VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[vhshowdown]

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine wasn't so great, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Its been a week and a day since we last talked, and she hasn't tried to get ahold of me yet, other than the email I got last wednesday (I replied Friday). I know she has read the email, I tracked it and she read it 4 times on Saturday. I can't help but feel like I am doing the wrong thing. I signed into messenger here at work, so if she comes online, I'll see if she talks to me, or atleast she will know that I am not blocking her. I hope she misses me. She must not be, she hasn't contacted me at all yet. This sucks so bad.

 

 

Hey Blue, and guys. My weekend was ok, cold, but ok. I won $180 friday nite at poker, so I was happy there. Havent talked to the EX since Wednesday, so I guess she could care less if we talk or not. Oh well. Sucks to be me!!

 

Blue, I am sorry you are having to go thru this. I really am, but you are doing really good. Stay strong!! Why do you fell you are doing the wrong thing here? Just give it some time dude......

[codaaurora]

BLUE

 

First off man, You need to get a life!!! I mean that as it sounds, not the "mean" way of saying it. You need to get out there and do things for yourself, that make you happy, that atleast make you content. Sitting around pining for her is not healthy and it's not helping you. You are just gonig to drive yourself crazy with this if you don't.

 

Blue, you are not going to be able to heal if you don't pull yourself out of this pit you've dug for yourself. Keefy and V and I can all stand up top and shine lights to help you find your way, but you have to be the one to climb out, we can't help you there except with advice and guidance. We can give you this because we've been where you are and listened to others tell us to do the same thing I'm telling you. We managed to climb out and now we're in this weird valley where all things are possible, both negative and positive. We are by no means healed, but we are on that path. You NEED to get to this point Blue.

 

So get out there, rent movies that make you laugh or make you fighting mad. Go to the movies, hang out with friends in an environment where you're not all sitting around at a buddy's house getting drunk (that's counter productive), instead go out bowling, to the arcade, to a amusement park, go cart racing, whatever stimulates your mind and your body for FUN. Do these things by yourself if you need to. BUT DO THEM.

 

Please listen to me BLUE, you have no hope of winning her back or of making someone else attractive to you, if you continue in this state. You must learn and grow from it, yes, you must own it, but you also must get past it and you can't do that if you continue to wallow.

 

Make yourself a plan, tell yourself that you are only going to "wallow" over her at certain times, allow yourself that, but then on the other times if you should catch yourself starting to slide STOP and say no more, time to do something else. You can't heal if your constantly living it. Do you see?

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Yes I understand it. These are the kinda pushes I need. I think I just had a bad weekend. I don't think she will get ahold of me to make plans this saturday like she had originally said. Another thing that is bothering me is that I have to call her the middle of the week or so to get my tv back from her parents place. I'm not looking forward to that at all. Its probably gonna be a huge fight, where she tells me she wants everything back from me, including the things she bought for me. Which is totally unfair. I just want to call her and get my tv and leave. No big arguments or anything. I think thats what is bothering me the most, and the fact that she doesn't care enough to call, I'm moving this weekend and she knows that I am, but knows nothing about it.

[codaaurora]

UPDATE

 

Okay people, here is an update on what happened with me this weekend. First off, K wanted me to call in a claim for him on Friday but I told him that I was going out (he called me again Friday night around 5pm, while I was getting ready) and that I would call Saturday and let him know. I went out that night and had a blast. Saturday I woke up with a thick head (LOL) and called to place the claim, I call him and left him a message that I had and then made lunch and set down to watch a movie. Half way into that movie he called me back. He asked me to cancel the claim, that he just wanted to pay for it and not raise the policy. I said ok (with a tone that said...Is there anything else?) and he asked me what I was doing that day. I told him that I was supposed to go out but had decided to stay in and asked him what he was up to. To be honest, he didn't sound very good the entire conversation. So he said that he and his girlfriend had just broken up and that he was sad! HOLY CRAP. I told him that I was sorry and asked if there was anything that I could do and he said yes, that I could tell him who had told me about him and her and I said no. He tried to get persistent, I said no, he got angry and I said no. He hung up. He called back for the same reason, new argument, I said no, I hung up. He called back, I told him that if he broke up with her because he was mad that she may have been talking to friends that he was stupid, all girls talk to their friends and that it wasn't her fault if one of those friends had a friend with a big mouth, he said that they didn't break up because of that, I asked why and he said it wasn't my business, I said ok, I understand, then why is this a big deal and he said that he needed to know and I said no again, he got angry and hung up. He called back, I didn't answer. He called back on the other phone, I didn't answer. He called back on the cell phone and I answered and it was the same thing all over again, except this time he said that if I didn't tell him, she (his new ex) was going to spread it around that I was a lying psycho ex witch (except with a B) and that my name would go through the mud and that he didn't want that. I told him that I didn't care what a 22 year old drama queen GIRL told her young friends, that all I cared about were the people who knew me and knew that I wasn't that way or that type of person and I hung up. He called back and I didn't answer, this time he left a message saying that a long time ago, I had chosen a friendship over our relationship (which is not true, I just told him I wasn't going to stop being friends with someone just because he was insecure) and that I had that choice before me now, either keep my secret or keep him as a friend.

