I think he was after sex

[LadyBug1988]

So I think I got my answer

 

This is sort of a follow up to my last thread. I've been dating this guy I met on Tinder since December and things had been going fantastic since two weekends ago. He'd plan multiple dates with me each week and contact me throughout the day, and really make me feel like he cared.

 

The weekend before last I decided to sleep with him after a romantic outing and it was a disaster. I felt terribly awkward and undesired and although he continued to initiate regular contact with me, he didn't plan another date for 7 days.

 

Sunday we had a great date together going out shopping, and having dinner then doing our own Super Bowl party at his place. We tried again and it was phenomenal and we were both very happy after. That night while I was sleeping after I left his place he texted me a picture of the perfect red dress he wants me to wear on Valentines Day and that he enjoyed our time together after I let him know I got home safely.

 

Everything changed yesterday (Monday). I responded to the red dress text in the morning when I woke up and he texted back good morning and I heard nothing until 8:00pm. Finally he texted me that he had a crazy day and asked how mine was. He usually texts throughout the day and uses tons of emojis, and also makes plans to see from for the week. He made no plans and his texts seemed short and effortless.

 

I matched his lack of enthusiasm since I'm not excited to talk to anyone who isn't excited to talk to me, and he started sending me long paragraphs about some meaningless encounter with a co-worker. I wasn't really feeling his energy or the conversation until he told me awesome news about getting the promotion he's been fighting for.

 

So I was very excited for him and told him how proud of him I was and how much he deserves it (which he truly does). He's worked super hard for this and I'm very happy for him. So after I gave him a caring response, he told me he was going to bed and he sent me the kiss and princess emojis he always does.

 

That was the weirdest text exchange between us ever, and I'm starting to feel like he's losing interest. I have Saturday and Sunday training out of state this weekend and he has not made any plans to see each other through the week. I feel like he plans to do a slow fade and use the promotion as an excuse not to see me anymore. I feel like just walking away with my dignity at this point and not contacting him anymore. I feel like we should be closer after sex, especially since it worked out this time.

 

I feel like he wasn't as into me as he thought and is now planning his escape. I'm ready to give him one because now I don't trust him because of his shady energy shift.

[greta96]

I think it's much too soon to tell he's changed, or that he was only after sex. What I think happened is that after sex, you are now more emotionally attached to him, more vulnerable, and magnify every probably insignificant detail to the max. Us women do tend to become more paranoid right after sex (especially the first time) because deep down we always fear the guys only wanted one thing and would ghost once they got it.

Maybe he had a busy day at work and other things on his mind (such as his promotion), which changed the tone of his texts a bit, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the newly formed bond after sex, who knows? But it doesn't mean that he is going to fade on you.

 

Just be patient and wait and see what he does next. Do not start sending him messages to ask for reassurance that everything is ok, no matter how tempting that is. Do not confront him about the 'change' you perceived, because it will make you sound clingy and insecure and that's not the image you want to project. Men seem to think women always become emotional and clingy after sex, and they fear it. So, don't do it. Watch his actions in the days to come, they will spell everything out for you.

 

PS - I do know what you're going through, and sympathize. This period of time right after sex with someone new is always nerve wrecking, because of the unknown and because we are more vulnerable than normal. The waiting game sucks. But hopefully he will contact you to make plans and everything will be ok

[LadyBug1988]

I think it's much too soon to tell he's changed, or that he was only after sex. What I think happened is that after sex, you are now more emotionally attached to him, more vulnerable, and magnify every probably insignificant detail to the max. Us women do tend to become more paranoid right after sex (especially the first time) because deep down we always fear the guys only wanted one thing and would ghost once they got it.

Maybe he had a busy day at work and other things on his mind (such as his promotion), which changed the tone of his texts a bit, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the newly formed bond after sex, who knows? But it doesn't mean that he is going to fade on you.

