tinkerbell_79
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- Birthday 08/31/1979
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How to gain confidence and be different?
tinkerbell_79 replied to waytoodown's topic in Sex and Romance
Thanks everyone for the advice. We managed to get it together the other night, finally. I still feel a bit self conscious about talking dirty but it did help that he can be very patient and was helping me with some prompts to express myself. I guess the point is just to be more expressive in whatever way feels natural. Ironically, I don't have any trouble making sounds. For some reason I feel like it's more just a natural response. Talking dirty seems to be something you have to bring up from within you--from a place of having knowledge of all the various things that will bring you pleasure at any one time. At this point, I just don't always know for sure. I just don't look forward to the "error" part of "trial-and-error" when I take a chance and tell him I want him to do such and such and it turns out that isn't working for me at that moment. It's a confidence thing. I sometimes have trouble seeing the big picture and realizing that it will get better in time. It will, right? We're not doomed to a life of declining sex life just because we didn't start the whole thing out, on each other all the time, like bunnies? I feel like I'm too young to be this much of a grandmother about sex. -
How to gain confidence and be different?
tinkerbell_79 replied to waytoodown's topic in Sex and Romance
What if you just feel weird about verbalizing it? He says he wants me to talk to him during sex. He doesn't specify that I talk dirty, though thats the implication, I suppose. He just says that it looses its sexiness when I don't say anything. Which is frustrating because I seem to have run into a problem with being able to relax and have an orgasm. I may get really freaking close but then loose it for a variety of reasons I've tried to explain. Nothing serious--just loosing focus. And when I am really about as close as I am going to get I feel like my throat closes up and, to start I'm afraid if I start talking to him I'll loose it, and then, eventually it's like I'm so lost in the moment I really can't speak. Can I just say that I'm not a screamer? Or is that not a good excuse? I just don't feel like directing traffic when I'm having sex and everytime he asks, I just envision how rediculous the words (unrehearsed and coming from a place of limited understanding of what will make me happy from moment to moment) are going to sound coming out of my mouth. Sigh. I'm such a freak! And I feel like even now, after all this time, I'm screwing it all up. -
It can be pretty uncomfortable the first time. Breaking of the hymen and stretching of the tissues tends to sting and burn for some girls. Possibly a lot. And like someone said, it's a kind of weird full feeling. Not everyone bleeds (I didn't at all) but some women do. I think gentle is good. And lubricated. If she loves and feels comfortable with you, however, that will more than likely be something you two can work through. And each time gets easier and more pleasurable.
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Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I'm kind of shy about this still for whatever reason. Or I feel like if I say anything at all that it will break the moment for me. Like when you first learn to drive a car and it seems terribly complicated to try and switch the radio dial or talk to someone at the same time. I've thought about it. But it's really never so miserable that I just can't stand it. And the idea of lying to him about that, essentially, makes me kind of sick to my stomach. For some reason I feel like the bedroom is sacred or something. Like when you're naked and the lights are out you should be able to be totally honest at that time. I just kind of feel like I'm not going to get there, sometimes, before holding it off drives him completely crazy. That's really the goal but the whole thing seems to worry him and then it ends up worrying me. Because....well because I'm prone to dramatize things. Anyway, thanks. I appreciate the encouragement.
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Thanks for your help guys. We do that sometimes but usually once he's come I feel kind of bad about making him work and so it's hard for me to actually come. Not that it's not nice. I guess sometimes I'd just rather let him relax and just snuggle. It's such a catch-22 because I feel like the very fact that he cares if I orgasm makes him such a sweet guy but I worry that it kind of tortures him if I don't and that part of it stresses me out. Which makes it hard for me to get there. I've actually said just about exactly the same stuff I've said here, to him, but I don't actually want to tell him point blank that my fear is of hurting his feelings (by giving him permission to climax without me) because I feel like that implies that I think he's emotionally fragile or something. But there must be some reason I feel this way. And I think maybe sometimes he does come off as a little fragile. Or like he wouldn't accept it if I said I don't mind when I don't. Because the thing is, it seems like the times I am able to come are the times when I'm not really thinking I will or worried about it. Because I can relax. If I go into it with that specifically in mind I usually crap out because I'm so focused on it. Anyway. I'm sure we'll work through it. And one of these days maybe I'll be able to be a little more outspoken about what I need. Or at least be able to understand it myself a little better. Because I think maybe that's what he doesn't quite trust. That when I say that I myself don't quite know what I need from him, that I really mean it. But that that doesn't mean I'm not trying to figure it out. I wonder if I just told him to focus on getting me excited but not so much on whether or not I am going to climax and to just get there whenever he does unless I specifically tell him to hold on. I wonder if he would be offended by that. And if that might keep my mind from taking over and killing my potential orgasm point blank. What do you all think?
