I have a sexual arousal problem with this woman.

[pippy longstocking]

Going back to the mind having control as opposed to the penis

 

you said

 

she's awesome in other ways, and that is more important and more mature in being serious relationship material.

 

So that tells me you are associating a mature serious relationship with vanilla sex ... so to start you have to be mindful that vanilla does not = mature/adult/serious

 

Or do you mean that to settle for someone with other qualities and not your sexual taste is mature on your part ...because you don't have to settle for less then you want , it doesn't make this any less serious ...

 

I don't know how far you are talking about ..but the background to BDSM people is something I have mused over with friends , very interesting subject , what leads us to the sex that turns us on most .

[pippy longstocking]

 

i don't know how to upload it Wiseman2 style.

 

not to derail though, are you any closer to a solution OP?

 

hahaha I can relate to that expression !!

[RainyCoast]

but in all seriousness we are still thinking of his penis.

 

god we're getting banned pipps. countdown. lol. i'm not even high.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Actually tonight, she was acting much more distant and reserved compared to before all evening. Perhaps I did something to turn her off. We'll see. But if so, and it doesn't work out, maybe it will be a non-issue with her anyway. We actually haven't had sex yet, but she tried giving foreplay to me and I couldn't get hard so I got concerned.

 

As for having a Madonna complex, I am not sure. I never thought about that.

[gone]

you sound kind of young. Give it time for an emotional connection to develop and solidify and the physical intimacy will develop. As long as you continue to only think about yourself, you won't connect with her and you will have problems. I'm not surprised she is pulling away.

[cherubrock]

Maybe try to guide this girl into role-playing as a "naughty" girl. I think everyone is naughty in different ways...just not everyone is overtly naughty...what do you think made you only into "naughty" girls? porn? your first experiences? I think you're being sort of black and white like thinking girls are only "good" or "bad". Maybe you like girl to be dominant...I really don't know how to make this better for you...but you kind of sound a bit "un-balanced". Your sexual feelings arise out of not just a female but to a dominant, overt overwhelming and I guess overbearing persona, maybe if it is someone you can actually connect to emotionlly the sexual feeling goes out the window for some reason...if it really bothers you so much I would suggest therapy..maybe childhoood dynamics are at play.

[ironpony]

To be honest, I'm not sure what got me into bad girls, sexual attraction wise. Years ago, when I first started dating and becoming sexually active, I had the same problem where I couldn't get aroused by the women I was dating. I went to the doctor about it, and he referred me to a specialist, and also got me viagra prescriptions, which helped.

 

When I went to the specialist, he said that physically I was fine, and that I needed to just find the right type of woman for me. Later on, a woman who was much more of a bad girl, dominatrix type, hooked up with me and was much more naughty, and I got aroused by her. So from them on, I thought, this must be my typed, so I kept going for that type. However, that type is not as easy to find, and I find that I am throwing away, a lot of better matches for me outside the bedroom. There have been some good matches for me, that were not naughty dominatrix types, and I feel that I am throwing away, all the good qualities in a woman, just because they are missing ONE quality. Is that one quality really that important in a relationship to get me aroused?

[Vicky89]

To be honest, I'm not sure what got me into bad girls, sexual attraction wise. Years ago, when I first started dating and becoming sexually active, I had the same problem where I couldn't get aroused by the women I was dating. I went to the doctor about it, and he referred me to a specialist, and also got me viagra prescriptions, which helped.

 

When I went to the specialist, he said that physically I was fine, and that I needed to just find the right type of woman for me. Later on, a woman who was much more of a bad girl, dominatrix type, hooked up with me and was much more naughty, and I got aroused by her. So from them on, I thought, this must be my typed, so I kept going for that type. However, that type is not as easy to find, and I find that I am throwing away, a lot of better matches for me outside the bedroom. There have been some good matches for me, that were not naughty dominatrix types, and I feel that I am throwing away, all the good qualities in a woman, just because they are missing ONE quality. Is that one quality really that important in a relationship to get me aroused?

 

Sex is extremely important.

 

Tell me, what is the difference between a friend and a lover ? The sex right ? The intimacy. You can think these women have great personalities and be drawn to that, but if you are not sexually aroused by them, then they are essentially a friend and not going to be a lover.

