VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[vhshowdown]

That will work. Never let her see me sweat!! Good advice keefy! And I am sitting here thinking, I know she is trying, she has done something that takes a little time to do, and I know she ONLY does it with me, and she didnt do it a month or two ago, but she is doing it now.... So, I need to give her some more time... The other problem I am realizing about me in general, when we do see each other, it is kinda awkward at first, so I am not exactly myself. I am understanding this now, and I think the reason is because I dont see her as much as I want to. Like until Saturday, last time we saw each other was week and a half earlier. And its because I do love her so much (I havent told her this though).

 

When I used to think that I wanted her to call, or whatever, I would read some of her old emails and notes she would give me. I am not saying it is such a wise move, & I would not do it everyday, but it would keep me in touch with her so to speak. Then I would write some stuff i felt like saying at the time, but never sent it. Now, if your intentions are to move on for the time being, then definitely do not do that. But keep being strong keefy, you are doing good bro, you really are.... The time will be here before you know it....

[vhshowdown]

Here is some advice I have used to get back with my EX, it may help you as well. Some of these came from users of this forum as well.

[crash45]

Great advice VHS, and you are right about the black snake LOL, I did the same thing as a kid.

[vhshowdown]

Thanks crash, it does help and some of it does really work also. Most of that info came right of this site. It really is a great site!!

[keefy1972]

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[keefy1972]

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[vhshowdown]

One question though...following that advice that you put up there, should I reply to the e mail in 3 or 4 days or not at all? If so, I will wait until Friday to reply. That will be 4 days. If you guys think I should hold out and hope she initiates at least one more time then I will hold out. Let me know what you think.

 

Well, if you are gonna reply, which is up to you, wait till Thursday or so to do it. Keep it in the friend mode though, nothing to do with the past or how you want it to be, etc.... Now dont forget about your PM you sent me, that is still very valid here as well. She more than likely wanted you to talk to her then, and when you didnt, she got off. I think it was more than a coincidence. I am proud of you keefy for not talking to her, I know it was hard, but right now I think it was the right move.

 

I did the same thing back in February, where she would call, I would never initiate anything then she would call again wondering what I have been up to, and we need to get together, etc... which we went about 3+ weeks without seeing one another, with very little contact in between. I needed that time to get my ducks in a row... At which time I came accross what I posted earlier. I really liked the Black Snake bit, and it really worked. Now I need info of how to get to the next step, get her away from him, and with me instead....

 

Oh she never did call today, so I am thinking she is with her bf again now... So I am now gonna step back a bit, it is obvious he doesnt make her happy, but yet she keeps getting with this LOSER!! But it tells me I am not making her happy either... And the roommate knows, so this may not be good, and if he finds out Im sure it will come out that you are never to see him again, etc.....

[vhshowdown]

Forget about keeping quiet. I'm feeling that the time has officially come to let the cat out of the bag. I may, however, need to wait just a day or two before I can say everything I've been holding back. It won't be easy, but it will be my best bet. In the meantime, I must get all the facts straight and be sure that I'm ready for any and all reactions to what I'm about to let fly. I am listening to what my intuition is telling me, and I am trying not to jump to conclusions. Over the past three weeks, I've been trying to keep quiet about my feelings. But if there's anything -- anything at all -- that I've been stifling (a scream, perhaps?), I might as well toss in the towel and clear my throat and let it roar. I am letting her waste my precious time spinning wheels that take me nowhere.

 

It's pointless to obsess over goals that are out of reach. A better strategy is to just let go of a plan that has not come to fruition. I've looked back over the past few weeks and made a conscious decision to move beyond whatever it is that holds me back. Granted, I am keeping my eye on this relationship that is in development. If I get impatient, I could blow things out of the water, so I should remain calm. This relationship could develop into something very special.

 

Then, there's my perception of the situation, and then apparently there's everybody else's perception of the situation. In the (likely) event that there's a disparity between the two, for today I will try to refrain from forcefully imposing my reality: Sure I may be absolutely correct, but insisting probably isn't the most efficient tactic to bring her around.

 

I must be prepared for a rapid evolution of this situation. My interactions with close relations may be disturbed by my nervousness; & I will try to stay away from her meanness and pointless jealousies. I do love her, yet still I hesitate to engage myself completely, I should be focused on the true nature of my feelings or those of her; this is the time to form the necessary conclusions.

