I don't know if I still want a life w/ my husband

[YellowLights]

I've mostly been a reader on the site, until now. I suppose I've reached the point where I'm ready to consider outside view points because going over it by myself hasn't brought any resolution.

 

We've been married for a little over 3yrs now, together for 6yrs both in our early 30's. As the world knows a major election has taken place here in the States and the past 6months has really taken a toll on my marriage and if I want to stay in it. Our household was severely divided during the election and although we never had arguments about it leading up to the election the outcome of the election has really raised concern for me as I've seen a different side of my husband that disappoints me to say the least.

 

 

What I'm seeing is that we don't hold the same values or beliefs like I thought we did and my husband has said that he wants us to try for baby in the next year but I can't fathom bringing up a baby with someone who doesn't agree with the values in which I want to raise a baby with. This whole election and baby talk has really made me ask myself if I want to have children with him, as this is the final tying of the knot in ones marriage.

 

I grew up in a divorced family and he did not, and with the feelings I have now I just can't see myself bringing children into my life only to possibly face divorce down the road due to parenting differences. These are not just things I feel we can work out in counseling, these are non-negotiating differences.

 

Example: if I get pregnant and get news our baby could have medical problems before they are born and I'm asked if I want to abort the baby, I absolutely would not. My husband thinks differently, he's expressed not really wanting to have a child with medical problems.

 

I don't know what to do, there are other things that have given me red flags as well within the past 6months but those things are too hard to even think about on my own so writing them out could be next to impossible for me.

 

Is it stupid for me to have children with him feeling this way? Knowing full well that we don't agree on the same values like I thought we did for all these years? I feel like such a fool in this marriage, I feel like I should have asked many more serious questions all theses years together

[Capricorn3]

I would say under no circumstances bring a baby into a troubled marriage. It will NOT change things. It is also wrong and unfair to the child (imo). As long as there are issues, you need to sort ALL of the issues out, before bringing a child into the picture. First step would be to have an open discussion with your husband and lay all the cards on the table. If that doesn't work, try marriage counselling. If that doesn't work, then you file for divorce, but at least you made an effort to try and sort things out.

 

But right now, as things stand, do NOT have a baby.

[YellowLights]

You're absolutely right, having a baby right now is not smart nor will it solve anything.

 

I'm hesitant to counseling because we did pre-marital counseling for 6months before getting married and there were a lot of broken promises. For instance, he promised to make an effort to stop smoking and the smoking has only worsened.

 

I'm not saying I wouldn't do counseling, I'm just worried he will make more empty promises to me and I'd be back where I am now. I feel so lost.

 

Even finances have been so weird in our marriage. We both have masters degrees and work full time, he makes about $30,000 more than me and gets cash bonuses every six months. But we split all the bills down the middle even though I make much less and we don't have a shared bank account, plus he's never offered to share his bonuses with me to help me pay bills (I have far less debt than him, I only have a CC of $7000 and I only owe $5000 on my car, that's it).

 

We've also never had a honeymoon, he spends a lot of his money flying home to see his family and friends and I don't go because I have to work as my job doesn't allow for much time off.

 

Sorry if I'm going on and on, I just feel like an idiot for getting myself in this mess

[Capricorn3]

I'm hesitant to counseling because we did pre-marital counseling for 6months before getting married and there were a lot of broken promises.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do counseling, I'm just worried he will make more empty promises to me and I'd be back where I am now. I feel so lost.

Well, if not going to marriage counselling together, I would suggest that you go on your own. At least you have a neutral party to open up to and talk about all of these issues. Hopefully, it would lead to you understanding better what route to take.

 

That said, some time or other, you'll have to "face the music" and talk to your husband about how you feel and what is going on. If discussing these issues doesn't work, and he is not prepared to make changes, then all I can say is ....do BOTH of you a big favor and file for divorce.

[Lester]

There's no perfect man, (or time), to have a baby with. The only difference is you found out before getting pregnant.

 

That said, young men say all types of stupid things. Young husbands are young men.

