How can I discover if my roommate is sexually attracted w/out ruining friendship

[RainyCoast]

oh for god's sake i can hear your cogwheels turning dude...

[NotTheOnly1]

It probably won't happen, because this tenant/coworker is not interested. She's dating other guys and thinks of this as a tenant situation where she is friendly with both you and your wife.

That may be the first correct thing you've said. You may be right.

[NotTheOnly1]

Just an important point. The reason I wanted to sound out the roomie first is because the risk of losing her is less of a loss than the risk of sounding out the wife first and that leading to a big argument. Maybe even something worse.

 

There are 2 people to ask.

1 loses me less than the other if it goes wrong.

It just makes sense to me to risk the lesser one first and find out what the roomie really thinks first.

 

But I appreciate you taking me down the thought paths:

 

 

-if wife said yes but it was because she was apathetic and resigned, would you go ahead with it. i mean does it count as genuine acceptance if she only gives you a green light because she's stopped caring.

 

I would not go ahead with it then.

 

-if she's genuinely okay with it, do you think you can handle the sexual relationship with the friend in a way that preserves the friendship if the romantic/sexual side ends after a while (as most do). if not, can you handle losing her as a friend as well. (frankly, i'm not sure this is one of those friendships that would last decades anyway. sounds based on sexual banter, validation, flirting and excitement. stuff affairs are made of, friendships, not so much.)

 

I do have a problem with knowing the sexual side would end. It might wreck the friendship. That's not cool. That's where my stone age brain kicks in and just wants to do it anyway. But the real me doesn't. I sometimes struggle that I'm too many people.

 

Your perception that it's a sexual banter relationship is misguided and that's my fault. The only things relevant to flirting are the ones I mentioned, but forum posts are not absolute. There is a wealth more to our friendship that hasn't been relevant to type here.

 

-if wife is against and you decide to respect that and not cheat, will you be able to do that while keeping the girl in the house and while keeping the firendship going.

 

Yes. I have so far, and secretly that would be a relief. There's so much we all get from the friendship and sharing a home. But the alternative is too tempting so far too completely ignore.

 

i think if we want to unduck this, you're going to have to start dropping us hints about the complicated long story that resulted in the decision for an open marriage. i sense your reluctance to bring this up with wife has tons to do with it, and plays a huge part in the real or perceived slipperiness of this triangle.

 

Long story short my wife is stunning. My friend not, but pretty enough. My wife knew the only way to win me was to accept that I have high sexual needs. So she conceded after a lot of discussion on the "don't ask don't tell" agreement. And truthfully as always, knowing that I could, means I have yet to do so. I haven't ever slept with another woman during our marriage. The allowance of freedom made me not need it, because I know it's there, and my wife is very giving in the bedroom. I'm rarely left needing it.

 

My greed is more from some sick self kudos place I think. Like I said I always want more even if I already have enough.

 

I hope I've answered honestly and that it helps.

[NotTheOnly1]

Your first two sentences completely contradict themselves. She's NOT okay with sharing you! You've some how convinced someone who cares about you greatly that it is ok for you to sexually pursue other women. But she doesn't want to know when you've done it because IT WOULD HURT HER. Not to mention, you could get an STI and then give it to your loving wife and that's just plain sick. You're selfish, man. You're marriage is a sham because there is no actual trust or intimacy. You're not satisfied with it and she isn't either.

 

This ain't right, buddy. Truthfully you guys are going to end up divorced because open relationships are wholly unsatisfying for one or both partners. You probably should just do that and then you can ask whoever you want to you. Plain and simple. My heart breaks for your wife....why isn't she enough for you?

You're way off in many ways. The friend doesn't have any STIs for a start. So much more I won't go into. Remember forum posts aren't absolute and you don't know me. My fault for selecting only certain things to share, but it'd be a much longer thread if I wasn't selective.

