i acted so crazy and i cant forgive myself

[warthan]

me and my ex were together for almost 2 years. i was her real first bf and she was the first real girl i loved. towards the end of the semester (we are both in college) things started getting worse. She broke up with me because i stopped putting time into her and more into my studies because of finals. i asked her not to and that ill try but she said what was the point if i was gonna leave for a month to go to another country right after finals. Now i wasnt perfect either, there were times i wish i had been more supportive or her too and less clingy. so anyways she decided to give it another chance, and so we got back together after 2 daya, i spent the rest of my time with her till i left the country, and when i was there she decided to start a fight with me over how i lost her headphone till the point i decided to just order some for her. She them preceding to make me feel bad about leaving her behind in the US when i onnly really left the country to go see family that i havent seen in about 10years, not to have fun and travel alone. During this whole trip i would tell her how i missed her and loved her and she would never say it once back. When i get back things got way worse. She would start arguements over little things. How once i used her towel to shower leaving it all wet so she had to wait till it dried off (i ended up driving to bed bath and beyond to buy her a new one). How i wouldnt want to sit in a table with her roommates (didnt talk to me for almost a week after that till i got mugged one day and all of a sudden she cared and asked me over when she heard) The worse one was when I told her i would with her into NYC to her new job orientation and later hang out in the city and go grab food, but i told her this was all depended on wether or not i had work and of course i wouldnt know till the day off. i tried to compromise with her telling her i would meet her at the trian station or how i would go after her orientation if i didnt have work, but no she wanted me to be there no matter what and risk getting in trouble with my boss if i couldnt make it on time. Her reasoning was tht "i was choosing to not be there for her" when in reality i was thinking of work and how i needed money for the coming school year after i spent so much during my time out of the country. THe moment when we broke up was when i found out that my little sisters social worker (shes special ed) told my family that she proabably wouldnt be able to go to college. i was so depressed after this because it was so hard to have to see my sister, who was exited about college, have her dreams broken like that. i asked my ex (still gf at that time) if she could come to the beach with me and my sister, that i was trying to cheer her up and at the same time i needed her to be there for me. She told me no because she had already made plans to go with her friends. I got so upset because it felt like she was choosing a beach day with her friends over being there with me and when i told her that she got mad and broke things off but then changed her mind having a 2 week break

 

the break lasted 5 days and when we talked she wanted an open relation. i agreeed to it because i thought tht maybe this way i could get her to fall back in love with me. it didnt work and we ended up braking up after her birthday and it was tough, we both didnt want to say bye but we had to. a couple days later i missed her and i reached out to her saying that i wanted to try and be friends and so we agreed on it. We met for lunch anf hanged out and it was very casually friendly. the next day though when she asked me to bring something back to her house that she left in my car we hooked up and later agreed that it was just sex, that to stay friends but with benefits. Things got weird after this, i was trying to give her space but she continued to act like my gf, hugging me, kissing me, holding my arm/hand and spending some days with me. Then one day i found out tht she was making plans to go on a date with this other guy she met at a bar while we were together at the beach the whole day. After this the next day she said she wanted time apart. i told her what changed what did i do wrong and she said nothing, that it wasnt me, that i was perfect and her friends and family thought so, but that her depression was getting worse and she couldnt handle a relationship. i said ok and that was that

 

almost 2 weeks later while coming back from a bar i saw her and this guy coming out of a car and go into her house. i didnt want to think of it much, and my friends talked me out of doing anything crazy so i went to bed. sometime during the night she texted me that she slept with this guy. i was so pissed because here i was trying to slowly get over her while obviously she didnt care about me one bit. it felt like 2 years meant nothing to her, that it was awaste, and that i was an idiot for thinking she was different and loving her as much as i did. i told her all fo these things when i called. she told me that she didnt know why she did that, that she regretted even sleeping with the guy. i told her i never wanrted to see her.

