Having a hard time ending a toxic relationship, please help!

[Gymgirl71]

Just reading through this and what you have written, Im just wondering are you ready for him to put up one final drama and lay the guilt trip on you, for kicking him out and breaking up with him. He sounds to me that he is going to try again when you finally give him the boot.

 

I would also have someone on standby to change the locks when he is gone or take back his keys etc and make sure he leaves them

He will act like he doesn't give a hoot. He will find another victim online and will find a place to stay temporarily, until he puts the guilt trip on her, and she asks him to move in. He is not keeping the keys, and doesn't have the top lock thankfully.

[Wiseman2]

He needs to go to social services so he can get mental health help, food stamps, employment help, help with homeless shelters,etc. Stop being a martyr at the expense of your son's future and well being.

 

Give him appropriate notice and do not act out of mindless anger...it's your fault he's there.

 

You are being very damaging to your son, yourself and this guy but preventing him from getting the appropriate help he needs.

He needs help. I could lock him out tonight (he doesn't have the top lock).

[gypsybird87]

He has no other friends because apparently he got sick of their BS...

 

More likely they got sick of *HIS* BS....

 

I know this will be tough but you can get through it. I have been in a similar place, where I was the one providing the roof, the food, and the cleaning and laundry services. Because really, that's all you are doing right now. Any talk he's giving you about wanting a healthy relationship is just lip service to extend what believe me, he is well aware of: the clock ticking down on this so-called relationship.

 

When you confront him, make sure your son is not there (as you've already said). Make sure he is sober. Make sure you have a game plan with a friend ready to come over and back you up if necessary. Sometimes the presence of another person can help keep things to a more civil level, so if it starts to escalate, call in reinforcements. Already have worked out in your mind what he can and cannot take. Anything you feel strongly about, that you think he might try to take against your will, give to a friend for safekeeping until this is over. (Assuming that's practical, and it's not a couch or something.)

 

Keep it calm, civil, and businesslike. DO NOT let yourself be swayed by any blah-de-blah about where is he going to go etc. He's a grown man and that is HIS problem, not yours. Don't let him guilt you into giving him "time to find a place" or "save up some money" or any of that crap. Present as strong and confident, and don't show any sign of hesitation or weakness. If you do, he will pounce on it, because that's what vultures do.

 

Your bed and breakfast is closed for business. It's check out time, and he needs to leave. Period.

[Hermes]

Heh Wiseman. Why would he do that (go to social services etc.) when there are scores, maybe hundreds, of women online just waiting to give him a chance...

[Gymgirl71]

Wiseman, I don't think he will ever get help because he thinks everyone else has the issue, not him. He is so immature, he accused me of taking something of his (medicine) this morning! Even after I told him I didn't touch it, he kept on

[Wiseman2]

Who cares? Throw him out. I don't mean help to "fix him" for your sake...just a job and a roof. You seem to have your own issues going on to endanger your son to this degree and keep this guy around..

 

But you too won't get help and think everyone else has the issues. Are you both using/abusing prescription medication together?

I don't think he will ever get help because he thinks everyone else has the issue, not him. he accused me of taking something of his (medicine) this morning!

[Gymgirl71]

I will give him a couple days to find living arrangements so he can start calling shelters. I'm sick of every time we get in a fight, he says he's leaving. Now he can leave for good. I'm sick of seeing his miserable face. I'm a happy person but he is making me into someone I'm not.

[Gymgirl71]

I do not take any substances wiseman

[trickykid]

Well there you go, you dont even have to ask him to leave, just start a fight with him, then he will say he is leaving and thats when you say goodbye and leave the keys.

[Wiseman2]

That's not how it works. You give him notice, let him pack up all his own stuff and drive him to the Department of Social Services and they set him up with food, housing, medical care, employment, etc.

I will give him a couple days to find living arrangements so he can start calling shelters.

[Gymgirl71]

You might be on to something tricky kid. It's a no brainer.

