Too Fast??

[ImJake]

I am 49 year old man and have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for 1½ years. She’s early 40’s. We both love each other very much. I am crazy for her. We are affectionate, best friends, and have a very healthy intimate relationship. Every phone call and every “Good Night” ends with an “I love you.”

 

We are both divorced – She almost 2 years, myself 3 years. Currently she lives at her parents’ house with her middle school daughter, and I live alone in my house.

 

My GF stays with me on Thursday nights and spends every other Fri & Sat with me. That’s about 8 nights a month. Sometimes a bonus day here and there. So maybe 10 nights a month if it’s a good one. It gets really tough spending so little time with her and so much time alone without her.

 

After about a year of dating, I asked her about moving in together into a house. Her immediate reaction was its too soon and suggested we wait. Fair enough. Though I was sad and surprised about her answer, we decided to wait. She did go on to say we should start looking for houses beginning Jan 1st which was about 4 months away.

 

Come January we did start looking for houses. We searched online and also visited a new home builder. During the month I realized I was the one showing the enthusiasm and excitement. Doing all the home searches, sending photos to her, daydreaming, planning, etc. So we talked and she admitted that she’s still not ready and wants to wait.

 

I have a great relationship with her daughter. One that I hope to grow and we become closer. I also have 2 daughters of my own. Everyone has met and gets along. My daughters do live with their mother.

 

We have gone on a few vacations together. Sometimes I visit her at work for lunch and sometimes her parents invite me over for dinner. Still, we spend more time apart than we spend together. We spend more evenings texting our “Good Nights” than actually saying it in person.

 

So my GF is not ready to move in with me. She assures me that eventually she does and that she doesn’t want to live with her parents forever and that “One Day” we will move in together. I tell her this worries me and makes me wonder about our future. She then assures me that in her words everything will be ok. I ask how long she is planning with living with her parents and she replies, “I don’t know, but it’s not going to be years and years!” Presently, she rather live with her parents than me and seems pretty content to live with them.

 

There isn’t a financial hardship if we do move in together as we worked out our budget and contributions. We made some compromises, but did come to an agreement.

 

I have a serious GF, but I feel so lonely. I spend too many nights alone. I’m tired of too many days coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone, and waking up mornings by myself. It really is starting to affect me. I’m sad, I’m hurting, and I have been up all hours of the night.

 

She doesn’t want to get married anytime soon. However, I do hope we end up Husband and Wife, which she again says she hopes so “One Day.”

So men and women reading this, I am seeking some advice and insight from both males and females. Am I moving too fast? She tells me constantly that she loves me. She wants to be in a relationship with me. She says I’m the one for her. So why doesn’t she want to progress? Any ideas what she is waiting for?

 

She wants to wait. I don't want to keep waiting and waiting...Especially when we don't know for how long. I don't know what to do.

[JaggerJim]

Does she work? Are there hidden perks for her to continue living at home?

[nutbrownhare]

I guess it depends on the person, but it can take five years to get over a divorce, and she's probably still processing all the fallout from her failed marriage. One and a half years isn't very long, either, and you are still getting to know each other.

 

I think the real problem here isn't the lack of contact, or her feelings for you, but the fact that you don't have much of a life outside your relationship. This is leaving you feeling empty and overly dependent on her as the source of good things in your life.

 

Even if you were living together, it would be very healthy for you to develop other interests and hobbies, and have more of a social life. This would alleviate your loneliness and help you bring more to the relationship; if you do this, the chances are that your sense of waiting and waiting will lessen considerably.

[gebaird]

It sounds like she hasn't healed from her divorce. She also probably enjoys the lower cost of living at mom & dad's, and she's not alone nearly as often as you are. I think she's just not feeling any discomfort and therefore sees no reason to change. The fact that she can't give you even an approximate timeline (and pulled back on the January timeframe) is a bad sign. As I see it, your options are:

 

1) Keep doing what you're doing and hope for the best

2) Give her an ultimatum and risk losing her

3) End the relationship

 

The circumstances of her divorce may be a factor. It really can take years to heal sometimes. I think you just need to weight the pros and cons and decide what you can handle.

[ImJake]

Does she work? Are there hidden perks for her to continue living at home?

 

Yes, we both are working professionals with decent salaries. It is true that she does save a mortgage payment living with parents. I hope that's not the reason. She would say so if it were.

[JaggerJim]

Yes, we both are working professionals with decent salaries. It is true that she does save a mortgage payment living with parents. I hope that's not the reason. She would say so if it were.

