VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[vhshowdown]

No I agree 100% keefy, she should be able to cancel with no reprecussions. If all that has gone on this week didnt happen, I would have been disappointed, heck ya, but I would not have let her known. I would have been supportive, etc...

 

But it all did happen, so I find myself reacting in an overly emotional way to anything that seems to come between me and my long range plans or me and the future. Instead of retreating or ignoring the feelings it's better to explore them, interpret them and look into where they have been hiding all along. Self-awareness around the things that really matters may help me gain profound information and knowledge. Being stubborn is not always a virtue!! LOL

 

My intuition is my best and most trustworthy guide, so Im not gonna hesitate to rely on it and to have confidence in it. I just have to learn how to handle this knowledge, and use it to my advantage, not get upset by it, and make things worse. I tipped my hand to early, and I shouldnt have. But the fact that she got mad the other day, has got wondering why she is getting so mad so quickly with me?!?!?

 

I dont think i have put on too much pressure with her. I let her know I didnt care for her contacting me at her convenience ONLY! And a few other things, but minor stuff. She did try to change some of them, which I thought was cool... She doesnt want a fresh start, she wants me there cause I make her feel good, physically , mentally, spiritually, and we are friends. She has no problems having sex with an ex cause she has someone else.

[codaaurora]

...and how we all at times put our foot in our mouths. Next, did you tell him all this on the phone?? "I said you've got to be kidding me. YOU broke it off with me. YOU moved out. YOU chose this."

Do not bring this up, NO MATTER HOW UPSET YOU GET!! I know its hard, I still want to do it all the time too. But you cant if you want 1) piece of mind, and 2) you do want him back.....

 

V, yes I did say those things over the phone, I am ashamed to say and alot else. K knows me better than anybody in the world and he knows that I can't stand to have someone say something about me that isn't true, I stand up and defend myself. He DOES know the buttons to push and he does so gleefully. Has been doing it for years.

 

I agree with the pact, but what happens if there is an emergency like what I had the past couple of days? Unfortunately, I could only call someone that already dislikes K and I let them influence me incorrectly. Maybe we can give each other email addresses or sametime (instant messaging). I don't know. I'll tell you what though, I was ready to scream not being able to talk to you guys Wed night and Thurs night when this was going down. Talk about time of need.

 

Keefy, do you really think that he still cares or is it just a typical man thing, like "That used to belong to me, I don't want it anymore, but I don't want you to have it either." You know what I mean? I mean, here he's got this shiny new model, why would he want the beaten up old Ford? I mean the new model runs great while the Ford is Fix Or Repair Daily. You know? Why would he want to trade in a new model for an old model? Would you want to? I mean, I know I would, I get attached to things and love them even with their downfalls or quirks, they have more personality to them, their more comfortable or I have good memories in them. I know that guys can be that way, but can HE? I'm questioning that. He doesn't want to talk about our past at all. He keeps making sure that I understand that he doesn't love me "they way you want me to" and that we aren't together anymore and for me to move on. He says those things, even though I'm not calling him or hanging on, or saying things to make it seem like I am. I just don't understand. I'm tired and honestly, no matter how much I want him back, another part of me is getting tired of this BS. He already knows how I feel about him, I already wrote that letter to him back around Christmas and he has kept it saved in his email ever since then. It's the oldest one in there and he doesn't save many. How do you know that he's not just keeping me around for a comfort fall back? For me to be there when he is lonely or needs help that only I can provide (like Real Estate info or Technical Expertise or Car problems).

 

I just don't know what to believe. I haven't seen him since March 19th so can't read the body language and the don't understand the "words" as he is so contradictory.

[codaaurora]

Oh and I did tell him yesterday before we got off the phone how I felt about him, that I loved him and still had a small hope for a future but that I wasn't waiting and I was moving on and seeing other people, I just wasn't getting serious right now and he asked why and I said because I wasn't ready for that right now, that it wouldn't be fair to me or the other person. I also told him how I really do wish none of this had happened and that I never wanted to hurt him and he said that he didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to hear "could have beens and if onlys" so I dropped it.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

I tipped my hand to early, and I shouldnt have. But the fact that she got mad the other day, has got wondering why she is getting so mad so quickly with me?!?!?