[Gymgirl71]

That's not how it works. You give him notice, let him pack up all his own stuff and drive him to the Department of Social Services and they set him up with food, housing, medical care, employment, etc.

I am unable to drive him anywhere. I am sure he has a friend he can stay with anyways. If he wasn't mistreating me, I could act more civil, but he is disrespecting me in my own home and refuses to see it.

[SooSad33]

He is VERY needy and you're not a parent to him., He is too full of crap and emotions..

he's showing too much tude and lacks respect towards you.

 

if depressed.. h should maybe be in therapy and/or on meds? And if he can't work due to his condition.. he can apply for disability... and get out.

 

How long are you going to take this from someone who doesn't sound too compatible?

[Wiseman2]

It's your job to see this and do something about it for your and your son's sake. your story keeps changing. he has no one, he has friends to stay with, he can call shelters, etc. Is that because you are terrified of being alone and losing him because you need someone to control?

he is disrespecting me in my own home and refuses to see it.

[SooSad33]

I will give him a couple days to find living arrangements so he can start calling shelters. I'm sick of every time we get in a fight, he says he's leaving. Now he can leave for good. I'm sick of seeing his miserable face. I'm a happy person but he is making me into someone I'm not.

 

Yup, that they can do... toxic.

I was involved with one and picked up within a month that things weren't good. I was drained emotionally really quickly.

Who wants/needs that??

[Gymgirl71]

He is VERY needy and you're not a parent to him., He is too full of crap and emotions..

he's showing too much tude and lacks respect towards you.

 

if depressed.. h should maybe be in therapy and/or on meds? And if he can't work due to his condition.. he can apply for disability... and get out.

 

How long are you going to take this from someone who doesn't sound too compatible?

Yes, and he claims that I am too emotional. Well, how would you feel if your SO snapped at you over something small? he said I was having an attitude and stormed off into the other room. When I tried to explain myself, then he doesn't believe me and says I am making excuses and how he isn't stupid. Anger is an emotion, so he is emotional but he just doesn't show sadness or grief, only anger. I don't have an attitude, he is too weak to handle a strong woman.

 

He can work, he has no disability. But he needs to be a lot more proactive that just going on CL and indeed. He has zero leads.

[Gymgirl71]

Yup, that they can do... toxic.

I was involved with one and picked up within a month that things weren't good. I was drained emotionally really quickly.

Who wants/needs that??

Yes I was drained within a month too. I should have booted him out after that fight (2 days) but I have let him stay too long already. We haven't been living together long and we fight too much. I don't pretend to be perfect, but I get along with just about everybody. It is just when someone is so miserable, it wont take much to start a fight.

[Wiseman2]

He would be if you weren't supporting him. And robbing money out of your kid's future to do so. Don't be this hard up for a man.

He can work, he has no disability. But he needs to be a lot more proactive that just going on CL and indeed.

[gypsybird87]

If he wasn't mistreating me, I could act more civil, but he is disrespecting me in my own home and refuses to see it.

 

If he's mistreating you so badly, then why allow him any time to find a place etc? In my very real personal experience, once you say you are DONE, you need to enforce it immediately. Otherwise nothing is going to change. If he was a motivated individual with his sh*t together, you wouldn't be in this situation. He's not. He's a lazy, disrespectful SOB, and I'm worried you are over-estimating how proactive he's going to be about actually finding a place and moving out. You're going to be posting here a week from now, and nothing will have progressed.

[Gymgirl71]

It's ok I just lost it now and kicked him out. He accused me of throwing something of his in the garbage, and I even tried to talk to him about it but then he got disrespectful. I got right up in his face then he told me to f myself. So I told him to get his ass out of my house. I am shaking so bad right now. I told him off and I'm glad I did he disrespect me in my house in front of his nephew.

[gypsybird87]

Deep breath. You did the hard part. Now you just have to follow through. Make sure he knows this is a *permanent* kicking out, not just you being pissed off in the moment. Stay strong and focused. You've got this!

[thedisposable1]

Run away he is a bum

[gypsybird87]

Gymgirl, any updates? How are you doing?