Change of plans won't see how things are until January!

[limichelle]

So the guy I have been talking too since October 13, 2015 we only met twice in July for a total of four hours. We decided that isn't enough time to tell if we are compatible for a long term relationship. I'm seeing him in January for four days and then we will decide if we want to become boyfriend and girlfriend and work at it long term and make it work long distance for a year or two. If we became a couple an official couple we would see eachother for four days once every other month. So in January I see him for four days and then March for four days and May for four days...and so on..for at least a year or two before we decide if we want to take it to the next level.

 

I feel like this relationship everything is being done backwards. It is the most confusing relationship I have ever been in! I wasn't expecting to talk to somebody from a different state on online dating site, I wanted somebody locally and this really great guy contacts me from another state!

 

This is all new for him too, all of his girlfriends have been local.

 

It makes sense that we would just consider ourselves exclusively talking to one another but nothing more until we saw how we meshed in January. I'll be alone with him for four days so I'll get to see what it's like and if we get along okay.

 

The worst that could happen is in January he or I decide we should just be friends which I will admit will crush me because I have fallen for him through skype our two meetings.

 

He says I need more faith and to just go with the flow.

 

I think he is right.

 

I am way overthinking this!

 

I need to go in with expectations I will have a fun time.

 

I will be staying with him at his and his parents house in the guest bedroom so I'll get to see what its like overnight and to be in their home and around them all the time.

 

I told him no hard feelings if we decide we end up as friends and he agreed.

 

It just feels odd since we have been talking a little over a year now. In a regular day to day relationship we would have progressed so much further by now. Instead we are back to square one!

 

I can see you don't get to chose who you fall for. I wanted somebody local and he happened to come along and has been nothing but amazing.

 

It just seems weird to be in love with each other and not know if we will be in a relationship. Doesn't that come further along into a relationship?

 

He thinks we will be fine in January because we are already in love.

I really do love him a lot and care about him. I know that sounds crazy but we have this connection and intense bond. I can read him well and he can pick up on me even though we are a distance apart.

 

We connected in July really well! I know it was just four hours but we picked up on the basics; chemistry and the spark. I also had a feeling of comfort and ease and a sense of warmth around him.

 

We even kissed in July so we are compatible there.

 

I guess I will keep you all updated in January how it turns out LOL

 

I'll come back single or in a long term serious relationship.

 

I hate not being in control of what's to come.

 

Any suggestions how I should go with the flow and not overthink?

 

Thanks,

Lisa

 

Lisa

[abitbroken]

If you guys have not met up at any time except July and only for four hours , I would not pursue any kind of relationship with him.

 

Your lives just don't cross paths at all. Its not like your lives cross - you already see eachother once a month and you make a decision to be gf/bf

 

I would make an effort to meet someone locally.

 

If this guy was really smitten with you, he would have moved heaven and earth to see you for more than four hours.

[abitbroken]

I can see you don't get to chose who you fall for. I wanted somebody local and he happened to come along and has been nothing but amazing.

 

Yes you do. You can't choose who you find attractive, but you can choose who you don't just glance at from across the room or have a crush on - your head comes into play before you allow yourself to fully fall for someone. You might see someone you think is hot or have an engaging conversation online, but that's where your head should start to talk. You could be fully attracted to this guy, but your relationship is only amazing because you never see him at his worst - you are not part of his life. He shows you only him at his best. You can fantasize and make him whatever you want.

 

If you choose to see him - don't stay at his house. You only saw this guy for four hours.

[limichelle]

If you guys have not met up at any time except July and only for four hours , I would not pursue any kind of relationship with him.

 

Your lives just don't cross paths at all. Its not like your lives cross - you already see eachother once a month and you make a decision to be gf/bf

 

I would make an effort to meet someone locally.

 

If this guy was really smitten with you, he would have moved heaven and earth to see you for more than four hours.

 

I see your concern and I think you may have misinterpreted some of it. He lives with his parents and my parents and him and I all met twice in July because he was headed this way anyway for a horseback riding excursion he planned in advance. He is extremely busy with being promoted at work and his schedule gets booked up. Its not that he doesn't want to see me it's he lives six hour drive away and can't afford to come see me every weekend and I can't do that for him either.

 

We are deciding if we end up in a relationship in January that we will see eachother once every other month for a week at a time. That's more then some long distance relationships and that's the best both of us can do.

 

Our paths are in alignment and he can't help the distance right now. Right now he takes care of his parents since they are much older and need his care. It will be safe staying at his house and same when he stays here.

 

I appreciate the concern. I just want you to know I'm not being naïve about any of this and yes I can find somebody locally but what I meant was we don't always chose who comes into our lives but we can chose to decide if they are right for us. I have actually seen him at his worse and he has seen me at mine for the year we have been skyping. He has seen me sick, after I was doped up on anesthesia for surgery, when I have been severely depressed. We have had our arguments.