 

Hmmmm. It would appear deep down, I'm sure that has something to do with it.

[ImJake]

I guess it depends on the person, but it can take five years to get over a divorce, and she's probably still processing all the fallout from her failed marriage. One and a half years isn't very long, either, and you are still getting to know each other.

 

I think the real problem here isn't the lack of contact, or her feelings for you, but the fact that you don't have much of a life outside your relationship. This is leaving you feeling empty and overly dependent on her as the source of good things in your life.

 

Even if you were living together, it would be very healthy for you to develop other interests and hobbies, and have more of a social life. This would alleviate your loneliness and help you bring more to the relationship; if you do this, the chances are that your sense of waiting and waiting will lessen considerably.

 

You do bring up some good points.

 

I do work out daily for health and to keep busy, However I do spend too much time on social media, and have been meaning to join some small church groups. I guess it's time I move into action. Thank you for this.

[Naomi99]

It's good that she's voicing she isn't ready.

 

It's better she's taking her sweet old time instead of making a hasty decision.

[nutbrownhare]

It's better she's taking her sweet old time instead of making a hasty decision.

 

This ^^^. If it's any consolation, I absolutely adore my partner, really see us being together for the foreseeable future... but we've only been together for around eighteen months and I'm not ready to take the step of moving in together, either. Your lady will need to think even more carefully because she'll have her daughter with her, and her welfare needs to be taken into consideration, too.

 

Last time I lived with a guy it was an absolute nightmare, and to say I'm cautious is a bit of an understatement. You don't state the reason for her divorce, but it could be that your partner is still somewhat traumatised.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. Just merely differences. With children involved she is smart to take her time in making this decision.

 

I agree with nutbrownhare's advice. You should use this time to fill your life with things outside of this relationship.

 

I think you are already onto that. It might very well change the way you look at things.

[pippy longstocking]

I guess it depends on the person, but it can take five years to get over a divorce, and she's probably still processing all the fallout from her failed marriage. One and a half years isn't very long, either, and you are still getting to know each other.

 

I think the real problem here isn't the lack of contact, or her feelings for you, but the fact that you don't have much of a life outside your relationship. This is leaving you feeling empty and overly dependent on her as the source of good things in your life.

 

Even if you were living together, it would be very healthy for you to develop other interests and hobbies, and have more of a social life. This would alleviate your loneliness and help you bring more to the relationship; if you do this, the chances are that your sense of waiting and waiting will lessen considerably.

 

save me typing out a long answer ..^^^ this covers my thoughts as well

[KantSleep]

I am in your general age bracket. Been dating a man for 20 months. We each have our own places. but stay together a bit more frequently than you (most weekends, maybe one or two nights during the week). I went through a period where I was a bit needy. MY BF travels a bit, and there were times we just weren't spending time together. I realized that before I met him, I was quite independent. Suddenly I was turning into a dependent person. I had to step back and realize he can't be my everything. I got back to filling my spare time the way I used to - with friends, family and my sons. Definitely try to step up your social life for the times she isn't around (as mentioned by another poster). As far as her dragging her feet a bit about moving in, I think 2 years out of a divorce isn't that much time. She probably just wants to be sure. In my case, we have talked about moving in and/or marriage. What concerns me a bit about this is finances. I have told my BF I am on board with this if the finances make sense. What I mean by that is if we should marry, I want my kids to get an inheritance. I have been beat up financially in the past and my kids and I suffered because of this. Should I die first, how do I ensure my kids get what I want them to have? That's not to say I want to leave the BF homeless, but I do own my home and I want my kids to benefit from this some day... So for me, finances is a concern. Perhaps for her it is too. Just a few ideas here. I hope it turns out well.

[Matt3939]

You mentioned going out and looking at homes. Yes you both might make enough $$ but that's a huge step. She might just not be ready. When I had to move back in with my parents urg. I saved up and bought a place I could rent if need be. That way if I find someone in the future. It goes well (we) can buy a place and rent my place. That way if everything goes down hill I don't loose everything again. She probably views living with her parents as constantly stable.

[j.man]

I was actually thinking her daughter would be the big consideration. One year is quick on its own, nevermind when there's a child in the mix. If she plays it safe for her and her kid, it'll likely be at least another.

[catfeeder]

If you love her enough, why not propose marriage? She may have an issue about cohabitating with a middle-school aged daughter. She may not want to model adult sexual relationships as casual or disposable. If you were both engaged, that might make a difference to her. I'd talk about it with her.