[keefy1972]

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[vhshowdown]

I know keefy, you are right. But I am getting so so frustrated right now. Here I think we (me) are making progress, when it just really isnt the case. Granted, it is nice not having to answer to her, and Im sure she feels the same with me LOL but I really enjoy being with her.

 

I guess I am getting some insecurity issues now. It is getting to me that she keeps seeing this LOSER!! But I am also flip-flopping. One day I want her, the next she is getting to me, things arent going the way I want, so I need to move on.... On a good day, I am inspired to greater heights and turn dreams into reality but on a bad day I get chaos, confusion, disappointment and deception. With this in mind, I should remain cautiously optimistic about her but distinctly unimpressed by her when she fails to deliver evidence of her promises. That is why I said I will wait a day or two. But I wont give her ultimatums, just state facts and some of my feelings.

 

"A meeting of equals is essential for a relationship to succeed. Direct communication without window dressing is the only way to let your partner know where you stand."

 

But now I am thinking, that even doing this prolly wont get me anywhere either. She wants to do what she wants right now. I am understanding this now that Saturday is wearing off. I said something to her like we need to get you used to it or something, and I got no reply from it. And I havent talked to her since Sunday now, so I am thinking she wont call again today either!! I hear from her when things are not going good for her, or she is trying to make him jealous, etc... This is getting OLD, granted baby steps in deed!!

[codaaurora]

I know keefy, you are right. But I am getting so so frustrated right now. Here I think we (me) are making progress, when it just really isnt the case. Granted, it is nice not having to answer to her, and Im sure she feels the same with me LOL but I really enjoy being with her. That is why I said I will wait a day or two. But I wont give her ultimatums, just state facts and some of my feelings.

 

Hey Hon, let me just say.....DO NOT DO THIS. What you are feeling right now is common and natural, but if you want to have any hope of a future with this girl, you need to NOT say how you are feeling. She already knows, if she didn't she would ask. You should only say something if your feelings change or you feel that you are at the "critical" point but from what I can tell you aren't.

 

Granted YOU are at that critical point but she isn't. You need to continue to "be" there for her, make sure that she knows how much you truly enjoy your time with her and that you really look forward to time together in the future. However, setting her down for the "serious" talk right now would be wrong. You would be putting pressure on her. Let me put it in perspective for you.

 

A)She already knows that she is in a relationship with someone that does not make her happy for whatever reason, but is not yet able to let go of it. That causes TWO pressures. One for being unhappy and another for wondering why she is being so stupid.

 

B)Whatever pressure he is putting on her as he obviously knows now (this is prob why you haven't heard from her, she is TRYING to keep the peace, but this will grow into resentment VERY quickly).

 

C)The room mate knows. Whatever could the room mate be saying? You have no idea if it's for you or for him, but either way it's pressure on her.

 

D)Does family come into play at all for her? What about other close friends?

 

E)Her own thoughts. These are the worst as they are always with her.

 

Now, ask yourself this. Do you want to be number F? Do you want to be another pressure? Another "this is not an Ulitmatum" BUT.....here is what I want.

 

What you need to do is be that one person, that one PLACE that she can turn to with no pressure, no ultimatums, no "me me me" instead of what "you need and want". I know that what she seemed to be doing was playing you and maybe in some small way she was. Maybe she was to cause a majore blow up with him, thereforeeee giving her subconscious a reason to leave him. Maybe not. Maybe she is only confused. Girls are emotion driven V. Do you want to add to those emotions in a negative way?

 

I know you are having all these feelings that you feel you need to just get out to her or BUST. But you shouldn't. Give them to us. Write me and Keefy PM's, heck write us letters, reems and reems of it. Email us. Whatever it takes. Just dont' tell her these things RIGHT NOW okay?

 

Trust me on this one. The more you pressure, the quicker she is going to run, whether you guys were on the path together or not, she will leave it just as quickly.

[keefy1972]

Very good post coda. Good to see you again. What's going on with you?

[vhshowdown]

Hi coda, how are you girl? How have you been, everything ok with you??

