Should I let it go

[Treato]

was dating this guy for about eight months, we decided to end things because the fact that I'm friends with my two ex made him nervous and he didn't trust it. However I miss him like crazy but refuse to call him. We haven't spoke in 4 weeks yet he calls my mom , cousin and friends every other day. At first I didn't mind because I deleted everything that remind me of him and I kept busy. I don't understand why he's still in touch with my people if he don't want to be with me they aren't friends and when we were together they didn't talk as much well only when we would fight and they would get us back together. I asked my family not to mention me to him , they were confused why but respect my wishes . Has anyone ever been thru this?

[Matt3939]

I could be wrong with this but this is how I would feel in this situation. I think the people around you have to pick a side and not respond to this guy. I know it's hard to tell friends to do this but family should respect you. Good luck

[IAmFCA]

Treato, this is only part of the story.

 

Have you been out drinking with friends since the break up? It's the traditional way for many, it's what friends want to do with you to help you get over.

 

If you have, I get it, maybe it's normal for your friends and no big deal. But if you want to be the person who attracts and retains a serious guy, you need to change your idea of normal. For this man in particular, the drinking was an issue at the beginning and an issue at the end. You need to stop drinking, 100%. Try it.

 

And yes, let this one go. Let your family talk to him. It's not your business who they talk with, same as how you're friends with an ex and think your now ex bf should have been okay with it. Focus on being the sort of person you'd like to date.

[Treato]

I haven't had a drink in a month nor feel the need to get one . He told my family it wasn't the drinking it was the fear of me going back to my ex but that would never happen.

[IAmFCA]

I haven't had a drink in a month nor feel the need to get one . He told my family it wasn't the drinking it was the fear of me going back to my ex but that would never happen.

 

What boundaries have set up with your ex so that your bf, this past one or another, has uninterrupted access to you

[Treato]

We can't talk on the phone and I can't be there for him any longer. I don't want to mess my next relationship up and I have no intention on coming back.

[Wiseman2]

Ask your mom, friends, cousins etc. to respect you and stop talking to him. Ask them to go no contact and block him. Very creepy and controlling that he does these end-runs

 

Why is he doing this passive-aggressive stalking? Kinda lame, no?

 

Excellent you went no contact and deleted and blocked him. Now your people should respect you and do the same.

We haven't spoke in 4 weeks yet he calls my mom , cousin and friends every other day. I don't understand why he's still in touch with my people if he don't want to be with me

[DancingFool]

It's awesome that you've quit drinking and that you've realized that towing ex's as friends behind you is not good. That is great!

 

However, realize now that this guy is also not good for you and not quite right in the head. His behavior is totally stalkerish and weird. Contacting your family almost daily, heck contacting your family if you two have an argument or a fight.....that is soooo sooo sooo messed up, weird, controlling and unacceptable. Keep far far away from him and ask your family flat out to avoid him. What he is doing is a red flag the size of China and anyone who does this, you should run from.

 

Change is good and it sounds like you need to work on recognizing that. It seems that you have a hard time letting go, thus ex's in your life, but as you are learning, it's not good for you in the long run. This guy is just another ex and a creepy one at that. Insecure controlling people are often excellent manipulators who can be incredibly charming with others so that you can't even turn toward your family and friends and get help or confide in them about any problems because he has them under his spell and control. It's just another form of isolating their victim, you. Run and don't look back.

 

Enjoy the new you - no drinking, no ex's, no creepy ex's. Stay single for awhile and actually enjoy the freedom. Rethink your relationships, your expectations, what you want a guy to bring to the table and how. Raise your bar because you have done well to raise yourself to a higher level and the last thing you need now is a weirdo stalking you through your family. He needs to go.

[IAmFCA]

It's awesome that you've quit drinking and that you've realized that towing ex's as friends behind you is not good. That is great!

 

However, realize now that this guy is also not good for you and not quite right in the head. His behavior is totally stalkerish and weird. Contacting your family almost daily, heck contacting your family if you two have an argument or a fight.....that is soooo sooo sooo messed up, weird, controlling and unacceptable. Keep far far away from him and ask your family flat out to avoid him. What he is doing is a red flag the size of China and anyone who does this, you should run from.

 

Change is good and it sounds like you need to work on recognizing that. It seems that you have a hard time letting go, thus ex's in your life, but as you are learning, it's not good for you in the long run. This guy is just another ex and a creepy one at that. Insecure controlling people are often excellent manipulators who can be incredibly charming with others so that you can't even turn toward your family and friends and get help or confide in them about any problems because he has them under his spell and control. It's just another form of isolating their victim, you. Run and don't look back.

 

Enjoy the new you - no drinking, no ex's, no creepy ex's. Stay single for awhile and actually enjoy the freedom. Rethink your relationships, your expectations, what you want a guy to bring to the table and how. Raise your bar because you have done well to raise yourself to a higher level and the last thing you need now is a weirdo stalking you through your family. He needs to go.

 

I like this advice.

 

I have friends who, as parents, become friends with their children's (teenagers) friends. They still act like adults, and it isn't creepy. It is hard on the teenagers, who would benefit from some examples of how make and keep boundaries. I was envisioning this friendly, neighborly way between your family members and your ex bf.

 

On reflection, it is too frequent to be neighborly, and even if it were, i would suggest they stop (as I suggested to my friends).

 

With respect to your ex ex, good job! You have taken great strides to reduce the chaos in your life. Your next bf will be higher quality than this last one. Last two, in fact. Take time to appreciate yourself and to get some perspective on your ex. I have a feeling he will be judgmental of you and controlling, and generally hold you back. The world is yours. Go get it.

[abitbroken]

I am glad you stopped drinking. But keep stopping. when you hit a month, go another month. And after that, go another month, and so on. And dump the exes. If they were friends when you drank, they might be enablers to try to get you to drink again. I would not be comfortable if my guy regularly spoke with 2 of his exes (if he had a kid with one of them, that's a different situation). IMHO.

[Treato]

I guess the 30 nc rule did work , well at least for the both of us. Today is the 32 day he called but I couldn't find the strength to answer. Problem is im confused I don't miss him as much as I use to . I started dating other people , I still dream about him and think one day well get back together. But truth is I don't know if I'm ready , so I'm gonna give it a couple of days and see what happens maybe I'll answer and we can start fresh.