Michele32 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Together for over 3 years.. I moved out November 15th. For the most part I have been doing ok- no contact. I didn't want the break up. I have been happy but he was it for me- I wanted him for the rest of my life. And maybe in the back of my mind I always thought he would come back to me. Onto December - I had heard he was "friends" with this girl. Then about a week ago- suspicions were true that they were together. The thing that gets me is that this seems so unfair. I didn't want the break up- I had/have to suffer while he gets to just be happy and in love again? I don't get it. I have tried to date people too but I can't- I'm still healing. It makes me so upset that I'm just so quickly replaced and they are together doing things and having fun while I can't even get anyone to hang out with me on a Friday night. I don't get it. It hurts so bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sorry to hear this. You are right breakups are unfair because while it takes two to have a relationship, it on't takes one to break up. How did you "hear he was dating"? It may be best not to keep tabs or scan his social media. What were the reasons for the breakup? Did you move back to your parents? Or did you go away to a different school? I moved out November 15th.It makes me so upset that I'm just so quickly replaced and they are together doing things and having fun while I can't even get anyone to hang out with me on a Friday night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sorry to hear this. You are right breakups are unfair because while it takes two to have a relationship, it on't takes one to break up. How did you "hear he was dating"? It may be best not to keep tabs or scan his social media. What were the reasons for the breakup? Did you move back to your parents? Or did you go away to a different school? Im not on Facebook- and we don't follow each other on Instagram and his profile is private. I heard through a friend. We live in a small town and know a lot of the same people. We had an on again off again relationship. So there was a lot of insecurity on my part in him actually wanting to be with me or simply settling for me. We had a couple bad fights around October and then he just turned so cold and distant but I was fighting for it because he had fought for me so many times. I tried for a whole month before I didn't have a choice to walk. He meant so much to me and was my best friend and we had so much fun together and now knowing he's doing that with someone else breaks my heart. I know it's selfish but I want him to be happy with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 You just have to get yourself out there again. Meet new men, keep yourself busy. It gets better with time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I'm sorry that you know about this - make sure you can't access more information. Of course breakups can have a lot of unfairness but remember you're assuming he is having so much fun with her, etc. It's not supposed to be "fair" - it's not in everyone's control to meet a person to date let alone the right person to date regularly, etc. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you can stop the comparison game with him -his life has nothing to do with yours. Now you have the freedom to meet someone new! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 You just have to get yourself out there again. Meet new men, keep yourself busy. It gets better with time. I have actually been having a lot of fun and getting out there and doing things. I think I am sensitive right now because I have been dating but they have all gone south -because I'm still healing and not ready. So it is just frustrating that he's "ready" and I'm not. But it's all about me - I know that. And focusing on my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 I'm sorry that you know about this - make sure you can't access more information. Of course breakups can have a lot of unfairness but remember you're assuming he is having so much fun with her, etc. It's not supposed to be "fair" - it's not in everyone's control to meet a person to date let alone the right person to date regularly, etc. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you can stop the comparison game with him -his life has nothing to do with yours. Now you have the freedom to meet someone new! I know and it has been very exciting and fun but frustrating that I'm not there yet. I do want to be in love again and I know it will happen when it's supposed to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 He's probably been "ready" since the fighting and unfortunately you aren't because you spent too much time "fighting for it". Being on/off is a huge red flag, especially if you were living together. Perhaps he hated living together and being tied down? Why did you keep breaking up with him in the past? What do you mean "fought for you"? Maybe he got tired of that? Overall it was too conflicted and unstable. We had a couple bad fights around October and then he just turned so cold and distant but I was fighting for it because he had fought for me so many times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I know and it has been very exciting and fun but frustrating that I'm not there yet. I do want to be in love again and I know it will happen when it's supposed to. I suppose -never been a fan of passively relying on fate when it comes to love -if you mean feeling a loving feeling -sure that can wash over you at any time -but finding a long term relationship? I'm a big fan -when you're ready- of being proactive and putting in the time and effort to meet people -men and women - be out there and use every resource you can to meet someone, if your goal is a long term relationship and especially if you want to try to have a biological child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I have actually been having a lot of fun and getting out there and doing things. I think I am sensitive right now because I have been dating but they have all gone south -because I'm still healing and not ready. So it is just frustrating that he's "ready" and I'm not. But it's all about me - I know that. And focusing on my life. Good= do NOT try to get involved again when you KNOW you're not ready. Don't follow whatever he's doing. One