Anybody have experience with loving someone so much yet not wanting to try again

[strongemily]

It has been nearly a year since we broke up, although the first few months were really rocky and we kept seeing each other until I had to move away for work. I always wanted to get back with him but he was convinced we wouldn't work out, but at the same time he would say he hoped we would end up together in the future. Unfortunately, I hung onto that until he seemed to have changed his mind or something, and then we went no contact for a few months.

 

However, we had to see each other last week for a thing that I don't want to describe on here, but it was a very stressful and not fun thing that spanned several days. Still, since we HAD to see each other and we basically were in it together, I reached out to him when I was in the area in December to meet up so that we could clear the air a bit and that way I wouldn't have so much added anxiety in having to see him for last week. It was fine, but it came out that he still loved me and obviously I still love him, but that was pretty much it.

 

Last week, after holding each others' hands to get through this stressful event, we spent a little time together in his car after everything was all over. Before this, he had told me he was seeing someone now, but he missed me and didn't think he would ever get over his feelings for me and wanted to end things with this new girl. I objectively explained that we had something really strong and that he shouldn't expect so much of himself to get over me so quickly, and that it was perfectly acceptable to still have feelings for me... wasn't sure if dragging another girl into this was smart, though, but I didn't go into that much. He said that telling me he was seeing someone else felt like he had just told me he was cheating on me... weird.

 

Eventually, while sitting in his car, he was hugging me and holding me and it gradually got more intense until he kissed me. He was saying he was still in love with me, that he still thought of me so often, still looked at pictures of us, that I was the most amazing person he has known, that he had always felt so safe in a relationship with me, that seeing me was so hard because he couldn't control himself around me, that we had a lot of good times in our relationship but he had ended it for a reason (arguing, he says it's all his fault for having anger and anxiety and commitment issues) and didn't think we would ever work out. I told him, look, you just need to tell me it's over and stop doing this. He said You've asked this before, and I want to tell you it's over, but half of the time I'm not sure.

 

He knows how I feel - that I think we COULD work things out, and he says he's the one who gave up on us. Yet... he still loves me ? I just don't understand how he can love me so intensely and yet not want to even give us another shot.

 

Now, it's kind of easier NOT trying again because yeah I live across the country from him right now. HOWEVER, he is trying his DAMNDEST to get transferred out to the exact area I am in! What is that supposed to mean?

 

Well, I know what it all means. He's confused, doesn't know himself what he wants. As long as he is confused, I need to let him go and move on. It just sucks. He says he hasn't changed at all, and doesn't think that our issues will change, that they will just come back. How can I show him that it's possible for us to work through our issues if he doesn't give us another chance?

 

I left him telling him I would only text him regarding a job transfer because I can pull strings to get him out here, but otherwise I didn't want him to contact me.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I shouldn't be looking for words of hope, really, because anything can happen. I just... I don't get how he can so adamantly not want to try a relationship again when it has been nearly a year of breaking up and he still loves me. Why would someone want to give up the chance of being with someone they love that intensely?

[Matt3939]

Sometimes no matter how much we love someone eventally we make a decision and stick to it.

[Clio]

This guy is not 'in love' with you anymore. He doesn't see you as the One. He just can't handle losing the emotional comfort your LTR provided him. He broke up with you but he has trouble letting go of the support and reassurance you provide. He doesn't love you "intensely". His actions scream that. If he did, 1)he wouldn't have given up on you 2) he wouldn't have started dating another woman (red alert!) 3)his words and actions would match. Basically he is attached to the emotional comfort of having someone there for him and is keeping you around until he builts/finds this with some one else. He just hasn't located a suitable replacement yet. You are volunteering yourself to being used as a stepping stone. You seriously need to wake up and go strict no contact unless you are fine ending up as buddies.

 

Continuing to stay in contact and support him like that means that:

1)He still gets all the emotional perks of being with you minus the conflict AND while he gets to date around other women looking for your replacement.

2) He gets to do all that guilt free because if what he is doing to you was that bad, surely you would not still be around tolerating it and even giving him ' objective' advice about other women.

Pretty good deal for him, so of course he is "confused". Losing all that convenience would be confusing.

 

Wake up: He broke up with you. He has given up. He is dating other women. He is using you as a stepping stone because you are letting him. You need to end participating in his confusion. If you don't, the moment he finds someone he views suitable, you will be history, or worse, end up in a love triangle with him trying to have it both ways.

[rtyu4567]

This guy is not 'in love' with you anymore. He doesn't see you as the One. He just can't handle losing the emotional comfort your LTR provided him. He broke up with you but he has trouble letting go of the support and reassurance you provide. He doesn't love you "intensely". His actions scream that. If he did, 1)he wouldn't have given up on you 2) he wouldn't have started dating another woman (red alert!) 3)his words and actions would match. Basically he is attached to the emotional comfort of having someone there for him and is keeping you around until he builts/finds this with some one else. He just hasn't located a suitable replacement yet. You are volunteering yourself to being used as a stepping stone. You seriously need to wake up and go strict no contact unless you are fine ending up as buddies.

 

Continuing to stay in contact and support him like that means that:

1)He still gets all the emotional perks of being with you minus the conflict AND while he gets to date around other women looking for your replacement.

2) He gets to do all that guilt free because if what he is doing to you was that bad, surely you would not still be around tolerating it and even giving him ' objective' advice about other women.

Pretty good deal for him, so of course he is "confused". Losing all that convenience would be confusing.

 

Wake up: He broke up with you. He has given up. He is dating other women. He is using you as a stepping stone because you are letting him. You need to end participating in his confusion. If you don't, the moment he finds someone he views suitable, you will be history, or worse, end up in a love triangle with him trying to have it both ways.

That was on point. You wrote/said it so well. I personally will re-read this again and again. Thx!

[faraday]

What Clio said.

 

I went through this a few years ago. I had been off and on with a guy that I thought was the love of my life. We had a really intense connection, but we just didn't work together. To break the cycle, we went no contact...and the next 4 months were horrible. But I worked on myself...i did things for me, and when I was feeling somewhat better, I started dating.

 

We had been no contact for about 6 months when he finally found a way to contact me (I had blocked him in every way possible so he found a phone at the office he hadn't called me from)...and confessed that he still loved me. Was that ever hard to walk away from...but at the time I had just started dating a really nice guy...and while I didn't know how it would go with the new guy, I knew how it would go with my ex. It would be awesome for a month or two and then put differences would start coming out and we'd start to fight again.

 

So I told my ex that I couldn't. That I wanted him to be happy, and find someone else. Hanging up the phone that day was so hard.

 

But now I'm married to that nice guy that I wasn't sure about. And my ex is engaged to someone who he is over the moon about.

 

It was really hard to let go of my ex. We had been off and on for 2.5 years...going months in that time being broken up...it was torture.

 

We're both so much happier now.

 

All I can say is...you know where this road goes with your ex. You know what happens. Let him go. Be open to someone new. Find what brings you joy...create a wonderful, fulfilling life...and everything else will fall into place.

 

It gets better, I promise. One day...you both will have moved on to people that you can't imagine your life without...and one day, you'll wonder why you gave so much time and so much of your heart to this man that isn't right for you.

 

Good luck.

[No1]

he is not confused. he is with someone else. he is using you for his physical and mental satisfaction. he loves keeping you confused and leaving that door open. He is giving himself options while keeping you in limbo. He could be using you to emotionally detach from you and relieving his guilt. Telling you things like "I love you" is meant to make you feel better, but it also confuses. his actions tell you a far different story.

 

You have the power to break this cycle. All you have to do is not talk to him again.