 

Ok, so my knee jerk reaction is fear. I'm afraid of loosing him. I cry. I'm scared. I call my friends, no one is answering. I lay down to think. And it hits me. I'm MAD too! How dare he??? Why is he harassing me over something that did NOT break them up and should have NOTHING to do with anything as the stuff I heard was all good about them? I mean, hurtful to me, but good about them? I was really steaming up now. So when he called again I answered. I told him first off, I wasn't going to tell him who told me that stuff and that I never was going to tell him and that he could take that to the bank. Second off, I didnt' care what she thought, or her friends or even HIM. He had been calling me a liar for most of our relationship because of a misunderstanding over a picture and me lying about quitting smoking and I was SICK TO DEATH of being accused of something that I was not. I told him that while I still loved him and (he inturrupted me here and said "Yeah but love not reciprocated will die and you need to move on") so I said, that's my POINT K, I am moving on, I have been dating and just because I'm not making the mistake of getting serious with someone right away like he did, does NOT mean that I'm not moving on. That I remembered a conversation that he and I had had before moving out, about how he said that he couldn't say that we would never be together again, that he saw us having a future but that he couldn't say either way. I told him that to this day he still could not say "Coda, we will NEVER be together again" and I told him that he STILL couldn't say that (at this point he said that he didn't want to talk about this anymore so I told him to hang up then and kept talking and he kept listening). I told him that he better recognize that someday I WAS going to get to the point that I would say "K, we are NEVER going to be together again" and that at that point he will have lost the best thing that ever happened to him. That I loved him for his good things and his bad, that I loved him in spite of his faults and sometimes because of them. That he was a difficult person to live with, to deal with, to love, but that I had. That I had taken care of him, did things for him that he was too afraid to do himself, did things with him that I wasn't interested in but that he needed my help for. But that someday, someday he was going to loose that forever. I told him that he kept asking about who I was seeing and that I was going to tell him, I am seeing several people but one of them has been standing out a lot lately, that he is kind and giving, he is mature and intelligent, he is financially independent and could take care of me that way and that he likes me just as I am. (He inturrupted here and said that I should be with stupid dumb jerk of a guy, that he was an idiot, he said it petulantly, like a child not getting his way and I laughed and said he didn't even know him). That on one hand I had that person and the other I had him and then asked him which one was going to eventually going to come out on top? I told him that I was tired of his drama, that he was acting like what he had been associating with, like an immature person. That if he wanted drama, he could call his girlfriend. That I was tired of dealing with him that weekend and didn't care to anymore, to please not call me for the rest of the weekend, to have a nice day and I hung up and turned my phone off. He hasn't called.

 

I felt bad for saying those things when I know that he really was sad over breaking up with her, I think he thought he really was in love her, no matter how short a time they were together. BUT, I am tired of being treated the way he has been treating me since seeing her and I am putting my foot down. No more. I refuse.

 

So, how did I do? Do you think I messed things up saying that? Do you think i jerked him out of his day dream that I would always be there for him? I don't know.

[chai714]

So, how did I do? Do you think I messed things up saying that? Do you think i jerked him out of his day dream that I would always be there for him? I don't know.

 

I didn't read your entire post, but I read enough. You can't be in contact with him while you're still emotional. Him hanging up on you, talking about spreading rumors . . . .this is high school stuff.

 

Stay away, stay away, stay away. Don't answer the phone, email, text, or smoke signals. What's happening now, is there is a certain amount of damage being done to your relationship with him even though you can't see it. If you want him back, implement NC right now. It's not healthy for you or him to be in contact right now. Even though he's fresh out of his relationship with this other girl, it might seem like the right time to move in . . . BUT IT'S NOT.