Most times, they don't put any thought before or after some thoughtless/hurtful thing they've said to their wife. (Go ahead, quiz him some dumb thing he said to you last year.)

 

If this is the only issue in your marriage, then do the following:

Shut off the TV! Especially the so-called news.

 

The news is not news!

It's just manipulation to make inconsequential people think their opinion actually matters. (Right up to the pill commercial.)

 

Not doing so, leads to strong opinions which will push you farther and farther away from goodness, love, kindness and forgiveness. (i.e., God)

 

If you continue watching, you'll find it isn't just your husband you have issue/problems with.

[KantSleep]

Gotta say, your hubby sounds a bit self-centered, especially with regards to finances. That, coupled with his smoking, which will likely catch up to him one day. He should quit if he wants to be a father. I have a feeling it's tough to talk to your husband about emotional/complex issues. And/or you see a pattern where talk gets you no results. Let me say this: I was once in your position. Riddled with doubts, even as I walked down the marital aisle. I was young and stupid and it wasn't fair to him or me. After that, I didn't have the strength to say no to kids. I was miserable for a long time. We were NOT a match. Don't do this to yourself, if at all possible. I know it can be extremely difficult to get out of a marriage. As another poster stated, counseling on your own may help. I hesitate to say throw away the marriage without trying. At least seek professional help first. If you still feel the same way after that, you will have to muster the courage to end it, and it will be tough. But you have to be true to yourself. Don't sink into an abyss you can't get out of. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

These are ethical personal and philosophical differences that go much deeper than who's president. Marriage counselling may help you stop arguing over what's on the evening news and start addressing what's in your hearts and minds that's causing the real problems.

 

Alternately have a private consultation with a divorce attorney to see what your options are at this point. Do not bring a child into this world in a very conflicted marriage on the verge of divorce anyway.

if I get pregnant and get news our baby could have medical problems before they are born and I'm asked if I want to abort the baby, I absolutely would not. My husband thinks differently, he's expressed not really wanting to have a child with medical problems. I don't know what to do, there are other things that have given me red flags as well within the past 6months but those things are too hard to even think about on my own so writing them out could be next to impossible for me.

[Unreasonable]

1. Why are you making a big deal out of a hypothetical situation that probably won't happen? Unless you you and you husband have a history of congenital disorders, you have a 97% chance of having a completely healthy baby with no birth defects whatsoever. The remaining 3% covers ALL birth defects, from mild to severe. The chances for a severe birth defect where abortions are often considered are even less.

 

2. Even if this 3% hypothetical situation were to become reality, it's your choice as to whether you have the baby or not. Not his.

 

3. While, generally, the more you have in common, the better, it's completely possible for people with different political views to have a successful marriage, if the commonalities are the focal point, not the the political differences. I think you guys need marriage counselling because your communication strategies sound like they need work.

 

Look if you just don't like the dude anymore, fine. I don't have any major insight into your marriage. Just seems like a big ado about nothing.

[YellowLights]

There's no perfect man, (or time), to have a baby with. The only difference is you found out before getting pregnant.

 

That said, young men say all types of stupid things. Young husbands are young men.

Most times, they don't put any thought before or after some thoughtless/hurtful thing they've said to their wife. (Go ahead, quiz him some dumb thing he said to you last year.)

 

If this is the only issue in your marriage, then do the following:

Shut off the TV! Especially the so-called news.

 

The news is not news!

It's just manipulation to make inconsequential people think their opinion actually matters. (Right up to the pill commercial.)

 

Not doing so, leads to strong opinions which will push you farther and farther away from goodness, love, kindness and forgiveness. (i.e., God)

 

If you continue watching, you'll find it isn't just your husband you have issue/problems with.

 

I did bring up recently some things he's said to me in the past, and he honestly didn't seem to remember them. I didn't think he was making it up either, and he did say he was sorry for those past remarks even though he didn't remember saying them.

 

We definitely are not watching the news at all, it's something that has caused a lot of problems so we decided to stop watching until things die down politically in the States but that could be a while.

 

It's strange, a lot of the things we had in common we don't anymore. I suppose that happens as people age and get more experience.