always hurts more than the other after a BU been there. Could be possible that he was 'mentally' and emotionally removing himself from your relationship before you were even aware things were going down. That happens often. This is why he's 'able' to move on faster... I know.. it hurts so badly Which is why I am saying. Don't go there! You are nowhere near ready to move on again.... You NEED to work on accepting & healing from this pain... can take months. And you should know and feel that at this time, you can't 'give' to anyone. You are not mentally or emotionally sound. So- take your down time to work on getting better. See it as you tried.. and he left.. his loss Takes much time to work on healing.. from a 'loss'. Tc.. you're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x17c6 Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I'm really sorry. Reading this actually made me upset because your story is pretty much the same as mine. We were together for three years, however my ex fell in love with his new partner while we were still together. Well done for doing no contact, you are stronger than me. My ex and I have limited contact. When your ex moves on so quickly, it makes you feel like the relationship meant nothing to them which is very painful when the relationship meant everything to you. You have to adjust to life without your partner. You have to rearrange your future. You no longer have the security of the relationship. You hope that it doesn't work out for them. You feel foolish while you wait for him to realise what you both had together. People keep telling you that it will take time to heal and that what you feel is normal. I wonder how a pain this intense could ever be normal. I've learned that I have to take every day as it comes. If I feel sad I just tell myself that I'm having a bad day and better days are on their way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich46 Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Yeah, the dumper usually deliberates over the break up in the weeks/months before pulling the trigger, and as such is on the way to being 'over it' long before the dumpee. Unfortunately, he had a head start on you and that is why it is absolutely critical to go complete and utter no contact to avoid hearing about his life, new girl, whatever. Definitely got to try to focus on yourself right now instead of comparing with his life. I know it is hard in the early stages. If it helps, then remember that things aren't always as they seem. Your ex may experience his emptiness further down the road, perhaps after the honeymoon period with this new girl ends. Quite common for an ex who has been deliberating over pulling the trigger to feel great relief after finally doing so, and will be on a high for a period of time. But that won't last forever, and reality will eventually set in again. Not saying he will come back to you, just saying that his immediate future may not be the bed of roses that you are building it up to be in your mind. However, this is of no real relevance to you anymore. Just accept that life is not fair, you are not the only one to experience this, and look upon it as a time to reflect on what you contributed to the break up. Learn from it, grow as a person, and you will eventually be glad for the experience since you will ultimately be an improved version of yourself for the next relationship. And there will be a next one! Take your time to learn and heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Thanks everyone for the kind words. I'm staying busy and doing what makes me happy. I'm really trying to not think about it but easier said than done. He is out of sight out of mind though. I have been feeling really depressed lately but I know that feeling will pass eventually. I know others have gone through this and people make it out and are doing great. I see if first hand and it's relieving to see that. Any other advice/kindness would help right now so please don't stop this thread need all the support I can get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kel224 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Michele32, I can relate in a lot of ways. My ex-gf broke up with me after 3 years. We'd just moved in together and were still talking about marriage just a couple of months before she dropped the bomb. I'm not sure the extent of the emotional/physical cheating that was most likely happening, but she was in a relationship with her "good friend" and sleeping with him in my bed within days (I'd started staying with my sister right after the breakup to give each other space). From what I gather, they're basically living together already. The breakup happened at the end of October, and I went no contact pretty much once I finished moving and told her good riddance. Advice? Well, I still struggle with difficult emotions. Lots of anger, sadness and some loneliness. Plenty of guilt for things I wish I'd done differently during the relationship. It's really easy to feel insignificant and replaceable when this kind of thing happens. Like you, I've switched from looking for second chance stories to preferring stories about people that turn these lemons into really sweet lemonade. I know they're out there, but also that we ultimately have to write that story for ourselves. You've got the right attitude knowing that this will eventually pass, and I'm no fortune teller but feel like you're going to come out of this awesomely even if it feels like it's taking forever. For me, I'm in remarkably better shape these days, starting to pick up momentum again in my PhD program, and slowly re-building a social life that took a nosedive when I started grad school. If you haven't given them a try yet- vigorous exercise, journaling, and playing my guitar have all helped me a lot. Reflecting on the ways I've grown and what I've learned since the split has also been helpful. I was never huge on Valentine's day, but this year is particularly rough for obvious reasons. Just know that you're not at all alone, and that you'll be making your own lemonade soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Michele32, I can relate in a lot of ways. My ex-gf broke up with me after 3 years. We'd just moved in together and were still talking about marriage just a couple of months before she dropped the bomb. I'm not sure the extent of the