[moodindigo91]

I feel like we're just beating a dead horse now. No one but the OP thinks it's a good idea, and no real loopholes have been found. Someone is either going to get hurt, or feel uncomfortable. 1) I'm 25, and I'll tell you as much, if I were boarding with a married middle-aged couple temporarily and got along great with them, I'd be absolutely weirded out if the male counterpart tried to sleep with me because I live there, and that would undoubtedly create awkwardness and complications whenever the wife is home whether you want to believe so or not, a 24-year-old girl really isn't cut out for this kind of crap without getting her emotions tied in a bunch; 2) your wife does not want people she knows to know she's willing to share you, you can't get around that without being deceitful and disrespectful of her wishes, she stands to get hurt because you can only think with your penis and not your head; 3) you don't seem to be explaining anything well at all, and you keep saying it's because you've omitted pertinent details for length purposes, but I think it's more because you know some of what you're saying is complete BS but you want to figure out a way to have your cake and eat it, too.

 

Dude, I think you just need to grow up. This situation isn't good no matter what angle you look at it from.

[RainyCoast]

your high sexual needs aren't the reason you asked for an open relationship. you may be sexually exceptionally needy, but wife's libido keeps up, and her frequency of sharing it. so it's the other, needing to prove something to yourself thing that's the reason.

 

so do you want this roomate ("wife is splendid. roomie not so much") or do you want that proof of yourself as worthy of a potential sexual risk which her validation provides? you've never actually had to consummate your privilge. you just need to know both wife and a tease acknowledge you as exceptionally desirable and potent. summing up what i think you're saying. not out of the ordinary, but i can think of easier ways to appease a complex than this intricate mess. can you?

 

it's also quite possible roomie will validate you plenty...as long as it doesn't have to materialize in anything definite.

[NotTheOnly1]

I feel like we're just beating a dead horse now. No one but the OP thinks it's a good idea, and no real loopholes have been found.

 

Someone is either going to get hurt, or feel uncomfortable.

 

1) I'm 25, and I'll tell you as much, if I were boarding with a married middle-aged couple temporarily and got along great with them, I'd be absolutely weirded out if the male counterpart tried to sleep with me because I live there, and that would undoubtedly create awkwardness and complications whenever the wife is home whether you want to believe so or not, a 24-year-old girl really isn't cut out for this kind of crap without getting her emotions tied in a bunch;

 

2) your wife does not want people she knows to know she's willing to share you, you can't get around that without being deceitful and disrespectful of her wishes, she stands to get hurt because you can only think with your penis and not your head;

 

3) you don't seem to be explaining anything well at all, and you keep saying it's because you've omitted pertinent details for length purposes, but I think it's more because you know some of what you're saying is complete BS but you want to figure out a way to have your cake and eat it, too.

 

Dude, I think you just need to grow up. This situation isn't good no matter what angle you look at it from.

 

I want you to be right, because then I could go figure it out, but you're not.

 

1. I don't think it's a good idea. I keep saying that people here might be right and are making great points. It's clearly highly likely to be a bad idea.

 

2. I don't "only" think with my penis as you eloquently put it. The fact I'm here getting into details about the right thing to do shows anyone who wants to look that I'm conscientious enough to not leap in like some backwards idiot.

 

3. She's not just a boarder so your analogy is false. Instead consider your best male friend who you flirt with made an advance when you started living with him and his wife. That's the true analogy.

 

4. Maybe I do need to grow up. Just so we're clear, you're saying grown ups never get confused by flirty younger women and grown ups never have sexual thoughts about anyone except their spouse correct?

[NotTheOnly1]

it's also quite possible roomie will validate you plenty...as long as it doesn't have to materialize in anything definite.

 

Can you clarify this comment? I'm intrigued but don't quite understand the verbage.

 

As to the rest, I must admit it sounds right. Maybe this is all just a complex about my own self worth. Maybe I need to go for a refresher course of therapy. It's always been very helpful.

[moodindigo91]

I want you to be right, because then I could go figure it out, but you're not.

 

1. I don't think it's a good idea. I keep saying that people here might be right and are making great points. It's clearly highly likely to be a bad idea.

