VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[iamonlyhuman]

sorry havent read all your posts Keefy but i think working in the same environment might be a reason why its not progressing, she is seeing you and because of that maybe she not missing you as much, if i was in your shoes i would completely ignore her or get a new job... thats just my thoughts on the situation...

 

i think shes comfy knowing that ur still hangin around and she could always entice you when she feels and wants to keep stringing u along...

 

soundz to me like she needs to be SERIOUSLY IGNORED, i know its abit hard coz u work together, but just see what happens and if she approaches you and asks why then just say summin like its personal and none of her business.

 

i duno , anyway i hope i am not out of context here...

[keefy1972]

No, you aren't out of context, you are only human . I appreciate the input though. I may need to ignore her and believe me, it has definitely crossed my mind a million times but every time I see her I seem to melt like butter. What we need to do and what we do are all too often not the same thing and you could quite possibly be right.

[codaaurora]

Hey Keefy hon,

 

I feel your pain, as I'm sure you know. It hasn't been to busy here today and those are the worst times for me. I can't get away from my own thoughts. I can't just turn on the TV, everytime I get into a Book a call comes through and throughs me off, I can only take staring at a computer so much so coming on here all the time can wear thin sometimes, so I'm left to my thoughts.

 

And what do my thoughts turn to? Him. What he's doing. Is he back with his "new" ex? Is he thinking about me? Is he missing me? If he is missing me, is it because he's lonely now and not really missing "ME"? Oh the thoughts that we torture ourselves with. I know that you're doing the same thing Keefy. I KNOW you are. What you need to do is decide not to. I know that in your heart you are not quite ready to let go of this amazing girl. I know that you have made so many great and wonderful improvements. Give yourself some credit man. Take it easy. Live your life. Go out. Heck, go out on dates. Nobody says that you can't love and want to be with L and not still go out on dates right? I mean, if this were true, that I would be in total despair (from my own perspective LOL).

 

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you and I are very similar in that we want a resolution now. We are both impatient, impulsive individuals and you and I both need to learn some self control. We will NOT always have a resolution to everything in life. We need to deal with that. We need to curb our impulses to act on emotions. (You've already seen what that possibly could have done because of Saturday yes?).

 

Just take it easy. Take a break from worrying about her. You and I both will take a break from rationalizing everything they do ok?

 

Anyways, shouldn't you be studying man? hehe

[keefy1972]

I know you are right Coda, but you also know, my moods are much like the weather. Changing day to day. I just happened to realize that my more dismal days are when I see her. Not in her presense but in her aftermath. I just miss her and I grow weary of hurting from it. Maybe I will take a nice little break from her, thoughts of her, and anything related to her. Even this website. As helpful as it's been, and continues to be, I feel like I may need to get away from it all for a little bit. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is another day and I will evaluate how I feel then.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy,

 

I have to agree with IAMONLYHUMAN on this one. I never thought about it before, but working with her isn't working in your favour. You can't do NC with seeing her like that. It must be impossible for you. Seeing her all the time is just putting it in your face, and isn't giving you a chance to deal w/ things. I think this is what is getting your impulses going. I don't know what the best solution is, as I am sure quiting your job isn't an option. Thats a toughy!

 

As for me, kinda a long story here.

 

Ex texted me to come online and talk to her. Normally I wouldn't have, but I was feeling fine about do so, so I did. Usually I get nervous and such, but I didn't. Anyways, went online and she was all nice to me and stuff. She tells me she isn't happy with life, and says she has been doing alot of soul searching lately. This really intrigued me. As well as it must be intriguing yous! She says she not happy about school and stuff. Then she asked if I was happy, I said I was after a little deliberating (told her none has asked me that before). Said about the great things I have going on in my life. I think this started to make her mad. She asked if she was ever going to get to see my place, and I just laughed. She is really smart and told me I have been avoiding answering her questions. I just said I'm sure you will get to see it. She then asked me if I was seeing someone!!!! This because I haven't been there for her every beck and call. I told her that shouldn't matter. That doesn't change who I am. She was getting mad. She kept asking. I kept asking her why it mattered. Told her that I didn't think it matter either way. I stood my ground and told her I had to go. She called me a jerk and said, fine, run away and be a jerk, and not answer my question. I said I really had to go, my brother was waiting for me for 20 mins or so. She told me to call her if

I

wanted to talk. I said, you can call me if you want to talk. I'm not calling you for a fight. She made a comment about me ignoring her lately. I just said I have a life and went offline.