emotional/physical cheating that was most likely happening, but she was in a relationship with her "good friend" and sleeping with him in my bed within days (I'd started staying with my sister right after the breakup to give each other space). From what I gather, they're basically living together already. The breakup happened at the end of October, and I went no contact pretty much once I finished moving and told her good riddance. Advice? Well, I still struggle with difficult emotions. Lots of anger, sadness and some loneliness. Plenty of guilt for things I wish I'd done differently during the relationship. It's really easy to feel insignificant and replaceable when this kind of thing happens. Like you, I've switched from looking for second chance stories to preferring stories about people that turn these lemons into really sweet lemonade. I know they're out there, but also that we ultimately have to write that story for ourselves. You've got the right attitude knowing that this will eventually pass, and I'm no fortune teller but feel like you're going to come out of this awesomely even if it feels like it's taking forever. For me, I'm in remarkably better shape these days, starting to pick up momentum again in my PhD program, and slowly re-building a social life that took a nosedive when I started grad school. If you haven't given them a try yet- vigorous exercise, journaling, and playing my guitar have all helped me a lot. Reflecting on the ways I've grown and what I've learned since the split has also been helpful. I was never huge on Valentine's day, but this year is particularly rough for obvious reasons. Just know that you're not at all alone, and that you'll be making your own lemonade soon! Thank you for sharing and saying all this. As much as I hate that other people are going through the same thing, it is also very comforting knowing I am not alone. I have a great support system and have been active in the outdoors and forcing myself to do things. I don't like Valentine's Day and it was never celebrated so there isn't any reason for me to be upset. I do get upset thinking that he might do something different for her or even giving her flowers would really hurt my feelings (the only time he gave me flowers was when I was mad at him). But I know what everyone would say - that it's not any of my business and it is not relevant. That's what I need to remind myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 What everyone should say is feel what you feel - you can't control your feelings, then choose how to react to the feelings including maybe a choice of distraction (like exercise). Reminding is good and better is finding go-to ways that put those feelings in the proper place - off your main radar, off to the side, minimized. Sometimes mantras work (meaning general ones not specific about him) or exercise, cleaning your kitchen, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michele32 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Wow, it is weird what happens. Assumption is a brutal thing to have. Me assuming that he was happy with his new girlfriend and everything was great was just that, an assumption. I learned from a friend (he's friends with the new gf too) that my ex has been treating her really poorly and they aren't on good terms at all right now and she even called him selfish. And FYI- this information was voluntary ... I haven't asked/talked about him at all and I have been doing wonderful. I feel bad for feeling better after hearing the news because a) it isn't my business at all and b) I sort of wish I did have positive thoughts for him and wish him well vs wishing things to go sour. All in time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich46 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Wow, it is weird what happens. Assumption is a brutal thing to have. Me assuming that he was happy with his new girlfriend and everything was great was just that, an assumption. You're welcome: If it helps, then remember that things aren't always as they seem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Wow, it is weird what happens. Assumption is a brutal thing to have. Me assuming that he was happy with his new girlfriend and everything was great was just that, an assumption. I learned from a friend (he's friends with the new gf too) that my ex has been treating her really poorly and they aren't on good terms at all right now and she even called him selfish. And FYI- this information was voluntary ... I haven't asked/talked about him at all and I have been doing wonderful. I feel bad for feeling better after hearing the news because a) it isn't my business at all and b) I sort of wish I did have positive thoughts for him and wish him well vs wishing things to go sour. All in time What's also brutal is to continue getting information on an ex. Please tell your friends never ever to mention your ex to you. Ever. My friends did not -the only time was when exes got engaged, friends told me because they thought it was better if I heard it from them and they were right in those cases. Also what your friend told you is gossip so don't assume that it's true, that it means anything - even if true could just be a snapshot in time that got escalated (which happens often especially with social media). One of my exes has been married 15-20 years to someone who apparently was cold to him/treated him poorly. Whatever - could mean something, nothing or in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missocean Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I think that assuming that he has already moved on and is happy with the new gf may actually be helpful to you. It puts an end to your hope of getting back together and allows you to truly heal and move on. You two are no longer together, so what he does is none of your business anyway. Ultimately you want to get to the point of indifference. Also, please don't doubt that your 3-yr relationship was equally significant to him as it was to you. If it seems like he moved on so quickly, it is because he's been detaching from you for several weeks or months before he dumped you. He had a head start. Now you have to catch up. You can do it. Millions of people did it before you and millions will after you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
36
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.