 

Just be patient and wait and see what he does next. Do not start sending him messages to ask for reassurance that everything is ok, no matter how tempting that is. Do not confront him about the 'change' you perceived, because it will make you sound clingy and insecure and that's not the image you want to project. Men seem to think women always become emotional and clingy after sex, and they fear it. So, don't do it. Watch his actions in the days to come, they will spell everything out for you.

 

PS - I do know what you're going through, and sympathize. This period of time right after sex with someone new is always nerve wrecking, because of the unknown and because we are more vulnerable than normal. The waiting game sucks. But hopefully he will contact you to make plans and everything will be ok

 

You're probably right, I do feel very vulnerable and I hate it. It's like I just want an answer but I don't want to be that psycho needy girlfriend. Part of me really wants this to turn into something great (because I care a ton for him), but the other part of me remembers everything terrible the men in my past have done and I just want to run away.

 

I feel so exposed I probably wouldn't even know how to act around him in person. I seriously want to run the other way, and I'm waiting for him to give me a reason to like everybody else. The truth is, he hasn't yet which is even scarier.

[greta96]

You're probably right, I do feel very vulnerable and I hate it. It's like I just want an answer but I don't want to be that psycho needy girlfriend. Part of me really wants this to turn into something great (because I care a ton for him), but the other part of me remembers everything terrible the men in my past have done and I just want to run away.

 

I feel so exposed I probably wouldn't even know how to act around him in person. I seriously want to run the other way, and I'm waiting for him to give me a reason to like everybody else. The truth is, he hasn't yet which is even scarier.

 

Exactly! You are letting the past influence the present, but what you need to realize is that this guy is not your exes, he is a completely different person so it's not fair to judge him or expect the worst only based on other people's past actions. Give him a chance to prove himself first. I know it's hard to be patient in cases like this, but really it's the only thing you can do.

Try to distract yourself with other stuff and hopefully you will have your answer soon!

[LadyBug1988]

I just now saw that he was last on Tinder 2 days ago! He got what he wanted and now he's on to the next...

 

He didn't test me goodnight until 9 last night and it was the typical long paragraphs about trivial nonsense. I responded an hour later with a a simple "gn".

 

He's been on FB all morning and has not texted me, and I have the feeling he won't again. I feel so stupid. I've already ended our relationship in my heart and mind, now I'm going to end it with him in a few days after I'm completely over him.

[Ms Darcy]

You met a guy on a hookup site, you guys weren't in a relationship, and you slept with him without knowing the status of your relationship.

 

While I think it's bad form for him to be back on the dating site, it doesn't seem like you guys had an exclusive relationship.

[LadyBug1988]

You met a guy on a hookup site, you guys weren't in a relationship, and you slept with him without knowing the status of your relationship.

 

While I think it's bad form for him to be back on the dating site, it doesn't seem like you guys had an exclusive relationship.

 

So what should I do? He told me he wanted something long term with me, he cared for me and felt like I'm girlfriend material. Made (and paid for) plans way into the future with me, and has been making plans since Sunday. He said we were exclusive and he wasn't interested in talking to other ppl.

[LadyBug1988]

After taking a better look at his profile, I noticed he changed his age to "91" to make himself unsearchable. Well unless a woman is looking for old men.

[Betterwithout]

IMO, either of four things happened here...

 

1) He either lied to you about wanting a serious relationship, talks about red dress/Valentines date, etc. and just wanted to get laid (so sorry if that is the case)

or

2) He is on the rebound from a previous relationship (do you know how long it's been since last relationship)

or

3) He has his eyes (recently or in the last few months) or another. (Tinder is a flighty app...many on for hook-ups only)

or

4) The promotion is the biggest thing on his mind right now, and he might be anxious about it and very driven to succeed which takes away his focus on you at the moment

 

Just as a side note: Women AND Men go through the vulnerable emotions after sex. It's possible that he is anxious about a future with you at this stage too.

 

Hope it all works out fine in the end for you.

[reinventmyself]

I am reading this differently.

 

My guess is you are feeling seriously vulnerable. Understandable.

You have crossed over to being intimate with him and now something is at stake.

