I'm a prisoner.

[RainyCoast]

It seems like now she's paying for a multitude of people in the house. Not just her and her parents and her kid. Before she was just paying for herself and her kid.

 

that's what i figured. i was wondering whether behind her implied excuse that it is difficult for her to pay for everything on her own, was actually an unhealthy sense of indebtedness to her parents, their guilt-tripping or something similar.

 

i am assuming she would be happier and less stressed on her own.

 

looks like she left the building though.

[HeartGoesOn]

Where is this child's father? Also, why is he not paying child support?

[jennylove]

I'm not a parent but I have plenty of friends who are and I have always observed their situations from afar and quietly. Most of the "kids" are in high school now.

 

I can tell you this much and you take it how you want. I have a friend who was a young single mom, struggling. Like you, she depended on family at first. But it didn't pan out. So she moved out into low income housing, aka,section8. Eventually, she got an education and was able to support herself without help. She really took a beating from friends/family about she and her child living in a studio apartment on air mattresses. They lived like this for years. She got sick of the drama and cut everyone off who wasn't supportive. I'd say she raised her daughter for 14 years at poverty level. And then she became lower middle class which is where she remains. Although her daughter was raised in poverty without grandparents or much family around, my friend did her best to make her life happy by spending quality time with her, teaching her how to cook, bake, sew, coaching her thru life, being there for her. That girl is the most well-adjusted and happy girl I know. She got a full scholarship to college and looks forward to seeing her mom at holidays to volunteer at the homeless shelter.

 

Another friend had a kid at the same time. That kid was raised in a nice house, went to a good school,etc. but her parents were never home. Eventually the parents divorced and step parents came into the picture, and still, no quality time was spent with that child. Nobody seemed to bash the parents though, probably because it looked like they were going good from the outside: nice houses, nice jobs, educated, nice cars, nice neighborhood. Well that child is also college age and she's just a mess. Always has been.

 

I'm a firm believer in it's the happiness inside the house that makes happy kids. With that, do whatever it takes to move out. Even if it's a studio with section 8. Make it into a home and do the best you can with what you have. You may live poorly but that's ok.

[RainyCoast]

I'm a firm believer in it's the happiness inside the house that makes happy kids.

i love this entire post so much.

 

definitely, children will be way better adjusted if they are in an encouraging home, it even neutralizes austerity and past trauma.

 

a family who provides some financial comfort (and from the post it's still hard to tell if hasn't indeed become costlier for her to live with her parents) but where that financial comfort comes at the price of dynamics marked by a sense of martyrdom, resentment, powerlessness, toxicity...is way worse on a child than coupons and second hand stuff from charities.

[jennylove]

Yes yes yes!!!

 

I also have a friend who now has a 10 year old. My friend is a RN and the father owns a small sandwich shop. They are both still married and doing well financially. Are you ready for this next part? I looove this story! They have the means to send their kid to a good school. And they did during the child's kindergarten year, she went to a high end catholic school. They are Catholic and will always send her to Catholic school. But they decided that they didn't like how spoiled and entitled the others kids were and they didn't want their daughter around that. They enrolled her into a low income catholic school on "the other side of the tracks" and it's been the best experience. The daughter is humble. She doesn't have much even though her parents can afford it, and they take her shopping at goodwill. She's humble and thankful for what she does have because she definitely has more than most her classmates: her own bedroom, a bicycle, stuff like that. she and her classmates spend the night with eachother and they actually play outside together, they aren't playing with their computer or Xbox like other kids because they don't have it or ask for it.

 

I'm pretty sure that she is going to end up very happy, well-adjusted, humble and successful in life.

[qwaspolk82]

No - parents are entitled to provide food and shelter for their children and to ensure they are living in a safe environment. Then they can have a coffee.

 

Sometimes you do what you have to do. There are times in your life where no - you don't go out because of time or money. What about taking your child out with you on a weekend afternoon to grab a coffee to go and to go to the park? What about coming home half an hour later on one day during the week to go sit with your coffee?

 

My parents never got a night out when I was young because they were struggling to make ends meet. My mom lost touch with a lot of friends because most of her friends were single and in college or in the work world. If her friends were a bit older/more mature in their view and already had a kid at home they might be open to stopping by for lunch or coffee but the other 19-21 year olds wanted to go to the bar. My dad worked two jobs. He worked midnights full time and then worked during the day 3/4 time. They had one car, which was obviously gone for all but a couple hours in a 24 hour period. There was just no money except what went into rent and food. My mom either struggled to fit into prepregnancy clothes or wore my dad's shirts after she had me until she could afford to get something new. I wore hand me downs except what Grandma and Grandpa gave me as a Christmas outfit or always bought me shoes for my birthday if I needed them that year because you can't always wear hand me down shoes. they have to fit.

 

When I was older, yes, they could afford to go out with their friends or mom got coffee with her friends. But that took awhile.

 

You are just at a season in life where its time to work and come home to your child and you get extras once your child doesn't depend on your folks (you are able to drop them off at a tumbling class for awhile to walk next door to get a coffee) or you have the money to afford the privelege of doing so (you move out and have a trustworthy babysitter).

 

Forget going for coffee and come up with a plan where you can afford to move - even if you find another single mom as a roommate. My cousin was in a living situation where she had a roommate but had reduced rent because part of the agreement was that she babysat twice a week so her roommate could have some breathing room away from her kid. The kid went to preschool and day care when the mom was working, but the roommate who was the mom had my cousin watch her child once or twice a week in the evening so she could get grocery shopping and just a break.

 

She does do that it appears based on her post. But parents are also entitled to a break once in awhile while caring for their children. If you don't take a break once in awhile you're going to lose your damn mind and most likely on the kids.

 

I finally got respite care set up so that I could go for 2 hours 3 x a week and work out. All I do is go to work and am with my daughter. That's it. I love my daughter more than anything but the constant hospital admissions and doctors and etc it's freaking overwhelming. I finally realized I needed a break. Even the doctors, nurses, respite care, early intervention ask me "What do you do for yourself to get a break? You need to make sure you take time for yourself once in awhile."

 

I'm not saying they need to go out and party, get drunk, go somewhere fancy. A coffee break for 10 minutes alone? That's a big deal?? Really?

 

My dad worked two jobs, sometimes three and basically raised us himself because my mom was off screwing around on him. He never went out. Sometimes she did until she got too wrapped up in dipsh*t that she ended up marrying after the divorce. My dad is finally involved in things. He does stuff with church and started church again after meeting my stepmom. He seems to like it and he gets paid to be a layperson. But when we were little he would come home from work and I could tell he was exhausted. Pure exhaustion and still would make it to most of my games. Concerts. The other kids stuff (but I was the only one who did sports through high school). But I wish he would have taken a break once in awhile. Just left the house by himself even for like 10 minutes. Took a walk. A drive. Anything. He DESERVED a break. He was ENTITLED to a break. That's what I am talking about.

[qwaspolk82]

also, sounds like you hate living with your parents. you've not said a single nice thing about them, or life with them, or the supervision they provide the boy with.

 

i would say move out, but then it sounds like you can't afford to, while it also sounds like you can't afford to live with them, so i don't have the slightest clue what's going on.

 

She said she got by before she moved in with her parents and siblings.