 

In person it will be different seeing how our personalities collide instead of over a computer screen.

 

I have faith we can make this work. It's just being sensible at the same time and not jumping into a relationship until January when we spend a lot of time together, then proceed from there.

 

Thank you for your concern and response

[Snny]

I'm seeing him in January for four days and then we will decide if we want to become boyfriend and girlfriend...

...

I feel like this relationship everything is being done backwards. It is the most confusing relationship I have ever been in!

I see a contradiction here. So you guys AREN'T dating, yet you already see yourself in a relationship with this person whom you barely know? I'm really confused here as well.

 

The worst that could happen is in January he or I decide we should just be friends which I will admit will crush me because I have fallen for him through skype our two meetings.

Wait a minute. So your plan is to hold yourself off from meeting any people for half a year... just to see if this guy- whom you've only known for 8 HOURS - is interested in you?

 

IMHO this doesn't seem like a good plan at all- especially with someone you've known for less than a day. Yoi shouldn't be putting all your eggs in one basket just to see if there is anything salvageable with this person. Seriously, don't waste your time with this one and hold off from meeting other people. And if he has hooked up with girls in his hometown previously, who's to say he isn't while talking to you? You barely know him and shouldn't be so trusting with an essential stranger.

 

Be smart with this one.

[boltnrun]

Plus, you've already decided you're "in love".

 

Not sure if this makes sense tbh. But I guess you'll know more in 3 months.

[abitbroken]

I see your concern and I think you may have misinterpreted some of it. He lives with his parents and my parents and him and I all met twice in July because he was headed this way anyway for a horseback riding excursion he planned in advance. He is extremely busy with being promoted at work and his schedule gets booked up. Its not that he doesn't want to see me it's he lives six hour drive away and can't afford to come see me every weekend and I can't do that for him either.

 

We are deciding if we end up in a relationship in January that we will see eachother once every other month for a week at a time. That's more then some long distance relationships and that's the best both of us can do.

 

Our paths are in alignment and he can't help the distance right now. Right now he takes care of his parents since they are much older and need his care. It will be safe staying at his house and same when he stays here.

 

I appreciate the concern. I just want you to know I'm not being naïve about any of this and yes I can find somebody locally but what I meant was we don't always chose who comes into our lives but we can chose to decide if they are right for us. I have actually seen him at his worse and he has seen me at mine for the year we have been skyping. He has seen me sick, after I was doped up on anesthesia for surgery, when I have been severely depressed. We have had our arguments.

 

In person it will be different seeing how our personalities collide instead of over a computer screen.

 

I have faith we can make this work. It's just being sensible at the same time and not jumping into a relationship until January when we spend a lot of time together, then proceed from there.

 

Thank you for your concern and response

 

No, I absolutely understand completely. So - if you see eachother in January, what is going to be different after you decide to be in a relationship versus how things are now. You will see eachother twice a year and be good with that?

Does it mean that after you decide to be in a relationship, you will see eachother once a month? That you will both make an effort to arrange your schedules so you have face to face time one weekend per month or a few times per month, whether that means requesting a schedule where you have two Saturdays or Fridays off a month so that you can do so?

 

I get the feeling that the two of you are in high school or college age. You should be going on proper dates (no sex, just movies, meeting for pizza, meeting for bike rides) with a number of guys even as "friends first" in order to learn about what you like and how to navigate meeting people and to establish your own personal boundaries rather than being in a relationship with someone you can't see.

 

You can't be in a relationship if you can't be in a relationship. There are people who want to be in relationships but don't because they just can never see eachother.

 

If you decide to be a couple in January, do either of you have plans already that you will be in one another's towns (is he or you planning a job or school transfer?)

 

I know you think I am old and don't know anything - but I have been in a long distance relationship before and can tell you first hand that unless there is some sort of end game, you can be "in love" with a guy who you only see once a year for years until he meets a young woman who sweeps him off his feet who lives locally and he drops you, or you will make a huge effort to be in the same town and he is not at all like you thought he was. People are very different when you only see them in the presence of their parents or when you don't see them in normal context.

 

So please be smart. Don't close your options and be realistic.

[reinventmyself]

 

- but I have been in a long distance relationship before and can tell you first hand that unless there is some sort of end game, you can be "in love" with a guy who you only see once a year .

.

 

I too have done the long distance thing more than once.

But under 2 hours away and as much as I would try to squash that little voice, in the end this was the defining moment.

 

What exactly is the end game? Cover that now and don't play the `let have fun, get to know each other and let the rest work itself out' game.

 

You invest your time and your heart in something where the distance itself is the impasse and there isn't a compromise in the end after all.

 

Best to know that going in. . not in a couple years from now.

[boltnrun]

One of my coworkers was in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for four years. They are still together.

 

The kicker? They actually KNEW each other BEFORE going long distance. They'd been together a couple of years before she accepted an athletic scholarship on the other side of the country. They had a strong foundation and were able to carry through based on that foundation.

