Confusion

[melangey]

Not sure if this is the correct forum, but since the guy I'm currently "seeing" is a LDR, here we go:

 

I seem to attract these guys who promise me the world, then give me a map to the dump yard... so to say. I'm assuming it's in my actions (or charm?) or... is this just a thing people do to protect themselves? It's normally AFTER intimacy has happened, so I don't think it's to get me into bed. (And I don't mean RIGHT after. Like, days after.) Then--BOOM: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!" or "I'm not seeing anyone else, are you?" Their comments catch me totally off-guard and I wonder why they feel the need to make these "verbal commitments" when I'm saying we can keep it casual. And when I change my mind and say, ok, let's do this thing, they run?

 

So, this guy...

 

We met through family and both felt the other was unlike anyone we'd ever met. But he's on the other end of the country. Seeing as how things are going well, and I have family where he lives, AND he suggested several options for either of us to move--I did a bold thing and suggested, in return, that there are viable options for me in his home state. We both agreed there needs to be a back up plan and I can't move for only him. I checked out a certification program to take my career to the next level, he sent me housing options, and things seemed super.

 

Then he pulled away. I mean, I know he's busy, but his responses changed.

 

And when I asked him if things were ok, he said I'm "overthinking." Ok. Guilty. But super confused as the same time.

 

Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but he... told me to do these things?? I don't get it. He was the one who first said we could make this work. He wanted me to visit. He wanted to visit me (his brother lives 1 hour away from me). I think I'm a rational person and without these words from him, or the proximity of our families to each other, I'd have dropped this a while ago. But let me make this clear: I probably wouldn't; I like him more than anyone I've ever met. And I thought he felt the same. Was me agreeing to something he said... wrong?

 

And then:

 

I was out last night at a bar with my dog and some friends, so I posted a cute picture of my dog on fb, and he TEXTS me if that's how I pick up guys. I was (what I thought, understandably) a little hurt and tried to call him. 10 times. Freakin' oops. I had had more to drink than normal (a friend drove me home) and I DID overreact, but he had acted so excited to see me, live closer, or have a future with me that this "ghosting" was freaking me out. Well... I finally got him on the phone and it spiraled from there. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. To me, this is new. I've never had so many possibilities (I won't call them promises) offered to me by someone I truly love, then treated like I'm nothing.

 

Can someone translate this thing called life for me?

[Wiseman2]

Numerous red flags from too much too soon, too much unrealistic future talk, weird jealous remarks...and the list goes on. Run, you can do better locally. Did your families arrange this dating for a future arranged marriage? Why would you even bother with this?

Can someone translate this thing called life for me?

[Hermes]

What's "life" got to do with it, OP? L.

 

This is what's known as a dating jungle, nothing more.

 

What seems is not what "is". Ever. People can, and do, often say the first thing comes into their head.

 

This is the most useful read you will ever encounter:

 

 

[melangey]

Wiseman2

 

Okay, here's the deal:

 

We met at a family function. Both in our 30s, both single, both fun and cute. That was our parent's thinking. I was visiting family, with my parents, and I wanted to get to know the town and its people. Neither of us were looking to date, but we hit it off. I thought we would stay in touch, then he started talking about the future...

 

I think he's a dreamer. He tries to say he's a realist, but his actions haven't been following his words. He suggests things and when I take action he says... oh... cool? Heh.

 

I'm bothering with this--"this" being the move--because his suggestion was best for me. It'd work for us both, but only if he's on board. I've got a great career with horses, but a community college offers a certification that could take me to higher places. Also, better for insurance protection (mostly with clients, not the horses). I love the climate, I love my family who lives there, and I love travel. It just seemed like he wasn't listening when I said "you're not the reason; you're a bonus." Either way, I'm moving. I think he's just scared.

 

To be fair, we haven't known each other THAT long. But I don't think the length of time matters as much as the quality of time.

 

Thanks for the response. Much to think about.

 

Hermes

 

Very zen. I dig it. I am definitely taking a break from the drama and throwing myself into my career aspirations. I'm sure it'll work out. I just thought I might be doing something wrong... and you know it's always wise to listen to intuition. Thanks!

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

I also saw a lot of red flags like wiseman. One that stuck out to me was him accusing you of cheating just because you were at a bar. I mean you texted him a photo of your dog that should have been an indicator right there if you are texting him you are not there picking up guys.

