VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

V, I agree with Keefy, you should be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Be happy that atleast she is contacting you, and making plans.

 

Even small errors during these times will hurt you more in the long run. Believe me, I have been there. Everything is going great, then I open my big mouth and let a little comment slip out, and its back to the old drawing board for a couple months to get her back where she was.

 

Coda, its a difficult situation i'm sure w/ having kids involved. If it was me, I would let them see him at his place. Take them and drop them off at his place, then return to pick them up. Keep your time there as short as possible. It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with him being in your home right now. Really its up to you, and how you feel about it.

 

Its my ex's bday tomorrow, just wondering what I should do. What would you's do? She came to see me on my birthday. Couldn't afford anything for me, but promised to make it up to me.

[vhshowdown]

no, i know keefy, its hard right now. she got mad cause she didnt get her way, which I have always let her have her way. Saturday we had a fun time, she told me that 3 or 4 times. I guess thats what is so frustrating, we have good times, and yet I still get one or two times a week at most to see her. I know, she's not a whopper (lol, i liked that BK quote by the way) and I know its better than 0 times per week!! I will go out with her tomorrow nite, with no expectations just to have a good time.

 

The LOSER bit gets to me cause she throws it in my face, I have yet to ask her to about him or to talk about him.... not once. I always change the subject...

 

coda, if you want to talk with him, then by all means call him. It is up to you, if you are STRONG enough to, then do it. Just dont bring up the past, relationships, etc... keep it to small talk if you have to...

As for him coming over, hhmmm tough one. Animals are great. My cat is my son, he really is. (I wish I could find a woman to love me as much as my cat) So i can see he prolly misses them.

Only if you feel strong enough, can handle the different situations that may be thrown at you, then yes, otherwise no....

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

V, you get to see her once or twice a week, WOW. I only see my ex once a month for a couple hours if I am lucky. You should be happy that she sees you this much, she must care about you (but don't let it get to your head) .

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

btw, I hope yous don't mind me joining your thread in the middle of it, its just that we all seem to be in the same situation here.

 

Thanks

[vhshowdown]

No, keefy, you arent being harsh, its really what I prolly need, a kick in the axx. I have come along ways, maybe half way there. 2 steps forward, one back. At least you guys are being objective and giving me different point of views. (and she doesnt have a clue that it has been bugging me either, luckily) And you all did change my mind about telling her my feelings....

 

Blue, you DEFINITELY need to get her a card and something small, NOT lovey dovey type gift. And just sign the card LOVE, (no I love yous). This goes along way that you remember HER birthday!!

[codaaurora]

OUTOFTHEBLUE9,

No worries, we are all in this together! Oh the girls are our mutual pets, not real flesh and blood children. It that was the case, no way I would deny him.

 

V and Keefy,

 

Thanks guys for responding. You know, a very small part of me still wants to call him, but this larger more cynical part of me is getting tired of his behaviour, of his dating someone so young and immature. It makes me feel weird knowing that I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who would get all serious so quickly with what is basically a child.

 

I don't know, I'm not really mad at him, just getting fed up with it all you know? And afraid, afraid that if I call him and he comes over and we have a good time talking and laughing (like I know we will) then my hopes will go up again when they shouldn't. I know that he is on again off again with this chick (his profile is off of yahoo again so they must be on again) and I spoke with his friends who said that he went on and on the other day about how hot she is. (argh) But, I just, ......I just don't know how I feel right now. You know? I think I'll wait and see how I feel later today. It just doesn't feel right, playing this phone tag game when I know he misses them pretty badly. (Especially the oldest, she's his girl more than the younger, she follows him everywhere when he's over and she's out).

 

Once again, I wish we all lived closure. You guys need to move to Southern Cali ok? Come on. You know you wanna.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

Blue, send the card, Keef's right, she won't forget it and even the best, sweetest girl in the world won't let you live it down. Sorry I didn't pick up on that before.

 

V, listen to Keefy, he's the most level headed of us all at the moment, I'm sure the tables will turn after a while, but we're all used to that by now.