Well thanks you and keefy give good advice, but the more I think about it, she got what she wanted from me, she wanted someone to hang with on Saturday, then she got her sex from me.... which is fine, but I want more now. I want more from any relationship I get into now, you know. Time was that is fine, but I dont want that anymore, you know....

 

So, if I am not happy where I am at, I have to make changes right?!?!?

Yes, we are not at the CRITICAL stage yet, but I am getting there. It has been nothing but a roller coaster for me the past month. I was thinking Saturday would put us around the corner, but as I see now, it hasnt. She used it to get back with or get better relations with the LOSER!! She told me Saturday she doesnt have anyone to go to concerts or whatever with her. (we used to do alot of concerts and stuff). So that was all that was, leading me on by dressing up, wearing my bracelet, etc...

 

coda, you bring up some good points:

 

A) she is in a relationship, this is true, and it makes me feel lousy that she thinks more about him than me.... Dont really care for that, but what can I do except get out of the picture myself and its both our losses now.

 

B) she did tell me she told him we were spending Saturday together. She also told me Sunday she went to his house to get him to go to work cause they are short-handed, right there I knew I was gonna be pushed aside.

 

C) The roommate prolly wont tell the LOSER, as not to put friction on the living arrangements.

 

D) She told me her mom met the LOSER, but didnt say one way or the other whether she liked him or not. That was over Easter, and I asked her that weekend how was her Easter weekend, and she said pretty lousy. But those are just her words.

 

E) I have no clue as to what she is thinking, she tells me she thinks of me when she is with the LOSER! She doesnt love him like me to marry him. She told me Sunday she really wants to come over Sunday nite, but doesnt. She told me at the end of January she really doesnt want to get into a relationship with anyone, but couple weeks later, she does. All those are just her empty words & promises.

 

I have been her pillar, I really have been. I have been the one who ALWAYS makes her feel like a million bucks about herself. And well I am not doing it anymore. I gotta start looking out for number 1, cause I am starting to feel like number 2 with her, in more ways than one. (literally)

If I let her, this will just go on and on and on. I said originally from the start I would give it a couple months to see if anything will come of this, well it has been a couple months, and I amn no better off now than at the end of January........

[keefy1972]

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[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Wow, I've been following this thread for about a week now. I am going through the same things as what yous are. Very similar situation. We've been broken up since last summer and still calls me occasionally, and I talk to her online. I want her back real bad, but it seems that everytime things start getting better, I have one of these emotional outbreaks and mess everything up.

 

I totally understand what you 2 are going through. Damned if you do, damned if you don't! Should I say I love u and tell her how I feel, should I not. Should I call her, should I wait for her to contact me.

 

Theres been alot of good advice I've found in this thread so far.

 

Thanks

(I'll be following this thread for many days to come!)

[vhshowdown]

Welcome outoftheblue. We are all in the same boat, so we share our thoughts here, and our VENTS!! LOL we have pretty good ideas how to get back in their lives, but still work in progress to get them back 100%.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.. How true my friend!!

 

keefy, no that is cool you 2 talked. so the other day when you signed off, and then she did, sounds like she was wanting to talk to you then, thats real cool...

As far as the convo, not bad. But, whatever you do, do NOT bring up dude again. You may be ok with it, but she obviously isnt, so dont bring it up again, ok!! and ya prolly no more love yas either for awhile!!

 

I would still respond to her email in a few days, dont look too eager there. But ya she is looking for you, this is a good thing, but still take it slow right now keefy!!

 

As far as me, I just went for a little drive to try and clear my head a little bit. I am thinking I am going back to NC for awhile. She obviously has issues, and I need to get my thoughts clear again, as well as my actions.

Back when we originally broke up and I was seeing someone else, and then her, I eventually blew her off, and it has come out lately that I really hurt her by doing this, well what comes around goes around!! Do you think this was her plan?? Reel me in..... revenge is best serve cold!!