 

this is were i got crazy, i shouldve let it go, i know i shouldve especially after all my friends were telling me to, but i didnt. I was so upset and just thinking about her being with this other guy in the same bed where we slept and told her i loved you, in the same room were our hedgehog is that i got her for our anniversary, that i did the one thing i always looked down upon. i logged into her imassages.... i feel so disgusted for this, so angry and pissed at my self, so much i want to yell how stupid i am. i guess i did it because i wanted to see if this guy was only a one night stand that she regretted like she said or more.... turns out it was more, they were talking and flirting, and making plans to go out together.... but according to her she couldnt handle a relationship at the moment...then i ended up doing the most stupidest thing ive ever done in my entire life. i send this guy a message from her account impersonating her saying that she just got out of a long term relationship... as soon as i did this i felt immidiate regret, i didnt know what i was doing, i haddnt had rationally thought this out and i felt so so so so stupid! i then logged out of her messages and deleted everything. i was disgusted with my self. i then got a text from her saying that she was now blocking me, and tht she felt so violated and that she never wants anything to have to do with me. i called her and tried to persuade her it wasnt me, that i didnt know her info to log in, that i wouldnt do that, all just to save me from seeming psycho. the next day i called her and lied that it was one of my friends that she never met that did this because he was drunk, and his gf had just cheated on him... digging my grave even deeper. again on that phone call she was mad, she said why would he do that and said again that she didnt want anything to do with me. i said ok and that i was sorry.... now i cant even look at myself. im literally the thing that i never wanted to be. i feel so ashamed with my self, so embarrased and so stupid. i was not in the right mind when i did this and sent that and now im so afraid of running into her or any of her friends when the semester starts because they all probably think im some crazy ass ex bf that violated her privacy, and thats exactly what i am!!! how do i cope with this? how can i forgive myself? and how can i move on with these feeling of digust and anxiety?

[Brutal555]

Okay, so, first of all you have to realise that we all make mistakes and we all do things that we later regret doing. You were in a big panic, big confusion, you were hurt and furious and it made you do things you now regret. What you must do is accepting the things. You must accept what happened and, most importantly, let it go. Torturing yourself with those thoughts about the past won't fix anything and will only make you feel worse. Start living in a present moment and work on your future. Don't plan on any type of revenge or something, or any other "crazy" activity when it comes to her. Forgive yourself and forgive her, because If you don't forgive then it's like carrying a heavy weight on your back 24/7. Take a pen and write about everything that's bothering you or talk with a trusty friend, that should make you feel better.

What happened, happened - Time to move on.

[warthan]

i know i need to just accept it and move on but how can i face my ex and her friends. they all think im crazy now, im so embarrassed, and sure my college is big, but everyone sees each other at bars or on the busses while traveling around school. i feel so much anxiety just thinking about running into them.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can not control her or what she does after breaking up. Go to the college counselor and get a handle on this stalking and obsession before she gets a restraining order.

 

Leave her alone you will never ever win someone back treating them like your possession.

our hedgehog is that i got her for our anniversary. i send this guy a message from her account impersonating her saying that she just got out of a long term relationship. i then got a text from her saying that she was now blocking me

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, first you need to take some deep breaths, sit down to whatever table or favorite spot you have, and take a good long drink of whatever your favorite beverage is. And calm down. Because bluntly speaking what you did, while a bit shady, is just not that terrible, okay? I was expecting something like out of a Carrie Underwood video involving Louisville sluggers and vehicles or you pulling the guy out to get into a fight that now lands you with a assault charge.

 

Not to excuse what you did, but all I see is a) she sort of violated YOUR space by telling you she'd slept with someone else--which is in my books when you know someone still loves you--is frankly more evil AND b) so you gave a brother a heads up about the woman he's seeing.

 

Please, I know you're not the type to do these things, so to you it is a huge deal and I get that, but this is totally recoverable if you use it as the most gigantic wakeup call in the universe that you need to cut all contact with this woman immediately. Gather your friends about you, and heal from her mind games, because that's what they are.

 

She's been keeping you as back up for when things don't work out with other guys, but that texting you in the middle of the night? That was just cold-blooded. Plus that whole thing with her making demands that you be there no matte what, even if it endangered your job? That's when you should have ended things. I'm sorry, but the whole relationship has been toxic for awhile from the sounds of it, just not a good fit between the two of you anyways.

 

Please block and delete her, allow the clouds of negativity and loss and grief to dissipate enough, long enough, for you to get your head on right.

 

If it will make you feel better text her an "You know what? That was me, you're right, this is insane. We need to be out of each other's lives permanently, so I'm giving you that gift and moving on with my life. Goodbye." Then you block and delete her and if she tries to get in touch you remember that someone who truly loved you would not be texting you at some ungodly hour that they just slept with someone else.

 

Go grab a friend, go do something that makes you feel better, let this die down and give yourself enough space from her, long enough, for sanity to reassert itself. It will. And you will wonder why on earth you ever let someone try to have it all their way at the expense of your own self-esteem and respect.

 

I'm really sorry, but she is just is not good for you and the whole thing has become toxic. And you only fix those by stepping away long enough to get your bearings and respect and esteem back, so that the other person can't keep walking all over you. Good luck.

 

P.S. I actually think you're one of the good ones, because you do feel bad about what you did. Not giving you a pass or anything, but breakups make pretty much even the most stable of us crazy sometimes. So stop beating yourself up and start healing instead.

[warthan]

im definitely not gonna contact her anymore, and i know theres no way to get back with her, and i dont want to either, im done with knowing whats going on in her life, but like im just down on myself because i actually genuinly cared for this girl, and like i did something i used to judge down on and used to say that that'll never be me, but i did just that. i know i got to move on, but it just sucks because now instead of her thinking that i was actually a good guy, all shes gonna think of me is this psycho ex and i dont want people to think that of me because that really isnt me. i wasnt thinking rationally, i was hurt, and in pain, and just felt so angry and i know thats no excuse for what i did, i know that i shouldve just left it be and moved on, i know she wasnt worth my time anymore, not after everything shes done, i dont know what overcame me. i just wish i could go back and stop my self from doing this idiotic thing.

[Wiseman2]

Stop beating yourself up over it. It was a dumb mistake, it's over/can't be undone, so lesson learned to just move on and keep your dignity. We all make mistakes.

[charity]

i know i need to just accept it and move on but how can i face my ex and her friends. they all think im crazy now, im so embarrassed, and sure my college is big, but everyone sees each other at bars or on the busses while traveling around school. i feel so much anxiety just thinking about running into them.

 

I tell you what I'd do in your situation. I'd own it. I'd say yeah I went a bit crazy, didn't handle the break up well and did something really really stupid and I'm ashamed of myself. Honesty is all you have left.

[ParisPaulette]

but it just sucks because now instead of her thinking that i was actually a good guy, all shes gonna think of me is this psycho ex and i dont want people to think that of me because that really isnt me.

 

First off, she will think what she thinks of you regardless. People do not "think" about you so much what you do as what they want to think of you, so that's just what it is. Will she use it to "justify" her crappy actions? Quite possibly, but trust me she was not likely to be saying good things about you to begin with, because she was already toxic before this blow up. Toxic people don't say nice things about other people, no not even Mother Theresa or Gandhi etc.

 

Second, your way to handle this is to roll your eyes and tell your friends and anyone else if they ask, "Yeah, that was insane. So was her sending me a text at 3:00 a.m. that she'd just slept with someone else. Too.much.information, so she goaded the bull and got the horns." Then you laugh it off, yes even if you feel embarrassed, and you switch the topic.

 

You need to reframe this whole thing yourself from "I'm a terrible person" to "We were both toxic to each other, t*t for tat, and now it's done, what a joke." Seriously, if your attitude is that of "she did this, so yeah I reacted stupid that way" people will likely not judge you half so much as they do her. I mean, I read that whole text thing and actually said out loud, "WT? B--ch, why did you do that to him????" I just see she was already playing with your head before, wasn't there when you needed her, but was very controlling of you to the point of not caring if you got fired over her demands. This just isn't and never was a good relationship that was a two-way street.

 

Also if anyone says anything you can just look them dead in the face and say, "Oh yeah? Like you never did anything crazy during a breakup? If you haven't then trust me, you will."

 

I know this won't feel like it on the inside, but pick yourself up, hold your head up, look through her and her friends when you walk by, keep your friends by your side, treat the whole thing as "Well, that escalated," but don't try to soft soap either side in this or take all the blame. She was pretty crappy too and of the two, I actually think what she did is way worse.

 

Girl's lucky you weren't really a psycho and no you aren't. Psycho anyone doesn't care about things like you do or what others think.

 

Good that you're letting her go. Just treat this as a lesson in what you don't want by way of a partner in all your future endeavors. Talk to your wisest friend about it, tell your friends what you did but make sure they understand WHY you did it, her part in it.

 

I'm not giving either of you a pass on your actions, but I think you need to stop thinking of yourself as the sole person who did something wrong in this whole mess. You both messed up and you just didn't walk away when you first saw the red flags, and that should be where you put focus on with yourself and anyone else.

[warthan]

thank you ParisPaullete,, youre right, she will think whatever she wants, theres nothing i can do about that. i feel that the hardest part will be whenever i run into her or her friends or even worse her and this new guy, but i gotta keep my head up, put on a smile, and move past it, i still have my whole life infront me and this will just serve as a lesson to me. thank you all for your help and advice