 

Keef, shut up, I hate it when your right. LOL. No seriously, it really is ticking me off about the age thing. If he was seeing someone closer to our age group I wouldn't really complain, honestly. I would be happy that he is finding healthy relationships. BUT this is not healthy and it makes me question what the heck I saw in him for 8 and a half years. You see what I mean? Anyway, I can't push him the way you guys can nudge girls. Guys have a tendency of getting thick skulled and bull headed and even if they want something, if you TELL them they want it, they'll deny it just to be contrary and not agree with you in the area of emotions or relationships (I'm talking in the situation we are in now, not in general, just after a breakup). I have to treat him with kid gloves, and unfortunately I don't know how far I can go and what I can do. I'm just at a total loss. So I remain in NC and only call him when he calls me and leaves a message. Plus, he doesn't bring up his "not gf", he brings up MY friend Jason (the one I told you guys looked like Brad Pitt and who he calls Brad and is positive that I am seeing seriously no matter what I tell him and I usually don't tell him much other than I'm not or to change the subject and ask how his gf is and then he just laughs).

 

ARGH You guys are impossible sometimes!!!! I quit!!!!!!!! Gonna join a convent!!!!!!

 

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

You all are so stong. Personally I don't know if I can take much more of this.

 

My Rant:

She really makes me feel like I am the fall back guy through her actions. Her dad has left her mom twice since the summer, and I seem to only be around when things get back at home and she needs someone to talk to. Everytime things start getting better with her parents, she stops talking to me regularly and seeing me. I know her parents are against her seeing me, now that she is officially seeing the guy she left me for. This really ticks me off because they didn't have anything to say when I was living with them and her when she was seeing this other guy while I was living there except, "we are your parents, we have to stand behind any decision you make"! I just can't let her go without changing her perception of me, and what she remembers. I'm so affriad that she will always remember why she left, and never want to go back to that. I try to show her that I have changed, but she just won't let me. Her parents are back together so now she is barely talking to me again. We now live about 300 kms apart, she is in school and I moved away to work. The only reason I stick around is because she gives me little hopes for the futur. IE. my birthday she promised to make it up to me, when she gets a job and I won't regret it (guessing she is referring to taking a trip we always wanted todo, she said her bf would hate it) that makes me happy to hear. Also she refers to me coming to see her this summer and lying by the pool together. But she has made references in the past to things, but they never happen. I hate not feeling like number 1 anymore. I made the mistake a couple weeks ago of pointing out to her that she has been contacting me all the time, not vise versa, now she barely calls. She told me she wanted me to call her more. She is so confusing.

 

How did yous manage to get your ex's to want to do things together, because thats what I need to get her todo, to show her I've changed (I always wanted to sit at home, and never go out!)?

 

Wow, that was long

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

btw, this is a great thread for positive advice/ encouragement, I think thats what I need. Everyone else in my life... parents/brothers/friends tell me to move on, and let her go, forget about her, she obviously doesn't care. Thats why I try not to talk to these people about it, because they dont understand I need encouragement. You can only take to much advice to leave, before it goes to your head!

 

Thanks all

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Its hard for me to the the NC thing. I still have a box of her stuff, and she still has my tv. We still have insurance together also. I work at a computer during the day, so I am online messenger, I can't ignore her, or delete her, I feel that would be rude. She would know I am ignoring her. Well I'm actually always at the computer (I'm a programmer and love computers). The longest we have gone without contact is about 4 days, but pretty well 7. Last time she contacted me. When you do NC, do you tell the person? or do you just start ignoring? I also find NC hard becausee it feels like a mind game, and I am against playing childish mind games (as they seem).

[vhshowdown]

Blue, NC is not a mind game. It is more for the healing process we all need to get over the pain of losing that special someone. Some people use it as a mind game, but the majority of us will use that time to collect our thoughts, and get us back on the track to overcome our pain. It does depend on the circumstances involved, the people etc...

 

But I think us 3 and the majority of this forum will tell you it is a good start to moving on or getting to the next step of healing. Now, in your case, it may be difficult if she contacts you knowing you are online etc... you may just have to tell her you are busy, or whatever. do you tell the person, it most instances, I do NOT....

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

How long have you all been broken up with your exs? Been 10 months for me!

[vhshowdown]

My EX and I broke up early last year. I did the pleading and begging thing then, didnt work. So I started to move on, met someone else and started seeing her, then the EX came back and tells me she wants me back. Well, I said we will see each and other people then. Well didnt work for me, so I let her go. (I dont like dating several people at once anymore, thus why I think I am having a problem with her seeing someone else now) We got into a big fight over this and went into absolute NC for a month.

 

Since then she has tried to get back together, well I never pursued it. I was trying to move on, and with me I prefer NC when I do this. Then January 20th she called, I decided to see her cause I thought I was over her. I was to an extent, but we started hanging out more and more, there will always be something there for her I realize!!!

 

That is my story and Im sticking to it.........