 

Okay, I'm going to address this as I think you need to see it from a girls perspective. She asked you if you were angry. She wanted you to be because that showed you care. She didn't want you to be because if your angry your angry with her and that could cause you to stop having feelings for her. Catch 22. Either way man, your up the creek w/o a paddle on that one. How you should have addressed it was like what I read out of that book I told you guys about. Express to her that your sorry she isn't feeling well and that you understand not wanting to do anything, that your dissappointed in not being able to see her and spend some time with her, but maybe when she feels better you can get together. Then tell her you hope she feels better very soon and END THE CALL. What you did V, was disregard that she was SICK (whether she really was or not) and focus on YOU. She wanted to see if you would focus on HER. That's why your a MF to her or why she called you that (by the way, she shouldn't have that was mean and your not).

 

Look at it like this.....

I'm looking forward to spending some time with you, you don't feel up to it for whatever reason, you tell me at the last minute that your sick (either way your not "feeling well" whether its physically or mentally it's the same thing) and instead of me saying "I'm sorry your sick.....take good care of yourself and we can get together some other time" I say "I knew last night we weren't going to hang out tonight" how would you feel? You would feel like I didn't care that you didn't feel well. That I was being selfish and only thinking about myself. That you EXPECTED this kind of behaviour or response out of me cause I've done it the past before and you were kind of hoping that I wouldn't this time and maybe this was a test you were pulling and I failed and now your MAD at me.

 

Do you see? She's not mad at you because she DOESN'T like you. She's mad at you because she does. If she didn't care for you at all, she wouldn't get mad. I've cared for exes before and as soon as the love changed to a feeling of just friendship, well, I would get disappointed in them but never mad.

[vhshowdown]

I dont know what made me just think of it, but have you seen the movie Major League?? If you have, remember the catcher was in love with an EX who was engaged, and then they have sex, but she moves in with dude, etc... but how he followed her after she gets off work to her bfs house, and he meets the friends and the new guy, he handled that pretty well. He did get her in the end, she did make an effort to go the game, and he sees her. He makes an effort to read Moby Dick.... I know its the movies, but....

 

We ALL need that confidence right now. Keefy, you are getting this confidence my friend. Blue, coda and myself got some work to do... but we will do it. I had it, but I lost it... And its great you are getting on with your life, this is a major step in the Black Snake idea.... the weekends are tough, this is why I have got so much planned this weekend, and VEGAS BABY in 2 weekends!!!

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[vhshowdown]

I like the input keefy, trust me, I really do. You got me thinking, you really have, and I greatly appreciate it. I understand the concept of getting an EX back, but getting back with them is what I truly need help with!! You are where I have been before, so I can tell you my experience from then and help you. I can tell you about where I am now, which you can help me thru it, cause you will eventually be here, and hopefully we learn from it, and you learn from my mistakes as well.... So I need to see all 5 sides of the coins, instead of black and white, which I am sometimes guilty of....

[codaaurora]

Oh yeah Keefy, your a real hard nose!

 

Hon, I don't think you've said one thing that we either didn't need to hear or shouldn't have heard and I know that for me personally, as my friend, I would be more upset if you didn't call me to the mat occasionally.

 

No, you are not to hard on us. I'm actually feeling better. Why is it talking to you guys always makes me feel better? Either way, I am. I didn't make any plans this weekend as my friend is in Canada and she won't be back until Monday. I'm thinking about going to the beach tomorrow morning and taking some pictures though. I've been meaning to do it. Maybe nows the time. I haven't been to the beach w/o him so this should be good for me, cathartic.

 

I'll leave my AIM and Yahoo open all weekend and just make myself invisible to him (LOL). Don't think it will matter though, he and his gf are back on again (his profile is off of yahoo again) so this equates him not being online much, thank goodness.

 

I wish I could go to Vegas in two weeks V, you SUCK! LOL

[keefy1972]

To hell with Vegas man, come back to Tampa and go to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Did you guys see where that guy from "The Apprentice" was arrested there last weekend?? That was funny

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

Take this advice BLUE, it is entirely to your advantage to USE this site A LOT. It's effects are more often very helpful than not.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thanks Keefy,

 

I have been using this site often, and already find the information priceless. I also agree that talking to yous makes me feel a whole lot better about things. I'm glad to have met others in the same situation as I am in. I just wish I would have found this site as soon as she wanted to take a break. I would have done so many things differently, and I seriously think she would be back by now. But that is in hind-sight, and hind-sight is always 20-20, as my mother would always say.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

Not sure of your entire story coda. How did you hurt him? By initiating the breakup originally? If so this all could be a subliminal payback. Kind of like, "I will teach you to ever dump me".

 

Well, he originally "broke up" with me, but it was an agreement that we wouldn't see anyone else or talk about the relationship for 6 weeks, I waited 8 and then tried talking to him and he kept changing the subject for a couple of days. A week later I told him that I wasn't going to keep living in limbo, living a lie, I was taking off the ring and going out with other people if I got asked but that I would much rather be asked by him. I went out with someone two days later. He eventually started asking me out and I would go with him, cancelling plans to go with him but would still go out with others if asked and he didn't ask me. He wasn't. We got back together for a couple of days but then he broke it off with me, he said on Wednesday that he did that cause I wasn't really back with him cause I was still talking to J even if it was just as friends and he knew that's all it was but I don't think he can truly BELIEVE it you know?

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[vhshowdown]

ok, I had a long talk with a friend of mine who actually knows my EX a little bit. I am now leaning towards not pursuing her anymore. I am just not happy where this is leading, has been leading, etc... I know you guys said, give it some time, but I am not in a position to romance her, wine and dine her, call her up, etc... I cant do that. Something Blue wrote today triggered something in me too, I get disappointed looking to talk to her sometimes. I get angry with her inside too. I have to go by her actions, not her words, and I even told her this. It never used to be that way.

 

Also, coda wrote something too, that may be reversed. Maybe she was looking to get me to blow up about something, so she doesnt feel bad about blowing me off..... The key was we talk all week last week, have a great day Saturday, then I dont hear from her, cant get ahold of her, etc for a couple days.... That was the turning point that fissled out.

 

As long as she is in the picture, I dont feel like seeing anyone, cause I dont want to. I went thru this last year, and after the misery lifted, I was really starting to be happy again, and dated again. Well, I am putting my life on hold for someone who doesnt even respect me enough to hang out with me vs. her friends, and I am not saying 24/7 either.

 

She has changed, and I really dont like who she is becoming, she is not the same one I fell in love with long ago. My ultimate goal was to eventually get exclusive, and marriage possibly, if we were happy, etc... She has become manipulative. I dont feel like she is my equal anymore. I am not one to judge people, but I want someone to walk beside me not behind me or in front of me. I think she is using sex as a weapon, as opposed to something intimate. I could ramble on and on, it wont do me any good.... I strongly feel this way now. I will by no means tell her any of this, but I have decided, I am not going to call her anymore.... I took her number out of my cell, and deleted all her voice mails.

 

I need advice on what to say to her when she does call, if and when it happens.... you already know how mad she gets over little stuff, could you imagine what happens if I tell her to leave me alone???? LOL

I want to give her the hint I am not interested in talking with her without actually coming out and saying it....

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

V, I know exactly how you feel. I was thinking pretty much the same stuff you just wrote on my long (2 hour) drive home.

 

I started wondering if I really want the her back because she doesn't seem to be the same person anymore. Do I really want to have someone back that is dissrespectful, disshonest, selfish and controlling. Do I actually want someone back who can say they love me, but do the things they do to me? I've been thinking alot about this lately. For ex. When I went to see her last time (almost a month ago now) we had a nice day except for a few things. We went out for diner (she invited her roomate who has a HUGE crush on her) and the a-hole buys her diner right under my nose. On the trip over, the new guy called, and for the first time ever, I heard her say "I Love you" to another guy. I was crushed, that hurt sooo much. And then not to say anything about it afterwards (ended up saying something days later). Then to top it off, she tells me I need to leave so she can work on her big university assignment that was due in 2 days. So that wasn't a big deal, but then to find out that she blew me off so she could get it done so she had more time to spend with her new b/f the very next day (cuz she wouldn't have time to work on it that night) That royally ticked me off, I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks, and she saw him 2 days prior. (this crap seems to be happening more and more now). This is why I think NC is what the dr. ordered for me.

 

How can I love, and want to be with a person who treats me like this?

 

Well I try to forget all these things, and remember who she really was before she got all messed up in these things.

