VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

HAHA, you guys are funny. I just want yous to know, I do apreciate everything that you are doing for me. I came to this bored for 2 reasons. 1. To find people like myself, in a similar situation. 2. For outside, unbiased advice. And that is exactly what I am getting. I don't know where I would be without you guys. I imagine I would still be calling everyday, and feeling like crap constantly. I have already felt my confidence level going up. Way more than it has been in probably over a year.

 

I know neither of you hate my ex, I didn't mean it like that at all. I know everyone on here wants what is best for me, as I want whats best for all of you. I want to see you all happy too. I think we are all great people. Everyone on this site deserves better, and are amazing in my eyes for seeing what may be wrong with themselves, and changing not only to make a better mate or get someone back, but to be a better person for themselves.

 

When she asked me to come see her, at first she didn't ask me to come see her, just to see her. She just asked if I wanted to come to her town on my way home. Then I asked why. Then she said she needed my help. I dont think that really makes a difference, but in my mind is a step forward in the right direction for her. Because that was different than it usually was.

 

I have always followed my heart, and it is telling me that I want to see her, and that she asked me to, so I should. But I have followed these thoughts for almost a year now (a year june 17th ) and they have only lead me astray. I will follow what yous suggest. It wouldn't be a good night for me to go anyways. So I will just tell her that. I may not go home that night, and if I do, it probably won't be till later.

 

Now, if I tell her I can't make it tomorrow, and she asks about Saturday, or Sunday, I dont really have excuses for those days. I have the feeling you are going to say, no matter what, don't do it. Its actually closer to her from my parents place then it is from my place. 40 mins apposed to 2 hours.

 

BTW, I don't see her wanting me to drive behind her as her using me because she could get anyone to do that. I see it as an excuse to see me. I know you are going to say I am making up excuses too. I don't feel as tho I am, but it would be really nice to hear her say that she wants todo something.

 

I will take the advice tho, and I REALLY do appreciate all the advice, as I am posting on here quite alot, and it must be like a full time job for yous to keep up on my drama. I appologize for that.

[keefy1972]

No apologies needed Blue. We are here to help each other out.

 

As far as Saturday Sunday goes, you dont need an excuse. You are too busy to do it. You already have plans. She don't need to know what they are, just that you have them. Hell tell her you have a date. It would be good for her to think she isnt the only fish in the sea for you. A little competition could be just what the doctor ordered for her waning interest.

 

People are often attracted to what others find desirable. Make her think you ARE desired by someone else. She dont need details though. Make it a mystery. These are factors that will work in your favor. Trust me.

[keefy1972]

Ok, here we are, about 48 hours after my incident and still no word from her. My apprehension continues to grow and I cant do anything about it. Being honest, I dont really have any urges to write, text, or call her. I think the space I am putting between us is a good thing. It will give her plenty of room to let all that I said sink in and she will see that I meant what I said. I am beginning to feel that what happened was, in reality, a very good thing for me.

 

Coda, you may be right when you said that it was a little soon, but I dont care. This has gone on long enough in my mind and if it expedites the process of her telling me, "I am GOING to make it work with him", then all that was accomplished is that I have saved myself any future grief. That's a good thing. I know I am beating my head against a wall in wondering if it accomplished anything at all, when I know, whats going to wind up happening is nothing. I know she will never say, "you know, I really thought about what you said and ...", but I do have a fantasy that that will happen. I suspect she will leave for her grandmother's tomorrow morning without getting in touch with me at all. I dont think I will hear from her at all until I run into her at work. Whenever that may be. I know she will probably go into work at the same time as usual on Tuesday and I will make it a point to get there a little early so I dont run into her. While she soaks in all I said, I dont want to run into her. I want her to think about it without me being there.

 

You know something else I told her was, when she was asking if I would hate her, I said, "I care about you a great deal and there's no way I could ever hate you". Notice that I didnt say I Love you? That's a big deal because I could have and a few months ago I would have. I do, but it is time I stop saying so. I havent, to the best of my recollection, said I Love you to her, in quite a while. She dont need to hear that right now and I certainly dont need to profess that anytime soon.

 

If I am not going to be able to hear from her for a while and will not email her myself, I have to say on here, that I really hope she has a good time this weekend with her grandmother. I really love the way she spends time with her. She drives two hours accross the state to spend the weekend with her 89 year old grandmother who lives with her 94 year old sister. I just think it is very sweet.

[codaaurora]

BTW, I don't see her wanting me to drive behind her as her using me because she could get anyone to do that. I see it as an excuse to see me. I know you are going to say I am making up excuses too.

 

Blue, I hate to tell you, but I'm not going to accuse you of making up excuses. I am going to tell you that you have been living in this incredible world for the past year. One of her calling you and you responding. You've been doing this for so long that you actually BELIEVE that this behaviour is okay and any little bone she throws your way, you run to catch it. Yes, she can get anyone to help her with this. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe she should, get someone else to help her that is? You are not in a position to be just friends right now and she knows this. She's using you on purpose. Trust me.

 

It's time to stop BLUE. I'm serious. Just stop. I want you to pretend that the above statment was written by me about my ex. I'm serious. Sit back, close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, relax and now pretend I am sitting right beside you, I'm telling you that after almost a year of K using me, now he wants to see me but can only ask by tacking on that he needs me to follow him in his broken down car or drive it for him, I think that this is HIS excuse to see me, I'm happy about it, I feel good about it. What do you feel for me? Do you see the holes in it?

 

WHY SHOULD I FEEL HAPPY THAT SOMEONE CAN'T EVEN COME OUT AND SAY THEY WANT TO SEE ME??? You see what I mean? This is base. She knows you, she knows you better than all of us and she has been playing you like fiddle for almost a year and you keep letting her!

 

 

LOL Blue, hon, come on. You KNOW you deserve to have someone not only WANT to spend time with you, but want to come out and say it. To not be so ashamed to say it or afraid too. You deserve to have someone look at you and think that you are the moon and stars and heaven on earth, instead of just someone to drive their broke down car. You deserve to have a feeling for someone that when you look at them, your heart breaks out in song and you find that it is singing harmony with theirs. You can't find this person if your busy driving her broken down car for her. She HAS a boyfriend. She HAS a father. Let her call one of them. Let her call a tow truck, heck, let the car sit there and rot!! She needs to grow up Blue and so do you. Stop letting her pull you around by your nose.

 

JUST SAY NO. You'll feel so much better when you do. Trust me.

 

As for this weekend, you are busy, that's it. She's not your girlfriend, she's not even acting like your friend, so she is not on a need to know basis. OKAY?

[keefy1972]

good post coda

[codaaurora]

While she soaks in all I said, I dont want to run into her. I want her to think about it without me being there.

 

You know Keefy, you also have to think about this from a new perpective.

 

You have NEVER taken this tact with her before. Is it possible that now she is even more whacked out and confused than before? I mean, look, before you guys would have this issue and then she always got the reassuring email from you (on some level she liked it, whether she said it bothered her or not, cause if it truly bothered her, she would have told you, like I did K). This time, no reassuring email. No I love you. No over-reacting. No anger. No Keith. What the heck is going on???? This was probably all running through her head and probably still is. On the tails of that is: am I loosing him, how do I feel about that, do I REALLY want to live and stay and grow old with the already old fart?

 

She could be severly mad at you for not doing what she expected, in her mind though it will b something else, liiiiiike your lying to her and your really mad and hiding it. She could be mad or sad because you "obviously" don't love her anymore. She could be depressed because of your change towards her. She could just NOT know how to deal with it and has decided to spend some time thinking about it.

 

I know, I had a boyfriend once whom I lived with. His name was Michael and I loved him so very much. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and a gorgeous smile and a wicked British accent that really melted my heart. But he was kind as well and giving and funny and intelligent. I miss him alot sometimes but know that he is married now and happy (plus, we never would have worked because of our extreme difference in religion). Either way, Micheal and I had hit a rough patch and I did something that I knew would get a certain reaction out of him because the last time I did it he had reacted strongly and I KNEW then that he loved me. Weird yes? Okay, that's a girl thing, a young immature girl thing, but you get my point. I was wrong. I was also wrong in assuming that he would act a certain way. He didn't. He was calm and serene and told me "As you wish" and walked out for his daily jog.

 

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I was completely flabbergasted. I mean, what the heck was going on? He didn't love me anymore, that's what was going on!!!! LOL

 

See what I mean? We women have a tendency to over read, over analyze. Just be patient and give it time. I promise you, you won't have to wait long for her to talk to you. She won't be able to help herself.

