Just Married and Wife has No Sex Drive....

[DN]

I am afrid I canoot agree with Ilse. The way you have described what is happening, I think it is highly unlikely it will be resolved without help. The longer you leave it the worse it will get and you will have more difficulty extricating yourself from the marriage.

[Sn0man]

I think both DN and Ilse are bringing up some very valid points here. Sex is a very big part of a marriage, of course. But being that you have only been married for 5 days, your new wife may just be trying to adjust to a new lifestyle. Sometimes this can be quite stressful, and I don't know about everybody, but I don't particularly feel 'randy' when i'm stressed out. I think that you should wait it out a little bit, try to relax, and enjoy your honeymoon. If it goes poorly, or things don't start to change in a reasonable amount of time, then it's time to do some serious communicating, therapy, counselling, or at the worst, an annullment.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[tinkerbell_79]

I find it sort of strange that she would say that she wanted to save it until marriage but yet was willing to have it once a month. Isn't it more or less all or nothing, in regards to sex? Either you save it or you don't. There are probably cases where someone wanted to wait but had a night of weakness. If it actually occurred somewhat regularly (infrequently) that sounds more like she was avoiding it for some other reason.

 

I can't speak to what that reason might be but it doesn't sound good.

 

Sex isn't the end-all but even I, who consider myself to not have the strongest sex drive in the world, when feeling safe and comfortable, can be coerced into feeling sexy.

 

The other big question is, how often do you ask her about it? If she simply has a lower sex drive and you are wanting it every day or just a lot more often she might be feeling stressed about the pressure; which could turn the whole experience off for her.

[Softmoonlight]

I personally know women who think once they marry a man the issue of sex is no longer an issue...they just don't offer it anymore because they feel like it's a chore. Hopefully that isn't the case for you.

 

Talk to her about why you want to have sex with her. You don't see her as a sex object, you love her and want to be intimate with her. Most women don't understand how important sexual intimacy is in a relationship I think. Men feel more loving to a woman they have sex with on a regular basis.

 

in any case, you should be doing it like rabbits since you are newlyweds...talk to her about it and make sure to tell her if you were doing it before, you didn't think things would change when you said "I do" or you would have said, "i don't!" instead!

[DN]

I agree with softmoonlight. But I also think that she whatever her problem is will never be solved unless she is willing to address it. And from the sound of it, she will not.

 

It is all very well to say once a week is OK, or that she may have problems. But it seems to me that she knew she had these issues before the wedding and chose to make an excuse about wanting to wait until they were married. Now, having achieved the marriage, she dismisses your concerns by saying she doesn't understand why is matters to you so much. That is deceitful and is tantamount to marrying you under false pretenses.

 

This problem will not go away on it's own. You will become increasingly frustrated and resentful and the marriage will either fail eventually or become a burden to you. I am all for trying to save a relationship but in this case I urge you to insist that the problem is resolved or leave the marriage. Frankly, I doubt her love for you if she will not address these concerns.

[carey12]

Now let me get this straight, you were married for five days and only had sex one time? I don't think I have ever heard of that before. You need to try and work things out with your wife and if she is not willing to make a change you only have one other option (leave). If not the next thing you will do is to find someone to fill that void. I'm not saying you would cheat on her, but alot of men and women would. Men and women should never deny themselves sex, it is wonderful between two people who care & love each other. Or if you just have a need!!!

 

Good Luck

[arwen]

Well, if there are mental issues that she is dealing with, I really wouldn't judge that this sharply, DN. In a worst case scenario there can be a past of abuse or even incest- you don't know that (and neither do I, but I don't think you can make statements about her love for him based on this partial information).

 

Anyway, you guys got married after only one year, which is pretty much in a stage where people in general have few issues in the relationship. So if it is the case that something happened in the past, that she didn't find the strength for to tell you yet, it might be that you got married too soon. Too soon to be able to share these things- her not wanting to have sex more than once a month with the excuse of saving it for marriage might have already given you a clue that something was not right there, however I understand that you wouldn't think much more about it if everything else was ok.

 

I agree with DN that unless you take this very seriously with her and require her to address this in some form of therapy (even if that would mean therapy on her own first) if things don't get better soon.

 

I hope you won't have to read all these things, if I am right you are still on your honeymoon, so let's just hope for a better outcome for the two of you!

 

 

 

Ilse.

[DN]

The point I am trying to make is that whatever her problem(s) are she is unwilling to deal with them and is putting the issue over to him by saying that she doesn't understand why sex is such a big deal. She must know that what she is doing is abnormal, and if she didn't before she has been told.

 

But she will not even acknowledge that there is a problem and that he has a legitimate concern. And that is the crux of the matter.

 

If she knows there is a problem and she knows that her partner is suffering because of it; and yet refuses do do anything about it or even acknowledge his concern, then it is not unreasonable to question why she would marry him and if she really loves him.

 

If she would try to get help then I would be among the first to say that, if he truly loves her, then he should put up with a lack of sex or do whatever it take to help her, until the problem is solved. Butif she will not, then the chances are that the marriage will eventually collapse.