 

I objectively read all your text exchanges and I don't see anything unordinary about them.

I think it's typical when two people cross over into further stages of dating, that they step back and reevaluate before they proceed further.

It's prudent and smart, honestly.

The thing is to not let it trip you up like it is now. Take a deep breath and have some faith.

 

I do however have an issue with the online profile. I would have made my boundary clear on that before I took my clothes off.

Changing his age may seem sneaky. . At the same he intentions may be good.

 

Give this some room to breath and grow. Talk to him about the profile.

If he's on the same page you are, he won't risk losing you over it.

[LadyBug1988]

I do however have an issue with the online profile. I would have made my boundary clear on that before I took my clothes off.

Changing his age may seem sneaky. . At the same he intentions may be good.

 

Give this some room to breath and grow. Talk to him about the profile.

If he's on the same page you are, he won't risk losing you over it.

 

When we first started dating he asked me if I was dating other people and we both said we weren't. After we tried sleeping together two weeks ago and failed I started to feel like he wasn't attracted to me and asked him if he was interested in seeing other people. He wanted to know what was making me nervous and told me of course he would tell me and that he was attracted to me.

 

After we successfully slept together on Sunday I noticed (based on Tinder) that he logged in the very next day, Monday. I saw red cause I felt like the day after he got what he wanted he went back to find a new conquest. After I calmed down a bit and looked at his profile, I noticed he was now "91" when he was previously "30". He also didn't unmatch me, which still gives me access to his profile. If unmatches me, then I'm blocked with no access. I have taken tons of beautiful pictures of him since we met and he hasn't updated any on Tinder, nor any of the content on his profile.

 

I also realize that I never initiate anything. I never make plans to see him or call or text him first and that may be why he was so confused about my feelings. I guess I haven't been thinking about my own actions because I have been so determined to find something wrong w/ his.

 

Today I asked him if it was okay if I gave him a call at 7:30, and he got all scared thinking I'm pregnant or I don't want to see him anymore. That made me feel bad so I told him never mind, the Groupon I saw with the vacation I wanted to talk about had expired. He told me he was free all night if I wanted to call anyway, so I think I might and just have a normal conversation about fun stuff.

[LadyBug1988]

IMO, either of four things happened here...

 

1) He either lied to you about wanting a serious relationship, talks about red dress/Valentines date, etc. and just wanted to get laid (so sorry if that is the case)

or

2) He is on the rebound from a previous relationship (do you know how long it's been since last relationship)

or

3) He has his eyes (recently or in the last few months) or another. (Tinder is a flighty app...many on for hook-ups only)

or

4) The promotion is the biggest thing on his mind right now, and he might be anxious about it and very driven to succeed which takes away his focus on you at the moment

 

Just as a side note: Women AND Men go through the vulnerable emotions after sex. It's possible that he is anxious about a future with you at this stage too.

 

Hope it all works out fine in the end for you.

 

Well he was in a 5 year relationship that ended about 4 months before we met. I told him I was worried he was rebounding and he was very strong in that he was not and he's completely over it. He said that relationship died very slowly and was a long time coming. He said they even tried to work it out, but it just want working. He said being with her made him realize what he can and can't deal with, and he knows more about what he wants from a partner.

 

I've been hearing about that promotion every day, I've literally gone through the process with him. It's not really a promotion, he's in a training program, and he was fighting with a bunch of other trainees to get it. He found out he got it on Tuesday and is now very happy.

 

I have the feeling he's questioning why I'm so reserved and afraid to initiate anything, and why I'm so quick to run away from him. I feel like I need to really think about things, especially my own actions.

 

This is the most serious I've been with anyone in almost 3 years, and the first I've slept with in that time.

[Batya33]

"I've been hearing about that promotion every day, I've literally gone through the process with him. It's not really a promotion, he's in a training program, and he was fighting with a bunch of other trainees to get it. He found out he got it on Tuesday and is now very happy."

 

Do you think he overdid it including you in his enthusiasm? If you want to be serious with him then understand work is a big part of his life, especially promotions/training programs.