 

We'll see if she calls, I'm not going to call her and walk willingly right into an ambush. Now if she calls me and starts into it, I'm going to tell her exactly what I think calmly and clearly, not get angry, then just tell her I have to go, to call me sometime when she isn't so upset, I'm not taking her mental abuse anymore. Or somethign along those lines.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Well heres another story,

 

She called, kinda wasn't expecting her to. She called just after I posted the last message. She told me has been upset lately, and I inquired as to why she was. She got mad because I forced it out of her. She didnt want to tell me, but I got mad because she wouldn't let things go with me. So I played the same buttons back. Anyways, she said she has been upset about her choices in her love life!! OMG, I was speechless. I don't really know what to think. I know I'm not going todo anything differently then what I have been doing, and I am not going to let this affect me. She wouldn't get into any details. Before hand she kept throughing things out for me to bite on, if you know what I mean. But I didn't bite. This kinda makes me feel like I shouldn't have talked to her today, and let her think some more. I may have set things back in her that she has been thinking about by talking to her. We talked for about and hour. Everytime she would say something about something that makes her unhappy, I would show that what I am doing, and what I have is much better (not in a rude way or anything). Ex. She is a neat freak and germ-a-phob. She complains about her brothers being pigs and she can't even use the washroom there because its absolutly disgusting (this after only 10 days!). So I say about how I have my own bathroom, and if you just do the small things while you are in there, it doesn't have to be such a big clean come time to clean it. Basically if you don't make such a huge mess, then its not hard to clean up later! Basically how I keep mine spotless (basically because she made me a clean person, but I don't say that). I rent a 3 year old condo with my brother and his g/f, and it is a really nice place. She knows that too, but hasn't seen it. This is an awesome first place!

 

One thing I regret is that the conversation went too long. I should have kept it alot short, but I am like you keefy, she I see her, or talk to her, I tend to melt like butter. She has such a sweet voice!

 

Anyways, I'm going to try to not let this affect me in anyway. If it does, make sure you point this out to me as a big mistake.

 

I know have my cat named Nitro with me, he's back from my moms where he was staying for the last 8 months while I was in between places living on my brothers couch. He is awesome and now I have something to direct my love at. He loves me so much, unconditionally, like Coda said animals do. That feels really good.

 

Anyways, I'm just ranting on here, time for bed I think, I hope everyone is doing ok.

 

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[iamonlyhuman]

wow OUTOFTHEBLUE, your dealing with this good!! i have to give you props, my ex boyfriend has been initiating contact but not as much as your ex....dam, your in such a good position aswell and you Not Contacting her at all is really helping you to heal rapidly compared to your earlier posts, you were really broken down. Now when she calls you dont breakdown and become all emotional, you stand your ground, its killing her right now that she thinks your life is rosier without her, hey but its all out of love right? hehe....keep it going!!

[codaaurora]

BLUE

 

Way to go, very good job. Just in the future be careful on the length of your phone calls, but hey, we all love talking with our hearts desire and it's hard to just "get off" the phone when they are willing to talk to us. Just remember....you are in control, NOT her.

 

My ex has been calling me everyday again. He called yesterday and I purposely didn't answer (around 7pm) and then I called him back and left a message around 10:30pm. Let him think what he will.

 

Anyway, I'm doing better today. Not quite so melancholy. Hope everyone else is doing well also.

 

~Coda

[keefy1972]

Well staying with my mood from yesterday I am a bit upset. She came over again and never even spoke to me. She was chatting it up with everyone else there BUT me. I don't understand it and it upset me a great deal. I saw her speaking with one person in particular for about 10 minutes. She couldn't just come up to me and say hello?? I couldnt approach her as I was in a position at the time that prevented me from being able to do so and she knew that. She, on the other hand, could have come over to me, but she didnt, she chose to socialize with everyone else. I cant understand that!! On her way out, I got the little head nod thing and that seemed to piss me off even more.

 

Whatever!! I sent her a text after I got off that said, "Thank you for coming over to say hello to me. . " That was it. I have yet to get a response from her. As mad as I was about being ignored or "snubbed", I think I did good in keeping it cool.

 

Grrrrrrrrr. This crap is really getting old!!!

[codaaurora]

My impression of Keefy.

 

Look man, do this, grow out a Mullet, move to Cali and you and I will pick up all kinds of people that won't hurt us ok? Heck, with a Mullet, I might even claim ya for my own! LOL

 

Keefy, just stay cool man, she gave you a head nod, that tells me that there is something going on that is making her extremely uncomfortable and she probably doesn't trust herself enough to be around you right now.

 

Hmmmm, perhaps she and T broke it off? Maybe she heard someone else talking about how fine you are and it ticked her off? Maybe she's making assumptions of her own about YOU and who YOU are seeing now? Who knows, all I know is that YOU don't know either.