[OmegaQuest]

Well, not much has changed. She now says that it hurts. Is there anything I can do to make it not hurt as much? I have told her that if we have sex more often, it will get better in time. I have tried everything from going slow, to lotion... Nothing seems to help. I have even tried to compromise with her and tell her that 3 times a week would be good for me, and she could pick the times and days... but she didn't like that idea. I don't know what to do. I know I Love Her and I am not willing to get a divorce.

 

Thanks for all your help.

 

Also are any of you professionals or just surfers?

 

](*,)

[Sn0man]

So the problem is medical...so she says. If that's the case, tell her to get to the doctor to find out what the problem is...and get it resolved. The sooner you do this the better...I just hope for your sake she's willing to get help for it or you're stuck.

 

As for us being professionals...some of us are. But you will find that the people who post here come from all walks of life: Students, working professionals, surfers, people looking for help and advice, you name it...they're all here.

 

T/C

[whatfor]

IMHO its not only sex, its also making LOVE, and if she was willing to make love to you, someone she loves, she would go to a doctor and try to fix her problems, or she would try it with you no matter what till it feels right, or she would be willing to fix this problem either way.

It sounds like she is just not interested in sex, maybe she is just frigid?

 

(P.S. i heard a story when a woman had some sex before marrying a guy just cause he wanted sex and it was a way to keep him, but after they got married in a while it turned out she was totaly frigid)

 

P.S. maybe she should go off the pill to increase her sex drive? why is she taking it anyway if she is not into sex?

[TallTom]

She says that it hurts?

 

Well, tell her to just relax her muscles. If she is all tense, then it will hurt. I had devirginated one of my ex-gf's and when i told her to relax for the first 2 times, all the pain was gone. And she was wild in bed...wanting more and more of it.

 

You can feel if her muscles are tight when you slip your fingers into her. Also, try doggy style. it makes it easier...and having her on top. Missionery position is the most difficult for a virgin....a little too tight sometimes.

[RayKay]

If she is coming out now and saying "it hurts" either she has a medical issue which she will WILLINGLY go and get help for if she truly does love you (as sex IS important to a relationship) or she is using it as an excuse, in which case I STILL say you should call her bluff in that case and ask her to go to a doctor.

 

If she refuses to get medical advice concerning that it "hurts" I would seriously reconsider your marriage. Yes there are times where people won't "feel like it" and there are times when there are medical issues, but intimacy is incredibly important to a relationship - now I do not mean just sex when I refer to intimacy, but it IS a bond that lets us share ourselves with our partners....if someone is steadfast against this it would cause me serious doubts about that person. If they did not work to address this problem (either medically or otherwise) not only would I be incredibly hurt, but I would start to doubt their feelings for me and their reasons for being with me.

 

If she refuses to go seek medical care now that it according to her, hurts, I think you need to have a very direct talk to her about why sex is important to you, that you desire her, that sex is part of a healthy relationship and that if she will not seek help you two are going to have to reconsider the relationship. I know some will oppose this advice but I am a firm believer that it takes EQUAL commitment from both partners to make a relationship healthy and fulfilling, when one does not feel they need to put forth any commitment/effort than it will lead to an unhealthy, broken relationship. While some will say "sex is not everything" and I fully agree it is NOT, I would argue intimacy is a very very big part of a relationship, it is what separates us from being "friends" and while intimacy is not just sexual, bringing pleasure to our partners and sharing our bodies is definitely a component of that intimacy.

 

To the poster that asked why she is on the pill if she does not even like sex - there are a lot of women who are on the pill when they are not having sex, as it helps regulate painful or irregular periods and can for some women be used to reduce severe PMS symptoms.

[SlipperySammy]

I didn't read all the replies...but 5 dys is kids quick to judge.

 

You probably have one of two scenerios on your hands.

 

A. She isn't really into sex, and has hangups, and reservation sabout sex and you are in for a lot of frustration

 

B. She is inexperienced and you still have hope of tunring her onto sex. (pressuring her probably isn't the best methode...but I am not sure what the best method is.)

[RayKay]

I didn't read all the replies...but 5 dys is kids quick to judge.

 

You probably have one of two scenerios on your hands.

 

A. She isn't really into sex, and has hangups, and reservation sabout sex and you are in for a lot of frustration

 

B. She is inexperienced and you still have hope of tunring her onto sex. (pressuring her probably isn't the best methode...but I am not sure what the best method is.)

 

Well five days I think was a month ago, poster just reposted a month later and says things have not really changed much since then.

 

I am guessing she "really is not that into it" by further comments from the poster.

[TallTom]

Go with her to see a Sex Therapist!

 

I'm serious.

[OmegaQuest]

Last night when I wanted to make Love, she said she was tired, so I just went to bed and she finished watching TV.

 

When I woke up this morning, there was a note on my dry erase board from her saying:

I Love You so much. I'm sorry Im not perfect!

My reply was:

I Love You so much, but you need to try harder if you want our marriage to last. Making Love to you is Important to me and it should be to you as well.

 

We will see her reply when I get home...