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I'm trying to figure something out... My boyfriend and I have been together for about half a year and have been sexually active for most of that time. I feel like we have a good sex life. I enjoy it; I look forward to it and I know the same is true for him. The problem is, good sex is kind of new to me. I was not a virgin when we started dating but I had never really enjoyed it before. So I feel like he's kind of got the edge on me because, for him, orgasm is fairly predictable. As you might expect, he almost never comes away from it without reaching climax. Which is probably in part because, for guys, masturbation and sex are very similar. I feel like, for myself, though, that even though I am familiar with masturbation, and I feel like I can pretty efficiently get myself off on my own in a number of different ways (that have not ever really involved any objects, by the way) that it's a lot harder for me to predict what is going to get me there and how quickly. It's not that I blanketly expect that every single time I have sex it will end in orgasm (even just occasionally is pretty cool, I think, and sometimes I feel like the sex itself is its own reward). Where this becomes a problem though is that I think it causes him a lot of stress and frustration. I know that he loves me and he genuinely cares about my happiness but there develops this mixture of conflicting emotions when we start to get mutually close to the finish line. Sometimes it seems like everything lines up perfectly and it's all bliss. But other times, I feel like either he is much more aroused than I am just to start with or I'm just not sure how close I really am. And I'm grappling with this feeling of not wanting to hurt his feelings by just giving him the go-ahead to finish without me (because I know he appreciates it when I can get there), but also not wanting to prolong his frustration when he's really close and having to fight it back if I'm not even sure if I could efficiently get there. And then, of course, the moment I start thinking about it, I start to loose track of where I was going, so to speak. I can be a very cereberal sexual partner at times, I think. Maybe too much. Maybe about everything. It just kind of twists me up a little because I want him to be happy--both in the sense of having a satisfying time and in the sense of being pleased when I get there--but sometimes I'd rather not be so stressed about it. I wish I could just tell him (without hurting his feelings) that I am enjoying his company and enjoying the sex but I don't mind if he gets there without me. Anyone have ideas how to handle this with care and eloquence so that we both can stop stressing out about it so much?
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I recently contracted pink eye and have been placed on Tobramycin eye drops for--I guess as long as I have the pink eye (the doctor was a little hurried and sent me out the door before she told me). Anyway, I am also using the Nuvaring. I'm on my period currently, so I don't have it in. I was just wondering if anyone is familiar with the interactions between antibiotics and this form of birth control. And how long after I stop using the drops should I use back up? I probably should know this answer as well as anyone, given that I'm a nurse, but I'm just not that familiar with this antibiotic. Thanks for any help.
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- birth control
- menstruation
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Hi Qtpie87 You're in a tough situation. Weight loss is a difficult gig unless you have support from the people around you. Or, if not that, at the very least, non-interference. I am someone who as a child and young teen lived in a low income, vegetarian household and was rather skinny because of it. But came out of that situation with this incredible bottomless pit of need for food. Fear of being hungry--of not being able to have satisfying food when I needed or wanted it. So I have kind of had to battle with that since that time. After I started working, in high school, and was suddenly financially independent, to some degree, I began to try to fill that black hole with all the foods I could never had or were never available when I was little. Basically anything with calories or that tasted good. Which lead to a gradual upward weight gain until I hit my peak of about 160 (at 5'7") in college. I had dieted up and down some in high school and junior college--to loose small amounts that probably could have been lived with. And so I was familiar with the concept of calorie counting. However, I guess I never had quite the freedom or the resources to do it the right way or be able to have mastery over my own desires. I lost about 20 pounds towards the end of nursing school by counting calories and walking an hour a day. The problem was that after I graduated and got a job I began to gain it back. Until I was back to my previous weight and slightly more. What I am not doing, is calling this a failure. Because I think what I learned, after reviewing the initial attempt, was that my plan was flawed because I was fighting myself. I was trying to create a plan that I couldn't live with. And the only way to maintain weight (I presume) is to have a plan you can live with (or modify for maintenance). Where I fell short