VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[vhshowdown]

Well i have several issues I have on my mind today:

 

1) I wont answer my home phone, my cell has caller ID , so I wont answer when I see her number. But at work, if she calls, I will have to take it. So I may have to talk with her. I dont want to tell her I dont want to talk to her for awhile, cause then she will know I am having to deal with this, I dont want her to know that I feel like crap about it...

And there is that issue about those lyrics insert I tore up and threw out my car window, she will want that back..... I think I will either tell her

1) I gave them back to you I thought, or

2) I dont know where they are, I will need to look, or

3) I threw them away.... What is best??

I am thinking number 2.

 

2) I dont have to worry about drinking for awhile, I drank ALOT last nite and I feel horrible today....

 

3) Just coping in general. I do miss her, which I knew I would, but this is for the best. Granted, what happened the last few days was very trivial, so amends could be made, but I really dont think I want to do this right now. Its obvious she is in no hurry to apologize....

 

Oh and another reason this wont work. Originally, my family really didnt take a liking to her all that much. Which kinda sucks. So, now tht I told them we are talking again, they are like no, blah blah blah. I told them I am gonna do whatever makes me happy, please stand behind me on this.... Her mom knows we are talking, but I dont know how she feels about it. I think she was always critical of me for whatever reason, I dont know, although I treated my EX very good for the most part, she would always hear about our problems and issues....

[vhshowdown]

Ok, now that I just posted all that. I have been sitting here thinking. All the past few days, the past week, the past month, I have been writing about all her negatives, and what I dont like about the situation, etc... (Therapy, and you guys are my shrinks LOL) which I feel has carried over into my actions and feelings with her. I think I have been holding back being myself for fear of something being said about her bf, or the past or rejection, or sharing her, or whatever. (Like being afraid to talk with her right now) This is not good, it is not what got us together in the first place.

 

What about all her positives. Why do I want to be back with her in the first place. I have never really been writing about that. I think I can not make a rational decision on my direction until I start listing those, and comparing them with what i dislike, for this will give me a clearer perspective of my task at hand. I have had a pessimistic view about this from the start to an extent and this is not good...... That movie "Major League" has been stuck in my brain now...... (the other one I have been thinking has been me, George McFly, at the dance where he wusses out. I never thought I would say I have reminded myself of McFly LOL)

 

I think we all should be doing this, writing about their positives not just our gripes, why do they make us happy (they must since we want them back) which in turn will help us have a better outlook for any relationship in general, and probably help us be better companions as well in the future!! As you can see I am wishy-washy right now, one thought leading to another, and leaning from one side to the other, my brain is at work, but I have NO DIRECTION, NO CONVICTION, NO CONFIDENCE.... But I am makng progress, and I think this is the break thru I need. (Lets face it, if I get this direction, apply it, keep it, even if I dont get with my EX, this confidence should remain and be used to get with someone else) I have always been good at coming up with the ideas and concepts in life, but not always been great at making them into reality!!

 

"Coming soon but rather unexpectedly: A real sense of direction and what I'm trying to accomplish, as well as the most efficient way to pull it off. For the record, it's been brewing in the back of my mind for quite a while."

 

 

no more of this for awhile

 

 

This is very good advice coda:

 

Either way, we are humans and have a tendency to make split decisions and then convince ourselves that this is a decision that's been long in the making. It's usually not. Yes, it may have been an idea knocking around your brain for some time, but you can't just pluck it out and say "Ok, I've been thinking about this for some time so it's my decision and I'm gonna act on it now". No. You have to make the decision and then before acting on it, live it out. Live it for a while. Swim in it until your fingers get all pruny. That is making an educated decision. You've come to a conclusion, tested it and found the answer to be the same. Anything else is just jumping the gun and may (and usually does) cause regret for the future.