 

My career is low paying but it's a job I absolutely love because it's helping people go to college and I really enjoy giving back. His career is in the finance industry and very geared towards money, maybe this is why we are different on the political spectrum?

 

Either way, I miss the heart he used to have. I haven't seen it much in the past year and this election made it more noticeable.

[YellowLights]

Well, if not going to marriage counselling together, I would suggest that you go on your own. At least you have a neutral party to open up to and talk about all of these issues. Hopefully, it would lead to you understanding better what route to take.

 

That said, some time or other, you'll have to "face the music" and talk to your husband about how you feel and what is going on. If discussing these issues doesn't work, and he is not prepared to make changes, then all I can say is ....do BOTH of you a big favor and file for divorce.

 

I have brought up to him how this election has really made our differences shine through and how it makes me sad. I told him that I felt like I didn't know him anymore after some of the things he's voiced about "voters" who didn't support his candidate.

 

He didn't really say much, other than he thought people who supported anyone but his candidate needed to do more research and not be so ignorant.

 

I get like he was saying I was ignorant becaus again we did not vote for the same person, but I just dropped the convo to prevent a fight.

 

I need to try harder on talking to him I guess, but it's scary.

[YellowLights]

Gotta say, your hubby sounds a bit self-centered, especially with regards to finances. That, coupled with his smoking, which will likely catch up to him one day. He should quit if he wants to be a father. I have a feeling it's tough to talk to your husband about emotional/complex issues. And/or you see a pattern where talk gets you no results. Let me say this: I was once in your position. Riddled with doubts, even as I walked down the marital aisle. I was young and stupid and it wasn't fair to him or me. After that, I didn't have the strength to say no to kids. I was miserable for a long time. We were NOT a match. Don't do this to yourself, if at all possible. I know it can be extremely difficult to get out of a marriage. As another poster stated, counseling on your own may help. I hesitate to say throw away the marriage without trying. At least seek professional help first. If you still feel the same way after that, you will have to muster the courage to end it, and it will be tough. But you have to be true to yourself. Don't sink into an abyss you can't get out of. Good luck.

 

Exactly! I don't want to be trapped and make a stupid decision. We could do counseling but there is nothing to say he won't make empty promises again which is such a waste of both of our time.

 

I want to be positive but it's so difficult when he's said things to me like "you're easily persuaded so that's why you don't know any better" or "you never took an economics class in college so you don't know anything about it and how it should work". I just find these statements so demeaning and awful, especially when we both have Masters degrees.

 

I don't really bring up finances because he does have a lot more student loan debt than me so his bills are much higher. I don't have student loan debt and my car will be paid off in a year in a half and he still has 6yrs on his. I try to justify his finance hoarding with the fact that my debt isn't what his his. Still it gets annoying when I'm working all the time and he leaves for a week or so to visit family and friends back east and I can't really afford much to plan trips like that or take time off since my job doesn't allow for as much vacation as his does (not his fault).

 

For our anniversary I really wanted this $50 braclette and he said he couldn't afford it. Then two weeks later his friend came to visit and he spent a lot of money going out with him and even went to an NFL football game so I was confused about the money thing. We've never shared money, but it would be nice to see him do something nice for me. Or maybe I'm not being understanding, I go back and forth a lot as u can see.

[YellowLights]

These are ethical personal and philosophical differences that go much deeper than who's president. Marriage counselling may help you stop arguing over what's on the evening news and start addressing what's in your hearts and minds that's causing the real problems.

 

Alternately have a private consultation with a divorce attorney to see what your options are at this point. Do not bring a child into this world in a very conflicted marriage on the verge of divorce anyway.

 

I definitely have no plans to get pregnant while feeling this way. I want to be smart and figure this out. I don't want to say "I'm done" right now and I know I should make every effort to try to save our marriage.

 

I love him, he does have good qualities. Motivated, good work ethic, helps me out around the house, passionate about what he believes in even if at times he goes about it the wrong way. I know we're all human and no one is perfect, but I think about raising a son with him and what kind of dad he would be. I see him not being involved and not making an effort to instill a good strong Faith in God and that scares me. Boys need their fathers to set the example that having Faith is important, I worry I'd be doing it all myself.