[codaaurora]

Oh and one other thing, he kept saying that I need to move on and not be so concerned in his life and I asked him to name me one time that I called him without him calling me first and ASKING for me to call him back. He shut up then, but that wasn't good enough, I said it again, "K, tell me one time that I called you without you first asking me too, I want to hear you say it cause we both know what the answer is to that. I want to hear you say it so we both know that you aren't living your little fantasy of me living my life around what you are doing, calling you or emailing you or following you. I want you to tell me how often you get an email from me, or exactly when it is that I call. Tell me." I was quiet for a while, I was getting ready to say it again when he said "You don't, ok?" so I said, does that sound like someone who isn't trying to move on to you? And he said "No, okay? No." He sounded so defeated and upset. Did I mess up by taking on such a strong attitude with him? He is very prideful. I'm not stressing over it, but would just like an opinion.

[vhshowdown]

Ya, coda, this sucks. But you need to save your sanity and do no tbe in contact with him for awhile. This is harassment calling and calling, etc.. Which means he needs a little bit of help right now, like anger management (LOL) Obviously he wont get help, so you cant be the one to take it on the chin from him. Step back, it takes more energy when you miss a punch then when you actually hit the target. Same with someone who wants to yell and get it all out, well, we call looking for a fight to get it all out, and it eats us up inside when we cant get it out... Let him cool down first, do not do him any more favors, do not call him, etc...

 

Now coda, you had a good weekend, dont let him get you down now. Stay away from him for now, please.

 

Look it, I am thinking this dealing with the EX thing is not such a good idea. I go to VEGAS this coming weekend, and I am so looking forward to it. I have no plans to talk with my EX until sometime AFTER I get back. Who knows, maybe when I get back, I will do as I did last year, move on from her 100%. My life was pretty good and was getting better, when she was not in the picture at all.....

[codaaurora]

Hey guys, trust me, I'm not going to be calling him. I didn't all weekend, as a matter of fact, I didn't worry about it that much either. I talked to Keefy for a little bit on Saturday and he helped me work past most of my being upset. Anyway, I just wanted a guys opinion about whether I messed up all possible hope of a future by saying what I did. Either way, I meant it and am standing by it.

[chai714]

Anyway, I just wanted a guys opinion about whether I messed up all possible hope of a future by saying what I did. Either way, I meant it and am standing by it.

 

Believe it or not, most mistakes are recoverable. As long as humans are imperfect, then we all have the capacity to forgive. And if you don't think an action you took is forgiveable, you resort to psychological tactics to get people to forgive you. In your case though, I see no unforgiveable act so don't fret too much.

[codaaurora]

Thank you for that Chai. Do you think what I said maybe shook him up any? Maybe made him see that I'm not holding on and waiting for him? Do you think it scared him any?

 

I mean, K would normally be interrupting me at every turn, but during this one he was quiet and when he did say something or anything it was kind of in that petulant, childish, I'm not liking this way. Plus, he still can't say that we will never be together in the future. And, he told me "Fine, be with Jason, I don't care, he's a stupid idiot anyway, that dumb MF, I hate him". That just oozes jealousy to me.

 

The last time I talked to him like that was back in November when we got back together. He said that I scared him and impressed him and turned him on with how strong and committed I was to my convictions. Do you think, with him being so prideful, that what I did this time drove him away or made him wake up that I'm not pursuing him like he likes to believe I am?

[chai714]

Thank you for that Chai. Do you think what I said maybe shook him up any? Maybe made him see that I'm not holding on and waiting for him? Do you think it scared him any?

 

Why would it matter if it shook him up? Realize that this isn't a battle of who can aggravate the other person more. This only causes damage for future relations. Your and his communication is not positive right now, so cut it out for now. You showing him that you're not waiting for him is much more effective than telling him. If you want to have an advantage in your situation, cut contact first and keep it that way until you can come up with more productive tactics (and are more healed).

[keefy1972]

I personally feel coda did the absolute right thing. She stood her ground and showed she isnt his doormat. This goes a long way in earning back the respect you may have lost from him. It is so much more attractive for a woman to stand up to me and let me know that I am not the only man in the world. I think if she did anything, she improved the way he views her. True Chai, whether his world is shook doesnt matter, but she should feel good and be proud that she reached a limit and told him the way it is, and the way it will become if things continue on their current path. Those that we pursue sometime need a reality check too!!