 

 

Its kinda like people always say, you go looking for love, you ARENT gonna find it, it comes when you least expect it, right. You get in this tunnel vision frame of mind. Like what keefy hit on a while back, I have been looking for love with this girl. Instead, I should be focused on the big picture. I gotta let it happen. I have been guilty in the past equating sex with love, love with sex. Sex is just a PART of love... and sometimes its just sex.

 

I think this has been one of the best posts I have done in quite awhile guys!! I hope you all agree......

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Keefy,

 

I know from experience that text messages are very unreliable. If this doesn't sound like her, then I would assume that she didn't get it. I've had alot of texts MIA. Infact my ex informed me yesterday morning, that she has been texting me and calling, and I have yet to get a call from her, and only got 2 texts (she said there were TONS).

 

Hope that helps

[chai714]

Keefy,

Before you send any more texts or emails, ask yourself, "How will this make her feel?" Then, answer the question. If you're not sure how it would make her feel, don't send it.

 

This is an easy (but difficult thing to do) foolproof method to not make things worse. Remember, it's best not to act on impulsive thoughts that enter your mind, and if you do want to act, just ask yourself the above question before sending it. Hope this helps.

[codaaurora]

V, Don't forget what I told you before and we'll finish that test so that you can feel alittle bit more decisive.

 

Keefy, Hon, I already told you this I know, but just remember...you wouldn't expect anything back from a friend and right now that's all you are. I know you hate to hear that or feel like that after being with her, but it's all she's prepared to give you right now. Revel in that. She's hasn't totally gotten rid of you. You are still a part of her life. This gives you the chance to show her that you can be all the Keefy you can be and the type of man that she will miss.

 

Blue, Just keep up the no contact. Stop being so readily available for her. The more this happens, the more "mysterious" you become to her. The more available you are, the more you jump to help her, the less respect she has for you. I know this sounds really weird but it's human psychology. You need to show her that you can live without her and have a life w/o her. This will show you to be strong and independent and there is something wonderful in that, for yourself and for your future relationships.

[codaaurora]

As for me, my weekend went ok I guess. The ex called on Saturday and I ignored the call and he didn't leave a message on my cell phone, a few seconds later someone called the house phone and of course I didn't answer that either. Sunday he called again and this time I was cleaning and didn't catch that it was him and I answered.

 

He had a little bit of an attitude which I found weird as we had ended on thursday (or was it wed., I can't remember) on a fairly good note. Not great, but still not bad either. So here he is Sunday with an attitude AND asking me for another favor. We both had started doing Real Estate about a year ago (when still together) however this was something that he wanted to do and asked me to do it with him. Well, Sunday he asked if for the next six months (I don't know why, but lately every time he talks to me he keeps bringing up the "next six months", that's weird cause that's how long he wanted to "take a break" for before we actually "broke up", then again, maybe he and this girl are getting married in six months LOL, but I doubt that cause he would tell him Mom), anyway, he says that I know him better than anyone and what his strengths and faults are and whether he can call me to ask for help/advice in the Real Estate without me feeling used (which is something I said to him during our original argument earlier this week but with good reason). I kind of laughed and said I guess so as long as he understands that I won't always be able to help him and sometimes not right when he asks and that he can't get mad at that. He asks, kind of snidely, "Can I get that in writing?" and he was serious! I laughed and said, "Whatever K, I promise to help you when I can as long as you promise to not get mad when I can't". He had me on speaker and he started saying something loudly and there were curse words and so I cut him off and said "First off I can't understand you and second you can stop talking to me like that". He stopped. That was done, then he said, with a really bad attitude, "Well, I am going to be in your area in a couple of hours but I guess I wont' come over because I didn't call your Friday and ask permission first and I'm not giving you four hours notice." I was like "HUH?". He got very upset then and I was like "K, I never said that....I said that I would appreciate 4 hours notice and that if you couldn't and called at the last moment, that I would appreciate you not getting mad when/if I said no". He got beligerant and said that that's not what was discussed. I was like OMG!!!