[codaaurora]

Hey guys, well, I called him and I wish to God I hadn't. He wanted to talk finances, he wanted me to help him revitalize his real estate career (which he hasn't worked on since our initial split back in October) and to give him 2 grand of what I owe him in a lump sum instead of making payments like I have been, he said whats the difference in making payments to him or to the place where I have credit available (I brought up interest and he put that down to, how small my interest was, blah blah blah) he kept saying that he owed / maxed out all his credit cards and granted the new ones weren't my responsibility, I had helped him on the old ones and me making little payments every month wouldn't help him start the Real Estate and that I was giving him the shaft after him taking care of everything for us and me for almost 9 years and when I said that I just wasn't prepared to do this yet, take all that money out of my credit and owe interest and got a little mad he said that by me saying that he wasn't being fair, I was calling him selfish.

 

It turned into this huge nasty fight. It was horrible. He said so many terrible things, he accused me of going back on my promise to help him. I tried to explain that that was when we were together and he said friendship shouldn't change a promise and I said fine that he promised to marry me, is he going to follow through on that and he said that was different and I said it wasn't. Finally, after much argueing, I got tired of it and tired of feeling like I was starting to hate him and finally said I would do what I could to get him the money. We tried to have a civil conversation after that and then he asked if he could ever borrow my SUV for the Real Estate (we had bought it with this in mind, even though I made the payments, it was really for me and the Real Estate). I said I would consider it but only with the understanding that his new girlfriend could not be in it and do you know what he did? He ask me why not. He asked me WHY NOT! I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

I was more hurt by that than any of the mean things that he said to me earlier. I couldn't believe that this person that I had loved, still love, could even THINK that it wouldn't be a problem with me that his new girlfriend be in MY vehicle. It's not that he doesn't know how I feel about him. He does. I had told him earlier that I felt like he was using my feelings for him against me. I told him that I still loved him, that I knew we weren't together anymore, but that I felt that he was using me and then later, he asked me that question about the car. That devastated me. It hurt that he would even think that he could. It hurt that he didn't understand even after I explained it to him. It hurt that he thought I could just stop my feelings for him as easily and as quickly as he did for me. It hurt that someone who said that they still love me (even if it's not romantic love) could DO that to me. I began to have these feelings of hate towards him and then felt guilty for having them. I began to question why I still even had feelings for someone who would be so callous. I began to question everything.

 

I don't know what to do now guys. I stayed calm and got off the phone with him. I cried for like an hour, tried to reach Keefy on Yahoo sametime, called a friend in San Diego, cried some more and questioned everything. I'm going to get some money out today and put a lump sum in his account, I have too, I already said I would so no changing that. But now what do I do? I told him that I know all about Liz and to stop denying that she isn't his girlfriend cause I was sick of it and he wanted to know what I knew and I told him perhaps he needed to start teaching her to keep her mouth shut the way he harped on me for 8 years about not talking about HIM to my friends (insinuating that I heard stuff cause she was running her mouth). I apologized later to him for telling him that stuff and that I shouldn't have and that he shouldn't be upset with her for talking to her friends, it wasn't her fault her friends talked outside of that. But still. So many things were said that I dont' know if any of it can be repaired on my side. I even told him that I didn't like the person he was becoming and he wanted to know what he was becoming and badgered me into telling him so I did. I told him that he was becoming callous towards other's feelings, that his behaviour was immature, that he wasn't taking care of his responsibilities, that I questioned the motives of a 35 year old man dating a 21-22 year old girl and thinking he's in love with her after a week, especially a girl who would sleep with a guy after only knowing him a day, I brought up everything. The only thing he pounced on was that she wasn't immature and that I didn't know her and I said "Oh K, please, ok? Give me a break." So then he said something that really ticket me off, I can't remember what it was, but it was something typically inflammatory and I told him that I didn't believe that he had ever truly loved me that he might have at the beginning but that everything after that was him just being comfortable with me and being afraid of leaving that behind and he didn't disagree with me, he said nothing. This devastated me too, I mean, I asked for it, but I didn't REALLY believe it you know? I was baiting him I guess, to see what he would say and HE SAID NOTHING. But later, he asked if I was seeing a guy and said his whole name and I have NEVER mentioned this person to him and I asked how he knew about him and he said that he has his sources. Then he kept asking about the guys I was seeing and if they made any moves on me. I tried to change the subject and he mentioned that I should think about buying a condo and I said I didn't know what I wanted to do and that I might move in a few years and he was like "Oh, now you don't want to live in CA?" kind of accusatory and I was like no, it's not that, just thinking of moving someplace weird for a year but that's in the future and he was like where? So I mentioned Washington state and he was like Seattle (?) and I said yes and he said he wanted to move there and I said yeah remember we used to talk about it and Seattle was one of the places we thought about. Shortly after that, he asked about Jason again (my Brad look alike friend) and I mentioned going to the beach to take pictures (by myself) and taking pictures off of Jason's boat and K said he hated Jason cause he wanted a boat too. Actually, Jason has everything that K wants in life, no bills, owns a condo, drives a bmw, has a boat in the marina, is finacially secure in a job he loves. I just don't have any feelings for Jason and I can't make those happen you know?

