficult to, which did make me worry and start feeling insecure. For my birthday we went away on our first holiday just the two of us and the night before this after I had been in work all day, I used his phone to look up our flight times and up popped five different porn sites (all of this same 'mature' genre). I confronted him to which he lied and said he just found it "funny" and he wasn't watching it to masturbate. He then started calling me crazy and jealous and blamed me for his actions. I was extremely hurt that he couldn't just admit why he was watching it and apologise but he refused. I personally feel like this spoilt a massive part our holiday as I just didn't feel good enough anymore sexually - why else would he be going behind my back masturbating to someone else? Our sex life defiantly suffered.

 

He did eventually apologise and promised me he wouldn't do it anymore his words where "seeing how much this had upset you and seeing the affect its having on us both just isn't worth it" so I put it behind me and tried to forget about it. Our sex life still hasn't been the same as he just refuses to put effort in anymore, he never wants to pleasure me and his only goal is to make himself orgasm if he can't he gets angry and shouts at me. I recently bought sex toys to spice things up and I pleasure him every single day so he can't complain that i'm not willing not try because I am and I love sex.

 

Yesterday I went on his phone and once again found "mature porn" at the top of his history. I asked him about it without getting upset or angry and asked why he needs to lie to me to which he replied "I can't feel anything when we have sex, your lazy, your too wide, your boring, I'll watch it every day until you let me take videos of you (all of which isn't true i've only ever had sex with him and i'm a petite woman and he has got a couple of videos of me on both of our phones!". For him to go behind my back and lie to me knowing how it makes me feel and knowing that this is destroying our intimacy just made my heart drop. He later apologised for what he said and we both have agreed its best he goes to the doctors to speak about his anger issues but that aside i'm just so confused. He says he loves me and wants me and it's all completely normal to watch porn but when he can't have sex properly anymore and is glued to his phone screen and being sneaky about it just makes me hate him and breaks the trust.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell any of my friends because I honestly feel so embarrassed that I clearly don't satisfy him enough anymore.

 

If anyone has been through a similar thing your advice would massively help me. I love him and I know he loves me.. This is silly and I just want to get over this. We are both young, healthy and attractive. I just want it to go back to how it used to be.

[nutbrownhare]

You may find this link helpful: [url="

 

However, your optimism about having a normal, healthy relationship may be somewhat misplaced. It's comparable to having a relationship with an addict or an alcoholic, and is likely to get worse over time.

 

What you do need to realise that this isn't about you, or any failing on your part. Please don't let yourself feel inadequate, because you really aren't. This is his problem, and don't let it affect your self esteem.

[CW18999]

Thank you for your advice. I know i'm trying not too I just don't know where it all went wrong and can't help but blame myself. He did used to be addicted to smoking weed so maybe it's his new vice.

[Andrina]

You gradually see the real person over time. The beginning, wonderful highs are never a reality. Once you see who the person really is, you decide if he's someone who meets all of your main needs, and is someone who you can be happy with, without him changing. This man is not the one. Sorry, but chemistry and love are but two mere things, by themselves, that aren't enough.

[CW18999]

I just don't know what to do anymore

[Wiseman2]

Watching porn and masturbating is usually privately done. However if your sex life is suffering look into that. He's a jerk and why are you tolerating his insults and blame game?

 

These are huge red flags Google: "warning signs for abusive relationships" and "red flags fro controlling relationships". Porn is the least of your problems here.

he can be very possessive and jealous over me, this includes men I work with and if anybody looks at me in public) so we agreed and that was that. He then started calling me crazy and jealous and blamed me for his actions. he replied "I can't feel anything when we have sex, your lazy, your too wide, your boring, I'll watch it every day until you let me take videos of you

[CW18999]

I understand that masturbating is a private thing but when he is watching porn behind my back again and again after we have already discussed how it makes us both feel is what is eating me up the most just utter disregard for me. The things he says are 100% not acceptable and I know this more than anyone and so does he, as I said he suffers with anger issues and used to have a drug addiction so I guess I'm just hoping it will get better because I love him and we have invested in this relationship for afew years. I don't know if there is anymore I can do and I am honestly loosing hope.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't "suffer" from anger issues, as if it's some disease. He willingly chooses to be abusive toward you. Yes you do know what to do. Pull your self-respect together get educated on mental abuse and leave this jerk.

 

Please read up on abusive relationships that's the problem, not porn per se:

Are you dating an abuser?

utter disregard for me. T he suffers with anger issues and used to have a drug addiction so I guess I'm just hoping it will get better because I love him and we have invested in this relationship for afew years. I don't know if there is anymore I can do and I am honestly loosing hope.

[CW18999]

Okay maybe suffer was the wrong word but he does have anger problems which he has said he will try to fix. The issue of porn is what is making us argue and therefor making him lash out and be angry. It's not always as simple of leaving when you have a house, family and commitments hence why I asking for advice on how to deal with this.

[RainyCoast]

i don't think you can take the porn thing out of context. it's part of his characterological picture. i don't know how one can have a functional marriage or family life with a person like that, but it won't happen without therapy and couples' counseling.

[Dahl]

Hello, CW and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are distressed.

 

Please also consider this - the abuse is not going to simply go away.

 

Let's imagine that with there is a wand, a wave, and the porn element vanishes.

 

As things stand, the abuse remains.

 

When you attempted to communicate with him, you were threatened and demeaned. He is not willing or able to respect your opinions and he shows no respect for your feelings.

 

Regardless of the nature of the agreements that you two made, you two made them. When one didn't suit his interests, he simply did as he pleased and when you protest, he abuses you.

 

This is not an acceptable or sustainable model for a functional relationship.

 

Even if the impetus for one conflict is removed, the manner in which you two are interacting stays the same and this dynamic is hurtful, damaging and will continue to worsen.

 

If you are looking to continue the relationship with this fellow, how are you going to manage this?

 

Please don't ignore the red flags, here.