 

I eventually got it resolved (he had hung up on me) so I called him and left this hilarious message that I know made him feel like the rear end of a donkey and he called me back and we had a really good conversation. But it was weird that he had all this time to call when he ALWAYS spends the weekends with his girlfriend. However, his mom told me that he and his gf had a fight this past week so who knows.

 

Anyway, some very dear friends from here seem to think that I need to see this as him still being VERY much involved in my life and not willing to let it completely go yet. I know that he goes to my profile on Myspace often, he went on the 13th and again early this morning (around 2am). I'm thinking that they might be right, but it's hard to think that this is what it is when he has such an attitude about it. I'm getting to the point now, that I am caring less and less if he is mad for whatever reason and am taking more control over an attitude of "That's your problem man."

 

What is your take on it? Does this sound like a man who is just trying to stay in my life anyway he can without admitting it? Maybe even being angry with himself? I know that he is still angry with me for what happened at the beginning of our break. He still says stuff like "Well, you broke up with me to go out with so and so" even though he knows that's not true.

 

What is your take on it?

[codaaurora]

OKAY Really need you guys help. He sent me an email. I was right, he is checking my profile on Myspace. Here is part of what he sent me...

 

"Btw- can you please stop posting what I say

> on your myspace bullertin board. One reason is, cause you're quoting me out

> of context and making my humor sound like a dead on comment and two, you're

> doing the number one thing that I've asked you not to do. Otherwise.....

> I'm starting to watching what I say to you, cause I don't trust you and

> will be thinking that everthing i say is being used against me and til you

> act differently this is my stance."

 

I was going to respond with this but want your opinion first before I send it....

 

"On the other note, I could say alot about that, but I won't. I'll make you a deal, I'll stop posting stuff that you say and stick to my feelings and thoughts if you stop making assumptions about what I'm doing in my life okay? If you wonder about something ask me, I'll tell you the truth."

 

HELP!!! I don't like this. I want to make the email upbeat and happy like I could care less what the hell he wants but will also respect his wishes. Help me out here guys, what would YOU want to hear?

[codaaurora]

OH and also, I was thinking of putting something like this in too....

 

"Oh, and since you don't trust me, does this mean that you also don't trust what I say about the Real Estate?

 

I don't know, help me out here guys.

[codaaurora]

You know what? I just reread my post in Myspace and no where in there did I quote him and use anything he said or take anything out of context...

 

It's the same post I put up here link removed

 

The title was: How can he do this?

 

Read it and see if I'm right. The only thing I can think of is that he told me Sunday that he was just joking about the car thing and I said "No you really weren't, I know when your joking and you weren't" and when he argued with me about it I said, "Ok fine, if you were joking, it was in poor taste and not only did it hurt me, it made me really mad at you and you knew it at the time, so you had a chance to say that you were joking, instead you just said that you didn't understand why I would be upset but that you respected my wishes, that says that you weren't joking". He kept trying to argue that and I hung up.

 

So, with this information, help me write up a really good email. One that will show my independance of him. I don't care if he thinks I'm running my mouth about him behind his back or not. Everyone has to have an outlet and you know what? He told numerous girls about our sex life which is humiliating to me.

[vhshowdown]

V, Don't forget what I told you before and we'll finish that test so that you can feel alittle bit more decisive.

 

Ya sorry we didnt finish yesterday, we got to B'ham, did the unloading ate, got back on the road, and I was beat, so I slept a good part of the way back....

 

I hope all made it thru the weekend OK!! I stayed busy so it kept my mind somewhat pre-occupied from my EX. We still havent talked, which is cool. NC is what I need right now.... and think POSITIVE about our EXes, no more expecting they should treat us a certain way... no more gripes!!

 

Saturday nite, my friend asked me about the EX situaiton, and totally caught me offguard, I was not expecting to talk about my EX to her. I tried to keep this portion of the convo upbeat, not put my EX down, etc... Just I have to make some decisions, and she wants to make sure I do NOT "settle" just to be married!!