 

So go work out, take your aggressions out in that. And remember, you and I need to learn Patience ok?

 

Have a much better day and let me know if you need to talk k hon?

[keefy1972]

Im cool...am calming down some now. Still havent heard back from her, but I guess I am realizing that maybe it is silly to be upset. She isnt obligated to speak to me at all if that is her wish and I am in no position to say otherwise. I will just try to be a person that only gives what he gets. She wants to give me the silent treatment? Ok. I will not pursue her for answers. If she wants it to be that way, it WILL be that way. I would be lying if I said I was fine with that but I could be fine with that eventually. Friendship with her only seems to bring me grief, misery, and false hopes anyway so maybe it is better this way.

 

She would be the one who loses out if this is how she wants it. What do I lose out on?? Not much from the way things are now.

[codaaurora]

It's true that she will be the one who looses out on speaking with you. You are a terrific, compassionate individual who truly cares for others. Dont' forget that.

 

Also, don't allow yourself to lower to her standards, don't become that person that does things out of anger or to be vindictive. If you don't feel like talking to her then don't.

 

Also, you have to remember Keefy, always keep it in your mind, that she is no longer your GF. You don't have any rights anymore. You must NOT get upset if she doesn't respond to you, speak with you, email you, or acknowledge your messages. The more you come to terms with that, the more she will NOTICE it and start spending more time trying to get YOUR attention back.

 

Just relax, stay cool, don't think about it overly much (you know that's when we get ourselves into trouble hon) and BREATHE. It's ok. You watch, this could even have been another test to see how you would react to a full blown snub. Ya never know.

 

Anyway, so I guess that's a no on the Mullet?

 

 

[keefy1972]

She just replied to my text with, "Didn't see you until it was too late". I just replied with, "OK..." and that was that. I know for a fact she is lying. Obviously I cant "prove" what she saw, but I know there is no way she could have NOT seen me. I am just going to take the stance that she didnt speak to me because she didnt want to. That's fine I guess. Next time she tries to speak to me, I will ignore her, and we will cut contact. Not just because she didnt speak to me, but also because she lied to me about it.

[keefy1972]

I just want so badly to tell her she is full of sh**. That wouldnt get me anywhere, I will just try to put that feeling into my heart and carry it around with me. I am so close to just blocking her from all of my contact lists and just begin ignoring her and looking down on her and treating her with disdain. I am just angry right now! All of that is probably not going to happen, but it is how I feel today. This is the very FIRST time I have felt in my heart that she IS lying to me. I have been, in the past, optimistic, and believed that she would never lie to me. I am an IDIOT!

 

Coda, that is DEFINITELY no on the mullet!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy,

 

First off, I don't think you should have responded to her text as it wasn't necessary at all. She takes her time responding to yours, so she is better off left wondering if you even got the text. To me, repling (especially rigtht away) gives up more than you think. It shows her that you probably aren't doing anything at the moment, and more likely, haven't done anything from the time you sent yours, until you got hers. Repling to it right away is showing her that you are sitting there basically waiting for her. Which isn't what you want.

 

I have some thoughts for you to try, since you cannot escape her presense at work. I don't know your work situation, but this should help. Its been helping me in a round-about-way. Here goes:

 

This all boils down to displaying to her how happy you are, your independance, and confidence. Make sure that when she sees you at work, she sees how happy you are, and not only that, but how happy you are making others. When she looks to you, you should be telling stories w/ your work friends and making them laugh, laughing yourself. This will entice her to come see what is so great or inquire with the other person. Pretend like her presense doesn't bother you, smile at her and be on your way. Make her think and wonder about everything about you. Intrigue her mind. I imagine alot of the problems are because she is not over you either. If you start portraying that you are getting on with your life, I think this will upset her as she hasn't moved on yet. Once in a while, wonder over to just say hey, but absolutly don't say anything about "US". Keep it casual and show her it doesn't bother you. Keep it short, and you leave. Keep it as upbeat as possible make her laugh than walk away. Confidence is power. Do NOT show her anything she does bothers you, in the least! I can't stress that enough. If she does something that bothers you, cool down for a couple days.

 

Again, I'm just ranting here, but these things help me, and just thinking about them boosts my confidence. And absolutly do NOT contact her when you are sad or angry, anything like that. You cannot display your confidence/happiness when you are like that, I know, I've ruined many conversation like that. So if I am sad, I will not talk to her until I am confident enough todo so. This is all about you man!!!! Not her!!!

 

Oh, and one last thing, telling stories to co-workers about what you have been up to (fun intriguing things) is also a plus!!!