[codaaurora]

Hey guys, sorry I've been absent for a little while. Things here with me are average. I spoke with K on Saturday. He called me twice last week, I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Then Saturday he called and I returned his call this time. We only talked for about 10 mins, he was on his way out to his "not gf's" home I suppose as he said he was driving in San Dimas and she is out that way. I also had someone come up and tell me all about her, apparently she is a friend of a friend of a person I work with. Let me tell you, this chick runs her mouth something fierce and I KNOW that drives him nuts! He hates it when that happens, we used to have fights over that stuff a long time ago. And now, here's his new 22 year old girl, that he is only "just seeing, not dating", going around telling her friends with loose mouths that she has to have blood work done and a PAP cause she has an infection that she isn't so sure about. EWWW. I wish I could tell him about that, but I don't want to seem as if I am hunting this info down, so am going to leave it. It'll come back around to bite them both in the butt sooner or later. AND, I figure, that's what he gets for dating someone so immature. Blech.

 

Other than that, I haven't heard from him. I sent him an email but it was only 3 sentences long and consisted mostly of "Hey, how are you, here are the most recent pictures of the girls, have a good day" kind of stuff, with new pictures of the girls attached. I know he opened it but he hasn't responded. I also spoke with his Mom on Monday and she said that she talked to him too on Saturday and gave him a hard time about saying that he was going to come over to my house last weekend and then ditching, she told him he was becoming rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible ever since meeting "that 22 year old" (that's what she calls her haha).

 

You know, you go through periods where you want them back more than anything, that if you can't just speak with them you will bust, your positive that if you can just tell them how much you love them and need them it will make a difference. After all, you were once in love and everything was great, why the heck can't it be that way again. Then, the more that time passes, you start to not feel that conviction so much anymore. You start to realize that while they are still great, you see the things that they really let you down in. The things that bugged you the most in the relationship that you forgot about or didn't think mattered anymore once the painful breakup began. That's when you start to realize that while you still love them and would like to be with them, it might not be the end all be all of your life. That there might be someone else out there for you. You start to get a little excited at the prospect of a new person. It's scary but exciting. You don't feel so guilty over having these feelings, like your cheating on your ex or something.

 

These are the things that I've been coming to terms with. I still am not really dating anyone. I've gone out, but I refuse to have a relationship with someone until I am where I want to be. Until I am comfortable being with myself and can just as easily stay in as go out. Until I am happy with my body and have it back to it's athletic state. Until I'm happier with ME, instead of relying so much of my happiness on someone else.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, that maybe this is something that we should all be doing. Stop caring so much about them and getting them back and start caring more about ourselves and getting US back you know? Cultivating friendships, hobbies, studies, OUR OWN LIVES.

 

I missed you guys. And yes, I am feeling better thanks. Still sick, but better.

[vhshowdown]

I hope everyone is having a good day so far. Well, starting Day 3 of NC, and just as I suspected, I am angry at the world, more so than I was yesterday. I really hate this. And I feel like someone hit me in the gut a few times!! BLAH I was on top of the world this weekend, and now I am in the gutter. I hate that one person can have an affect on me like this!!

 

MY VENT:

But it is all my own fault, I knew going into this thing she was playing me, or whatever, and I did it anyway. Its obvious we have feelings for each other, but we are on different levels. She wants me to be her back door man, and I want to be number 1. She is seeing someone else, and I guess they arent exclusive, so thus why I can be in the picture. And plus, we are NOT together, so I shouldnt feel bad anyway. I guess I figured with all that was happening, we would be on our way to getting back together, and now it doesnt look like that will happen. I know you all say I am in a good position just being in her life again, but I could have always had that, I chose not to because I know my feelings for her vs. her feelings for me.

 

But this experience has shown me that I have grown, I have not gotten angry with her, but maybe once, when I told her some of my feelings, and granted she did try to make some of this work afterwards. I do have some issues I need to work on with myself, like jealousy and possessiveness, which neither are good for a relationship... that marriage stuff she threw at me last month really shook me up...

 

I have come to terms that I am not gonna express any feelings to her. This is now a given LOL But I have not figured out what I am gonna do either. I am now really thinking about just not seeing her anymore whatsoever. After all that has happened (and not happened) I am thinking this may be best for ME!!

[codaaurora]

I am now really thinking about just not seeing her anymore whatsoever. After all that has happened (and not happened) I am thinking this may be best for ME!!

 

And really hon, this is the most important thing of all.....YOU. You are the most important thing in your life. Taking care of yourself and doing whats right for you is the most important thing. How can you possibly love someone else, truly, if you can't feel comfortable in your own skin, if you can't "love" yourself?