 

coda, first of all, it is not wise to post where he can read it, if you are gonna talk about him. This is just like talking about someone behind their back, and then they find out about it... Of course they are gonna get mad!!

 

You are getting into a war of words with him right now. I advice not to. Until things can cool down, and be able to have a civil conversation, I would stay clear of him for awhile coda!! He does have feelings for you still, he is going thru the vast array of emotions right now as you are, so give him a little space, let him sort out things, but do not get into the fighting with him right now, IT IS NOT HEALTHY!!

 

keefy, do not send anymore texts right now!! Chai, that is good advice. Blue, you doing alright??

 

Today's quotes:

"Your happiness doesn't depend on whether or not other people come through. Don't let others determine your ultimate fate, even if you are unsure of your feelings. Be honest about the way you feel and what you really want. The longer you keep trying to fool those around you, the harder it will be to go in the direction best for you. Stop fearing other people's reactions.

If you discover that needs are not being met, desires are not being fulfilled or understood by those you love your first set of responses are usually instinctual and built on past experiences. Today those past experiences won't solve the problem. They will, however, reveal areas that need to be healed or resolved or released. Examine worries, doubts and fears and if you find them attached to past conditions let them go."

[codaaurora]

Okay V, but I have to respond to his email. It would be wrong of me not to, if I don't, he'll think that i'm ignoring him on purpose.

 

So what should I write? Give me an idea, any idea.

 

What about this?

 

Hey, glad you liked the picture, hope it made you laugh.

 

I'm sorry that I did not place that blog in my private journal, that was my original intention. That day was a bad one for me and I just typed and posted, forgetting to put it in private mode. I've since removed the blog. I can't help you with not trusting me K and I'm sorry that you don't. I think you know that I wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt you. Have a good day.

[vhshowdown]

ya i think that is fine, straight to the point, and not looking for an answer. dont assume you will get an answer, and, as per my previous todays quotes, Your happiness doesn't depend on whether or not other people come through. Don't let others determine your ultimate fate, even if you are unsure of your feelings.... I think this is todays feeling we all need to work on!!

 

Like I started last week, NO MORE GRIPES!! I dont mean we need to start expecting the worst (which I have been good at) but we need to accept the limitations that have us bound to an extent... Thus, if we can live with ourselves, and live with our EXes actions, or non-reactions, just think how better off we will be in the long run!!!

[codaaurora]

Ok, I sent it exactly as you saw it. I hope that works. But you know what though Greg? I'm kinda pee-od off at him right now cause I KNOW he has been saying things about me behind my back and thinking that they wouldn't get back to me. They did. Atleast mine was out there and in the open and there was nothing derogotary in them about him you know? But things have gotten back to me (and a few that I've seen for myself - in a post that he left open on his computer when we were still living together) that really hurt me and made me mad. When I brought it to his attention he didn't seem to think it should be any big deal when it was (his version) of the truth, shouldn't it be that way for me too?

 

This is one of the things that alwasy bothered me about him. That I couldn't really talk out my problems or issues with other people because that was talking about him behind his back, but if I tried to talk to him about my issues, it never got anywhere or it turned into a fight. I'm wondering what I can do about this for the future. I mean, what if we did get back together? I don't want to go back to that behaviour, I want to be able to express myself to other people to get opinions beyond my experience, knowledge or understanding. But he hates that. I think that is why he and his gf are having problems right now because he learned that she's been talking about their relationship and it's getting around (I've even heard some stuff).

 

This is going to be a hard one.

[codaaurora]

Like I started last week, NO MORE GRIPES!!

 

But in the spirit of this....

 

He has good teeth and makes me laugh.

 

 

[vhshowdown]

Like I started last week, NO MORE GRIPES!!

 

But in the spirit of this....

 

He has good teeth and makes me laugh.

