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Illegitimate Sister Contacted Me for the First Time


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So two years ago I found out accidentally I had a half sister on my father's side. After spending a night over in the house of my first boyfriend at 21, he freaked out and revealed this knowledge in anger. He has many illnesses and he can get irrationally angry and aggressive at times. He revealed he got a girl pregnant by accident when he was a teenager. He said later he found out it was intentional on her side. She was covered by the rythum method, which isn't legitimate. He didn't like the mother and disconnected himself from her and the daughter even while later marrying the mother. He never loved her so it didn't work out. Their daughter is my sister who contacted me recently.


In those two years I knew, I have always wanted to contact her. I tried to find her, although unsuccessfully. Apparently so did my father at one point. Then she contacted me. I had all these negative doubts beforehand; she wouldn't want to know me, would hate me due to the circumstances, etc. However, she said she wanted to know me, had no ill will, and later stated she didn't want to talk if it made life hard for me. We talked amicably for a bit over facebook.


The next morning, my parents talked to me about being contacted by my sister. I didn't know she called them. Apparently father made her promise she would not contact me. I told them she did and they don't want me to talk to my sister, as she couldn't be trusted and could hurt me, probably taking after her mother.


The next day, father told me there were misunderstandings between family about untruths she was hearing from other extended members. It was okay to talk to her. I did. Then the next day, she broke another promise that she wouldn't involve her mother in this. My sister told her mother about our contact. Father didn't want us to speak anymore. He also said he would have ligit killed my uncle if they were talking in person, after hearing that he was the one who told my sister info about how to contact us. I was torn, but eventually said I wouldn't. The next morning, he bursted through my room angrily demanding I never talk to her. I said, I said I wouldn't the previous day. He became manic, thrusting his fists in the air, refuted what I said even after reiterating again the same point so I yelled. He then pinned me down on my bed and screamed as loud as he could until he lost his voice. After, he left and punched a hole in the wall. I head out to work and received calls from him and my mother. She said he was in a phase and just needed time to calm down. Then she said to call her, it was an emergency. I did and she said father was threatening to kill himself, that he should just end it. I panicked and told her we should call help. She said no, as he doesn't mean it and has done this times before when he wants people to listen to him and he would fight back not to go. I was at a loss.


Father is afraid I will be hurt and it will extend to our immediate family (my father, mother, and maternal half brother) even if only I would be communicating with her. He didn't know his daughter and wanted to keep it that way because he thought she would wreck havoc in our lives. In their initial call, he asked my sister if she was happy. She said yes at first. He responded that was good, then she should not get to know him if that's the case since it will complicate their lives. He said if she was unhappy, he would get to know her and try to bring some good in her life. Then my sister said she actually was not happy, was an alcoholic, in an unhappy marriage, and her mother's side of the family were alcoholics. After his disapproval, my sister said if father wouldn't get to know her, then she would get to know her sister (me). He said this information worries him about her being around me and does not approve of her, in exposing me to this lifestyle. As well as some of the lies she's been told. He didn't want these lies to break our relationship. He also said this is why we are distanced from our other family members (mother's and father's side). My dad tried to do this as well with a couple of my close, longtime friends. I can't name any family member they are on good terms with, hence we do not see any extended family anymore. Father said he wanted to keep our small family that way.


I am so confused. I would like advice on this situation because I am lost between the interchanging stories and people. I'm sure I have left out details, though I didn't want to make this longer than it is. Thank you if you have read this far!

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To me, at least, your father's irrational behavior would imply that there is something he *really* doesn't want you to find out.


If it were me, I'd talk to the sister and get her side of things, and maybe even her mom's. Weigh what you're told, and determine for yourself the truths and falsehoods, and most particularly, what is merely emotion and opinion rather than fact. If you want a relationship with her, then have a relationship. This whole promising not to involve x, y, z thing is what seems to be causing you the majority of problems - so stop making and soliciting those promises and trying to control the situation in that way.

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I believe the term "illegitimate" has fallen out of use, along with the more derogatory term. She is your half-sister. (As far as the rhythm method goes for birth control, it is not as reliable as others, but it is still considered a legitimate method for some. It does not in itself mean that the mother intended the pregnancy.)


If I found I had a half-sister, I would get to know her. Of course be careful, as you don't know her yet, but you do not need your parent's approval on this if you are an adult, and you do not need to tell them details about it. Their drama does not need to be your drama. You do not have to let your father control you or your relationships.

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Excuse me for the term, I chose illegitimate because it means born out of wedlock, which was what my sister was until they married after. The rhythm method seems to be brought about from Christian faith, although it is not an approved form of birth control. It doesn't make sound sense to me why my parents think the mother tricked my dad. I didn't really want to focus on this though while trying to know my sister.


We are both consenting adults and we do believe we should have the right to at least try to get to know just each other. It's just that this happened so fast recently, close to the holidays where I'm spending so much time with my parents that I am now afraid.


I am scared what will happen because the reaction was so bad. I don't know where to go from this point and feel uneasy about moving forward with this, even though I want to.

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This exactly. Your family cannot control who you decide to meet, have contact with or have a relationship with. feel free to do as you both mutually please.


Why not ask this half-sibling to keep things between you two and confidential, since your family suffers from great dysfunction and mental abusiveness.


With toxic, dysfunctional families, less is more, meaning less communication and contact is more sanity and peace. You don't need their blessing to contact anyone.

We are both consenting adults and we do believe we should have the right to at least try to get to know just each other. I am scared what will happen because the reaction was so bad.
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You can talk to anyone you want to talk to. Your dad can't control your life or who you communicate with. Just go talk to your sister. Who cares what your dad thinks? he married her mother and he knew her.


It's pretty shady he's this irrational about you talking to her. IF it was me I'd tell my dad to f* off and I would go talk to her and find out why he's so adamant to keep her away.

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I would talk to my sister, that's why this got so out of hand. I was adamant and I only stopped when my mother said father was being really excitable and suicidal. I wanted to call the hospital or something (idk never had to before) but she was against it, since he would fight back. I don't want that to happen.


While my relationship with my father is strained at best, I don't want to lose my mother or half brother either. I feel that if I pursue my half sister, I may be abandoned by my dad, whereas they would follow. Just like all of my other external family members before me.

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She was covered by the rythum method, which isn't legitimate


Trans: your dad couldn't be bothered to use a condom and has been angry that he didn't get away with it ever since. I'm also amazed that he's telling you this girl will wreak havok, and hurt you while his behaviour is basically abusive. Add to the fact that he cuts out family and friends like this... it just sounds like he's worriend something will come out about him, not about lies.


I'd honestly suggest you move out because he is scary.

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True, although he said that the mother told him not to wear condoms because she was covered by the rhythm method even though he brought them. She said to not wear them. The mother made it out to be a big deal at a hotel after a celebration. He said he went many years believing he was at fault, until my mom apparently said that the mother trapped him.


I will be moving out very soon. This should have happened a lot sooner and the signs were there that my father's behavior was escalating, but I stayed because my parents said that they wanted me here. I wanted to obey their wishes so it didn't look like I didn't want to live with them or anything. He ALWAYS apologizes after every overheated petty argument he starts with me and becomes extra nice, sweet, apologetic. He got me flowers this time and keeps sending me nice texts. All of this worries me because it sounds like a certain cycle in psychology I know...

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