 

I would take it as a good sign he ghosted. Sounds like if you had moved there you would see a lot of jealousy and control issues from him.

 

 

If there is that much drama already it will only get worse.

 

Lisa

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, so you can move there regardless of him? But why string him along? Is he financing the move or your aspirations under the guise of a 'relationship'? Is this arranged dating that your family set up because he seems like a good prospect?

I love the climate, I love my family who lives there, and I love travel. It just seemed like he wasn't listening when I said "you're not the reason; you're a bonus." Either way, I'm moving.

[melangey]

Excellent, so you can move there regardless of him? But why string him along? Is he financing the move or your aspirations under the guise of a 'relationship'? Is this arranged dating that your family set up because he seems like a good prospect?

 

None of the above. Definitely not funding me. I make plenty of money and I've been wanting to go back to the western states for a while. I thought it was fortuitous that my aunt and uncle just moved there and need their belgians trained.

 

We met BECAUSE of my family, but the meeting was not FOR us to be arranged. Just happened. I'm not stringing him along, at all. Trust me, if I didn't like him more than I've ever liked anyone, I'd say bye bye bye.

I genuinely like the guy. And up until our fight, he seemed involved in my life. I got a facebook message reply from him earlier, and he definitely wants space. I'm off today, so that's why I'm posting like crazy and thinking too much about this.

 

My family lives in the same town. And it's a western state, so that works better than my east coast horse career would. I'm giving him his space and I know I'll meet a ton of great people, but I guess I'm just frustrated that nothing he said actually happened!

[melangey]

Hi,

 

I also saw a lot of red flags like wiseman. One that stuck out to me was him accusing you of cheating just because you were at a bar. I mean you texted him a photo of your dog that should have been an indicator right there if you are texting him you are not there picking up guys.

 

I would take it as a good sign he ghosted. Sounds like if you had moved there you would see a lot of jealousy and control issues from him.

 

 

If there is that much drama already it will only get worse.

 

Lisa

 

I agree with all of this, though he never out-right said I was cheating. That's overkill. He COULD have assumed. He claimed he was "only joking" about that picking up people comment. He knows I'm enamored with him. That's probably the problem. Guys like hard to get just as much as girls do.

 

With long distance, I just want to include him in what I do. Not everything, just some things. He tells me about girls he stopped talking to for me. He also told me I was the second girl to make him think about the future, and the best girl he's dated. What I don't get is WHY people feel that sort of stuff is necessary to say... if they don't follow through with it. Maybe because I played it cool and didn't say "oh me too, totally!" he's thinking I'm not into him?

 

Bleh. This sucks! I just miss my friend at this point.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he was stringing you along a bit, then when you mentioned moving he got cold feet?

he definitely wants space. I'm giving him his space and I know I'll meet a ton of great people, but I guess I'm just frustrated that nothing he said actually happened!

[melangey]

It sounds like he was stringing you along a bit, then when you mentioned moving he got cold feet?

 

Yeah. That sounds logical. I also REALLY want this job advancement, but now I'm afraid he'll think I'm insane and stalking him. Chances of seeing him aren't nill, because he lives in the same town as my family... and knows them... but I don't want to lose this chance to better myself. Horses are a biiiiig business out west. Maybe I'll meet a cowboy.

[melangey]

What's "life" got to do with it, OP? L.

 

This is what's known as a dating jungle, nothing more.

 

What seems is not what "is". Ever. People can, and do, often say the first thing comes into their head.

 

This is the most useful read you will ever encounter:

 

]

 

I didn't get a chance to read this earlier, but now that I'm looking at it... He's none of those things. I think it's cold feet--whether, from liking me too much or not enough... or not sure if he does. But he's supportive of my career, talks to my aunt (and helped her get a job), is complimentary of my family and lifestyle, treated me like a princess. I think the distance + unsure is the real culprit. Maybe I'm wrong. It's not even been 24 hours since I was scary/rude. I wanted to apologize for the repeated calls and calling him a jerk (note: I called him another word that started with 'a'). If anything, I'm a bigger loser than he is... LOL! I'm hoping it all blows over, at least so we can be friends. He said he "didn't know what I expected of him," so I'm waiting til he wants to talk, so I can ask him what he meant by that.

 

I think if we weren't so far apart, this wouldn't have happened. But the idea of getting closer is probably something he didn't know was so doable. For all I know, that's his M.O. with every girl he meets.