 

If you really think you don't wanna talk to her anymore, I suggest taking some time to think about it, before you make any rash decissions. Something you say now, you may regret later. If you still think you want to do it, then I advise Coda to give you the advice on how to say something without saying it. No offence Coda, but women have a way of saying things without saying them. I don't mean to be rude or anything. Women have a way with words.

 

Sorry if I'm not much help V, but I advise you to stick it out and think about it, maybee wait for Coda or Keefy to reply

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I need some advice on how to talk to my ex when I do talk to her. I am starting to realise some things that she is doing. It seems as tho she has her way of testing me to make sure I am still interested in her, and I don't know how to get away from this.

 

I don't know how to answer her questions when she questions me.

 

For instance, what do I say when she makes reference to us doing this in the futur. Like she asked me one day if I am going to come visit her in the summer and lye beside the pool with her? I said of course I do. Now that doesn't seem like the right thing to say. But I can't say no I don't. Its a catch 22. How do I answer questions like that properly. She a master at knowing when I try to change the subject, she's persistent. Do I say something like "that would be nice" or "we'll see"? We'll see doesn't sound right either.

 

Another one is questions about why I am ignoring her all of a sudden? I have always been able to make time for her in the past, and she knows that I work at a computer all day, and have a cell, don't do much with my life. Why can't I return her calls, or what if she asks me to start calling her (like she has)? What have I been up too? All these type of difficult questions I am lost to what I should do.

[keefy1972]

Best answer for both of you right now, me thinks, is nothing. Vhs, this is what you say to her when she calls...nothing. Don't take her calls. Ignore them completely. Same for you blue. Says what you want to say without saying a word. If that is what you truly want.

[codaaurora]

I'm going to have to agree with Keefy here guys.

 

If you truly, in your hearts, minds and souls did not want to talk to these girls any longer, you would have no problems with just saying "You know, talking to you is not right for me right now.".

 

But neither of you are prepared to do that yet. I also believe that neither of you are in a place where you are secure enough with yourselves, your emotions or your decisions to even be talking to them, period. NC isn't going to hurt anything here. Whatever your decisions are. If you choose to have them in your life (in whatever fashion) after long NC, just let them know, hey, I had to take a break from talking to you to get a few things straight. If you choose not to have them in your life, well, it's already done and if they call you (by the time you've actually made the decision and lived with it longer than a week) then you can explain, I'm sorry, talking to you is not helping me.

 

Either way, we are humans and have a tendency to make split decisions and then convince ourselves that this is a decision that's been long in the making. It's usually not. Yes, it may have been an idea knocking around your brain for some time, but you can't just pluck it out and say "Ok, I've been thinking about this for some time so it's my decision and I'm gonna act on it now". No. You have to make the decision and then before acting on it, live it out. Live it for a while. Swim in it until your fingers get all pruny. That is making an educated decision. You've come to a conclusion, tested it and found the answer to be the same. Anything else is just jumping the gun and may (and usually does) cause regret for the future.

 

I'm not saying "Wait cause there may still be hope.". Whatever you decide and can live with is what is best for you. All I'm saying here is don't make any rash decisions. Okay?

 

Oh, and by the way guys, how's this for stressed out. I got home yesterday, cleaned my fish tank, fed my Guinea Pigs, read and then laid down for a nap around 6pm (setting my alarm for 8pm) I woke up this morning at 4am. My back is killing me! I can't believe I slept that long!

 

Well, I hope to talk to you guys soon. This is going to be a long hard weekend. I'm not going to the beach this morning as my back really is hurting, but I'm going to go tomorrow morning. Today is going to be the hardest I think. I'm going to be active on AIM and Yahoo so write me sometime ok?

[codaaurora]

BUT if you have really decided that you MUST say something, let me know and I will come up with something suitable for you cause I knew that we (as women) are weird in the way we take things.

 

Blue is right there.

 

 

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Its only been 24 hours NC and I feel like crap. I hate this. I wish I wasn't so shy and could just meet some new women, and find a better one.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

She just called me, I was contimplating not answering the phone, but I did. She asked how come I didn't answer any of her texts yesterday, or answer the phone when she called. I only got 2 texts, and no phone calls. I don't know if I handled it properly by telling her I didn't receive anything from her. I probably should have said I only got 2 texts, but was really busy. what can you do!