[keefy1972]

I know what you are saying coda and I am reading you. You left out the one possibility that worries me the most. Maybe she hasn't given it a second thought since I walked out of her office. All of what you said is possible, however, so is this one. And to be honest, it is what worries me the most.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Ex just called, I don't have much time here. I'm really busy here at work.

 

She asked if I was coming, I said no, I wasn't going home tonight. She said I have to come. She has already gotten a parking ticket. She was starting to get ticked off. I had to let her go cuz I had a phone call about work. I told her I will call her back.

 

I feel like crap, because I wouldnt' have done this for her in the past. This makes it really confusing.

[keefy1972]

Your past PREDICTABLE BEHAVIOUR is exactly what needs to change Blue. Why is that so confusing to you? KEEP DOING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING AND YOU WILL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GETTING!!!!

 

Repeat that and analyze that statement until you REALLY get it!!

[keefy1972]

And who in the hell is she to get pissed at you for not doing something for her when and where she expects you to? Is she your girlfriend?? Last time I read this post she wasnt. So she got a ticket? Good, grow up and pay the thing. Sounds like this spoiled brat needs to learn about being responsible instead of dumping all of her garbage on you. Good grief!! Hate to burst your bubble Blue, but she DOES have other people in her life that she can call on, but she dont and you know why? No it isnt because she wants to see you, it's because she KNOWS you will not say no to her!! Everyone else in her life is probably already aware of her tendency to use people. You just happen to be blinded by love and dont want to see it that way. It is time you start to get pissed off at her for being so unfair to a guy who is clearly to tender hearted to say no. Get MAAAAAAAAD MAN!!!

[keefy1972]

Blue, inquiring minds want to know...how old are you and your ex???

 

Dont be defensive, it doesnt really matter, but I have a feeling you guys are fairly young and I am impressed that you are seeking help. Thats a mature decision to make.

[codaaurora]

BLUE

 

Ok, here is what you need to say to her.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ticket {insert spoiled brats name here} but I can't always be here to help you and we aren't together anymore. I really have to go, but good luck getting that done.

 

And make sure that you have a calm, mature, sorrowful voice on when you do it. Not a whiny, scared, please don't hate me voice. OKAY?

 

Blue, I'm serious man. HOW DARE SHE?? She's just like my ex, getting all indignant because I wouldn't let him borrow my car to go to LA to meet some new chick. I woke up Blue, you can too! Have faith in yourself. Have faith in what we are telling you.

 

Let us know if you need anything, I will check in this weekend to make sure everything is going well.

[codaaurora]

KEEFY

 

I don't believe that is a possibility. I'm sorry but it's just not. Did you read what I wrote to Blue?

 

Women have a tendency to over-read / over -analyze / over - think issues and problems and events and anything else that tends to float into our heads and stick there.

 

Talking to you. Asking you to come into a secluded room. Asking YOU for a hug. Telling you you smell nice too. Not saying definitely anything about them or where they are headed. Being curious if you were angry. Being confused when you weren't. All of this is not going to lead to a shrug of the shoulders and an oh well. It's gonig to lead to the same thing that she has been thinking about for a couple of weeks atleast. Thinking about you. Otherwise, why bring up the music (artist/song/lyrics), why the imagery of the clothes, why the weekend details?

 

Open up your eyes sweetie. Same goes to you too! Except you need to stop thinking the negatives and start just LIVING in the here and now. Nothing BAD has happened yet. She hasn't come up to you and said "Keefy, I want to be with you", granted, BUT she also HAS NOT come up to you and said "Keefy, I DON'T want to be with you....ever". You see?

[keefy1972]

I know Coda, you are right, but it is as it seems: I am doing my absolute best to keep myself from hoping only to be let down. I am only seeing the negative possibilities as a way of protection.

 

Mainly because I know that, after that nonchalant email I sent wednesday, I am back to no contact and am apprehensive about her contacting me and wondering what it will be like.

 

But you know it is kind of dizzying to ponder the "what ifs" so I guess I need to stop pondering them. The good news is today is my Sunday and I have survived an entire uneventful weekend without breaking down and emailing, texting, or calling her. The urges have come in small spurts and I have been able to dismiss them as quickly as they have arisen.

 

By the way, whenever you make your way down to florida, I am gonna take you out and get you drunk!! On me!!!

[codaaurora]

Muaw ahahahaha. That'll be a cheap night for you considering I get drunk off of two martini's.

 

 

 

[keefy1972]

I got nothing really. Just wanted to be post No. 400.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy, I knew someone was going to ask my age at some point here.

 

I'm 22 and she is 21. Don't think differently of me because of my age. I have a full time job as a computer programmer. She is going to University. We live about 300 km apart now.

 

She called me back, and I told her I couldn't help her, I wasn't going home. Get this, she said that her dad was going to come fix the car today, but she told him not to because she said I was going to come fix it. But I don't care, I didnt respond to that when she said it. She asked me if I was ever going to come to her town, I didn't really say anything, but looking back I should have said, if I was invited I would think about it!

[keefy1972]

no, looking back, you should have said, "Sure I would if I was invited without the strings of having to do something for you attatched"

 

But you did great though! Stop allowing yourself to get used. You deserve better.

[keefy1972]

Ok, this thread is losing a bit of steam which is, I guess, a good thing maybe. Well, I had an "interesting" weekend.

 

I knew she was going to her grandmother's for the weekend, which is a fairly long drive, and I got the urge to send her a text message wishing her a great weekend. I did this and got no response. I did it again, and again and ended up calling and she never answered. My impulsiveness got the better of me. I felt like crap for that. I finally got control over my impulses and stopped. She then called me and left a message telling me, "I dont know what's going on with you today, im not mad at you and everything is alright. I have no privacy here to have a conversation so I will call you tomorrow on my way home".

 

Sunday came and she called me. We talked for about 45 minutes and had, what I think is, the best conversation we have ever had. WE made fun of the impulsiveness I showed the day before, it was all laughing and joking and felt good to have that kind of conversation with her again. The type of behavior I showed on Saturday is EXACTLY what I have been trying to avoid for so long and I felt like the last few months work had been destroyed. Luckily we were both able to laugh about it, although we both agreed I still had a bit of work to do to keep those urges under control. In our conversation she admitted to noticing that I had backed off of her significantly lately and as a result, "I dont know if you noticed but I was initiating contact with you more. I was emailing you and text messaging you without you doing it first. That's what I was trying to tell you for so long. You backed off and gave me room to do it".

 

Makes me wonder what would happen if I stop contact all together. If I stop replying to her emails and text messages. Hmmmm.

I re-emphasized that I couldn't help it that I thought of her as more than a friend, "I have tried everything possible and I just cant think of you as just a friend" she said, "I know". I continued, "I dont think I will ever be able to until, MAYBE, you get married to someone else and are off the market. IF then". She said she knew that and couldnt see me as just a friend either. "You are always going to be very special to me. We are always going to have that 'attraction' going on". What in the hell does that mean. She cant see me as just a friend either and yet wants to continue a "friendship" with me. I am perplexed. Can you say security blanket, maybe?? I dont know. I do realize she is, by continuing this with me, being sort of unfair to the relationship she has with the other guy. She isnt exactly giving that her all if she is intent on maintaining a relatioship of sorts with me, is she??

 

Anyone got any suggestions for my next moves???

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy,

 

From doing alot of reading on this site, I have found that everyone will say that there is no reason an ex will keep in contact especially if they are seeing someone else, unless they still have feelings for the ex, 9 times out of 10. Most will agree and say that it is not right to keep in touch with an ex. Its not fair to the other person (the new bf/gf).

 

The only thing I can say is you must resist your urges to call or text her. If you absolutly must, you need to realize that she will not message you back. Realise that you are sending the message to her, not expecting anything in return. If you get something back, then great. Sounds to me like you are sending texts hoping she will respond. You want to her from her, so you send a text, and await a reply. Hoping that when she gets it she will phone you, or write you something nice in return. I don't really have any advice on what todo next.

 

As for myself, the ex texted me last night about 11:30pm (first time she has tried contacting me since Friday), I didn't get them as I was sleeping (slept right through it). I got them at about 5:30am as my phone beeps every 5 mins until I check them. Haven't texted her back or anything yet (don't think I will). First one just asked if I was sleeping. Second one was something like, "I'll take that as you are, or your busy and don't have time for me".

[keefy1972]

WOW, was that outoftheblue or am I just imaging that?? Very nice post Blue, seems as though you are getting the hang of this. I agree, I know I do send her a text with hopes of hearing from her. Guilty as charged! I know I shouldnt but it is hard when all you want is acknowledgement.

 

I would suggest you dont reply. The "when you have time for me" comment she made to you is her lashing out because you arent giving her what she wants. Dont fall prey to that. Ignore it and dont reply.

[codaaurora]

Isnt' it amazing how well we all seem to do and then BAM, the next moment we are falling into a pit of despair.

 

You know, I sometimes truly hate this and wonder if it/him is worth all of this suffering.

 

He can't come out and tell me that we will never be together again, but then again he never has been able to say it. I've point that out to him, recently in fact, a couple of weeks ago, and he couldn't say anything to it. In a way, a part of me is just screaming to get it over and done with already and just say that "we will never be together again". BUT, I don't want to be the one to do that. I want HIM to say it. I dont' want to take the chance of saying it when there is still a chance for us and that is so pathetic. I mean, here I am being concerned over loosing him and FOR WHAT I ask you? For the crude he brings to my life? For the pain? For the indecision? For the not knowing? I don't know. I guess it's because I still love him and what we had together, the good and the bad. That we could have had a fabulous life together. I guess I hold on to that.

 

So maybe what I need to do instead of making a snap decision, is to just be patient with myself. Instead of wondering and being upset over not have a "conclusion", perhaps instead I should be focusing on me and healing. Focusing that I need to be a better Coda and not worry about being a better Coda with a future for him.

 

I don't know. I'll think on this somemore and write later.

[vhshowdown]

Isnt' it amazing how well we all seem to do and then BAM, the next moment we are falling into a pit of despair.

 

You know, I sometimes truly hate this and wonder if it/him is worth all of this suffering.

 

I agree with ya coda. This is why I am taking a break from H. right now. I have talked to her about once a week, and that is it. And that is at her calling me. I have yet to return any of her calls in a few weeks. And you know, I feel alot better. Its weird, I have NO desire to call her right now. I am keeping busy, the weather is great, I have my health ( ) I dont need the BS in my life right now!! Maybe you guys should take a break from your EXes, its a breath of fresh air!!!

 

Oh, and I havent been ignoring you guys, we are still in this together, but l just been taking some time away not thinking of H......

[keefy1972]

Hey V, glad to see you are still kickin' and have your health .

 

Well I need to, once again, follow your lead maybe and take a nice vacation from L and all of this crap. I saw her again today as I was training in the same area as where she was working. Nothing happened, she was a ways from where I was, yet we were watching each other and smiling at each other from accross the room. That's about the extent of it. When I was leaving, I turned and looked at her and she gave me the droopy bottom lip sad face look. I did it back and walked off.

 

I don't know, sometimes I just wonder if i would be best served to just cut my losses here, cut contact completely, and give myself a REAL chance to move on. When I see her it is very nice, but once she/I leave I am on a downer because I know I won't be seeing her again for a while. That really makes me sad. I am noticing that on days that I see her, those are the days that, after the fact, I think hardest about cutting all contact with her and moving on. Is it because I get so sad when it's over that it depresses me?? Or is it because I am thinking negatively and think that it doesnt make her sad? Maybe both.

 

Today is just one of those days that throwing in the towel is a very real, although painful, option. I am no quitter and don't want to really give up on something I really believe in, but I am human and I can only take the ups and downs for so long. I am not going to be contacting her...or should I say, continue to NOT initiate contact with her and take a reactive role. I sometimes wonder, if she actually knew how much time I spend on her without even being near her, would she think I was somewhat psycho?? It is scary to me, sometimes, and the times that I do get scared are the times I think I should give it up.

 

I know while we were dating I made the majority, not all, but the majority of mistakes. I have shouldered the responsibility of my actions and have endured paying the price for it. I am just getting to where I think the punishment is starting to outweigh the crimes. How much longer am I willing to "act" as if us being together isnt important to me?? I don't know that I can keep this to myself for much longer. I know it's in my best interest to do that, but dammit it is a struggle. I just wish that she would pick up the phone and call me and say, "you know, I have been thinking alot about you and me lately...." I dont care where it goes from there, just would be nice to hear her TELL me this as opposed to me having to take note of the little things, piece stuff together, and guess. I just want a weeee little bit of reciprocation. You guys feel me??

[keefy1972]

"Throw me a fricking bone people" (Dr. Evil)