vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 I know what you are saying. Right now I feel like your email you did not send. I feel like just going off on her, but what or where will that get me. I have alot of anger inside me right now. Frustration. Doubts. That is my big and basically only dilemma. And I do not know how to handle it. Why do i pursue someone if her actions say she really doesnt want to be with me. I feel like I am her escape goat kinda thing.... Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Ok, if I had the opportunity to say this to her, this is what I would let go of: (true or not, this is how I feel) "Ok, it seems like everytime something goes wrong in your life, I am the one you come running to. I am the one who has NEVER put you down, I make you feel good about yourself, like a million bucks. But then you would go running off to someone else, or whatever you do. Then you tell me you love me enough to marry me. Ok, I am now thinking that was just to see if I would marry you, and thus you can feel good about yourself. Since we broke up last year, we have only spent more than 12 hours together on two different days.... So, this kinda tells me that you really dont enjoy my company much. I am just there for you for a few hours, and then I see you for a few hours later in the week, but never on a Saturday, heaven forbid..... And its not like you have that busy of a life, cause I know you dont!! So, it has got me to thinkng, why should I waste my time on someone who doesnt really care to spend alot of time with me. Devotion and dedication are good things, provided that the object of one's devotion and dedication is healthy and reciprocal. I feel ours no longer or never did qualify as healthy and reciprocal, I am under no obligation to become anything with you!" All that is not bad or mean, but it is inside me and how I feel. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Well, so now I am thinking whether I really want to call her or not. She left me to call her, and I still have only called her once since she gave me that direct number for her. But I dont know now. Half of me has really been thinking we arent meant to be together, cause of all I wrote last post. I am so very confused right now. I feel like after we broke up, and we kinda got back together, I didnt like how things were going, who she was becoming, etc... so I just started blowing her off, and not calling her or going to see her. So I stopped contact slowly from her. Well, I am getting those same exact feelings again keefy. Its not good!! The roller coaster is along way from the station. I know one thing though, I am looking forward to watching that NCAA game between Illinois and North Carolina tonite. It should be a good one... Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Ya I agree with ya. Illinois all the way. I used to live in Illinois, so almost went to college there. So I thought they had the best team for most of the season. But I agree with ya, I really shouldnt talk to her right now. Well, she isnt calling me either, so I guess it is no big deal on her part. Which I do think is pretty funny. Although I do not know how long the two have been going out together, but she has called me every week, either to talk or to get together. So, that dude must be either a loser, or she has lied all along, and she wants to get a commitment from him and he wont.... (thus, the marriage stuff she told me would be a lie). Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 I would tend to believe that if she lied about the marriage thing it would have been to get a commitment from you. Not him. Is why she told you about it. She wanted you to react to it. But I don't guess anyone really knows but her. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Well, I originally was thinking that, but then the fact that she hasnt been spending alot of time with me changes that for me. If she was looking for that from me, then you would think she would be trying to come over, see me, etc.. all the time. Well, it really hasnt been like that. That is why I am going thru this mood I am right now. She told me to get a reaction from me to make her feel better about herself, I swear.... I am just complaining right now. I am on a down trend, and thanks for letting me vent here, it does help to get this out of me... I pulled out a song I havent listened to in along time this weekend. ZZ Top's "Dirty Dog" Right now this is how I feel towards her... LOL Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 LOL, whatever works, right?? I definitely understand the frustration. She is very obviously confused. Even more so than my ex. I sympathize with your mood man. It's tough. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 First off, I gotta ask, where is coda? You heard from her keefy?? I heard from her last Friday, and that is it... I hope she is doing ok.... Secondly, I called my EX. I know I said I wouldnt but I did. We talked and it was alright, I can tell she has an attitude with me. So then she started having a convo with her co-workers, almost like I wasnt even there. I was like hey, I'm gonna let you go. She was like why, well cause you all are talking and I gotta get in the shower, so I can go watch the game tonite. She was like, Ok, you want me to call you sometime?? Sure! She says how bout tomorrow... Ya thats fine. Id like that.... Cya So, she was waiting for me to call her I think, but who knows anymore.... cause she wasnt gonna call me today, she was about to get off. So, now whatever happens she cant say I didnt try, right?!?!?!?!!?!?! Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 well I agree with you in that I cant tell her what is on my mind like that, so I wont tell.... and I have come so far, I dont know if I want to throw it all away yet... I gave coda some advice in a PM, but I havent heard from her since, dont know what she ended up doing..... As far as your email keefy, I think it sounds good, except for the second sentence, about wondering if its the compliments or being reminded. Other than that I think it is cool..... Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 5, 2005 Author Share Posted April 5, 2005 She just called and told me some news. We were talking and all, and then it came out dude no longer works there. Really!! So, I guess that is good news huh. I didnt say anything about it at all... just changed the subject. So, now she has me on hold..... well, she is kinda busy, so we had to let each other go.... but she left it I will call you tomorrow, and maybe we can go do something later this week... works for me... did you ever get a reply form your email keefy? Link to comment
codaaurora Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 Hey my sweet boys, thanks for the concern! I'm back! YAY. So here is the break down. I spoke with him Friday night and told him he could come over either that night (Nope, he had a date) or Saturday but that I was going to be running errands and for him to call me. He never did, not until Monday night. I sent you both the same PM as to what went down behind the scenes there. Essentially though, Friday night I stayed up late watching movies (Ever After, Jaws, Sweet Home Alabama - what can I say? I'm a freak). Then saturday I got up too late to take my car in so said "S*rew it" and went to take my pets to the vet for their nail clippings. Then went shopping with my bonus money and went INSANE in Walmart. I bought an all wood with doors cd case, an end table with a light attached, a fan, a starter fish tank and two gold fish and then went home and spent 5 happy hours trying to put that stuff all together. OH how you two would have laughed at me trying to put the hinges on the doors for that poor cd case!!! Sunday I was supposed to go to the Angels/Dodger game at Dodgers stadium but my friend woke up sick and so I wound up going out to eat and to the movies with a BOY (!!) and another couple. HEHE. Oh and don't see Sin City. Total let down. Good graphics, good cinematography, great actors, lots of gore and shooting (I like that when it's not gratuitious) but it was four stories in one and they did a horrible job intertwinning them. The only problem was that I was achy all day Sunday, I thought it was becuase I worked out and didn't stretch, but then Monday morning woke up with a fever of 103 and a sore throat which I never get because I had my tonsils out. So, I was out of work Monday and Tuesday and found out that I have that new strain of "Walking Pneumonia" that is resistant to meds, so they gave me a shot of steroids (to help me feel better) and here I am. So! Did ya'll miss me? hehe Ok, VHS - She is playing you a little bit here bud. She recongizes that she has some control back. Start NC again. Be pleasant, upbeat, jovial even, when talking to her but keep it brief and only when she calls and you are caught off guard. Otherwise, I would NC again. Keefy - You are doing well. I think you should REALLY pick up that book though. It will help you BIG time. Do it for me ok? It's called: How to Get Your Lover Back by Blase Harris, M.D.. Check it out ok? It really has helped me and it's not just all about getting your lover back, it's also about healing and moving on if need be. Hope you both are doing well. I'm looking forward to the weekend already. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 9, 2005 Author Share Posted April 9, 2005 Glad to have you back coda, missed ya girl... How are you feeling, I hope getting better!?!?!?! Sorry to hear about last weekend, but it will get better. Sounds like you are keeping busy, so that is good. NC and keeping busy will do you some good, cause from you have been saying, when things cool down, he will call again. Keefy, what are you up to son?? How are things going for you? Staying busy too? I have been kinda stressed with work and stuff, so it is carrying over into my personal life I think. My ex and I have been talking, very laid back conversations, so that is cool. She called me today and asked me to go with her to a rock and roll art show tomorrow. So that is cool. The thing I have been complaining about is we dont spend any of HER free time (day off) together. So, I think she is trying, that is a start. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 Keefy, remember what you told me last week, just give it a few weeks and it will happen for ya. Sorry to hear about your back, I didnt know. Back pain is the world's worst, it really is. Just soak in hot baths helps too. Well, I got some news to tell..good or bad, I dont know.... She came over to day and we left from my house. We went to a bunch of different places, it was a nice day together. Oh, and she got all dressed up in a skirt and stuff, she looked really really good, and was wearing the bracelet I gave her again!! So, we started getting hungry, and eventually she said I got something for you at my house, lets go over there and pick up a some food. But this wasnt planned, mind you. So, that is what we did. Well, then she saw one of her bf's friends, and she was like oh now he's gonna tell him, blah blah blah... but she says she already told him we were gonna spend the day together. Coda, I am definitely being played. Well dam, I was thinking he was completely out of the picture, no he isnt... Well, I got pretty ticked off about it but didnt say anything, and she said something about me being mad now, so she is trying to get me to smile and stuff.. I told her that what am I doing here if you gotta bf, etc and she was like its not like he is a good bf or anything.. Well, we are eating, and we go back inside, and next thing I know, I give in and we are in bed... Well, her roommate comes home... OK... busted now!! First time we ever met... Except for the circumstances, I think I made a good impression though.. LOL Now, I am kinda thinking that was maybe done on purpose, I havent a clue. I dont know what is going thru her mind, and she wont tell me of course. Part of me knows to stay away from her, its a triangle or something. I dont want that, you know. The other part knows she is unhappy for whatever, and I want to show her, hey, this is where you need to be at, get in her life as best I can, and take her back!! Gotta fight for what you want, right. So, I am torn right now with what I want to do next. (if there were no feelings, I wouldnt have a problem with being used... LOL but that isnt the case). We got back to my house eventually, talked for a little while. When she left we kissed real long, and she goes I have to work tomorrow, I will call you if that is OK. Ya sure.... I almost feel like when we broke up for good, and I started seeing someone else, and then her too (she knew this), this is where we are, only reversed (shoe is on the other foot). Like maybe this is pay back for what I did, cause she did give me that present, and said she had been "holding it ever since we broke up and you stopped seeing me altogether." What to do, what to do.... tomorrow is another day, probably be down in the in the dumps for where I stand on the outside looking in Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted April 11, 2005 Author Share Posted April 11, 2005 I dont know man. Maybe she isn't using you, maybe she REALLY is that confused. I don't know what she has going on with that other dude, but like I told you before, if she wasn't your ex and just some new girl who was cheating on her bf with you, wouldn't you get some kind of serious ego stroke out of it?? Or would you be sitting there saying...."man, I can't believe she is using me". You asked for more effort out of her and by gosh I would say you are definitely getting it. Quit worrying about the other guy and just be glad that you have found your way back into her life. Cherish the moments. Thanks for the vote of confidence keefy, means alot to me bro.... I need it right now. My head is swirling from so much that is happening and all the different thoughts that are going thru my brain. It's been an odd few weeks. With all the focus on my words and expressing a limited amount of my feelings, and with thoughts flying and ideas forming in rapid fire succession my world has been a fast paced blur where one sentence leads to a thousand different possibilities. I know the whole key to my deal is keeping my emotions in check, my mouth and words in check, and treat it like a new dating situation. I am not so sure that she is confused, I just think she is co-dependent, always needs someone to be with her. That is what it is. Which I guess I am fine with that, but I hate that I feel like I am always her last option!! Yesterday we talked and she said she felt sick, she would prolly leave early and go home. Then she says she had to get her bf back into work, cause they are short-handed. Also, she may have to pick up her roommate an hour away. Oh, and that she MAY like to come over tonite (Sunday nite) and she will call first before she does, if she comes over. Well, she never did call, which I knew she wouldnt!!!!! So, she will prolly call today, so i am gonna tell her I am busy that I will call her back, then call her tomorrow instead... what do you think?? Now, as far as your situation keefy, remember what you PM'd me last week. Give that a chance & I truly believe in 2 weeks she will email you a couple times, she doesnt hear from you so she calls. I know it is hard, i still feel like I am going thru that even now myself, but be strong, keep yourself busy, and before you know it, all your wishes may just come true. Will you be ready for it?? She got your email, she may just be busy right now, try not to fret it if you can. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Link to comment
chai714 Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 SHE MUST NOT know she can affect you so much emotionally. You have to make her wonder. If you do tell her that you are busy and will call her tomorrow..make it the truth. After telling her this, get busy to pass the time and avoid thinking about it and worrying that you screwed up. BE BUSY. That's my advice for the day That is exactly right. Seeming like you're unaffected by her actions makes the situation seem (to her, and yourself) that you have more control over it. That is some solid advice Keefy. Link to comment
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