[Betterwithout]

LadyBug1988. I just read your post "Horrific First Time Sex".

If this is the same guy? have you had sex since the first time? If so did it work out ok?

Guys can be self-conscious too, especially if erection doesn't happen (due to psychological), maybe he is worried sexual compatibility isn't there between you two?

[LadyBug1988]

LadyBug1988. I just read your post "Horrific First Time Sex".

If this is the same guy? have you had sex since the first time? If so did it work out ok?

Guys can be self-conscious too, especially if erection doesn't happen (due to psychological), maybe he is worried sexual compatibility isn't there between you two?

 

He was incredible this time, so I don't think sexual compatibility is an issue anymore for him. I just video chatted him and we had a normal conversation, I'm just going to let things go back to normal.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you are trying to literally read meaning into his words by looking at his texts and profile and drawing meaning.

 

What I would suggest is not sleeping with him again until you are in a relationship - because you are clearly freaked out he's losing interest after sex.

[mbee]

I agree with other posters. I read the whole thread and nothing sounds bad in my opinion. I also get very nervous and vulnerable after having sex for the first time with someone and start overanalyzing and freaking out.

 

You might be the first person he's seriously dated in years. Yes, he got out of a relationship fairly recently but he wasn't dating anyone else in those 5 years he was in a relationship. If he's 30, that means he's been out of the dating game since he was 25. A lot has changed since then! After 7 dates, you should be making more of an effort. For all you know, he saw you were online on Tinder and got upset as well. He also might have gotten a notification on Tinder and logged on to change his settings. Given he changed his age, that makes sense to me. I met my ex at a speed dating event and kept getting notifications. I logged on to deactivate the notifications but my ex easily could have went on and wondered why I was logged onto this site.

 

I think you should treat him normally and see how things go. He sounds like he's into you and after 7 dates, I think the texting interaction is normal. He's probably letting his guard down and allowing you to see him annoyed. You can't always be super happy and positive when you have conversations via text. I'd also try to plan a date with him or give him a call sometimes. You may be coming off as disinterested. You don't have to plan every date, but you can suggest something fun to do together since he may also be feeling vulnerable as well. Good luck!

[reinventmyself]

I have the feeling he's questioning why I'm so reserved and afraid to initiate anything, and why I'm so quick to run away from him. I feel like I need to really think about things, especially my own actions.

 

This is good introspection. You need to remember that men have insecurities as well and if you are giving him the impression that you are checking exits for escape and you don't trust him, it ruins the experience for him. Doing what you are doing doesn't make a man move closer to reassure you. It often has the opposite effect and they will pull away as well.

 

You need to trust yourself a little more, trust that you have what it takes to handle whatever happens and give this guy signs you are indeed interested as well.

[surfdiva]

I agree with other posters. I read the whole thread and nothing sounds bad in my opinion. I also get very nervous and vulnerable after having sex for the first time with someone and start overanalyzing and freaking out.

 

 

I agree with this. I think everyone...both men and women feel vulnerable after sex. I think he may have felt especially vulnerable after the first encounter that didn't happen.

 

Try to stop overthinking things, take them as they come and enjoy his company.

[supermannnn]

I'm a 50 year old virgin.

[Zippy2000]

I also realize that I never initiate anything. I never make plans to see him or call or text him first and that may be why he was so confused about my feelings. I guess I haven't been thinking about my own actions because I have been so determined to find something wrong w/ his..

 

I think you answered your whole thread in this paragraph. I noticed earlier in your post it was always him making plans.

 

No wonder the poor lad is confused. You show no interest!

[Atlantis]

Sex works differently for woman. I think you are overthinking about everything. I also think that now you are seeking commitment. But hey, two people make a relationship. I see that you always wait for him to make the first move. Call first, text first, plan the meetings first.. What do you have to offer other than judging his every move? He is back on tinder? How do you know? Why are YOU on tinder checking on him or whatever? Do you realize your own insecurities? Dont let your fears overrun this relationship.