 

 

 

THAT IS FUNNY CODA!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHA

 

Well we need to start thinking this, cause if we dont then it would just seem we want our EXes back cause we are lonely, or whatever. Lets say we do get them back, are we still gonna be griping then?? I should hope not. That is why I am gonna make a list of her negatives (or what I dont like) and her positives (what I do like about her). If the negatives out weigh, then Houston, I have a problem!!!

 

Instead of seeing all their virtues we may see only their flaws: likewise, with any relationship, in place of its assets we cant find merely its deficits. To a certain extent this jaundiced view of life is purely a projection of our emotions and thoughts - we might see the glass half-empty, not half full - but if we have been considering a radical make-over of any part of our life, this is the time to do it.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I kept myself busy most of the weekend, so I didn't have to think about the ex. Supposedly she called, and texted me a bunch of times, I didn't get them.

 

I talked to her last night, and everything was going well until she made a comment about the new guy (which she seems to be doing more). We were talking about her b-day, and she said she got some sexy short skirts. I said that I didn't like that. She said I liked it when I bought her one. I said I liked showing her off when I was with her. Then she makes the comment, well (insert A-Holes name here) likes to show me off too! That hurt, and made me mad. From then on, the conversation went down hill. I asked her about where we stand (i asked her 3 weeks ago, and she said she had to think about it). She got all upset again, saying that she hates it that we always have to talk about this, says thats all we talk about (it had been 3 weeks since we talked about it). She said she hadn't had time to think about it, and she doesn't know. Any thoughts on what that means? I told her she shouldn't have to think about it. I told her that I can't go on not knowing what I am to her, or where we stand. If she only wants to be friends, then she has to let me know, cuz its not fair.

 

I'm sad, I just read an email from her from 2 months after we broke up, about how much she loves me .

[codaaurora]

Blue,

 

She is very confused right now. Let me tell you a little something.

 

When K and I first broke up, it wasn't because I didnt' love him or want to be with him anymore. I did, very much, but we had gotten to a point in our relationship where it had become stagnant and we weren't moving forward.

 

During that time, he did everything he could to be with me, essentially he chased me. He was nice or mean depending on the mood he was in presently. Either way, it didn't get him what he wanted. I was so busy being upset with him for not giving me the space I wanted or at the very least the answer that I wanted, that it drove me away from him at that time. Later, after he stopped, I was able to see that he was what I wanted, no matter what, the things that I had done wrong in the relationship and what I could do to improve myself. Unfortunately, by then it was too late to immediately reconcile. I don't give up hope for the future, but still......Do you see my point?

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I do know what you are saying. She left me for pretty well the same reasons, but she left with someone else. She has been seeing this other guy since we broke up in june of last year. I did the same things, I begged, pleaded, cried ( I haven't cried over anything in many years), then things got bad, and I started calling her names, making her feel bad, texting her constantly, calling back to back continusly. I know I should have given her the time she needed, but I didn't know that, all I could think of was loosing her, and getting her back.

 

It really seems like she is starting to really fall for this guy. I guess its good to know that she is still confused, even tho she has been seeing this guy for almost a year now.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

You know, you never know what the future holds Blue and nothing is over until the day you die.

 

What you need to do right now is focus on yourself. Join a club, group, go to book/poetry readings, do whatever you find interest in that means meeting other people. I know you don't feel like it, but you NEED to. For you and for any future you would like to have with her.

 

Look, she is still calling you and texting you and then getting upset when you don't respond right away. If I didn't care for someone on a level other than friendship, I wouldn't be so frantic about it. I wouldn't even bring it up unless I was picking on them.

 

But she is going to eventually stop doing that when she realizes that you haven't grown at all in your time apart. That you are the same person with the same insecurities. You two broke up for a reason, perhaps not that you weren't meant to be together, but that something happened that caused one or both of you to stop growing. Will a fire continue to burn without fuel or oxygen? No, it won't. So why expect her love to continue to burn or even to re-ignite?