[codaaurora]

Keefy,

 

Thanks! Exactly my point, K has spent a long time thinking that he is the "Top Dog" and has been treating like that. He told me once, during an dispute in which I remained calm and in control and he was the one freaking out, that by me laying down the law and not letting him get away with BS had really made me more attractive to him then ever. I have been a doormat for him since we moved out. I haven't stood up to him the way I should have for fear of loosing him. But you know what? I'm not so afraid of that anymore. I AM tired of being used and treated badly by him and am glad on some level that I told him the way it is. He needed to hear me say that. He had somehow gotten it into his head that I was spending all my time thinking about him and doing things to learn about him, when I hadn't been at all. I hadn't called him out of the blue since back in Feb., but he was thinking that every call I made was like that when really it was me returning his phone calls (usually after a day or so). That I hardly ever emailed him (I've sent three and two were to reply to him and one was to send him pictures that I knew he would want, but with no message in the body, just a forward). I needed to point out to him that he was wrong in thinking the way he was, because I think that was causing him to treat me with disdain. Now he knows that it wasn't like that at all and I hope it shook him. He needs to be woken up a little bit and realize that he is NOT the end all be all of everything to me. He's not. I love him. I miss him. I want to be with him. BUT not at the expense of ANYTHING in my life. I'm done with that. Thanks to you both tho, I'm not going to be calling him anytime in the near future, he is supposed to call me tomorrow about his tire/rim (this was from Friday, since Saturday that could have changed), I don't want to be a B and not return that phone call but I'm not going to jump on his call either. He can just wait until I'm ready to call him.

[vhshowdown]

Coda, that was said very nicely!! I agree with u 100%. Just give it some time, like I said he has to get this anger phase out of him, then he can think more clearly. But under no circunstances do you give him what he wants, to fight.... When someone cant fight, it drives them crazy!! So stay away for awhile...

 

 

My vent for today:

I think I am gonna take my own advice here as well. H called me today, and everything was cool at first, then she tells me her car broke down, etc... OK so I gave her support, like I always do. Then I go I have some good news, I won $180 playing poker this weekend. Oh, well good for you. So then I asked the question I never should have asked: How was your weekend? Oh no, I listen to 15 minutes of b@#ching!! OMG!!! I listened to more about her car. It happened Friday nite, so she had to call her "man" to come get her. (oh they werent together on a Friday nite, hmmmm) Then Saturday nite she was supposed to go to her friends house and have girls nite, but she had no car, so her "man" offered to take her. (hmmm they werent gonna spend sat. nite together either huh LOL) Then she has to borrow $$ for her rent, and she has to borrow $$ to have her car fixed. And then I heard how she hates her mom, etc... OMG, why did I ask!! I then told her I gotta go........ I am gonna learn not to ask anything.... LOL And no I didnt offer any $$!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And now she calls me and leaves a message on my answer machine, just calling to see what you are doing? thats it, I will talk to you later...

[keefy1972]

That's cool V. She is using "her man" like a big dog. Aren't you glad that isn't you?

[vhshowdown]

hey keefy, hows it going bro? you send an email yet? you are darn tooting I am glad... She is using him, and that is about it. And the "man" thing was to get somehting out of me I think, and I didnt say a word, or change my tune like she wanted me to. LOL and then calls me a few minutes ago... whatever!!

 

I still havent told her I am going to VEGAS either!!! And well, I am not gonna let her get me down this week, sorry charlie

[chai714]

Coda - I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for yourself. Everyone should stand up for themselves and never be anyone's doormat. I was talking about you trying to put him in his place. I don't think that it proves anything, especially if your goal is to get him back into your life. You're welcome to throw in the towel anytime you want, but realize that it's how you make him feel that will ultimately determine your fate with him. If you think putting him in his place would make him feel good about you, then so be it.

 

In dealing with my ex, never did I put her in her place. It's not a matter of winning arguments. It's a matter of winning them back into your life, through making them feel good about themselves and about you. This involves a combination of acting like an on/off switch - when you're on, you're delivering emotional fulfillment and when you're off, your contact with them is limited and you act almost indifferent with them. Would you want someone who puts you in your place, back in your life? Respect is part of attraction and like, but it's not earned through arguing with that person.

[codaaurora]

Chai,

 

If I was acting like a horses butt to someone who had been nothing but kind and giving to me, then yes, I would appreciate them giving me a little perspective. I wouldn't at the time, but later I would. That's living in a fantasy world. Also, I'm not so concerned with getting back with him anymore. Like I said, I love and miss him, but am sick of him walking around like he owns me and is choosing not to be with me...at this time. I had had it. Plus, There are some other issues that have been going on with him for the past couple of weeks that V, Keefy and Blue know about. Trust me, it was high time for him to get pushed off of his pedastal. If that means I've lost him, then so be it. I just wanted to know a perspective, not so I could fix it, but so I could prepare myself mentally for all eventualities.

 

~Coda

[codaaurora]

Hey V!

 

I'm glad to hear that you handled her and her Bee Otching so well!!! HAHA, you know, a woman who tells ya all that stuff is looking for sympathy and why would she want sympathy from you? Things that make you go hmmm? The only time I ever played the sympathy card was when things were getting desperate and I felt the guy pulling away from me.

 

You're doing the right thing here V. Go to Vegas and have fun! Dont' worry about anything and just immerse yourself in the "now".

 

Also, keep the positive attitude up!

[codaaurora]

UPDATE

 

Are you ready for this??? I mean, I've been laughing all morning. He called me yesterday. On my home phone cause he knows that I don't have caller ID on that. I answered ( #-o ) and he asks me how I'm doing. I said "Good, what's up?". He asks me what I'm doing so I tell him I'm busy writing, and again ask him what's up. He then asks if he can use my car tomorrow (Today/Tuesday). Okay, so I'm thinking that it's for the repair of his car (remember the tire and rims?) and so I'm like "What time will you have it back?" and he said that it would def be before I got off from work. I asked how he can know that for sure unless his appointment was for early in the morning. He hemmed and hawed and said that it wasn't for the car and I said what is it for K? He then told me he needed to go to LA and when I asked why, he told me it was none of my business and stop trying to get involved in his personal matters.

 

 

 

I was like, "Are you kidding me? You ask to use MY car and then have the audacity to tell me to stop trying to get involved in your personal matters? You are insane, calling me to ask to use my car to go and meet a chick in LA". So then I said "Uh Yeah, that's gonna be a NO, next question?" and he got all upset and said it shouldn't matter how he uses the car as long as nobody is in it and I laughed and told him good night. I hung up. I then went back to work on writing on my computer, I had signed on earlier looking for you guys and low and behold, who signs on and starts writing to me. NOW here is another funny little tidbit, he used the Yahoo Personals Environment and so part of his new profile came up (cause you know he's on the prowl again) and it showed him as being 30!!!!!! I almost peed my pants laughing!!! I didn't repsond to what he wrote but DID write this..."So, your 30 now? Funny how you age backwards! Who's the liar now K?" and then made myself invisible, but he kept writing to me and silly me I kept answering but I tell you what, I was being a little bit of a mouthy B to him. AND HE KEPT COMING BACK FOR MORE. I even at one point told him that I was busy, that I made myself invisible for a reason and for him to have fun ruining his car tomorrow driving it to LA on a donut and closed the session. He wrote to my other screen name!!!! ROFLMAO. So I finally told him that I was busy, have a good night and signed off of everything. I then gave up writing for the night cause honestly I was laughing so much from his BS and HE CALLED ME ON THE PHONE!!!! He tried to joke around with me, asked me how fast he could go on the donut, what was too fast, what it could do to his car, whatever he could do to keep me on the phone until I finally laughed and said that I had to go. He said ok, good night and I said BYE (laughing) and hung up.

 

I mean how FUNNY is that? LOLOL The meaner I am to him (and by mean, I mean Coda style mean, which is not giving into his every whim, not being at his beck and call, not saying "Oh K, what's up with you, how are you, how can I help you, tell me all about it" but instead saying "You called, what's up?")....the less I put up with his BS.....the more he calls me/contacts me/texts me. It's hilarious. Don't worry though, I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket. Yesterday, when I told him that I wasn't giving him my car so he could go and meet a chick, he told me that we aren't an "item" any more and that I should stop being concerned with his personal life. The old Coda would have said something complacent. The new Coda said "Well then, stop calling me and dragging me into your personal life then."

 

LOL So did I do good? LOL

[keefy1972]

Coda, you did great babe. It is very funny actually. Guess he kind of forgot how upset he was the other day, huh? It's always amazing how they can "spin on a dime" when they are made to feel they have to win YOU over in some way. You did great about the car thing. You just feel so much better when you are in control, don't you?

[codaaurora]

Keefy,

 

Most definitely man. I am finally in control and it feels wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I in no way think that I am in control of him, but I am definitely in control of my feelings for and towards him.

 

The funniest thing is, you know I told you that he asked me to cancel that claim on Saturday so I did and called him back and let him know that I had. Low and Behold, he calls me today all funny and joking, saying that he got info in the mail about the claim and if he should us it and did I cancel the claim! LOL

 

I called him when I knew he wouldn't answer and left him a message that "Yes, I did cancel the claim, don't you remember, I told you Saturday? Boy, making yourself 5 years younger on your profile isn't doing much for your memory huh?? " and I laughed and then hung up.

 

I feel so much better! So much more in control of my life and feelings and emotions! This is great! How are you my boys?

[crash45]

HAHAHA way to handle the situation coda, it feels good to laugh some times.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

\

 

It feels very good to laugh!

 

Thanks guys!