 

They hadn't seen each other for only a total of four hours, declared themselves "in love" and then decided to decide if they should be in a relationship.

 

I should also add, she was 19 when they went long distance, and he was a few years older. So their age wasn't necessarily a negative factor, but their maturity level and their grasp on reality led them through the distance.

 

I just can't understand how one can be "in love" with someone they've seen only once for four hours. I also can't understand how one can be "in love" with words on a screen, a voice on a phone, or a pixelated image on a computer monitor. You can't possibly know someone based on that kind of interaction...not really know them, how they react to stress and pressure, what expectations they have of a partner, etc. Heck, it's hard to know that when you've known someone in person let alone only four hours plus some electronic communication.

 

I know you probably think we don't understand, and believe that your situation is real. I guess time will tell. I do hope you end up happy.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

Sorry I haven't been on in awhile...health issues. yuk! No we are both actually in our thirties he is 38 and I'm 34. Just late bloomers in life I guess! This relationship is different. As I have been in a relationship prior to him for a decade where the guy lived fifteen minutes away and I saw him all the time.

 

Our plans are confusing I admit. I have even asked him "Why say you are in love with me and wait until January to be in a committed relationship?" His rational is that he considers us committed and exclusive and that we will begin our dating in person relationship from January on out. Where I will see him for four days in January he decided to come here and then I will see him again in March Then May then July....just every other month until he decides if he is going to move here for a job or I go there. He wants to not be in long distance forever just a year or a little more then that just to give us time to see how we do in person each time we are together.

 

I know long distance isn't ideal. I'm praying he moves here within the next six months for a job. He has it easy where he is at, he has been with the same company for 11 years and is getting promoted, just to him he says doesn't make a large enough salary so he is getting frustrated there. He still lives at home rent free but pays his phone, car, and credit card bills and health insurance. He is really starting to not like the state he lives in and wants to move here.

 

It's just what irritates me to be honest and I don't know how this will pan out?

 

Is that he does everything with his parents! He is so tight knit with them that they go horse back riding together, they go to every function together, they go on every vacation together, they travel together. They still treat him like he is 16 when it comes to dating.

 

Its basically he lives under their roof so their rules. Plus he has to make sure every single thing is okay with them! Which gets rather annoying. Of course he has a horrible track record of crappy ex girlfriends that tried to take advantage of he and his parents for their money.

So I can understand them because I'm still a perfect stranger to him and his family.

 

I don't know how this will all play out to be honest. I just know that if it's meant to be then it will be if not then him and I will continue to be friends and go our separate ways.

 

We do have a plan for long distance which is very positive.

 

Thank you all for your concern.

 

Lisa

[abitbroken]

Is that he does everything with his parents! He is so tight knit with them that they go horse back riding together, they go to every function together, they go on every vacation together, they travel together. They still treat him like he is 16 when it comes to dating.

 

Its basically he lives under their roof so their rules. Plus he has to make sure every single thing is okay with them! Which gets rather annoying. Of course he has a horrible track record of crappy ex girlfriends that tried to take advantage of he and his parents for their money.

So I can understand them because I'm still a perfect stranger to him and his family.

 

No, they don't treat him like he is 16 - he acts like he is.

 

based on your post, I thought you guys were 14-17. Maybe at the LATEST college aged if you were very traditional for from a culture that views dating very restrictively. You are a grown woman. If a grown man has not moved heaven and Earth to see you - whether that means he visits your town, you meet halfway, etc, multiple times by now, this is not worth pursuing.

 

He is keeping you at arm's length. And he has only seen you in the presence of his parents!!!!

 

My guy was very tight knit with his family, though he went on trips with guy friends (activity based trips where a bunch of guys went boating, four wheeling, whatever). At some point he decided that it was time to look for a wife or even just a serious relationship to start with. Once he made that decision, he put himself out there to meet someone and put in the effort to make him accessible to be seen by that woman enough to decide to go forward or not. And he made changes.

 

I don't think he is going to move to your town. I think he is going to do what's "safe" and stay with the same company, live with his parents, etc. and unless you make a move to his town (which he might bail on you at that point), nothing is going to move forward. He is going to react to what occurs around him and not make any moves himself.

 

I honestly would want to meet a guy who wants to meet me, wants to spend time with me, etc. That is the very basic, ground level of a relationship and you see where it goes from there. I would not be "exclusive" with a guy I have seen only once or twice.

 

I highly suggest that you go speed dating with a girlfriend, that you join some meetup groups and you surround yourself with the possibility of meeting a lot of different guys. This way you can see what else is out there because he only looks great because he is your only option and is communicating with you when he can sneak a call or email when his folks aren't looking.

[limichelle]

abitbroken-You don't know the extenuating circumstances on why this is the way it is. I know what's going on and it may seem "odd" to you. So let's just agree to disagree.

 

 

Lisa