 

I'm so wracked up right now. I cried so much friggen last night and I hate being alone when this happens. I just want to be home with my friends, so I can curl up with them and cry and have them pat my back and tell me that I'm going to be ok, it hurts yes, it feels like I'm dying yes, but that I am going to be ok and I CAN'T DO THAT!

 

OK OK, enough, I'm getting upset again. I don't want to cry at work. Ok, waiting to hear from you guys. I need some words of encouragment here.

[vhshowdown]

Well, I wished you didnt call him either coda. I am real sorry you are hurting now. I know exactly how you feel though.

 

I dont have alot more I can say, I am not gonna give you the move on speech. But I will tell you this. Only a handful of people know this about me, it may help you. Last year, after my EX and I broke it off for good, got into a huge argument, and she said some stuff to me that really really hurt me, and to never call her again, EVER!! Well I did just that. But I had started drinking fairly heavily for 2 - 3 months by this time. I quit drinking and stopped all contact with her at the same time. As you can imagine, I was miserable!! I was a wreck, depressed all the time, stopped seeing the new gf in my life, just SICK!! It took me a month to get back on my feet. But I did. So then when she contacted me, I never called her back, until she called from a number I didnt know, and I answered it. But even then, I had the courage, the strength, the mindset to deal with her then.

 

I am kinda thinking this may be where you are now!! I dont know, what works for one doesnt work for everyone. But you need to get NC going for your own sanity...

 

Now as for the issues at hand. I think its great you are making payments to him, forget the lump sum, although it may help you in not having to deal with him about it anymore. I already said in ht eother post I wouldnt want any of my EXes bfs using anything of mine, no way in hell.

And do not talk to him about his new gf until you know you can handle it. That is why I just change the subject when my EX brings her bf up, i get mad, even though I dont say anything, she knows I dont like it....

[codaaurora]

Oh V, I am so sorry that things were that bad for you. I wish I could have known you then, I helped a friend through something like that a long time ago, but am so proud of you that you found the strength to rise out of that time and get to the strength your at now.

 

To be honest, I don't want to give up hope of someday having a future. I know that we sometimes say and do things to hurt the ones that we love the most. I just don't want to be hurt anymore right now. So I am going to put in a large amount of money (not all, I can't afford that) and that should make him happy and then just go back to making payments to him every month and if he brings it up again, I'm going to have to put my foot down and tell him I'm sorry, I'm not being mean, but I can't afford to pay a lump sum right now.

 

I just wish none of this had ever happened.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

Almost forgot, vhs, dude, good luck tonight man. Play it cool and make sure YOU have a great time. Laugh loud, laugh often, and cherish the moments!

[vhshowdown]

Nope, aint happenin tonite, it aint happen no more actually. She called a few minutes ago, and left a mesage, she doesnt feel good, that she doesnt feel like hanging out tonite, etc.. Predictable, I knew yesterday when she got mad! So I got the message, and called her back just now. And she was like are you mad at me, and I said oh ok, thats cool, I kinda knew last nite we werent gonna be hanging out. And she was like whatever you MF, and hung up on me!!

 

Nope, I am afraid I gotta cut my losses her guys. I really dont need this BS in my life right now, I really dont want it.... Now that I have been thinking about it, this BS is the reason why I never let us get back together last year when she tried those few times!! Exactly the reason why!!

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I agree with you that they shouldn't know how we feel. I made the mistake of ensuring her that I cared when she questioned why I wasn't calling, and she was calling everyday. After that, she stopped calling everyday. I've tested my waters this past week and I can't agree with you more.

 

Today's her bday, and I'm so depressed. I called her to say happy birthday, only talked for about 30 seconds. I know she is spending it w/ the new guy, and that bothers me sooooo much. After this weekend, I'm gonna start initiating NC again.

 

Seems like we all are having a bad couple days here.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr