VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[keefy1972]

I also know how you feel about it being her birthday. My ex's birthday is in a little over a month and I am dreading that, if things between us dont improve.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

DO NOT point out that she initiates it and ask her why if she has a new guy.

 

Do you mean don't ask her why she is contacting me if she has a new guy?

 

The reason I don't wanna start NC is because because its her bday. And last night she said she wanted to see me Sunday given that she doesn't have to work. Should I just start anyways, and if she really wanted to go out then she would call and say so?

[vhshowdown]

Well, to be honest with you keefy, I kinda knew this earlier in the week. Lets face it, we had a good time Saturday, we talk Sunday, she says she wants to come over, but doesnt, and then I dont hear from her for a few days. That had to signal something. That is why I was so bummed the last couple days. I knew this was happening.

 

Now, granted, I do not know her exact intentions the past few says. But my instincts on the situation seem to be right. She contacts dude Sunday, they work together that nite, so I do not hear from her for a few days. Then he stood her up Tuesday nite, so she calls me the next day. She then gets mad about something as trivial as where we meet. I had a feeling after we got off the phone, we would not be going out. I just had this instinct about it. And sure enough she cancels....

 

Then when we did talk an hour ago, she was like I know yesterday I asked you to hang out tonite and all that, but I dont feel good. I am just gonna go home and lay down tonite. I was not mad or didnt have a tone in my voice, I just said, 'I knew last nite we wouldnt be going out tonite' That is all I said. That was NOT harsh. Instead of asking what do you mean, or whatever, she calls me a MF and hangs up. Kinda makes me think even more, I was right all along. So, she is going home and do nothing tonite?? Well, I kinda find that hard to believe, being she HATES to be by herself.... I am sure she is going to be with dude tonite!

 

I know I should not have called her back, I seriously debated it. I really did. But like I said yesterday, I need to start looking out for number 1 now. She had to know, she is NOT walking over me anymore. If I lose my opportunity forever, I can NOT blame myself 100%. She is part to blame as well.

 

Ya, I agree with the pact. I should have said something yesterday about what if she cancels, or cuts the evening short like I felt was gonna happen, how should I handle it...

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[vhshowdown]

Well, if anything is going to happen from here on out, I will have to contact her. I will not talk with her tonite, of course. I will not hear from her tomorrow, and I will playing cards at a friends house tomorow nite till 2am anyway. Saturday nite I am going out with my best friend (who is a girl), and Sunday I gotta help a friend move most of the day. So no contact will be made in this time, I can tell you right now!!

 

I know I didnt handle things the best way, I deliberately said that to her. I knew I would make her mad, but to hang up on me like that. Somethng was up. Why would she get sooo mad so fast over things I have said the last 2 days. Doesnt make sense to me right now. And I know I should not have let her know I was bummin about it, and this lets her know I was upset. That was wrong. But lets face it, she contacted me cause she was angry yesterday at her bf, not to see me!!

 

But I think it is obvious to me now. I didnt let things work last year, cause I knew this was gonna happen. I should have not let it happen now. Its not so much that things are going slowly, its how she is handling everything right now. I am now thinking I WAS in the picture because she doesnt like how things are going with her bf.

 

(At the end of February, she tells me we had a great time last time we were together. I didnt say anything, and go back to NC. She calls me a couple days later, and gets mad because I couldnt talk to her right then. I call her 5 days later, and she has an attitude, I tell her i will talk to her later, and then she changes her attitude. But I still dont look to see her. Then we talk at beginning of March, and I do her taxes for her. We go out and end up having sex that nite. Dont hear from her for a few days. Then she calls me with a problem, comes over and we almost have sex again. Dont hear from her for a few days. Then she drops the marriage thing on me. We go out the next nite, asks me if I want her to wear my fav color. We go out a few days later, and she cuts me off. I now found out she and the bf go to her mom's for Easter Saturday the next day. Then we have very little contact for the next couple weeks. And then what happened this past weekend, and this week.....)

 

Do you see a pattern here?? Confused, no I dont think so, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. I am there when he isnt, and playing on my sympathy emotions for her. Throwing her problems at me (suffering), throwing her bf in my face (jealousy), wearing my bracelet and dressing up in my fav color (sentiment).... Now most people would wear that stuff, cause they want you back. This is why I am not as happy about our situation as I should be.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thanks keefy, I'll take the advice and not contact her. I really want to tonight. What should I do if she contacts me tonight? Ignore her, or take the call cuz it is her bday?

[vhshowdown]

Well, I have some lyrics of a Smashing Pumpkins CD she left Saturday for me to read. I have nothing else of hers. I am thinking about putting them on her windshield tonite... hhhhmmmm Stupid idea??

 

 

Actually I got half way over there and decided to tear it up and threw it out in the street. (I usually dont litter though)

[keefy1972]

Good move to tear it up vhs. Glad you didnt do it. *phew*

 

Blue, no don't contact her again. You already did to tell her happy birthday. The next move is on her. Let her make it.

[vhshowdown]

Hey guys, sorry about my ranting the last few days. Keefy, thanks for being there last nite, I owe you man!! And coda, how are you today, Im worried about you to girl. I hope today is a better day for you (us all really) Blue, I agree do NOT contact her right now, keefy is right!!

 

My Vent:

I have been stressin over all this way TOO much. It is not healthy at all, as I slept maybe 2 hours last nite. I have decided not to pursue her anymore for awhile, maybe for good, i dont know. (if she apologizes, we shall see, but I am a gambling man, I bet I wont hear from her again until May)

 

First of all, she doesnt want to talk to me right now, cause I will let her have it about calling me a MF and then hanging up. She has no right to call me that, i dont care who she THINKS she is!! But she has gotten too mad too easily with me the last couple months. Especially since we arent even bf and gf!! I'm sure it was the heat of the moment, it will blow over, but it still happened. (there again if she apologizes, fine, if she wants to continue this fight, I am not interested in that) She was with her mom all day yesterday, and she tells me she hates her, so maybe she really was sick!! But what I said was not that bad!!

 

Secondly, I am no longer gonna be taken for granted, used, her pillar, etc... I felt I had to, to get back into her life. Well, Im back in her life, (or I was LOL) we should be going to the next step, whatever that step is, and I dont think we have. I know crawl, then baby steps, and lots & lots of patience. Sure I will remain who I am, and supportive of people, I am not gonna change for one person, I enjoy helping and teaching people. (In general, I do need to work on my patience, possessiveness, and jealousy. Although, I am not jealous type when feelings are in check, but then i get accused of being un-interested or non-caring, I cant win)

 

Thirdly, I MUST remind myself, Love is not a race!! I must get this through my brain in nay relationship I get into!!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I agree that was disrespectful on her part, no matter who you are in her life, if you are, or not.

 

I took the advice and didn't contact her last night, she called me this morning asking me if I blocked her off msn (i made it so no one can text me anymore). The reason she called was so I could help her with a computer problem her parents are having. Think she has a virus. Made me feel good that she asked if I blocked her, cuz that means she was thinking about me. She said she would call me back, its been about an hour. I kinda feel like I shouldn't have answered the phone, seeing how all she wanted was something from me again. Typical.

[vhshowdown]

Glad to hear it Blue. Now she may be just contacting you right now just to "use" you or she needs something, which right now this is fine. Alot of times it is an excuse to get to talk to you. so when you do get this contact, then take advantage of it to SHOW her who you are (not to beg her back or any of that). This is the start of your plan.

 

Dont go by all my rants about my EX using me. She did that to get back into my life Im sure, but we should have started to turn the corner by now. But I am learning that I needed patience!! Which I have given her alot of patience, I still have work I understand this. But I have given her some space, let her do what she wants, etc... but I am not happy with it, this is what I must deal with also, and work on. Sure, I can continue to be part of her life, even now, but is that what will make me happy. I dont know, this is where I am at currently!!

 

My advice for the day:

I am still deciding my path to love. Take my time. Im gonna let my heart experience the emotions, but refuse to let my head endlessly churn away about them. When in doubt, stop thinking and just do something -- anything!!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

She may not have been using me this time, because she thought I was blocking her on MSN. So I think it upset her a little bit, and she called to make sure I wasn't mad at her (she didnt' say it, but I think that now).

 

Its hard not to feel used, because its always something that she wants. Like come fix my car, my computer is broken, I need a ride... (its never just those things, she'll make an excuse she wants to see me, but then I have todo these things also)!

 

She still hasn't called back, I don't konw if I will answer this time if she does. Its always a disappointment when talking to her. Do you think that if she doesn't call until sunday morning to ask me todo something, that I shouldn't answer the phone, or should I tell her I am busy (since she left it so late to make plans)? Even tho she had said she wants too, but has to see if she works sunday? And what about if she leaves me a message at somepoint to call her back? Do I call her?

[vhshowdown]

Well, if it does feel like a disappointment Blue, then that is telling you give NO CONTACT a chance for awhile. Then maybe when you all talk again, she might be a breath of fresh air.

[codaaurora]

Hey guys. Not doing so well today.

 

Blue, don't call her and if you don't feel ready to take a call from her then don't. If she leaves you a message then return her call, if she doesn't then don't.

 

You know guys, unless the girl is just a B, she's really not using you if she calls you to help her with things. A girl knows that asking a guy to "fix" something for her is a boost to his ego, makes him feel good and no matter what you think she should know or not, we all question WHY. Why should the other person care about us? How do I know they aren't lying? What if their just saying these things to get me back and then hurt me? So when she asks you for help, it's usually just an excuse to be with you.

 

I called him yesterday. Talked to him for 3 mins. Told him that I had put x amount of dollars into his account and that with the x amount that he owed me, it equaled what he had asked me for. I had woke him up so he was a little groggy but he agreed and said thank you. I asked if there was anything else, he said no and I said I have to go, bye. He called back about 5 mins later and wanted to "go over" it one more time so we did and then discussed my payments on the Wells card, I told him with what I owed now on my money market account (because I took out a lump sum) I could not afford to pay him the full amount we originally agreed in. Let the fighting ensue. I don't know how it started because when it "ended" we both were saying that we were arguing a point that we both agreed on. It was insane. It was a fest of him saying that I helped him get into this debt and was trying to get out of what he and I agreed that I owed him (which was less than what he said I should be paying if it were equal) and that I should be thanking him for not making me pay more. I said you've got to be kidding me. YOU broke it off with me. YOU moved out. YOU chose this. AND, I just gave you a lump sum that hurt me financially when I've been making payments and that's all the law requires and I should be THANKING you??? So I hung up on him.

 

He called back and left me a message to give my drama and guilt trips to my bfs and that was why he wasn't with me anymore and that this is what I did every time I tried to get us back together and that I hung up on pple w/o giving them a chance to have their say. So I called him back and told him that I didn't want to fight anymore, what were we fighting about, he had his money, I was making payments for the Wells, what is the problem? And he said that I was the problem for thinking that he spent all the money and I didn't and that he had supported me when I was out of work. I told him that when I was out of work, we only lost 400 a month because of the unemployment I got. That in almost 3 years I only bought maybe two pairs of pants and a couple of shirts and underwear and socks. During that time he was in school and always had to have new clothes, new books, new programs......don't tell me that I was spending all the money because I wasn't. He brought up spending 1000 for me to have new clothes recently and I said that was almost a year ago now and he did it cause I needed clothes to do the Real Estate with him, not because I JUST needed the clothes (which I did). AND let the fighting continue. I finally just told him look, I don't want to fight with you anymore, I'm tired of this, I'm done with it, and can we please stop fighting? He said he could if I could. So once again we tried to talk about civil things. He asked if I thought about Hootie (my little boy guinea that I had to put to sleep back in October, that just about killed me) and I said yes and started to get all teary and he was like "I'm gonna let you go cause your getting upset." And I was like no, I'm ok. And sooooo we talked.