 

Before we were married we would go to church all the time, now he works so much it's not something we do together. His free time is spent helping me with house chores, or watching sports. He doesn't have the time like he used to.

[YellowLights]

1. Why are you making a big deal out of a hypothetical situation that probably won't happen? Unless you you and you husband have a history of congenital disorders, you have a 97% chance of having a completely healthy baby with no birth defects whatsoever. The remaining 3% covers ALL birth defects, from mild to severe. The chances for a severe birth defect where abortions are often considered are even less.

 

2. Even if this 3% hypothetical situation were to become reality, it's your choice as to whether you have the baby or not. Not his.

 

3. While, generally, the more you have in common, the better, it's completely possible for people with different political views to have a successful marriage, if the commonalities are the focal point, not the the political differences. I think you guys need marriage counselling because your communication strategies sound like they need work.

 

Look if you just don't like the dude anymore, fine. I don't have any major insight into your marriage. Just seems like a big ado about nothing.

 

The Only thing about the whole baby thing that worries me is that IF that happened I'd really be alone taking care of the baby. You need two parents to love and support a child and I'd probably be more like a single parent if that happened. Maybe a lot of guys feel the way he does about it? I don't really know. I was just raised to love whatever God gives you and so was he which is why I was taken back when he said he wouldn't want us to keep a baby if we knew it would have medical problems.

 

I really think the election just brought our differences out. It's so strange though because we did 6months of pre-marital counseling and we were fine on the "big" questions or so I thought.

 

The one thing I can say is that he'd never be opposed to counseling, he's a big believer in it and I know he would never just give up on our marriage without a fight. Our relationship almost ended once because I was moving back to my side of the country (were literally from opposite coasts in the States) and he didn't want us to end so he moved with me and left his family, friends, everything and started a new life here where I'm from. He has a great job and he's acclimated well to living here. There's been zero complaints other than the occasional he misses his family and friends at times but that understandable as I felt that way when I lived on his coast. He goes home about 3times a year to visit. I don't go with him though due to work obligations and plus I can't afford the travel.

[Unreasonable]

The Only thing about the whole baby thing that worries me is that IF that happened I'd really be alone taking care of the baby. You need two parents to love and support a child and I'd probably be more like a single parent if that happened. Maybe a lot of guys feel the way he does about it? I don't really know. I was just raised to love whatever God gives you and so was he which is why I was taken back when he said he wouldn't want us to keep a baby if we knew it would have medical problems.

 

On the very small chance that your baby has a severe health problem from birth, I really don't know how he's going to react. Because it hasn't happened, I'm not him, and I don't know him. All we know about him is from what you've said. Often these discussions are biased because internet strangers only get one side of the story.

 

I DO know that there are people that are terrible parents even with perfectly healthy babies. And i know people that have special needs children that were devastated at first, but love the heck out of them. There's really no way to know unless it actually happens.

 

Look, if my facebook feed is any indication, there are a LOT of hysterical people saying stuff they normally wouldn't say in a million years. Granted facebook has not been around for that long, but I have never seen anything like this. One woman broke up with her boyfriend over it, I've seen tons of people unfriending eachother, and seen stories of univitations of family members to Thanksgiving! The campaign has really brought out the worst in people.

 

It is dying down, slowly, but I'm still seeing "Nazi" and "libtard" being thrown around regularly. Nasty stuff. I suspect that once emotions have died down with your husband, he may go back to his normal self. I mean, most people settle down eventually. Maybe you should just give it some time. I would hate to see an actual marriage fall victim of politics. You sound like a very religious person though, and it sounds like that has fallen to the wayside with your husband. That happens. A lot. Many people change their beliefs in life. And, obviously, you can't force him to be religious. It would be totally insincere. Only you can decide if that's a dealbreaker.

[Wiseman2]

Fortunately you don't have to travel to see your family because he sacrificed everything so you can be close to them, like you wanted.

 

It's nice he at least can see them 3x a yr and has the time off extra money to do so. Isn't a good marriage about cherishing and appreciating each other? Not how much jewelry you want?

 

Rather than complain about abstract political view, try to appreciate all the sacrifices he's made for you. Perhaps since moving back, you and your family have become even more camped in your corner against him?

 

Does he he feel ganged up on by you and their religious and political views, now that's he's isolated from his friends and family for your sake?

He goes home about 3times a year to visit. I don't go with him though due to work obligations and plus I can't afford the travel.

[YellowLights]

On the very small chance that your baby has a severe health problem from birth, I really don't know how he's going to react. Because it hasn't happened, I'm not him, and I don't know him. All we know about him is from what you've said. Often these discussions are biased because internet strangers only get one side of the story.

 

I DO know that there are people that are terrible parents even with perfectly healthy babies. And i know people that have special needs children that were devastated at first, but love the heck out of them. There's really no way to know unless it actually happens.

 

Look, if my facebook feed is any indication, there are a LOT of hysterical people saying stuff they normally wouldn't say in a million years. Granted facebook has not been around for that long, but I have never seen anything like this. One woman broke up with her boyfriend over it, I've seen tons of people unfriending eachother, and seen stories of univitations of family members to Thanksgiving! The campaign has really brought out the worst in people.

 

It is dying down, slowly, but I'm still seeing "Nazi" and "libtard" being thrown around regularly. Nasty stuff. I suspect that once emotions have died down with your husband, he may go back to his normal self. I mean, most people settle down eventually. Maybe you should just give it some time. I would hate to see an actual marriage fall victim of politics. You sound like a very religious person though, and it sounds like that has fallen to the wayside with your husband. That happens. A lot. Many people change their beliefs in life. And, obviously, you can't force him to be religious. It would be totally insincere. Only you can decide if that's a dealbreaker.

 

I agree, there has been terrible things said on social media and he's changed during this whole outcome. We got into an argument becaus he refused to text his best friend who is a veteran "happy Veterans Day" becaus his friend didn't vote for his candidate and they'd been having spats on FB about it.

 

The subject came up because I reminded him to wish his BF a happy Veterans Day and he said he wasn't talking to him due to the election and he wasn't talking to his family either. I of course got upset and told him his family and his BF care about him so much and he can't just let the outcome of the election ruin their friendship. After some talking he agreed and texted his friend.

 

He has gotten much better about things since it's been some time after the election but his strong political stances that were vastly different than mine made me question things because there are certain things I can't see myself giving up and a strong Faith for our family and children is one of them.

 

I worry his political views will not allow our family to have a good Faith foundation. After seeing how he's talked to people on FB about the election it scares me. His words and hate show are not examples I'd want our children to have. Now that baby talk has come up and seeing this other side of him it's raised a lot of questions for me.

[YellowLights]

Fortunately you don't have to travel to see your family because he sacrificed everything so you can be close to them, like you wanted.

 

It's nice he at least can see them 3x a yr and has the time off extra money to do so. Isn't a good marriage about cherishing and appreciating each other? Not how much jewelry you want?

 

Rather than complain about abstract political view, try to appreciate all the sacrifices he's made for you. Perhaps since moving back, you and your family have become even more camped in your corner against him?

 

Does he he feel ganged up on by you and their religious and political views, now that's he's isolated from his friends and family for your sake?

 

I am glad he can see his friends and family and afford to do so. It's not the actual jewlwery that bothered me, it was that he was willing to spend money on his friend while visiting but not willing to do something nice for me for our anniversary. Because of that it made me sad is all.

 

Like I said before we never had a honeymoon so it's hard to see him spend money on family and friends and not on us. I could forget the jewelry if he'd make an effort to spend money on a small vacation for us. We never go anywhere and when I've brought it up he's said he's working on it but it's going on over 3yrs now so I don't see it happening.

 

My family is not allowed to talk politics w/ him as they don't agree and I've told my family they are not to bring it up out of respect for him and to prevent conflict. Funny enough his family is very religious and doesn't care for his political view either. He's sort of the odd one out politically in both of our families.