 

There might be dating sites that cater to dominatrix type of thing, google is your friend here. Sounds like you are into the kinky stuff, tying up, gagging, spanking, these are things that a woman is either into or she isn't, and wasting your time on a woman you can't get hard over, is not ideal.

 

No one can help what attracts them sexually, you simply like what you like, come to terms with that and knowing that it's perfectly fine and find yourself a partner that is like minded.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Perhaps it would be easier to come to terms with it, if I knew why it is important though. Why is the spanking and gagging and all that so important? Why is that so deep, that it should be the deciding factor above all?

 

But here is what I don't understand... I went to the doctor about it and he prescribed me cialis to treat the problem. It works, and when I take a cialis pill, I get an erection everytime, with a vanilla sex girl. However, I read that Cialis only treats physical erectile dysfunction. Where as I was told that physically I am fine, and have psychological ED.

 

I read that Cialis will only work, if the man is sexually aroused, and it says this in the instructions as well. So if this is true, then I must be sexually aroused by a vanilla girl then right? I mean when I take the pill, I get an erection, while a woman is not into naughty and rough sex at all. So am I getting aroused by vanilla sex then?

 

If I am, then why is the arousal only leading to an erection with Cialis, and not on my own then, if I am actually aroused?

[Vicky89]

Okay thanks. Perhaps it would be easier to come to terms with it, if I knew why it is important though. Why is the spanking and gagging and all that so important? Why is that so deep, that it should be the deciding factor above all?

 

But here is what I don't understand... I went to the doctor about it and he prescribed me cialis to treat the problem. It works, and when I take a cialis pill, I get an erection everytime, with a vanilla sex girl. However, I read that Cialis only treats physical erectile dysfunction. Where as I was told that physically I am fine, and have psychological ED.

 

I read that Cialis will only work, if the man is sexually aroused, and it says this in the instructions as well. So if this is true, then I must be sexually aroused by a vanilla girl then right? I mean when I take the pill, I get an erection, while a woman is not into naughty and rough sex at all. So am I getting aroused by vanilla sex then?

 

If I am, then why is the arousal only leading to an erection with Cialis, and not on my own then, if I am actually aroused?

 

Cialis is a brand name, what you are actually getting is a vasodilator and it's for a number of things including to help with high blood pressure in the lungs. Thank you Google !

 

Anyways, am wondering if the first doctor is still correct in his assumption of your ED being a psychological thing. I mean, you ARE able to be instantly aroused by a woman you deem to be naughty and adventures in bed, so you do NOT have ED or else you would not be able to get hard or keep it hard. People that truly have ED aren't able to get hard or maintain and erection with anyone, they are just not able to, you do get hard and maintain it with certain types of people you like, so you don't have ED. Maybe with women who are "vanilla" you feel more of a brotherly connection to them and you aren't as attracted ? Or maybe you get nervous around them ? Nervous that they will judge your preferences in bed or you feel wrong having sex with them ? You see sex as something raunchy, heavy, dirty and hot, these women look like they work in the library somewhere and never seen a penis before, only read about it. The vasodilator just opens up the blood vessels allowing them to be fully open and relaxed and then boom, you are hard and ready and your emotions about them not being kinky and naughty don't matter.

 

But your issue with getting hard is all mental. You are just FORCING your body to have sex with someone you aren't into by taking pills to allow your vessels to open up, but had you been having sex with a woman you want, your body would prepare for that naturally without the aid of pills, why ? Because you want to gag her with your member, you want her to take all of you in, your mind is aroused by these thoughts and you instantly become ready, but with the women who are a bit prudish or not into that, you can't get hard as you don't feel the sex with them will be any good.

 

Do not take medications, you have no problem, and the medications have a ton of side effects.

 

Instead maybe get more into foreplay, start slow and work your way up, maybe set the mood, dim the lights, feel on each other, forget about the pressure of having to get aroused on the spot, just focus on feeling, on her body and on yours. If that doesn't work then, start looking for dominatrix dating sites, there has GOT to be dating sites for people that like that stuff, best of luck to you

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I guess I just feel shallow, letting a woman go, just because she wasn't into a certain type of sex. I mean that's like not being able to get an erection cause a woman wasn't able to bake a cake to your liking or something, even if she sincerely tried. It just feels shallow and I feel like there is something wrong with me.

[Jibralta]

Okay thanks. I guess I just feel shallow, letting a woman go, just because she wasn't into a certain type of sex. I mean that's like not being able to get an erection cause a woman wasn't able to bake a cake to your liking or something, even if she sincerely tried. It just feels shallow and I feel like there is something wrong with me.