were in a couple of places. I tried to limit myself to foods I didn't really like and force myself to eat them at widely spaced intervals (ie meals). I also tried too hard with the exercizing and realized it was an uphill battle that only caused me to burn out. I have since relost the 20 pounds plus 10 more that I managed to gain back but am in the process of working on again. My goal is to learn how to keep it off one day. I think though, after all these attempts, that I have a theorem that works pretty well. First, calories in must equal calories out. If you feel like you are capable of counting calories (and there are tons of books and websites that can help you with this), it is something that can be tailored to just about any lifestyle. I was never one who could grasp the concept of "moderation" or "eat less" because it seemed so vague. And I wanted specific, measurable goals. There are a couple of principles that I think you should keep in mind first: *If you are a snacker (like me), then eat that way. Just remember that you have to be determined and persistent and not go over your alloted calories for the day. Eat when you're hungry but small items. * Try different foods--combinations of low fat/calorie and ordinary foods that add up to what you can have. Over time you will develop some favorites that you know you like and also learn where your priorities lie. I, personally, refuse to drink skim milk. So I drink 1% instead. And, for another example, nutrition bars (snickers marathon, etc) are yummy and taste like candy bars. They work for a good snack to keep you energized for a little bit. * It's okay to have some off days. In fact, when I diet, I build in days (3-4 a month) where I allow myself to totally not diet and eat whatever I like. This keeps me from being tempted to quit altogether and gives me a goal to work towards * You have to be willing to not deviate from the plan for a while. Don't expect any results for a week or two. But then you might be surprised to realize that you have lost 5-10 pounds in a week. That's the initial shock of the new eating pattern. Following that, expect a loss of 1-2 pounds a week with occasional plateaus. You have to keep going, even despite those. * Weigh in at least once a week. More often and you may just get normal scale variation. Less often and you won't have the motivation to keep going. This is more or less individual, though. * It may take a little while but if you are persistent and maybe add in some exercize as it inspires you, it can be very effective. The last thing I will add is my suggestion for calorie restriction. Depending on what your usual intake is I suggest starting with the higher end so that you don't feel completely deprived, maybe 1500 to 1800 calories. And then, as your stomach shrinks and you loose some weight, decrease your intake until, if you are completely sedentary or low activity, it is around 1300-1400 calories per day. Don't go much below 1200 because that sets your body up to try to hoard energy when you aren't dieting. Most of all, I think the best thing is not to go into any new weight loss endeavor hating yourself. It will only be doomed to fail. You have to do it because you want to feel the best about yourself you can. And that will start to happen once you realize that whatever you decide to do is starting to work. Sorry so long. I hope this helped.
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He is 25 years older than me...
tinkerbell_79 replied to janaury storms's topic in Age Gap Relationships
I have to kind of disagree here. I have a very good friend who is 73 years old and he doesn't seem at all like a "senior citizen" despite the actual definition. I have never considered having a relationship with him in that sense just because I don't see him, personally, that way and I'm not attracted to him (which I probably wouldn't be even if he were younger) but I still view him as I would any younger man. Because that's the face he presents to the world. His ideal of his perfect match is someone probably 30 years younger. I have gotten some small pieces of a story over the years about an 18 year old girl he dated (and felt like was one of his great loves) at 50. I'm not sure why it didn't work out but he still, 25 years later, talks about her. So, clearly, age is not as much of a hindrance as society might think. Old is how you feel, in my opinion. It may be a cliche but age really is in the mind. If someone views themself as a vibrant member of the world--willing to keep engaging in it as a younger person would and making the effort to take care of themselves physically and emotionally, you can be young forever. And there's my soap box. -
It sounds like that would have been a good opportunity but I doubt that's the only one you'll have. I'd say just go with it when it feels right.
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I second that, about focusing your energy. I think the most imporant thing to having an orgasm is relaxing--your mind and body (to the extend that you can, depending on what you're doing) and focusing on the pleasure. Keep reminding yourself, if you need to, of what you're feeling and if it feels good. The other thing is, if you are anxious about your partner--either you worry he will loose patience or you just don't trust him, deep down, it makes it very hard to relax and enjoy yourself.