[RayKay]

Last night when I wanted to make Love, she said she was tired, so I just went to bed and she finished watching TV.

 

When I woke up this morning, there was a note on my dry erase board from her saying:

I Love You so much. I'm sorry Im not perfect!

My reply was:

I Love You so much, but you need to try harder if you want our marriage to last. Making Love to you is Important to me and it should be to you as well.

 

We will see her reply when I get home...

 

Interesting that she was too tired for that, but that she could stay up and finish watching TV? That is hurtful and selfish in my opinion.

 

Wanting to make love to your husband should not take perfection on her part....I really think she is brushing off the seriousness of this issue, and I think your note touched on that.

 

This is something you two REALLY need to address NOW together rather than later.

 

Please keep us updated on what she says....I think your note is a good lead in for a discussion about this tonight though.

[Iceman26]

Nice note Omega, I like the way you did that. Hope everything works out ok for you. Keep us posted.

[DN]

I agree with RayKay. Seems to me the hidden message in what she wrote is "if you loved me you would accept me as I am and not worry about the sex". Very passive-aggressive.

 

I think you replied in exactly the right way. No threats as such but a statement of what you need.

 

If you get to talk to her about this I think you would be wise to insist that she see a doctor or psychiatrist, unless she outright says she doesn't like sex and won't make an effort. It is safe to assume there is something wrong, and it is up to her to get help to address it.

[Sn0man]

A very intelligent reply on your part Omegaquest. I agree with RayKay and DN here though. Keep us posted on what happens.

[Norm11]

In reading your post it sent a chill down my spine. I'm 53 years old and have been married for over 30 years and have 4 children. In all these years of marriage I have never had the feeling that my wife was having sex for any other reason than it being a duty. She has never initiated sex and I know that she has never enjoyed it. I know that she loves me in every other way. I believe that you may be on the verge of the same problem that I have. My wife has never been able to articulate her reasons for being this way. I have often asked myself why? Perhaps she is a non-practicing lesbian, I don't know! I know she has strong Christian beliefs, maybe she is unable to face her problems. I truly hope that you are not on the same road as me.

[Darwin17]

I hope I am getting the the right person as I have never done one of the message boards before. Let me tell you my story as it is way too similar to yours. I got married right after High School to my sweetheart. We had mad sex months before we got married, and I loved her deeply. Then we got married (I was 19, she was 18) and after the night we got married the sex stopped. I have no idea why it happened but I have to say that once we got married we only had sex about two to four times a month. This was very hard on 19 year old me and I tried talking to her about it and again it sounds like your story. Our marriage ended after five months, not just because of the sex but it was a huge part that seemed to uncover some problems. Here is my recomendation, if you really want to keep this relashionship alive and don't want to live a life full of resentment......get help, a counselor with credentials, if she is unwilling then for your sanity's sake get out of the marriage. It took me years to recover menatlly as I was deeply in love with my wife, but looking back it was better that we split up. And don't think there is no one else in the world for you as I have found someone dear to me and I love her very much and we have a wonderful relashionship including a very healthy sex life. I hope this helps as it is the only reason I got into this thing.

[DN]

Well posted - but stick around, you may be able to help someone else.

[Badh]

Omega,

 

I have gone through this very situation with my wife and, after talking with her, discovered that there were emotional reasons behind her lack of sex drive.

 

Let me explain...I work second shift, 3:30pm-12am...when I come home from work I am unable to sleep. As a result, I do not go to bed until about 5-6am...I wake up around 2pm to get ready for work.

 

Now, the problem is this. My wife has to take care of almost everything around the house due to my hours. She has to make sure the kids are up for school, feed the dogs and cats in the morning, get ready for work (She works full time), contact the doctor/dentist for check-ups and visits...She pretty much takes care of everything that is required to run a full family household. When she gets home from work, she is a manager of an IT department, she is tired. She then has to cook dinner for herself and the kids, make sure everyone has their homework done, walk the dogs and take care of her own personal needs....

 

My wife, I will call her wonderwoman, was pretty much at the end of her rope. I am ashamed to say it, but I did not even realise this was going on. After months of having sex maybe 2-3 times per month (with no enthusiasm), I asked her what was wrong....Well, as you have read, you already know the answer to what was wrong....

 

So now I make sure to take care of things around the house, like doing a load of laundry each day, calling her from work to ask her if she needs me to do anything the following day...IE...call the school, call the dentist, take the dog to the vet before work ETC...

 

Doing this has GREATLY helped our sexual relationship. My only point is that there may be something in your everyday life that isn't sex related that is keeping you from getting sex. Women, for the most part, are more emotional than us knuckle dragging men....After all, we think mostly in pictures and they think in words...Or so I have heard.

 

I think you really need to seek out help from a trained profesional. If anything, they can help keep your discusions from turning into an argument. When people get angry communication comes to a standstill.

(Oh, and most insurance will cover therapy...There are also some free counseling clinics available...check with your local government or even churches. Had to add that...A newly married family can sometimes be tight on money =)

K, I have babbled on enough..Good luck to you and your wife, I wish the best to you both