 

There are many more ways to show her confidence/happiness without telling her, and these will mean more (accomplish more) than trying to tell her.

 

Grow that mullet and send me a pic!

[codaaurora]

Blue is right here Keefy.

 

Whether or not she is lying is besides the point. She probably is and so what?? It's a white lie and it was done to get a rise out of you and it's working. She might also have done it (ignoring you and then saying she didn't see you) to show YOU that she can be cool too. You know, there have been plenty of times, where I've seen someone that I like at work and I will purposely ignore him/pretend I didn't see him, just to see what his reaction was. To see if HE would pay attention to ME.

 

Either way though, this needs to be a "get thee behind me" type of thing sweetie. You need to just take a moment and cool down. Don't text her, don't email her, don't call her, don't talk to her at work. If she comes over to you at work, follow Blue's advice. Smile at her. Keep the conversation short, don't initiat anything and keep SMILING. Outside of work, don't respond to any emails or VM's or texts from her at all for ONE WEEK at the very least yeah? Keefy, just remember what we talked about this weekend. What she said to YOU on Sunday. Does that jibe? Did it ever happen to cross your mind that she is testing for the OLD Keefy?

 

Just stay cool, come on here to vent, message me to vent, whatever you need to do to get it out of your system until you calm the F down. Then you will be able to see things more clearly, cause right now hon, you are like a bull with a red flag.

 

ARe you SURE you won't reconsider the Mullet? I mean it's almost a national instituition ya know?

[keefy1972]

Ok, I give...I will go for the mullet, but only after I NAME it. "The Sweathog Mullet".

 

I am being cool and am not going to correspond with her for the next 7 days, minimum. I need that time to cool off. If I do see her again at work in that time, I will smile, say hey and then find something to get busy with as an excuse to leave the conversation. Right now I would snap if I saw her and I could be that way for the next few days. It IS in my best interest to make that possibility as minimal as I can. I was going to work tomorrow for some overtime (I have Thurs.-Fri off) but now I am not going to. I want to MAKE SURE I dont see her at all and with her being off on SAT-SUN, this ensures I wont see her for at least 5 days. At this point, that is a very, very good thing!

 

I know it shouldnt be such a big deal but it is. If she is "testing" me as you suggest, why in the hell would she do that? Does she WANT me to get upset and blow up? Why? To provide her with justification for not being with me?? I really want to believe that she never saw me "until it was too late". That in itself is an incredibly stupid thing to say because she could have simply walked over to me and said hi. What is that about? "Until it was too late" My reply should have been, "Too late for what"? She probably wouldn't have known HOW to respond to that.

 

Thanks a bunch for the advice Blue. I have, for the most part, been doing exactly as you suggested. Today though it seems as if I may be searching for reasons to break ties completely with her. I mean, what happened is not really that big of a deal, is it?? It just goes along with my mood from yesterday. Just getting really tired of this crap.

[codaaurora]

Hey Keefy!!! You know what helps? If you post with a bunch of these things...

 

 

 

YEAH!!! AND thennnnn.....

 

 

0X 0X 0X 0X

 

Oh Double YEAH!!! AND theeeennnn.....

 

Go buy some stuff to make your hair hurry up and grow! Yeah Baby! Mullett time! I knew I could where you down!

 

You're gonna be McGuyverized! Woot Woot!

[keefy1972]

Ok, obviously it bothered me entirely too much and that leaves me with this conclusion: I STILL CARE TOO MUCH!!

 

How does this change? Im sure the answer is no contact for an extended period of time. I am going to not reply to any of her emails, or text messages, and ignore any phone calls she might make to me. I am not going to initiate any of that myself either. At work, I will do as outoftheblue suggests and pretend to be perfectly happy around her and when she tries to initiate conversation with me, I will smile, put on a show, and find an excuse to leave the conversation as soon as possible. This has nothing to do with wanting her back. I want her back but more than that, I really want to stop caring soooo much. That's the plan and I think the anger I have from yesterday's events can carry me through for a great deal of that.

[keefy1972]

Im going to email her and put this to an end!! This is the draft of what I have to say. Any suggestions or advice??

 

" Yes I felt very slighted that you didnt speak to me and I realize I have no right to feel anything. You aren't obligated to speak to me one way or the other.

 

You didn't need to lie and say you didnt see me. You go to lane 3, I am working on the mag at lane 2, talking loudly to the passengers, and you didnt see me? Ok, maybe that's possible (even though you claim to always look for me when you come to C), then I know for a fact you saw me when you were talking to XXXXX at the low exit. You couldn't just excuse yourself from him for 2 minutes to come over and say hi? Ok, that's fine and is your right. XXXXX XXXX asked me at the end of the day if I got a chance to speak to you. Seems you took the time to talk to everyone BUT me.

 

If you feel or felt uncomfortable talking to me, all you had to do, honestly, is tell me. I am not so weak that I can't handle that. I would respect that and leave you alone. You never needed to resort to lying to me about things. Im a big boy and can handle not ever speaking to you again a lot better than I can handle someone who is conditional. Maybe it was me telling you that I had told someone that I had a huge crush on you that made you uncomfortable. Maybe it is your guilt from our past. I dont know and dont care. There is no excuse for ignoring someone you are suppose to be friends with. You ignored me intentionally and I am not going to lower my standards and allow that to be acceptable. I will not apologize for refusing to do so. I've given you many chances to remain on friendly terms, because honestly I am still sure you and XXX will not work out and wanted to be there for you, but it is more apparent now than ever that we cant be on friendly terms while you work out that mess. I can hold my head high by knowing that I tried my best but you wouldnt allow me to be there.

 

Evidently, it was a mistake for me to care about you so much. It's a shame that it is so much in human nature to want what we cant have or want what is in doubt much more than what is being offered without condition. I have chose, for so long, to see and appreciate all of the great qualities that you have, so much so that I have ignored the possibilities that you can display the same faults as anyone else. I guess that's enough of my talk. All I have done for over a year is talk. No wonder you feel you can just disregard me so easily. "

 

Any criticisms, advice, or encouragement out there??

[vhshowdown]

NO NO NO Keefy!! Remember last month I raised the question what to do if you know someone is lying to you, and you know for a fact they are lying, what to do?!?! You dont confront them with it. It is a no win situation!! It is irrelevant!! Dont send it man. It is nothing. For your own sake, (I am one to talk) let it go!!!

[vhshowdown]

Hey WOW, I just noticed, I am a SENIOR MEMBER now!!

 

 

[keefy1972]

I know V and appreciate your advice. I just think I am at a point now where I think it is time for me to forget her as best I can, heal, and move on. I need to get over her and cant do it the way I have been doing it.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy,

 

Don't send it!! People lie for many reasons. In our cases I believe they lie because they still care about us. She is telling you she didn't see you because you probably don't want to know the actual reason why she didn't want to talk to you. It doesn't matter one was or another what her reason was. Chances are good that she feels threatened by talking to you, because she feels you might bring something up. Even just a reference to something probably bothers her. I dont' know when you always talk with her, but some of the posts I have seen you write about on here, show that something always comes up. Believe me, she is testing you all the time. Sending this message, telling her when stuff bothers you, is just you failing her tests. I'm sure you have told her you have changed many times. This is her way of testing you to show that you haven't changed. This things are just re-inforcing her decision.

 

This email seems like a desprite attempt to make her feel guilty. It won't get you anywhere.

 

This is something that I have realized over the past week or so. In order for you to get anywhere with her, friend, or more, you HAVE to forgive her. You CANNOT hold a grudge against her for what she has done to you. I am on the fence on this. I don't know if I forgive her. I realise that if I cannot forgive her, I must move on. The only thing I can do without forgiveness is move on. The ball is in her court. But by me trying to get her back, I MUST forgive her. The same goes for you. You not forgiving her is probably why these things pop up in conversation, along with the uncertany (where yous stand, she won't give you an answer like my ex).

 

Whatever you do, do not send this message!!! Think about it for a couple days. Ask yourself why you want to send this message, and what it will accomplish in the end.

 

I hope this helps.

[codaaurora]

Ok Keefy,

 

I understand that your tired of the not knowing, the mixed signals, the frustration of the whole darn situation. I truly understand and feel your pain.

 

BUT, you can't sen that letter. I'm sorry. You have no right to. You just don't. She's done it ONCE Keefy. If she does it again, then you can tell her "You know, as your friend, it hurts when you ignore me." and leave it at that. But she only did it once and you don't know why she did it. But you're writing an email like she has commited some horrible crime and done this numerous times and has been lying to you all along. You are wrong in doing this and you know it. Don't do it Keefy. I'm serious.

 

If you have chosen to move on with your life. To meet someone else to fulfill you, then do it. Don't tell her off first. There is no reason to. It won't make you feel any better, it won't get the answers that you want and it will only cause strife that you will regret sooner or later. I know you. You don't want that. If this is what you truly want, if you need to move on to heal. Then just do it.

 

But whatever you do, if you listen to nothing else that I've ever told you, past, present or future, do not send that email. You will regret it and I WILL tell you I told you so when and if the time comes. Please don't put me in that position.

 

All my thoughts and love go out to you right now hon, you know that.