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I'm Afraid to orgasm, Is there something wrong with me?
tinkerbell_79 replied to playfull06's topic in Sex and Romance
Ha ha ha... Nooooo! Sorry. Not to be so sarcastic but it's absolutely not the case--with women anyway. And I can tell you from experience, jadedsoyoung that the partner is probably 99 percent of the problem. I think it's definitely beneficial to learn your own self and what makes you feel good first and foremost. I was a late starter, myself. It didn't even occur to me until I was about 19. But it definitely helps if A) You know what turns you on and B) You have an idea what the progression of stimulation to orgasm feels like and when to expect it. It can be difficult, even then--to trick out your mind and let yourself relax and not over think things enough to just let it happen. I will also mention that vaginal orgasms (a recent discovery for me) vs clitoral are quite different and, I feel like for me, harder to control/predict--since you aren't the only one driving, so to speak, in that case. -
It's funny because I've thought about posting a very similar question here. Perhaps I can just leech off this one a little. My question to everyone is, okay, so it seems that it can happen in all sorts of different ways--falling in love, but how long is too long for you to be sure about it? If its right, does it just gradually get more solid and better? Or is there some point at which, if you don't know for sure, pretty early on that he's the one, you should pull anchor and get out? Because I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and when we started dating, after a few rocky dates, we seemed to be infatuated with each other, physically--or, sort of preternaturally. It was that kind of feeling of wanting to climb inside one another (and not in the sexual way, necessarily). Which was quite a shock to me because I thought, after our second date that I was just truly not attracted to him. Of course, that intensity has cooled somewhat. And in its wake I have developed this somewhat unsettled feeling. That even though we tell each other "I love you" (and I feel that that's the case) and we are still very much attracted to each other and physically compatable, it still seems like such baby love. Not that we're babies but that its not the kind of love yet where if he asked me to marry him I'd say "yes" right away. Where I feel totally comfortable telling him everything. Where I feel like I can completely relax when we're together. In a way, though, my behavior would seem to speak to the contrary. When we're not together I miss him and when I have time off from work I don't feel at all reluctant about spending it with him. We do things together. We enjoy each other's company. And I still feel that preternatural magnetic draw when we sit and curl up on the couch or snuggle in bed. On the one hand, I'm constantly worried that I'm deluding myself and trying to hang on to something that isn't working. But on the other, I'm fearful, too, that maybe I'm expecting too much too fast. I wonder if maybe I have confused the sensation of not yet completely knowing him with being unhappy or incompatable. There are definitely times when I feel that flash of "real" love for him. Where I feel myself relax and cling to him. Could it be that we're just both complicated people who take time to warm up and get to know people and that's what holding us back. I worry I have too many issues to be able to sort this out rationally. Or that maybe I was just so happy to find someone who truly worshipped me (or, at least, respected me) in the wake of my last crappy codependent relationship that I'll take anything. You would think I wasn't even in my own head. So, you see, you're not the only one confused.
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For Those of You in Painful Relationships...
tinkerbell_79 replied to justagirl20f's topic in Dating Advice
I think sometimes the hardest thing is feeling so very tired of being the only one to realize the situation is bad. Being the one to always have to bear the brunt of the other persons crying and disappointment and arguing that you're wrong. Because, of course, if you are, it's because the other person is probably getting everything out of the codependent oportunistic relationship and you are being robbed of everything--including self esteem. Depression is a powerful blinder. More powerful, maybe, than love. And it makes you forget that love is supposed to make you feel happy. You honestly forget. And after a series of these flops (short and/or long term) you start to evaluate and question every relationship you're in for it's potential for failure. For it's potential to be the wrong one--again. Which is kind of scarey because you wonder, repeatedly, what's wrong with this one. Even if you actually feel happy and can find nothing wrong with the person you're with. In fact, it's quite scarey, because sometimes you look into that abyss that is your future and think you could be blinded either way. You could be missing the greatest thing ever by staying where you are and trying to work out any little kinks (and you're own personal issues) or you could be throwing away the best thing out there because you were sure there was something better. And end up alone. Yes, I can be morbid. But these are the depressing thoughts I have sometimes. -
I'll give you a girls perspective. From my point of view, fingering is not all that much fun. First of all--fingernails. Second of all, I think really the appeal of sex is feeling the pressure of something shaped like a penis (which obviously fingers are not). My suggestion (and this is entirely contingent on what your gf likes) would be to focus more on clitoral stimulation. Does she masturbate? Ask her what works for her and then try that.