how to not care about what people think

[derroax]

My mother was critical, nothing I did was ever enough. I would spend huge amounts of energy to make her happy and appreciate me.

 

Now, sometimes people don't like me. I am lucky to be quite likeable, but unfortunately can't be liked by everyone. My instant reaction is to try harder to make them like me.

 

I don't even think about whether I like them or not. In fact, I usually try harder with people I don't like.

 

It can be exhausting, especially that those people keep doing things that hurt me and I keep trying to make them like me.

 

I am very self aware. I know what I *should* do, I analyse and think things through, I just feel I am missing something obvious to help me break this automatic reaction.

 

I know I am not alone in feeling this way, so looking for some thoughts and ideas from people who might see this a bit more objectively than I do.

[Wiseman2]

Respect is more important than like. You have more control over that. Not everyone will like you, for whatever, often their own reasons.

 

Focus on cultivating things with those you do hit it off with and be polite friendly to everyone else. Being a doormat won't make people like you and certainly not respect you.

[thornz]

I don't think it's a good thing to not care what people think.

 

I think this might be a multiple phase process, recognising who's opinions matter (primarily yours), learning your values and acting accordingly, understating that you are human and deserve forgiveness (primarily yours) when you make mistakes and cultivating a sense of self worth so that the approval of others is less important.

 

I think it's likely this behavior is somewhat habitual so perhaps CBT could help. It's certainly worth discussing with your doctor.

 

I've struggled with the same issue in the past and a combination of the steps above plus counseling has really helped me improve in this regard. Good luck!

[Andrina]

We're not robots, and so it's normal to be a little upset if you're not someone's cup of tea. What's not normal is how you try to engage with people you don't even particularly like, and people who don't deserve your attention.

 

Perhaps try writing a list of must-haves for people who you will allow yourself to put emotional energy into. The list should include some of these sorts of traits: kind, makes you a priority or at least puts the correct amount of effort necessary for their role in your life, respectful, team player, and other positive traits you can think of. It might help to set up something concrete that you can refer to in private, and vow to stick to the list. If a person lacks the must-haves and has any deal breakers, which you can also make a list for, then you can be pleasant to them, but don't put any more effort into them than that.

[Batya33]

I'm 50. And I still have this issue at times and I do think sometimes social media makes it worse because how people react to you is more "in your face" and what they post might make you feel like trying even harder. There is a woman on facebook who I met once for lunch (introduced through a mutual friend) and it was like one of those pleasant but "meh" blind dates (but platonic) -we have so much in common it's scary and we should have clicked but.... we didn't. We stayed in touch on FB and I didn't directly suggest we meet again but I did message her a few times about common interests/experiences. Her posts give the "look at me I'm so cool/hip/in the know" while trying to be understated. She has a huge following. And yes it bothers me that she didn't get in touch again to get together again - even though it was meh - and it bothers me that it bothers me.

 

How I deal with it - self-talk to county my blessings about who does like me/click with me, reminder that two people can be good people but just not be friendship material, etc...... I can relate!

[catfeeder]

I think everyone starts out with some pleaser tendencies to whatever degree. Three mental tricks I've found helpful: 1) splitting my thinking into child/adult, 2) forgiving others' limitations, 3) changing my inner critical voice.

 

First, I introduced my 'child' and 'adult' selves to one another, and I put my adult in charge of healing old wounds, nurturing the child in the present and future, teaching the child to cope as we move forward, and integrating 'us' to whatever degree that 'we' can harmonize. This raised some painful stuff, but it also relieved that unhealed feeling. It inspired sympathy for the younger versions of myself who didn't know how to best respond, prompting forgiveness for my past mistakes.

 

This inner forgiveness teaches me daily how to forgive the limits of others. This liberates me from trying to 'convert' anyone into liking me or interacting with me in ways that may not be natural for THEM. It removes my focus on my SELF as the center of the universe, and it allows for the idea that we all view the world through different lenses. A good teacher never assumes that every student will grasp everything presented the first way, so they'll back up and present it differently. From there, the teacher can recognize a gap between students and the level of the material. That's not personal, and in life we all need to identify these gaps. From there we can select the right battles to pursue while tabling others for a different time or audience.

 

Lastly, my critical inner voice served nobody, least of all me, so it was the first 'habit' I elected to change during a 21 day challenge by a coach at work. My kneejerk reactions defaulted to the negative 'child' and catered to some imagined prosecutor in my head. I switched this voice into one of an inspiring coach. I tapped into the 'adult' version of my voice rather than allowing the whiney child to prevail as my default assessor. This changed EVERYTHING for me, because every experience is driven by our perceptions. Change those, and negativity drops away as we roll over it to reach what we 'can' envision instead.

 

It's far easier to operate with optimistic assumptions that might get chinked here and there than through a lens of fear that assumes negative outcomes behind every corner. Perfectionism is an exhausting habit of trying to jump ridiculously high bars because we've never considered where a reasonable bar actually lies. A colleague once paraphrased a quote, and it stayed with me: "We can't allow the 'ideal' to become the enemy of 'good enough,' because we can always improve on good once we get there."

 

Head high.

[derroax]

Thanks everyone for your very thoughtful responses. I love the support and wisdom here. Always feels like a safe place to come to.

Catfeeder, I could especially relate to the suggestions you made as I have done a lot of work with my inner child. And I am a big fan of transactional analysis. I admit I have lost touch with the child in recent months, maybe she is just asking for attention and support, and I like your inspiring coach approach.