VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[keefy1972]

I understand everyone's advice here and respect it. But this is no desperate attempt at anything. Im not looking for an explanation or for acceptance here. What I am doing is standing up to her and telling her I WILL NOT be disrespected like that. I am not some fair weather person that she can use at her convenience. Im sorry, im not going to tolerate that. There is a point when you have to stand up for yourself and for how you will be treated. She will not ignore me while making it a point that I see her chatting with everyone else and expect me to be ok with that. I am not and will not act as though i am. I didn't take pot shots at her or express one tenth of the anger I actually felt. I simply let her know that I respect myself and will be respected by her. If she don't I can live with that too, but it wont involve her in my life. End of story.

[codaaurora]

I understand everything that you are saying but my friend, you are spiralling out of control right now.

 

When I wrote that letter to my ex I did not do it the first time he treated me with disrespect. I didn't even do it the second time. It was after the third time in a week that I wrote him that letter.

 

I'm telling you Keefy, that no matter what, you don't have any ground to stand on here. She did it ONCE. You haven't told her that it bothered you in the past, so you can't act now like she is making some huge offensive manevuer. You just can't. You are in the wrong here Keefy. I hate to say it, I really do. But you are.

 

If you want to write her and tell her that you didn't like how you felt yesterday after she ignored you then go ahead. But it's making a big deal out of what is essentially nothing. Everyone is supposed to get a second chance here and you aren't even giving her half of ONE.

 

How fair are you being right now? Granted, what she did was wrong and it hurt you. Yes, you deserve to be treated with respect and you should be able to demand it, but by sending her a long email that makes it sound like she's been treating you this way for weeks or even more than once? No, that's not the way to handle it and if you would just calm down you would see that. Did she honestly do anything malicious? No. She simply didn't say hello. She didn't sign a contract saying that she HAD to. She doesn't OWE you anything, but to be honest here Keefy, you're acting like she owes you EVERYTHING. This is your biggest problem and it has been ever since I met you.

 

YOU NEED TO CALM THE FRIG DOWN AND I MEAN IT. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh with you but it's the truth.

[keefy1972]

Fair enough, but this ISN'T the first time. She has done this type of thing several times. She knows how it makes me feel as we have discussed it many times. I am at fault for sweeping it under the rug for so long but I will not anymore. Im sorry you disagree with me, but you are wrong about one thing. She does owe me something: She owes me respect. If she wont give it I am not going to cower down and let that be acceptable. I am not walking on eggshells with her or treating her with "kid gloves" any longer. It's not my style but I have been doing that with her for too long as it is now. No more. Nothing worse is going to come of it than what I am getting now, so why would I let this go and be ok with it? I would not accept that treatment from ANY of the people that call themselves my friends. Why should I let her get away with it? Because I care about her so much?? No way! She has as much of a right to ignore me as she wants, but I also have the right to tell her I wont let that happen. If that means we dont talk anymore...ever, I am ok with that. I really am. I have limits to what I will deem acceptable.

[keefy1972]

Plus you say it's no big deal...It is to me. Even after sleeping on it, it is a matter of being respected and I will be. Everything is always on her terms and that stops NOW!!! I am a human being with feelings and I will get what I seek whether it is from her or someone else. She is most definitely not the only one out there and God knows she isnt perfect so why should I act like I am scared of losing something I dont have??

[codaaurora]

Ok, since you've never mentioned her doing this before, you have to understand my stance on that, HOWEVER, when was the last time that you mentioned this to her?

 

Second, if it's been over a couple of months then if you have to send her an email, keep it short and to the point. Dont' bring all that other stuff. Something like this...

 

Hey Linda,

 

You know, I wasn't going to say anything but the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I know you didnt' see me until it was too late, but to be honest with you it didn't feel that way to me. I got the impression that you purposely ignored me, especially when other people asked if I got to talk to you. It kind of brought it home that I wasn't the only one to notice. I don't know why or for what reason you did it, but I am letting you know that it bothered me. Since your my friend, I'm telling you like I would anyone else.

 

~Keith

 

That's all you need to tell her. Arrange it however you want, but you don't need to make any bigger deal of it than that. Otherwise all your going to do is start a ...

 

 

 

Get me?

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I need some advice.

 

I can't stop thinking about what the ex said the other day when talking to her. Her mentioning me not being there for her when she was upset, like I said I was. When I asked why she was upset, she said she has been upset about the decisions she has made about her love life. She also made references to me making her happy. She said that in no way asking me to drive behind her was her using me. She said she wanted to see me. She cleaned her house, and got dressed up, then I cancelled. She got mad when I avoided her questions, like when are we going to go shopping, and when she is going to see my place, stuff like that.

 

I think I should just go back to ignoring her for awhile until I know she has left her b/f or I can handle this better. I kinda feel like I have taken some steps back. Like the reason she called me and we talked was because she cares about me and wants me back. It feels good, but I don' t think that is the case, but I can't help but wonder.

 

Any ideas why she would say these things, and what my next move should be?

[keefy1972]

My guess is she says these things to make you feel guilty for not jumping at her every wish and command. That is your fault for being like that before but not any longer. It was being that way that was making you an unlikely future boyfriend because she was losing respect for you. You ignoring her sometimes and not satisfying her wishes...on her terms, will earn and is earning that respect back from her. Dont let the old fashioned guilt trip work man. Stay strong!

[keefy1972]

By the way...do you REALLY think she would actually admit to using you?? I seriously doubt it.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thanks Keefy, your right, she wouldn't admit it. She also asked me for my help getting her back on track w/ her singing career. I have been the only one that hasn't given up on her through-out everything. Like help find her gigs, and drive her to them. I would LOVE to do these things for her. BTW, she has said any of my arguments against her aren't relivent because she feels differently in the past 3 weeks. Funny, cuz we have barely talked in 3 weeks. :S

[keefy1972]

kind of proves what we've been preaching a little bit, right?

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

No offence Coda, but WOMEN SUCK!!! Your AWESOME tho!!!

[codaaurora]

 

 

Hey No Problem Blue.....Cause Guys SUCK!!! ahaha

 

But I luv you guys tho!

 

Yeah, so went out friday with a bunch of people from work and a guy I know was there. Everytime I see/talk/spend time with him I like him more and more. He's handsome and funny, he's also intelligent and quick witted. He flirted with me a lot friday night which made me feel great as he is known for only going after the HOT girls and I've never been considered that. However, a mutual friend told me that he will only go after a girl with looks and smarts and that they saw him blow off two extremely hot girls on Friday night because they weren't the brightest speciman's. WOW.

 

So I brougth my camera that night and got a bunch of pictures of us all and he and I seem to be in a lot of them. Hmmmm??

 

Then Saturday the ex called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie ( he did NOT mention that it would be just a friend thing ) so I said yes. He wound up being too late for a theater movie, so we went to rent a movie and the grocery store and watched it at my house. We rented Alfie and it was a great movie but......I don't know, I felt weird.

 

I found that I wasn't thinking about K while we were watching it. That I was thinking about how great D made me feel the night before. How much fun I have with all the other guys I've been seeing. How I can have a conversation with them and be involved in it instead of it all being about "him him him" like it is with my ex. Too Weird? Anyway, around 3am, after listening to him talk for about an hour, I told him I had to be at work today (which I do and am, we're moving and so I have to help test the systems) and that it was time for me to hit the hay. He kept talking about other stuff and taking his time to get ready. He seemed surprised actually. I took him back to his car (he has to park off site because parking in my complex is horrible) and dropped him off, said good night, did not offer a hug, he got out and I left....no looking back. I wonder....am I getting over him?

 

I'm going out with someone else today, he and I have a lot of fun together too even though I'm not as attracted to him as I am D, but I am not in D's league right now so......

 

Anyway, how is everyone else?

[keefy1972]

It is Sunday afternoon and it is absolutely beautiful outside. It is about 80 degrees here and sunny. There are a few white billowy clouds in the sky that make it look like a painting. As nice as it is outside, I cant help but feel the storms that are brewing on the insides of me. I have gone through quite a bit in the last 4 or 5 days and am kind of confused. It all started with her doing what I thought to be something very disrespectful. I thought she intentionally ignored me. She called and we talked. She swore she didnt do it on purpose and would never do such a thing. Ok, fair enough, we agreed that it was a serious misunderstanding. I was told by her, later in the day that, "A decision about me and XXX is in the near future". Making the assumption that it will not be a decision that I am happy with said, "All I can do is wish you and XXX the best". She replied with, "IF it works out that way". Well, we ended our conversation and that has been the last I have heard from her. That was on Thursday.

 

After we talked I felt an immediate sense of relief that she FINALLY put some sort of a time frame on this situation. I am glad that it will be coming to an end one way or the other. I am greatly relieved knowing it will not just drag out forever. It is more important now than ever that I be able to practice no contact without fail, I need to do this for a few reasons. She tells me a decision is near and I need to give her all of the room and freedom I can stand to allow her to make this decision. I also need to do it just in case she does do what I fear most. If they decide to stay together, I will have a headstart in not talking to her anymore making it a quicker healing process. I dont know, I guess I need someone to tell me that there is nothing I can do and that, outside of work, no contact (but being very friendly and stuff at work) is the only thing I can do to increase my chances. I guess I am just really nervous about it.

[codaaurora]

Keefy, there is nothing that you can do, except maybe to make it definite that she does stay with him (by pushing her there).

 

You know, sometimes in life you really do just have to let go and give things to God. Let Him work on it, let Him take the stress and frustration from you. You need to just give this one to God Keefy, that's the only thing that you can do right now. She needs to make this decision on her own. Without outside or undue influence. AND you need to be comfortable in the fact that she made the decision on her own without your interference (IE: Is she just with him cause I pushed her too it? Is she not with him because she really wants to be with me or she's under false pretenses?).

 

I promise you Keefy, no matter how hard this is right now, you will be okay. It does and will get better. No matter what the outcome.

 

~Coda

[keefy1972]

Yes I know it gets better. I also know I cant do anything. That has been the toughest thing of all to accept. Admiting and living with that is not easy but I am doing a good job. Today is the fourth without contact and I am going to try and avoid "running" into her tomorrow morning. Tuesday seems to be the day that she goes into work early and I am really thinking that the less she sees and hears from me, the better off I am going to be. I do know that no matter what happens, I am going to be just fine and dandy thank you very much! She does not define me and does not reflect me as a person. I understand that. As well as we get along, she is not food nor water and I will survive without her.

 

Other than this crap lingering over my head, I am doing GREAT!! Whats up with you Coda...how was your "date" yesterday?????

[fantasia2004]

all that has been done to you can you truly forgive her your ex- that is and move on if she truly shows that she has changed?

[vhshowdown]

Hello guys. How is everyone today?? I am doing pretty darn good, I just bought a house yesterday!!! And now my EX just called today, and asked why I hadnt called and left a message, etc... asked if I had bought a house yet, and I was like ya, I sure did!! Then she asked all about it and stuff, then asks if she can come see it, and I said "YA, SOMEDAY!!!" Oh man did the you know what hit the fan after that!!

 

So, my question is this, did I do right?? I really dont know if I want her coming over to my new home.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Hey V, Its been awhile!!!

 

I'm doing.... want to talk to the ex and see her, but have been doing pretty well at keeping these urges under control. Haven't called her in about a month except to return her calls a couple weeks ago. Miss her like crazy tho, and my heart still jumps when I think of her.

 

Anyways....I think you made the PERFECT decision. I just went through the exact same situation, its kinda funny. I just bought an apartment w/ my brother. The ex calls and asks about it. Asks if she can see it and what not. I avoid the question pretty much, along with a bunch of other questions I didn't feel like answering. Then it hit the fan like you are saying.

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

I don't want her to see my new place, and I don't want her in it. Frankly I don't want to talk to her while I am at my new place either. I've been there 3 weeks and it feels great. There are no memories of her there, and thats the way I want to keep it unless things change. Its much easier for me know, kinda like starting over. My advice is to NOT let her see it. Always make an excuse if you have too. Its soo much easier you don't even know. Yous have probably seen an attitude change in the last couple of weeks from me, and I truly believe it has to do with my moving. Again, its like starting over.

 

Hope this helps.

[vhshowdown]

Blue, thanks man. I am so glad to see and hear you are doing better. Good you for you man! Keep it up!! I agree, this house is going to be for a fresh new start, a new outlook on life, so to speak. She tells me she wants to just come over as a friend, help me pack, cause she is still with her boyfriend, BUT THEY ARE HAVING PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!! etc... Well, I am sorry, I am NOT friends with any of my EXes....

 

So, I have been really doing good lately. Now we get into a fight and all I can think now is I want a strong drink and a cigarette!! This sucks, but I am now pretty much realizing I am moving on, and I think she knows it too..... So eventually she said something like F#%# you.... and then I go "excuse me, F#$% me, well you know what, you have a good life", and I hung up on her!!

[codaaurora]

Hey Guys!!! Well, I am now officially 34! Yippee! I had such a great day yesterday!

 

AND get this! The ex is calling me ALL THE FREAKING TIME now. LOL But you know what? I don't care anymore. He asked me out for Friday night to see Star Wars and to celebrate my birthday and I said ok, but I'm really wishing this other guy would call me!!! haha!

 

Anyway, things are going really REALLY well here!

 

I'm glad to see everyone else seems to be doing well too!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Coda,

 

Happy belated Birthday !!!!! Coincidentally it was my oldest brothers birthday yesterday too!!!

 

Glad to hear you are doing so well.

[vhshowdown]

YA HAPPY BIRTHDAY CODA!!!!

 

Really, we all seem to be doing real well now. (knock on wood) We need to keep it up, and know our futures are bright for us all!!

[keefy1972]

I am happy to see that everyone is doing so well. I am doing pretty good myself, have had a lot occur in the last few days that I am not ready to share with this forum, but am rock solid in the conclusion I have finally come to. This woman that I've been chasing for so long, I have finally figured out, is not worth one-one hundredth of the effort I have put forth in to her. I have fallen prey to the curse that befalls all of us "dumpees" at one point or another. I have been living with the "pain" of being without her, all the while knowing, she isn't nearly as wonderful as I have convinced myself of. She is very selfish, self-centered, immature, disrespectful to me, AND an antagonist. She reels me in only to chew me up and spit me out. Then she acts all innocent, like she doesnt know she does it, and I have been falling for that crap hook, line, and sinker .

 

Okay, maybe she is confused, or wants to keep me in the background in case things dont work out with that other dude, but I'm not going to allow that to happen. I have issues of my own that I need to work on and dont have the time, nor the inclination, to continue to worry about her and the drama that straggles behind her. I FINALLY understand and genuinely believe that she actually does love that other dude and I am only an ego boost for her. THAT is what she fears losing. Not me, but the fact that someone that looks as good as I do, is as smart as I am, and has as great of a personality as I do is actually into someone like her. She has very low self-esteem and I am a source of confidence for her. THAT is what she fears losing. TOO BAD!!!

[vhshowdown]

I agree with u 100% keefy. H. is the same, the same, type of person, and I about told her on the phone the other day, that I dont even like what kinda person she is anymore. That I dont want to talk about the past, cause I have a bright future to look to. This morning driving into work, I thought about it some more, I dont want her at my new house. She is NOT my gf, so she has no right to HAVE to see it, like she thinks!! And I did tell her again I am not friends with my EXes, and that is the way it is!!

[keefy1972]

Remember this is a "long process" and we "have to be patient"? HAHAHA

 

It is so funny to me now. WHY? What there is to gain is not so great that we endure humiliation and aggrevation. We have been selling ourselves short for so long that it has almost become commonplace. What a crock!!!

 

Yes, I care a great deal for this woman, yes I would love to be with her, and yes I want her to be happy. Above all of this, I want ME to be happy and the effort involved in this "getting them back" scheme is not making me happy. You see, if I actually continued on this course and somehow managed to get back with her, I would end up despising her because she will eventually prove to be a lot less worth the effort than what I had fantasized about. I would remember the humiliation and pain I went through to get to that point and am sure it would make me even more angry.

 

There is a very thin line between love and hate and I cross that line frequently these days. I go back and forth and it is somewhat confusing.

She and dude may "come to a decision in the very near future" but it may be too late for her to have the privelege of having me there for her.