 

You know, you and Keefy are both such wonderful men, able to express your emotions thoughtfully, to recognize your faults and where you were wrong and to try to win back what you want without acting like a Bull in a china shop. Do you realize how important that is? How much of a great trait that is in a man? Any girl would be so happy, proud and grateful to have those traits in a man. You are the ones that are always taken. The guys that we girls sit around wishing for. Don't forget that (don't let it get to your head either or I'll kick your backsides).

 

I know that everything is going to turn out right for us in the end, whether its what we want or something that we never dreamed about.

[keefy1972]

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[codaaurora]

Keefy hon, I'm very proud of you. Everytime you feel frustrated or upset and are able to keep it from turning into an episode is an accomplishment.

 

Actually, I've been feeling pretty apathetic myself lately. I guess this is just another form of healing. Allowing myself not to care so much in order to heal a little from the pain that his constant stupidity causes. LOL

 

Anyway, you both are doing so well. Stay strong and just remember, we all are going to continue to have our moments of impatience and insanity. What is the most important thing, is remembering the times that we were happy and content. To focus on these and not let our minds create a situation that our mouths act on and we regret later.

 

Keep coming on here and writing things out before you act, thus giving you an opportunity to think the situation over and others to give you guidance and support.

[vhshowdown]

Thanks for the votes of confidence guys, I am kinda out there right now. Glad you are back coda!!

 

Well, she just called, and we talked, I was congenial the whole convo. Didnt let her know I have been kinda like whats up lately, so I did good there. She eventually came out and asked me what I was doing tomorrow nite, and I said nothing I know of. She said you wanna meet her and a friend and shoot pool, or whatever. I was like sure. We talked some more, and then I go, where do you want to meet tomorrow nite. She tried to make it real close to my house, and then she goes I'll just come by and get you. I was like, no that is ok, I'll meet you at so and so, and she was like I was just trying to make it so you didnt have to drive as far... So she got mad. And we ended the convo that way....

 

Oh, and also it came out that the LOSER was posed to come over last nite, but didnt show. Low and behold she calls me the next day!!! Gee, how did I know something like that happened?? I didnt say anything though.

[keefy1972]

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[codaaurora]

V, typical behaviour. I really am not liking the way she is treating you but you know, each person reacts differently to each situation and I think that she really is confused about her feelings and what she wants. You did right to stick by your horses and take control with just meeting them wherever. I'm so proud of you.

 

K called today finally, this time he left a silly message (my cell number is one off from Mercury Ins. so I get calls on this all the time with people leaving their policy numbers and checking account numbers to make payment - idiots), anyway, I have on there that Noooo I am not Mercury and please only leave a message for XXXXX (me). So he left a message saying that he is trying to reach his Mercury agent XXXXX and would she please return his call. It was typical funny him, just like the old days.

 

I am at a loss as to what to do. I called him back on Saturday to remind him to give me notice when he wants to visit the girls and he didn't return my call or respond to my email until today. I know that he spends the weekends with his "not gf" and doesn't come back into town until Monday night when he has to go to work. So this is feeling like the same thing here for me V. He calls me when he can't be with/talk to the "not gf". To be honest, I don't really want to call him. The "southern girl" part of my upbringing is argueing with me that it's not the proper thing to do, not to return a call from someone who left a message. The dumped part of me is like "He friggen returns your calls (the few that there are) at his leisure so turn about is fair play Bub.". argh.

 

I guess I will return his call later today, he called this morning so returning it around 5 (when I'm pretty sure he will be asleep) should suffice. If he asks if he can come over, I honestly don't know what I'll say. I already told him no twice before now, he hasn't seen the girls since March 19 and I am starting to feel a little guilty over that. I know that he misses but I see how it effects the girls, they miss him really bad. I know, I know, their animals, but you don't understand, to someone with no children and WANTING children (and I have a big mushy heart when it comes to animals anyway) THEY ARE my children and I am empathetic to them.

 

I don't know. What do you guys suggest? Now watch, neither one of you will be able to respond until tomorrow when I already had to make a decision. Is this year over yet? LOL

[keefy1972]

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