 

2. I don't "only" think with my penis as you eloquently put it. The fact I'm here getting into details about the right thing to do shows anyone who wants to look that I'm conscientious enough to not leap in like some backwards idiot.

 

3. She's not just a boarder so your analogy is false. Instead consider your best male friend who you flirt with made an advance when you started living with him and his wife. That's the true analogy.

 

4. Maybe I do need to grow up. Just so we're clear, you're saying grown ups never get confused by flirty younger women and grown ups never have sexual thoughts about anyone except their spouse correct?

 

Like I said, beating a dead horse. You say nothing new each time. If it's a bad idea, then leave it at that.

[ParisPaulette]

And this ^^^^ is exactly why my policy with male friends has always will always be hell no we are not living together in any capacity.

 

If you're really serious about the "right" thing to do then the only right answer is if you have to "hide" something from your wife, you know it's wrong, regardless. Sorry, no one is going to give you the manual on "How can I go behind my wife's back or risk rejection from someone who may very well be deeply offended a married man hit on her and move out."

 

tl;dr: There is no answer anyone in this forum is going to give you that you don't already know the clear answer to. If you have to hide something it's wrong, period. Anything else is just bullship and you know it and we know it, mate. The end.

[moodindigo91]

your best male friend who you flirt with made an advance when you started living with him and his wife. That's the true analogy

 

BTW, boarder or tenant, whatever terminology you use, it's the same thing. Also, like I said, as a 25-year-old woman myself, this sounds extremely weird and uncomfortable. Are you sure she considers you her "best male friend" or is that something you're assuming? If I were in that situation, I would feel very uncomfortable if my best male friend who is married, who I live with, tried to make a pass at me. And again I don't think neither she nor your wife are cut out for this convoluted mess. It's a bad idea.

[RainyCoast]

i mean that she's happy to feed you ego kibbles with flirting and sexual innuendo and cuddles. and have you return with the same. appease my complex i'll appease yours. but often when sex is actually expected, they'll bail out.

 

i think whoever said 24 year olds aren't usually emotionally cut out for this was right. they might intially enjoy the exchange of validation and the excitement...and then they're posting here hysterical "it just got out of hand etc". there comes a time when they start to feel resentful for having been played with, even though they weren't clear with themselves or others they expected more than play in the beginning.

[RainyCoast]

what i'm saying is this rush and whatever you're getting out of this girl isn't linked to this girl specifically. you're after how she makes you feel about you, not after her.

[NotTheOnly1]

Like I said, beating a dead horse. You say nothing new each time. If it's a bad idea, then leave it at that.

Other people are replying in case you missed that and I'm following their conversations to an end point. They're not done yet. Feel free to mute this thread. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day.

[NotTheOnly1]

BTW, boarder or tenant, whatever terminology you use, it's the same thing. Also, like I said, as a 25-year-old woman myself, this sounds extremely weird and uncomfortable. Are you sure she considers you her "best male friend" or is that something you're assuming? If I were in that situation, I would feel very uncomfortable if my best male friend who is married, who I live with, tried to make a pass at me. And again I don't think neither she nor your wife are cut out for this convoluted mess. It's a bad idea.

I'm 100% sure obviously or I wouldn't say it. She's told me. And remember it's not me making the passes, she is the one flirting. If she wouldn't do that this would've long passed my mind by. You're choosing to see a very narrow and inaccurate part of a fuller story I've already told. Not sure why.

[NotTheOnly1]

i mean that she's happy to feed you ego kibbles with flirting and sexual innuendo and cuddles. and have you return with the same. appease my complex i'll appease yours. but often when sex is actually expected, they'll bail out.

 

i think whoever said 24 year olds aren't usually emotionally cut out for this was right. they might intially enjoy the exchange of validation and the excitement...and then they're posting here hysterical "it just got out of hand etc". there comes a time when they start to feel resentful for having been played with, even though they weren't clear with themselves or others they expected more than play in the beginning.

Great point. The drunken flirting may be just that and nothing more.

 

Though I hope nobody would blame me for wondering where it came from. But yes, good point.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.