 

Now here is the kicker....in 2002 we were on our way to the Aquarium when we were hit in his new Mustang by a Tractor Trailer and almost pushed off the side of one of the bridges in Long Beach (over water, loooong drop). Since then, it's been a "thing" for us to get back there, we would laugh about it and always planned on going. Of course, we never went. Now, back in December he told me about a site called Myspace and how cool it was. I didn't think anything of it. Since then, a friend at work invited me to join and I did. (Here is my site: link removed The guy that I dated when K and I first split up is on there and is listed as one of my friends. I haven't dated him since November, we only went out 5 times total so I never really called it dating anyway. Either way, K hates this person. So yesterday, he said "So I see that you and J went to the Aquarium together" (very nasty tone too) and I was like "What?" and he said he saw the picture I took of J at the Aquarium and I was like "What the heck are you talking about? I've never been there, that was OUR thing." And he said whatever he saw the picture and it finally dawned on me that he was talking about myspace. J put up some new pictures TWO days ago of him at the Aquarium back in May of 2004. I barely talked to him back then, except when I needed him to fix something at work. Thank god he put the dates in there and I pointed this out to K and was like you need to stop accusing me of stuff you know that I'm not doing. He got mad and I said "Look …..friends right?" cuz I was crying I was so upset and hurt and angry and he said yeah and I said ok, I'm gonna go before we fight again and he was like I agree because your getting upset again. I hung up.

 

Here is my question guys. WHY THE HECK SHOULD HE CARE??? Why should he care if I'm dating J.B.? Why should he care if I went to the Aquarium with J.U.? Why does he always ask about my friend Jason (BRAD he calls him). Why does he always have a snide attitude about it. Why is he going on Myspace to look for me and doing it recently if he doesn't care???

[vhshowdown]

Coda, hey girl. Im sorry. Now first off, we are starting a pact to consult us advisors before any conversations. LOL Because of my small "blow up" at my EX yesterday, and how we all at times put our foot in our mouths.

 

Next, did you tell him all this on the phone?? "I said you've got to be kidding me. YOU broke it off with me. YOU moved out. YOU chose this."

Do not bring this up, NO MATTER HOW UPSET YOU GET!! I know its hard, I still want to do it all the time too. But you cant if you want 1) piece of mind, and 2) you do want him back....

 

I think he is throwing your so called bfs in your face, because he knows he is doing this himself, going out with the new gf. He is baiting you to get into it with him again. IGNORE IT!!! I know it gets to us, but dont give him the satisfaction. Even though he is seeing someone else, he still has issues with you, he is still angry or whatever about what happened to you 2. Dont get into any more arguments! He wants this, so you have to be bigger than that!!

 

I made a deal with myself when I started trying to get my EX back. We had a discussion where I got off my chest alot of the problems we had, what I didnt like, etc... And I told her, I will NEVER bring it up again!! I havent, she does still every now and then, when she does, I answer it, change subject. They are baiting us, for whatever reason. DONT FALL FOR IT!!

 

Now, he is trying to get out of you what you are doing. He still cares, you cant be with someone and not still care or have jealousies, etc... This is why I cant stand the fact my EX is going out with someone else. Use your judgment on what yu want him to know. Personally, just say I dont know, and change the subject or whatever.....

[vhshowdown]

Here is something that just hit me after writing to coda about my EX yesterday:

 

She cancels, then asks me if I am mad, I say I kinda knew we werent gonna go out, (I guess you could take it as getting mad) then calls me a MF and hangs up... Now that makes alot of sense... So why did she ask me if I were mad then?? She wanted me to get mad, so she could put me in my place or hang up me??

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Wow Keefy, Excellent post!

 

I don't know if I agree with telling him exactly how you feel, but I am the newbie here taking the advice from you guys.... and girls (didn't want ot leave you out coda).

 

I want yous to know that I'm not so great for giving advice, but I am always here.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

She just texted me from her phone to come on and help her fix her computer. Should I?

[keefy1972]

totally ignore it

[keefy1972]

you have to make her wonder what you are up to and you can't do that by being there every time SHE WANTS you to be.