 

It's like you're being c*ckblocked by your penis!!

 

Sorry, bad joke.

 

In all seriousness, I give you a lot of credit for exploring this issue. Have you looked into the psychology behind fetishes at all, like what contributes to them, etc.?

[ironpony]

Do you mean my fetishes particularly, or just fetishes in general, when it comes to psychology?

[Jibralta]

In general. Not yours in particular. Although it could be helpful to learn more about your own.

[Vicky89]

Okay thanks. I guess I just feel shallow, letting a woman go, just because she wasn't into a certain type of sex. I mean that's like not being able to get an erection cause a woman wasn't able to bake a cake to your liking or something, even if she sincerely tried. It just feels shallow and I feel like there is something wrong with me.

 

You have had this post up for several months, don't over think things, you simply like what you like, end of story.

 

Why do some men prefer blondes over brunettes ? Why like large breasts over smaller ones ? Why like taller women over shorter ones or vise versa ? Why do women like men taller than them ? Why do I like guys that are pale with light eyes ? Why do you like watching a woman gag on your you know what when you have sex with her ? There's no point in over thinking these things, we simply like what we like and it's better to find someone that meets those things than settle for someone we aren't attracted to and try and force an attraction that's not there just because we feel it's shallow to be into certain things.

 

It's really not shallow to be into certain things, it's called a preference, sometimes our preferences are a deal breaker and sometimes they are not, just depends.

 

Enjoying each other sexually is very important in a relationship, as well as having matching sex drives, sure a good personality is important too, but, it's not everything, your friends have good personalities, yet something about them doesn't make you want to sleep with them, that's why they are your friends and not your lover, you need a good balance of sexual attraction and connection to the person, and it's NOT shallow to seek out what pleases you sexually.

 

Get over this thinking, it's detrimental. For you, a woman wanting to be taken over by you, accepting you as her superior in bed, her kneeling before you preforming oral on you and you being rough with her, that's just how you get turned on, it's primal, she's taking you into her and accepting you, it's hot. Why do you need to settle for things that you don't find arousing in bed with a partner you are probably better off as friends with and not sexually compatible ? No point.

 

Accept yourself for who you are and what you like, there is nothing wrong or illegal about what you enjoy, go have fun with someone you click with.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But here is what I don't understand though. On the cialis package it says that the drug will only work, if I am sexually aroused. And that makes sense, cause when I take it, it only works after kissing and foreplay. It doesn't work if I am doing anything non-sexual. But the drug has been working with women, that I am not aroused by if I do not take it. There is a woman right now, who may not be my type in bed, but it has been working with her. I went off the pill lately, and I cannot get an erection with her now.

 

But if the pill instructions say it will only work if I am aroused, then I must be getting aroused by her. So if I am getting aroused by her, then why can't I get an erection without the pill?

[RainyCoast]

when you get touchy, licky, bitey, drooley, grabby ect it stimulates the nerve endings which translates to physical arousal.

unless the woman is completely repulsive or scary to you, you can stimulate some physical arousal, especially if your mind is already expecting you to take the pill.

it does not mean you are aroused by this type of woman, as you've noted.

 

yes, it's a psychological problem and cialis has limited applicability with it.

[ironpony]

I would say Cialis has a lot more than limited applicability though. I had an erection for several hours the day, often, much to my surprise.

[RainyCoast]

yes, it lasts several hours. it cannot induce arousal where there isn't any though.

 

up to you which aspect of the problem you choose to tackle.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I also was able to get an erection with the current woman I am seeing without the pill, as long as I wait longer than a week with no sex or masturbation. Does that mean that I am aroused by her, or is it more normal to get an erection with your partner, everyday, or every couple of days?

[thealchemist]

Just exploring this possibility... When a drug only treats physical symptoms and it works when it shouldn't that can just as easily be the placebo effect. You take the pill hoping it will work and it does, even though it shouldn't. A lot of issues like this are in your head. Good luck.

[ironpony]

That's what I was thinking too, but it must he quite the placebo effect, when I have an erection that lasts for about 24 hours, the next day as well. If it's just a placebo effect, than I guess there is nothing wrong with me then perhaps.

[Jibralta]

I think you're supposed to go to the doctor if that happens.