 

Become the BLUE that you should have been becoming, keep growing and learning and spreading your wings. Realize your desires, don't let life or circumstances steal them from you. As soon as you can do this, as soon as you can be happy with yourself, others will see it too.

[codaaurora]

I hope everyone here can stay strong. I dont know. Right now I just wish feeling this way would go bye bye.

 

Keefy, hon, we all go through this period, some quicker than others, some more frequently than others, some harder than others. What you need to remember is that you were fine yesterday. But then you had all day today to chew this bone and suck all the marrow out of it and then crunch on the bits left over and go snarling around looking for more. You are THINKING about it too much. You are putting to much into it. I know what you are doing Keefy. You sent her an email last night, a stand offish, non commital one that you were hoping was going to reel her in or atleast have her calling or texting. You are putting to much expectations on things and you need to stop it!!! You know what? That is one thing that I have mastered. I do NOT expect to hear from him. I do NOT expect to get an email. If I never do again, it will eventually hit me, like months down the road, but by then I will have moved on enough that it won't be so devastating. BUT more likely than not, I DO hear from him or he does call/email. And THAT is a pleasant surprise.

 

Please hon, just stay calm and start focusing on being the best you you can be. Study for your tests, Ace the heck out of those things. Watch a favorite movie. Hang out with friends. Go to the beach and read a book. Whatever you need to do but stop expecting things from her. The moment you truly do this, and in your heart believe it, watch and see what happens.

[vhshowdown]

Alright guys. We need to listen to ourselves here!! We all have to give each other a swift kick in the AXX!! I mean it. I am not saying this to be mean, but we are pathetic!! LOL Do our EXes want someone who is pathetic?? Is this who we were when we got with them the first time?? NO I think we all have become friends enough to where a friend can tell you this!! We talk to our EXes or see them or whatever, and get disappointed in them. OK, fine, then we QUIT TALKING TO THEM FOR AWHILE if we cant accept what they are doing with their lives. It wont be the end of the world!! They were able to move on from US, to an extent. But they are NOT completely happy with out us, right, that is why they keep trying to stay in our lives!!

 

Last week I was the one griping BIGTIME!! I learned from you guys, and my own thoughts, this is getting me NO WHERE!! Well, now I am here to tell all of you, you are getting NO WHERE!! Concentrate on their good sides ONLY!! If something doesnt go our way, WE ADAPT!! Instead of getting frustrated, you try every option until one works.

 

Be bigger than whomever they are with!! That will WIN them back!! Concentrate on ourselves ALSO!! I have been working out very hard the past 2 months, and I am getting back to being in the best shape I have been in for a couple years. So, I am getting stronger physically, which is making me stronger mentally! Sure I have setbacks, but I need my confidence back, the rest will fall into place!! I may not want my EX back soon. LOL

 

Blue, dude, its ok if you talk with your EX. I recommend that you dont right now, because it is only hurting you!! You need to STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT GETTING BACK WITH HER!! She does NOT want to hear this from you. When you talk, it is sounding like a broken record to her. OK. Like coda says, and I am saying, and keefy has said, it is very hard (trust me I know, been there done that) but if you are going to talk to her, then you cant let her know this stuff is getting to you for one, and you cant keep telling her you want her back. If you cant control yourself to do this, then DONT TALK TO HER! Forcing someone doesnt work, it never will!! My ex is seeing someone else, but she kept calling me, wanting to see me, etc... Now if she thinks she is gonna be able to stop and be completely happy with him, you know what, more power to her, cause its a JOKE!! Please, Blue, stop talking to her for a week or two, you will start feeling better about yourself, trust me....

 

keefy, dude, you got a good email from her. That is worth something, it really is. But, you told me last week, you have to crawl before you take baby steps, etc... Ok, she may be back with her EX, well that does suck! It does, but if they are wishy-washy like this, then dude get yourself ready and prepared, and strong cause your time is coming....

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr